


Lonely People

by Blo0m



Category: La casa de papel | Money Heist (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 107,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27331906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blo0m/pseuds/Blo0m
Summary: Two lonely souls find comfort in each other's company.
Relationships: Raquel Murillo/Professor | Sergio Marquina
Comments: 126
Kudos: 348





	1. A sweeter place.

_April, 2017._

Sergio walked in Hanoi and Raquel was the first thing he saw. Not because it was her but because she was in their usual table.

He walked to her, smiling when he saw she was reading the book he gave her and insisted her to read. He was a few longs steps away still when Raquel looked up and smiled at him.

"Hey" she said.

"Hey," he said trying not to smile like he really wanted and kissed her cheek. Saw that she closed the book when he sat in front of her and he raised a hand. "No, please, I don't want to interrupt your reading"

"Haha" faked a laugh and left the book on one side of the table.

And he finally gave her a big smile.

"So what do you think?"

"Well I may finish it sooner than I thought. And I admit that I'm enjoying it more than I expected" she rolled her eyes seeing that he wouldn't stop smiling. "But I'm not discussing it until I’m finish and yes, that may be before I planned it but is still not very soon. It has 2000 pages and I'm a busy woman"

"Okay"

"Stop now, it's not a big deal" shook her head and raised a hand to the barman as a sign that he can bring their food now. "How was your day?"

"Is 12:30pm, my day is not finish yet"

"You know what I mean"

So he talked about his morning while they waited for their food. Then she said something about work that they have been discussing all week and they kept talking about it while they ate.

It was Thursday so he had time and she still wasn't in a big case so she didn't have to rush either. So they talked like they have been doing since they met six months before.

On a day like any other, Sergio went to eat on his lunch break. He sat two sits aside of her in the counter. Asked for his food and while he wait, he looked around the almost empty place. Sergio saw her but he was more interested in seeing what she was reading. He recognized the book cover, yes, he had read it. When his food arrived, he ate in silence watching the news on the TV. The bar's owner, Antonio, was in the other side of the counter watching too, with a frown between his eyebrows. He made a question about the heist they reporters were talking about and both answered different things at the same time. Antonio's look went from him to her and again to him while they looked at each other. Raquel talked again, defending her answer. Sergio defended his. The frown in Antonio’s face grew deeper. They started discussing and Antonio wanted the earth to swallow him because he wasn’t understanding anything that they were saying. In the moment he realized none of them was aware of his presence anymore, he slowly walked away to not to caught their attention and left them continue their debate in peace. The discussion ended when Sergio found out that a colleague of her was the Inspector in charge of the case. He said she obviously would agree with everything that the police said because she was one of them. Raquel kept defending her side saying that she didn’t entirely agree with how the police handled the case, but that the robbers weren't actually the heroes everyone were thinking they were. They discussed the entire hour and got to the conclusion that they had different opinions and they weren’t going to get anywhere.

Two days after that he saw her again, now sat in one of the tables asides the windows reading another book. Sergio was leaning against the counter watching through the window when he made a comment about the book she was reading. Raquel looked up and said she was only starting and that he ruined it to her. Sergio went pale. She held it for 5 long seconds untill a little smile appeared in her face and finally laughed. Said it was her favorite book and that she lost count of how many times she had read it. He laughed, relieved and still a little nervous.

The next time he saw her was a week later.

“Can I say something about this one or you’re just starting?” he asked and she smiled.

“Nothing from the chapter 7 and on, please”

He had asked his food to go but he ended eating at her table while they talked about the first 6 chapters of her book. They recommended other books to one another, comparing ones with others. “If you liked this one you may like this other one”, “If you didn’t think this one was interesting, I bet this other one would”. If they recommended something the other one already read, they commented it for a few minutes.

They casually met up again some other day a week at lunch time, and a little later once. They almost always talked about books in those encounters, it felt like a book club but better.

It was after he said she could borrow a copy of a book she was looking for that they actually arrange a meeting for the first time. After that they arrange it some other times untill they didn’t have to say anything to meet up the next day at lunch.

They talked little about their personal life, just day to day things. They never asked personal questions, it was better that way. But still they could say they knew each other; they knew just what they needed to know. Knew about each other’s likes and dislikes, the things they hated, the things they found funny or sad. They knew some things about the other that not any person would, like that he was a sick child, or that her mother had Alzheimer's and that she didn’t recognized her before dying. They knew some stories about the other. They knew a lot and not much, but they knew each other. In an hour of lunch they talked more than they talk to other people every day. Sergio thought about it once, walking back to the university after having lunch with her, that he has never enjoyed a conversation that much. He normally wasn’t very chatty; he can talk for an entire hour during a class but just because he knew very well what he was saying and because he knew most of the people in the room was interested. However, when it comes to talk about himself he would always panic, he always tried to run away from that. He had worked at the university for years now and he could assure that none of his coworkers knew half of the things Raquel knew about him. He supposed that it was because she was his friend, he supposed he was surprised by that because he had spent his whole life without knowing how it was having one. It was actually nice having a friend.

  
  


"I told you"

"I was sure I was right"

"Of course you were" she rolled her eyes.

"Stop, it's not because I'm a man"

"Yes, maybe it's not because you're a man, maybe it's just because you are you, Mr. 'I'm always right'"

"Hey, you can't say my point didn't make sense"

"It did for men, because you'll never know what is like to be a woman. It doesn't matter how much you say you understand, you'll never really understand"

"I know that"

"Then why did you tried to fight her?"

"I didn't fight her, I just responded. I didn't see it the way she did, I know why now" she grinned "Hey, the fact that you're a feminist doesn't mean you're always right about feminism"

"What?"

"That's not what I meant. I mean that you can think that way but there are others that may think different"

"Yes, and I think that none of us is one hundred percent right about everything, but we do know better than any men in the matter"

"I get it, men can't be feminist, you made it pretty clear"

"Very good" she smiled.

She was actually starting to believe men can be feminists because of him, even though he said he didn't consider himself a faminist anyway. Before she only met men who pretended to be to get the women. But it was too early to tell him that, she liked to 'fight' about that with him.

"Some women may think different you know"

"Stop!" she started laughing "Just accept that a student kicked your ass in a debate"

"I accept it, I'm just saying I was not entirely wrong. I may be right for some women"

"Well, as long as you can't name at least one of them, you accept that you were wrong"

"I was wrong," he said upset like a little boy "You know, it was enough having to admit it in front of an entire class"

"I didn't make you tell me"

"Well it's impossible not to tell you something lately"

"What is that by the way?" he frowned "That need to overshare"

"I'm not oversharing, is just that a lot of things had happened this week"

"Well you could save some information for yourself, I don't need to know when your neighbor's dog shits in front of your door"

"Sorry" he laughed.

"It's okay, just keep it between your neighbor's dog and yourself next time," she grinned at him. "I have to go, my lunch break it's over"

"What?" He looked at the time on his watch. "Wow, that hour happened fast"

"I know" she grabbed her things and got up. "Have a good rest of the day. Be a good boy and don't try to fight any more feminist" she kissed his cheek while he rolled his eyes.

"Have a good day too"

“See you”

Raquel left Hanoi with a big smile in her face.

It was always so refreshing talking to him, even about things that could make her mad. It was one of the best parts of her day. She tried not to think about it much, it was actually kind of sad. She didn't talk much to anyone else in her day, no one talked to her either, just coworkers about work. Unfortunately, her weekends remained the way they were, most of them she didn't had to work so she wouldn't leave the house. Hanoi was close to work and not really close to her apartment so she rarely went there in a weekend, so she didn’t leave the house nor talk to anyone in those two days. Of course Sergio didn't know any of that, that would be so embarrassing for her. Raquel often would say "me and a friend" o "some friends" when she told him about something that she actually did alone. She always regretted it a second after saying it but she never corrected it because she was afraid that might lead to a conversation about it and that would be even more embarrassing. Every time she said something like that, she always said to herself that it was the last time but it never was, it just always came out before she could stop it. She knew she regret saying a lot of things she couldn't stop, like that she was divorced. She was grateful he didn't make any questions though. She loved that of him: he would never ask something very personal and would never go on with a conversation that she was clearly uncomfortable with. He was a good friend. God knows she had needed one for a long time.


	2. Be lonely with me.

They weren't really friends. What was friendship? If Raquel knew something about friendship was that she wasn't good at it. She didn't consider herself a good friend, not for nothing she didn't have any friends left. She liked to think of Sergio as a friend but friends would know things about the other, friends would talk about important stuff about each other's life. No, she wouldn't say they were friends, they were more like two strangers that sometimes talk, or something like that. She really enjoyed his company though. 

“Hey. I saw what happened with those robbers in that jewelry store, are you in that case?” Sergio asked her as soon as she sat down. 

“Do you think I would be sitting here with you if I was in that case?” she said clearly irritated. 

“Sorry” 

“No, I’m sorry” she sighed with her eyes closed. 

“What is it?” 

“They gave that case to this stupid guy I work with. I’m better than him and I haven’t been in an important case since I came to this stupid city” 

She was demoted to sub inspector when she asked to be transfer. She didn’t even know they could do that but didn’t argue because she wanted to run away from that city as soon as possible. And it wasn’t that bad; she got there once, she could get there again. Or that’s what she thought. 

“You’ve been here for almost four years now, that can’t be truth” 

“You think?” she raised an eyebrow. “Last week my boss tried to make me look for a missing cat” 

“You can call the police for a missing cat?” he frowned. 

“You can if you’re an important person” 

“Whose cat was it?” 

“I don’t know, some politician’s daughter” 

“But you didn’t look for it” 

“No, I told my boss he was best for that very important job. The guy and her daughter were there and they agreed. He wanted to kill me, I’m sure that's one of the reasons why he didn’t think of me for this case” 

“Okay but that’s not what I care about the most right now, there’s something more important”

Raquel frowned.

“Did he found the cat? Is it okay? Is it cute?”

And she laughed out loud. 

“Yes, someone took a picture of him and sent it to everyone” she looked for it in her phone and showed to him. 

He smiled to the photo. So he liked cats, she will remember that. 

And that’s how he easily made her forget she was mad. 

“Hey, what do you think about watching a movie tonight?” 

“Are you trying to cheer me up? Cause you already did” 

“Really? Wow, I’m very good at this”

She chuckled.

“But seriously, do you want to watch a movie with me? I’ll pay” 

“I’ll pay for my ticket you pay for dinner” 

“Deal” 

Raquel met him outside the theater just in time, she knew he had been there at least ten minutes early. They didn't say much, just sat and watch the movie. She knew exactly how it was going to be: they would have different opinions about something in the plot and they would talk about it over dinner in a restaurant near the theater. They only did this two times in the past but it was just how it was supposed to be. Raquel sometimes thought that Sergio would disagree with her about something just to talk to her. She obviously discarded that thought because it was stupid and because she was sure he didn't care about her enough to do that. But it was nice to think that for a few seconds. 

It was just like she knew it was going to be. They talk about every aspect of the movie while dinner. This time he agreed more with her so instead of discussing the movie they just commented it and talked how if they changed some things it could be a really good tragic-comedy. 

"So, how was your day?" he asked when they were about to finish their wine. 

"Well, a liked its ending more than the beginning" 

"You're welcome" 

"Because of the movie" 

"And who invited you to the movie?" he smiled. 

She rolled her eyes. 

"Well, I'm glad anyway" 

"How was yours?" she asked. 

"The beginning wasn't bad for me but I liked the ending more too. Maybe because of this wine" he stared at his glass, frowning. 

Raquel chuckled. 

"Are drunk?" 

"I wouldn't say drunk, but I never drink more than one glass so I definitely feel something" 

She laughed softly. 

"I think we should end this day here and go home. Come on” 

He paid as he promised and they got out. 

Sergio said he wasn’t driving dizzy like he was so he asked her to drive. Raquel looked at him like he was insane. 

"Do you know how to drive?” 

"Yes" 

"Then it's okay" said like it was nothing. 

"I drank too you know" 

"You are clearly more sober than me" 

"Are you really that drunk to be asking me to drive your car when I've drank and don't have my license?" 

"Are you telling me you're going to let go the opportunity of making fun of me when I freak out tomorrow?" 

She took the keys out of his hand. 

"Where did you park?” she said looking around. 

They walked back to the theater and when they got to the car Raquel opened the door for him. 

"Oh, what a gentleman" 

She chuckled. This was going to be fun; she was just hoping she won't kill themselves. 

She drove at a good velocity, nothing that would catch the police attention cause then they were going to be in real trouble. She remembered how nice driving was and for a moment thought of getting a new car, then she got distracted and forgot that thought immediately. Okay, maybe she was a little drunk too.

She looked at him, his eyes were close. 

"Did you fall asleep?" 

"Would that be so bad?" he said with his eyes still closed. 

"Well yes, I'm not carrying you to your department” she warned him and then asked: “Where do you live by the way?" 

"Where are you going if you don't know where I live?" He finally opened his eyes. 

"To Hanoi," she answered like it was obvious “I don't know, I thought we can go our own ways from there" 

"I'm not going to drive" he shook his head. 

"No, you're taking a cab" 

"Take me to my place, please?" 

Raquel looked at him. His head against the headrest, poorly trying to give her puppy eyes. He looked cute even if he didn't know how to do that. She tried not to smile. 

"Tell me where you live" 

He grabbed his phone and put his address in google maps. Left the phone and closed his eyes again. 

"Hell no, sir. I don't want your GPS telling me where to go, you tell me" 

"But I don't know where we are" 

"Well tell me what your phone says then but you're not closing your eyes" 

He sighed and took his phone back but he was still trying not to close his eyes. 

"Where do I go next?" 

Sergio finally looked at his phone. 

"Left. But not in this one, the other one," he frowned "This says we will get there in half an hour. Where the hell are we?" 

"I actually don't know; I think Hanoi isn’t where I was going" she laughed. 

"Oh, we are going to die, aren't we?" 

"Shut up, is not that bad" 

Sergio told her the directions for ten minutes then she took pity on him and let him sleep because he said _left_ instead of _right_ and made them lost four minutes. 

When they finally arrived, she woke him up. 

"Sergio" she moved him softly. 

"Mm, no" he was denied to wake up. 

"Wake up, you're home" she said laughing. 

And he slowly opened his eyes. 

"God, I let you drive being drunk" he said closing his eyes again. 

"So you're sober now" she grinned. 

"You're in the police, how could you do that?" 

"I’m fine. Now tell me were to park" 

He looked outside. 

"Here is fine for tonight. I don't want you driving under the influence any other minute" 

She laughed and they got out the car. 

"Do you need help getting to bed?" 

"Funny. Come inside while I call you a taxi" 

He walked to his building and Raquel followed him. 

"You're still drunk, aren't you?" she asked. 

"I don't know if you could say drunk but this is the closer that I’ve ever been from that" 

"You’ve never been really really drunk?" She asked and kept talking before he could say anything. "Why am I surprised? Of course you’ve never been" 

"Actually, I remember one time but now I also remember why I forgot" he opened the door of the building and let her come in first. 

"Now I want to know" 

"I don't like that story" 

"Why?" she asked following him to the elevator. 

"I'm not telling you" 

"Okay. Oh, you live in the seventh floor” she said when she saw him pressing that button. “I like that number, reminds me of Monica" 

"Who's Monica?" 

"My best friend" 

He nodded. Best friend Monica. He will remember that. 

"You know, if you don't like the story of the only time you’ve been drunk, you should get drunk and make new memories, I can help" 

"You mean make memories I won't remember because I would be too drunk?" 

She frowned, confused. 

They got to his floor and entered to his apartment. She looked the place while he called a taxi. 

"This is very you" she said when he was done. 

"Very me?" 

"I can picture you here" 

He didn’t know if that was a good or a bad thing. 

"Your taxi will be here in a few minutes.” he said. “Want a glass of water? I’ll get you some water" and went to the kitchen. 

She followed him. “I prefer some wine” 

"You’re actually really funny" he said filling a glass with cold water. 

She chuckled. 

"I will never drink with you again," he handed her a glass "Drink the water." 

"Shouldn't you drink some too?" 

"After you" 

"Are trying to poison me?" She looked at the glass suspiciously. 

"Come on, just drink the water. I want the glass" he laughed. 

"Don’t you have other glasses?" and she finally drank. 

"I do, but getting that one was hard enough" 

"I knew you were still drunk" 

When the taxi arrived, he went back downstairs with her. 

"You don't have to come with me, I'm not going to get lost again" she said in the elevator. 

"Here's for the taxi" put some money in her hand. 

She tried to give it back. "That's not necessary." 

"You drove me here. It's only fair, please" 

Sergio opened the door of the taxi for her and she kissed his cheek before getting in. 

"Have a good night" 

"You too" 

  
  
The next time Raquel saw him he looked embarrassed so she didn't mention the drinking thing even though she was dying to tease him. 

They talked about anything but he knew she was thinking about it too. 

"So, I was drunk the other day" 

She tried not to smile. 

"It wasn't that bad, right?" 

And she laughed. 

"It wasn't actually, is just... it was weird. You were so relaxed, you know, I thought you never do that" 

"I am a very relaxed person" 

"Right" 

"Please don't tease me now, this morning was horrible. Can you save it for another time?" 

"Hey, what happened?" 

He told her about how the very expensive coffee machine of the faculty lounge broke and all the professors have to collaborate to buy a new one, even him who barely used it. She laughed at him and said she wish she had his problems. She understood when he said how much he has to pay. 

"Why don't you just say no?" 

"I don't want anyone to be mad at me, everyone loves that machine" 

"Well, if it's really that expensive I would marry that machine" 

"It's just a machine and is not even that good" 

"Then tell them" 

"I don't want to; they would look me bad. I already hate when they look at me, I couldn't stand them giving me bad looks" 

She smiled. 

"Look at you, you look like a shy little boy who is afraid of talking in front of the class" 

He rolled his eyes and felt his cheeks red. She was dying of tenderness. She shook her head when she realized how she was looking at him. 

"What if I pay for your lunch today and the rest of the week, would that make you feel less robbed?" 

"I am the one who is being robbed, you shouldn’t pay the price" 

"Oh, but I want to. And you can bring me some of the coffee from that machine when is replaced" 

"You are too kind" 

"Only with you" 

He smiled at her and she felt she could melt like ice cream under the summer sun. Why was she suddenly thinking he looked like the cutest thing on earth? 

As she said, she paid for his lunch. He didn't argue the first time but the second time he wasn't comfortable with it. They were fighting like kids trying to give Antonio the money and he didn't know which one to take. They wouldn't stop talking, trying to put the other’s hand down. They always left the money on their table; the man was confused. 

"You're going to be late" she said. 

"I don't care" 

"Yeah right" 

Finally, Sergio left the money on the counter and left almost running. She was mad for that but she couldn't help it and ended up laughing. 

The next day she paid beforehand and did the same thing the day next to that one. 

It was when the weekend came and Raquel didn't see him that she realized something was happening to her. She thought she might be sick but she felt just fine, she could say she even felt better than she did in years. 

Then Monday came and she saw him. She couldn't stop looking at him since she saw him walking to her, she felt hot in her cheek for the entire lunch after he kissed her as they always did. She even wanted him to leave first just so he would kiss her again but at the same time she didn't wanted him to leave and didn't wanted to leave because she really missed him that weekend. She never loved a Monday that much.

But he left and she stayed there wanting him to come back and kiss her again and just stay with her. 

And then she finally realized what was happening to her and wanted the earth to open and swallow her. 


	3. You're a little much for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I don't know if you already noticed (you probably did) but english isn't my first language. So, sorry for any orthographic or grammatical mistake on this fic. I swear that the last thing I want is to hurt your eyes lol

How did this happen? How did she let herself feel attracted to the only person who actually talked to her? Well there it was, he was the only person who noticed her, and he was nice to her, and she was this lonely, needy woman who obviously mistook the whole thing.

She got up and went back to work trying to forget about it but she couldn't. Then she went home, took a shower and laid in bed looking at the ceiling with nothing and everything on her mind.

How bad was it? When did it started?

She liked him from the beginning but liked him as a person. She didn't think she liked him that way even now.

What the hell was going on? What was she feeling?

She started remembering every little moment when she might have found him attractive. Well, she always found him attractive. He was really handsome but she didn't like him that way. So, he was attractive, big deal. He was her friend or whatever. He was nice and just a friend. He was smart and very funny, like her old friends, she thought he was cute but that didn't mean anything.

God, this was stupid. She was stupid. Took a pillow and pressed it against her face. She wanted to scream but she didn't, instead, she just left the pillow and tried to sleep.

Maybe she was just horny. It had been so long she probably forgot how that felt. She didn't even remember the last time she thought someone was hot. Why did it have to be him? Why not someone else? She wanted to cry. He was the only person who talked to her, she didn't want to feel that way for him, she didn't want to stop seeing him.

  
The sun raised outside and lit up the room through the window. Her alarm sounded and she turned it off, but she didn't get up. She just stayed there hugging her pillow, looking at the wall.  
She called sick to work and stayed in bed untill she fell asleep at 10am. She woke up a few hours later and got up to take a shower and eat something. She cooked and then looked at the food trying to find the strength to eat it. She always did it automatically, three meals a day. She didn’t remember the last time she felt actually hungry. When she was about to rock bottom in the past, she told herself that the most important was to keep herself alive, that she would have time to work on feeling happy again later. But she got used to it, to just keep herself alive. It didn’t feel that bad. She would get up in the morning, take a shower, drink water and have three meals a day; and just like that she was still alive. It was hard but she did it. She realized how it got a little bit easier since she met Sergio but now it was worse than before.

She just wanted to cry and punch herself, she actually wanted to kick her own ass so much. She hated herself. It was the first time in a while that she actually thought the words "I hate myself".

The next day she got up and went to work like nothing happened. She didn't go to Hanoi and didn't have lunch at all. Did exactly the same the next day and the day next to that one.

She was back to when she didn't talk about other things that weren't about work to no one else who wasn't a coworker. Not that she had much work. She spent the weekend watching movies and eating on the couch. Not that it was different before she ruined the only personal relationship she had. She went back to feel that void in her life that was produced by the lack of human interaction. She was amazed by how just one hour with Sergio a day filled that void just fine. She remembered how she felt before meeting him. She felt literally invisible for years untill he looked at her. She still felt like that a lot of times when she wasn’t with him. She went through life feeling numb, or empty, or nothing at all. Then he looked at her and suddenly she existed, she was someone and she was noticed. She was clearly desperate to be noticed, to be liked, to be loved. He noticed her existence and now she was dying to be more than just a human being living in the same world that he did.

It was Tuesday night and she was getting out of the shower when her phone rang in her bed.  
She looked at it for a few seconds, trying to familiarize with the sound of it, trying to enjoy it because it never sounded that way. Then she grabbed it thinking it might be work or something. But it wasn't, it was Sergio.

Right.

  
He texted her a few times before. On Monday he said "hey, don't you have lunch anymore?" 15 minutes after he asked her if she found a new better place with better food. 5 minutes after that one he wrote that if she did, she should share the information. Then he stopped. And today he texted again at the same time that yesterday.  
"Seriously, aren't you coming here anymore?" it said.  
He asked her if everything was okay 20 minutes after that.  
When she was home and getting dinner, he texted her again, said he was getting worried. She continued eating with no new messages. Was doing the dishes when he said that he wanted to call her but he didn't want to be invasive, said that if she didn't want that, please tell him. She was afraid of him calling, but instead he texted her again 5 minutes after that. "I'm sorry if you don't want me to but I'm going to call you"  
When 10 minutes passed with no calls or new massages, she got into the shower.

Now she was in her bathrobe, with her hair wet and her phone in her shaking hand.

They almost never texted or called each other. He gave her his number once so she could tell him when she was free to meet and give back that book she borrowed from him. After that they texted once or twice but nothing really important, just links of some articles and a comment about it but they always discussed it at lunch. Raquel can actually say they never called each other.

She let the phone on the bedside table and dried her hair with a towel.  
The sound stopped and a new text appeared.

Sergio: Please, answer. I just want to make sure that you are okay. I'm really worried. Please.

She wanted to let it ring again but she couldn't.

  
"Hey"

"Raquel"

She could hear him sigh of relief and her heart ached.

"Sorry, you were calling me. I just got out of the shower and couldn't get it before. Did something happen?"

"Well, you tell me, you don't come to Hanoi anymore and don't answer my texts"

"You texted me?" she hated herself so much.

"Yes"

"Sorry, I didn't even notice. I've been full of messages and calls and mails since last week, I'm full of work" she was ridiculous "I'm in this case, it's huge and really important"

"They finally gave you a good case?" he sounded genuinely happy to hear that and she wanted to cry and punch herself repeatedly in the face.

"Not really. Like I said it’s huge, there's a lot of people on it, I'm not in charge"

"Oh. Well, at least you're on it. That's something, right?"

"Yes, it's good. It feels nice to be a part of something important" she was going to cry any moment now.

"I'm happy for you. If you do a good job maybe they start giving you important cases, which I know it will happen because you're great"

She felt her lower lip tremble.

"But please, don't disappear just because you're busy saving the world from the bad people. I'm sure even the greatest inspectors have lunch"

"I won't disappear, I'll be back as soon as this is calm"

"Good. Lunch have been really boring without you. I know even your sit in Hanoi misses you"

She bit her trembling lip and closed her eyes. What was he doing to her?

"I miss it too" she whispered. She cleared her voice and spoke again. "Listen, I'm sorry for worrying you. I promise I will try to respond your texts next time"

"You are busy, don't worry about it"

"I have to go now but I see you soon"

"See you soon. Have a good night. And don't work too hard, you don't need to do so to be the best"

She chuckled.

"Well thank you. Good night"

She hanged and covered her mouth with the hand that was still grabbing the phone. Finally allowed herself to cry, just for a few minutes.

She was going to swallow any kind of romantic feeling she could have for him and she was going to keep having lunch with him because he was too kind and no matter how stupid she was, she needed that.

Sergio: Have you eaten?  
  
Raquel was rolling on her chair looking at the ceiling when that first text came.  
  
Raquel: I can't go to Hanoi right now, sorry.  
  
Sergio: But are you going to eat something?  
Sergio: If you say no, I'm bringing you food and forcing you to eat it.  
  
Raquel: Oh really?  
  
Sergio: I will bring you food and ask you pretty please to eat it.  
  
She smiled at the phone.  
  
Raquel: Thanks, but they are bringing pizza for everyone. I'll eat, don't worry.  
  
Sergio: Good.  
Sergio: Have a good day, Raquel.  
Sergio: We miss you.  
  
Raquel: We?  
  
Sergio: Me, Antonio and Hanoi.  
  
She chuckled.  
  
Raquel: I miss you all too.  
Raquel: Have a good day, Sergio.  
  
He texted at the same time on Thursday and Friday too.  
  
Raquel decided to wait untill next week to come back. She was preparing herself to see him again now knowing that she liked him. She was going to act normal and hopefully the feelings will go away or she was going to forget about it, or at least be able to ignore it.  
  
She thought of him all weekend, let herself feel everything. She liked him a lot. It had been ages since she felt like that, it was actually very nice. But then she remembered it wasn't corresponded and that she had to get over it, it was sad.

How long has it been since she kissed someone? She wanted to kiss him, just once, just to have a last kiss to remember. A good kiss, with someone great like him. She thought of the fact that she never hugged him and suddenly her entire body hurt of longing. She spent years without hugging someone before him and it was fine but now she was aching for it.

She thought of the few times he complimented her, saying she was smart, saying she was a good person, saying she was pretty. That last one made her blush every time untill she just started saying "thank you" and rapidly move on. She used to hate those girls who said they weren’t pretty when someone told them they were. She didn't believe she was pretty, she actually thought she was ugly and unpleasant to look at, but she wasn't going to try fight it if someone told her she was pretty. He told her she was pretty seven times. Actually, he always said "you look pretty"; _look_ not _are_ , but it was something. He did say "you always look good" once, but _good_ didn't mean _pretty_ , right? Curiously most of the times he said that was when she was on her period and felling extremely ugly. It was almost like he knew and wanted to make her feel better.

There were times when she complimented him too. He was the smartest person she ever knew and she told him so once. And she told him he looked good a few times too. Once, she told him a girl was looking at him and that he should go ask her out; when he said that she wasn't looking at him and ask why would a girl be looking at him, Raquel said "why not? You're very handsome". His face turned furious red in seconds and she laughed out loud for a few minutes.  
  
"You don't think you're handsome?" she finally asked him.

"Wouldn't that be pretentious?"

"Yes or not?"

"I don't think I'm ugly but I wouldn't say handsome"

"Well you _are_ handsome"  
  
She repeated it a few other times after that, partly because she loved to see him blushed but mostly because she believed it and wanted him to believed it too. She wanted him to know he was just as handsome as he was smart.

And he was a really good person too. Kind, humble, caring.

She didn't think it was fair having to get over those feelings but it was what she had to do if she wanted to still be friends with him. She had loved in the past, she had good times. It didn't matter to her that _that_ part of her life was over, but that ending wasn't fair.

At least the last man she was going to like was a good man. At least the last man she was going to like was Sergio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments by the way. I would respond but I'm way too shy to talk directly to someone yet. But please know that I really appreciate it.


	4. I couldn't want you any more.

Raquel arrived to Hanoi and froze at the door when she saw him. She felt overwhelmed with all the emotions. She wanted to jump on him and hug him really tight and also wanted to cry because she knew she couldn't do that. Took at deep breathe, swallowed any emotion and approached their table. 

"Well you look a little lonely" 

He looked up at her quickly and smiled. 

"Would you like some company?" 

"Hey" he looked genuinely happy to see her and her heart lifted. 

"Hey" murmured and kissed him on the cheek. 

Oh, how she wanted to freeze the time with her lips on his cheek. 

"Please, sit" he pointed at the sit in front of him. "I thought you weren't coming today either" 

"The case is practically closed, most of us are free" 

“Tell me everything, I want to know every detail" 

"I can't" 

"Why not?" 

"It's confidential, they made us sign a contract and everything" 

"I won't say anything" 

"I won't either," she grinned. 

Antonio brought Sergio's food and smiled when he saw her. He said that it was good to have her back and that as a welcoming gift her lunch was on the house. 

"I told you he missed you," Sergio said when he was gone "Remember the time I traveled for three days for my brother's birthday? He didn't invite me any food when I was back, he didn't even notice" 

"Don't be jealous, he can’t help it if he likes me more than he likes you” she joked “And I've been gone longer than you did then" 

"Well you are a person easy to like so I don’t blame him" 

Oh, he wasn't making it easy for her. 

"So tell me, what happened in your life this week?" 

"Oh, so many things, I don't know where to start" of course he was joking. 

Sergio always said that his life was the most boring life in the world. Not that he complained, he liked it that way, it was easy.   
  
  


  
"I hate having to leave" he said putting his wallet back in his pocket after paying for his lunch. 

"But you're leaving. It's okay, I'll be here tomorrow, same time, and we will be able to continue catching up" 

"Good" he got up "I really missed you, Raquel. Is good to have you back" he kissed her cheek. "See you tomorrow" and kissed her again, on her forehead this time. 

"See you tomorrow" she forced a smile and watched him go. 

As soon as he was out, she ran to the bathroom and throw up. Closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. It was worse than she thought. How was she going to do it? 

She managed to get him out of her head for the rest of the day. When she got home later, she was exhausted and fell asleep as soon as she touched the bed. 

  
  
Tuesday was hard too, but Wednesday was a little better and Thursday wasn't hard at all. She liked to be with him so just talking to him was more than enough. Or that's what she thought, until she impulsively invited him to dinner when he was leaving on Friday.   
  
"I was just thinking about the other day when I was at your apartment, that you've never been to my place and if it wasn't for your little drinking problem that day then I never would've been to your place either" she said nervously. "Anyway, I'm just saying that maybe you should come to dinner tonight. Or not, whatever" she laughed. 

"I would love to. Should I bring something?" 

"I'd say wine but I don't trust you with wine anymore" 

"So wine then," he kissed her cheek "Send me your address and the time. See you tonight" 

"See you tonight" 

She let her head fell on the table when he was out. She was fucked. Why did she do that? She just wanted to spend a few more minutes with him but she didn't need to act so desperate.   
  
At evening she got home and started cooking early. She didn't use to put effort on cooking anymore but now he was going to eat what she was cooking so it had to be very good. 

In the end she didn't trust herself and ended up ordering from a good restaurant. Now there was a question: should she tell him she ordered or should she lie and say she cooked? No, she was supposed to act normal, she should tell him the truth. 

It was going to be the first time he was going to see her in casual clothes. Every time they went to somewhere else other than Hanoi, she went in her work clothes, but now she had no reason to not be comfortable. Of course she wasn't wearing her usual house clothes, she picked the best casual clothes in her closet. Some jeans that made her butt look a little better and a cute t-shirt. Got her hair up in a messy bun and that was it. It was very casual; he wouldn't notice she spent 20 minutes choosing clothes and other 10 minutes trying to make her hair look good. 

Sergio was there just in time. 

She took a deep breath and opened the door with a smile. 

"Hey" he smiled. 

Why, god, why? 

"Hey" let him kissed her cheek and moved from the door. "Come in" 

"You should put the wine in fridge. I know you like it very cold" he handed her the bottle. 

"Thank you" she took it and put it in the freezer.

She could see him looking around very discreetly and smiled. She cleaned and ordered everything really well but she was still a little insecure about it. 

"Smells good, did you cook?" 

_No._ "Yes, I had time" 

Okay, maybe she put everything in a pot to make it look like she made it. She felt a little much ridiculous now but it was too late. 

"Didn't know you knew how to cook" 

"I'm not a chef but I can be very good if I put some effort on it" 

"Did you put effort on it now?" he said with a little smile. 

"Because I wanted not because of you, don't feel special" 

His smile was big now. And the lie was worth it. 

"Do you want something to drink?" 

"I prefer drinking with food in my stomach" 

She rolled her eyes. "I meant water or something" 

"I'm fine, thanks" he said and put his hands in his pockets. 

"Well sit, please" the table was already set "The food is done so we should eat then" 

"Please. I want to see how much effort did you put on it" 

She was nervously staring at him when he was trying the food, didn't know if she was afraid of him not liking it or him discovering she hasn't cooked. 

"It's good" 

And she let out the breath she didn't know she was holding. 

"Really?" 

"If you didn't put a lot of effort on it then you're secretly a chef" 

And she laughed. 

Suddenly her nerves were gone and it was like a normal lunch at Hanoi. He was there talking about his day, making bad jokes that she thought were hilarious, listening carefully to whatever she said. She didn't want him to ever go, this was too perfect. 

When the wine made its appearance, everything was twice as funny. She felt her face warm and was sure she was as red as him, didn't know if it was the wine or that they were hot. That thought made her even more hot and shifted uncomfortably. The wine made them hot, and not in _that_ way. 

He helped her to do the dishes because she almost breaks a glass putting everything on the kitchen sink. They were shoulder by shoulder washing everything while still laughing about anything. She looked at his arms with his sleeves rolled up and bite her lip. Her look followed his arms more up until she looked at his profile while he kept talking about something she wasn't hearing anymore. She could easily reach up to him and lick his beard, bite his ear, kiss his neck. 

"I think we're done" he said and dried his hands with a towel. 

He saw she was smiling at him and laughed. Took her hand and brought her closer so he could dry her hands too. 

"I should get going, is late" 

"Did you drive here?" 

He nodded and put the towel where it was before. 

"Do you want me to take you home?" 

"No. I'm a little drunk but not more than you this time. I'm taking a taxi" 

_You can stay here_ , she wanted to say. "What about your car?" 

"I can come tomorrow" 

_You wouldn't have to come if you wake up here._

"I can bring something to eat and we can have breakfast" 

She smiled. "Yes, I'd like that" 

"Great" he grabbed his jacket. "I liked this; we should do it again sometime" 

"Yes" she whispered. Oh, she wanted to kiss him so much. 

"See you tomorrow." he got closer to her and she held her breath. "Have a good night" kissed her cheek and left. 

Raquel sighed with her eyes closed. 

What the hell was all that? Suddenly she felt sober. What if he noticed something? Was she being too obvious? Why the hell was she thinking about inviting him to sleep in her house? 

All of that was wrong, all the fantasizing about kissing him. She was supposed to forget about it, she was supposed to act normal. 

She went to the bathroom and washed her face. She shouldn't have invited him in the first place, what did she pretend, to make a move? The only thing she would get was scaring him away and that was the last thing she wanted. She had to control herself, she had to be more careful next time.   
  
*   
  
The doorbell woke her up. She was confused for a moment but then it sounded again and her head hurt. 

"Fuck" she murmured while getting up. "Who is it?"

"Sergio" 

WHAT? She was fully awake now. 

Right. He came for his car and to have breakfast. 

"Just a minute!" she said and ran to make herself look decent. 

She was ready in three minutes, the best ready she could be in three minutes. Just washed her face and brushed her teeth, put a little makeup on, fixed her hair and put on some cute pyjamas to pretend she woke up like that. 

Opened the door and smiled at him. "Morning" 

"Good morning" he kissed her and came in when she moved for him to do so. "I brought some macarons, donuts, croissants and a muffin. Didn't know what you eat for breakfast" 

"I just drink coffee for breakfast" she said and started making some. "You know when you said breakfast, I thought past 10am, considering that is Saturday and we drank last night" 

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" 

"Wasn't it obvious?" she looked at herself and he looked at her too.

"That's how you wake up? I'm impressed" 

"What?" she laughed nervously. 

"You look pretty good to have just woken up" 

She looked at the coffee pot because she couldn't keep looking at him. 

"You always wake up at this time on Saturdays?" 

"I'm used to wake up early from Monday to Friday so…" 

They had breakfast without talking much and it was comfortable. She thought she would freak out during their silences since she knew she liked him but it wasn't different than before. She thanked God for that. 

"See you on Monday?" he asked before leaving. 

She nodded 

"See you" 

Raquel thought of inviting him over more often because being at her house he would be the last one in arriving and the first one in leaving. He had to kiss her twice. She didn't know when they agreed that because they never talked about it but it was like that every time and she loved it. She missed kissing him though, she would make sure to arrive a few minutes later on Monday. 

She spent the rest of the day trying to read a book or watch some movies but everything reminded her of Sergio. Still kept trying not to think of him anyway. If her mind went to him, she forced it to go somewhere else. For some reason it went to other people she used to know and that was even worse, so she went back to him and then tried to go somewhere else from there.

God, she missed Monica. She could tell her everything, sure that it would stay between them. They were the kind of friends who would take each other's secrets to the grave. Raquel still will, not because of the love she will always have for Monica but because she didn't have anyone to tell such secrets to. She missed all of her friends. Ágata would trick her to go on a blind date or would convince her to sleep around to forget about Sergio. Ricardo would try to introduce all of his decent friends to her, he would even make a parade with them so she could pick whoever she wants. They would go party and get really drunk.

Why did she let them go and forget her?

Well now she was actually sad, and still thinking about Sergio. She was such an idiot.   
  
At night she decided to allow herself to think about him. He was in her current life, he was like a friend. She had him in a way. He was funny and cute. And she fell asleep smiling because of him. 

Of course she dreamed of him too. It was hot as hell and she woke up at 5am sweating and gasping. 

She started laughing. 

She was horny for the first time in years. It was frustrating but at the same time it felt so good. She was starting to feel actually alive again, it was well damn good. She just stayed in bed, looking at the ceiling. She knew she had to get up and take a shower but she couldn't. She was horny, she wanted to do something about it.

She took a deep breath, feeling nervous. She closed her eyes and focused on Sergio and that dream.

Okay, her nipples weren't sensitive anymore, it was okay, maybe she should go directly there. She sucked her fingers; her lips were trembling, or maybe her fingers were. _Calm_. She put her hand in her pyjama-bottoms, under her panties. And touched herself. 

Slowly. _Stay_ _Calm_. Sergio. _Think of Sergio, think of Sergio._

She was breathing fast now but it didn’t feel good. She closed her eyes tight. 

_Sergio._

NO. She couldn't ruin the thought of him like that.

She took her hand off her pants right away and ran to the bathroom for a cold shower. She didn't even take her pyjamas off, just tried to calm down under the frozen water. 

She was _never_ trying that again.   
  
*   
  
On Monday Raquel got to Hanoi a little later like she planned. 

She didn't want to kiss him anywhere now. She felt so gross and she didn't want to stain him. She was disgusting and didn't deserve to touch him in any way.   
But she kissed his cheek, because she had to; because he didn't deserve indifference, he deserved all the kisses in the world. Did she deserve to be the one that kisses him? Probably not. But he allowed her to do it, so she would continue doing it for as long as he let her. 

Maybe she won't stain _him_ , maybe he’ll clean _her_. 


	5. Look after you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this fic Raquel has a half brother and her father is the parent that is alive. I couldn't write Marivi being alive and not being close with Raquel💔

When Raquel was little, two weeks after starting middle school, a rumor started dispersing in her class: Amanda and Luisito kissed, _on the lips, with tongue_. Amanda was the girl every girl hated but wanted to be friends with, except Raquel, she just hated her. The girls went crazy because they all wanted to be like her, they didn't want to be left behind; so they started chasing boys, asking them to kiss them. Raquel and Monica where two of the three that didn't do that. Monica hated boys, they were rude and filthy. And Raquel was like another boy to them so they didn't want to kiss her, not that she asked; she thought they were stupid and hated that they believed themselves smarter than girls. But both Monica and Raquel wanted to know what was all the fuss about, so they agreed to kiss each other, even though they just started being friends and Raquel didn’t entirely like her.

So, one day after school, Raquel crossed the street to Monica's house. Monica invited her some cookies and chocolate milk before. Raquel rolled her eyes wanting to be over with it already but, contrary to the other girls, Monica wanted it to be special. Finally, she put one of the romantic CDs her mom listened to and they sat on the floor with their backs against the bed.

"You can kiss me now" Monica said.

"Am I the boy?" Raquel frowned.

Monica shrugged. Raquel sighed and just kissed her.

It lasted less than 30 seconds and when it ended Monica said it wasn't a big deal and that she didn't like kissing. Raquel agreed. But it was a lie, she actually liked it, she liked it so much that she wanted to start kissing everyone, she liked it so much that when she got home that day, she ran to her room to do the thing she used to do with her pillow that her mother said she should only do in private.

A few months later she learned that what she did was masturbating and what she felt with the kiss was horniness. She was able to recognize that when she went to spend the summer with her brother's family and met his best friend Jorge. She liked him from the second she saw him and continued liking him for her entire adolescence, even when she had her first and second boyfriend at 14 and 17. She still remembered how she used to imagine him kissing her boyfriends when she masturbated. Yes, she was a very horny teenager who got turned on by everything, thought everything was sexual, and used to steal her brother's porn and playboys.

She always had a high sex drive. She used to masturbate all the time growing up and even when she started having sex, she continued doing it very often; it was nice to know that she would always be able to have fun on her own. She had orgasms regularly since a very young age. So when she stopped feeling pleasure during sex and later on during masturbation, she didn't understand. When it happened with sex it wasn't that surprising actually, it had happened to her before and when her husband started treating her the way he did it was pretty obvious that it wasn't going to be pleasant anymore. But when she couldn't feel pleasure during masturbation and stopped getting horny at all, she freaked out; she liked getting horny and masturbating, she didn't want it to stop liking it.

One of the things she thought when that happened was that she used all of her sex drive, she ran out of it, but that was impossible, right?

She continued trying: everything that ever turned her on, every fantasy she ever had, she got herself some sex toys, she even started watching porn again but that just made her throw up.

Then she realized that that was what she wanted to think not to think of what was actually happening to her: she was broken, Alberto broke her in every possible way. She didn't just feel disgusted by other people, she felt disgusted by herself. To think that Alberto touched her wherever she touch herself just made her want to throw up.

Masturbating was not only not pleasant anymore; it was a terrifying and triggering situation.

She thought when she woke up horny that she was fixed, that because she could feel horniness again, she was going to be able to feel pleasure too, but she couldn't. After that masturbating fail, she slowly lost her horniness again. Yet that was good, that way she wouldn't want Sergio anymore. When she realized that she no longer had the urge to touch him, she thought she didn't like him anymore, but she just knew that she still did. She started thinking she was always going to like him, just like she liked Jorge, without the horniness part of course. She was always going to like him in a non-sexual way. It was pretty obvious that if she ever liked someone again it was going to be in an asexual way, and it was good, because Sergio was her friend or whatever. She liked him and just wanted to be close to him, to see him, to talk to him. That was more than enough.  
  
*

_May._

  
Raquel opened her eyes and rapidly sat up when she registered she wasn't home.

"Good morning"

And she looked at her left. Sergio was standing up behind the kitchen counter, drinking what it smelled like coffee. He was smiling at her; his hair was wet and he was wearing a t-shirt instead of the shirts she always saw him with.

"I slept here? Why didn't you wake me up?" she got up and only then saw the blanket she was covered with, now on the floor.

"You seemed comfortable" Raquel picked up the blanket and put it on the couch. "And I didn't need the space on the couch" he shifted a cup of coffee on the counter for her.

"Thank you" she sat in front of him and drank.  
  
After dinner in her apartment that first Friday, they decided to get dinner every Friday. One Friday at her place, one Friday at his. They agreed that since Sergio's schedule began to change and Raquel started having more paperwork because all her sub-inspectors colleagues were busy with real work, and they didn't coincide every day anymore.

That was the second time she went to his apartment and the first time she woke up there. It wasn't weird, it felt normal. And she wasn't that ashamed of him seeing her looking bad since she didn't like him like that anymore.

Sergio looked at her drinking her coffee in silence. For a moment he thought she could still be asleep.

They had fun last night. The first night she went to have dinner was very normal, but last night they drank more than one bottle of wine. She started asking him to teach her to play the piano and they made so much noise that his neighbors knocked at his door to complain.

Now she seemed very quiet in comparison.

"Are you okay?" he finally asked.

She looked at him.

"You're very quiet"

"I'm not fully awake yet"

He nodded and tried not to smile. She looked so cute.

"Talk to me. Wake me up"

Sergio thought for a second but he knew what he wanted to say.

"Did you know you..." he couldn't say it, he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. "You know you... you make a little noise when-"

"So I snore when I drink, get over it!" she cut him and he laughed.

"I thought you may not know" he kept laughing and she rolled her eyes. "It isn’t loud though, it’s very low"

"You could have wake me up, you know"

"It didn't bother me”

She finished her coffee and stayed looking at nowhere for a couple of minutes. Sergio kept looking at her, amazed by how she looked like she was still sleeping.

“¡I have to pee!” she said all of a sudden and startled him. But she didn’t saw that because she ran to the bathroom as soon as she said that.

He shook his head as he laughed. She was something else.

“God, I think I’m still drunk. I desperately need a shower” she said when she got out.

Sergio saw her grabbing her things but he didn’t want her to go.

“You can shower here”

She looked at him.

“Why would I shower here?”

“Because you’re going to get the most amazing breakfast when you’re done. And we can have lunch here too and we can watch that movie you found when you inspected my whole apartment last night”

She smiled.

“Will you lend me some comfy clothes?”

“Sure”

“What about underwear?”

He just kept looking at her, like he was processing what she said. Raquel laughed.

“Just give me clothes, I can use the same underwear, it won't be my first time"

He made a disgusted face.

"Oh please, like you never used the same underwear two days in a row"

"I never used the same underwear two days in a row"

"What about when you didn't shower for a day?"

"I shower everyday" he said going to his room to get the clothes for her.

"You never spent more than a day without showering? You boring" she followed him.

"I’m boring for being clean?"

“Hey, can I use your toothbrush too?”

“Ew, no, use a new one. Why would you use mine?”

“Thought you may not have a new one”

  
  


When Raquel got out of the bathroom wearing _his_ clothes, he felt his heart warm. She had to roll up the sleeves of the sweatshirt and the legs of the sweatpants too.

“¡You look so cute!” he said and she laughed. “Seriously, those clothes make you even shorter”

“The fact that you’re taller than me doesn’t make me short, so shut up”

They had breakfast and she fell asleep on the couch again after that. He woke her up at noon to ask her what she wanted for lunch.

“Are you going to cook?”

He nodded.

“Why don’t you just order pizza?”

And he ordered pizza.

Raquel wanted to eat while watching the movie but he said he didn’t watch any screen while he eats.

“Of course you don’t” she said.

She wanted to at least eat on the couch but he didn’t let her. So just when they were finish they sat on the couch to watch the movie.

He kept making comments and she made him shush every time he started talking.

“We already watch it” he defended himself.

“It’s been ages since the last time I watched it”

He was bored, the movie was so bad. He thought he could fell asleep anytime until loud moans started sounding and his eyes widened open.

"I didn't remember it had this scene" Raquel said, feeling uncomfortable.

"Yeah, me neither"

"And continues" she said when she thought it was over but it wasn't.

They were both uncomfortable, but they thought the other's uncomfortableness was funny. They were trying not to laugh but when they looked at each other and saw they were both holding it, they finally started laughing and it wasn’t uncomfortable anymore.

"Why do they have to be so loud though? It's obvious that it isn't _that_ good for anyone" he said.

"Well we have to take care of your ego"

"No, you don't. Maybe if you didn't fake and be honest instead, men would try harder and wouldn’t believe they are some kind of sex gods"

Raquel laughed.

"I wish guys were like that. If you tell a guy he is not good he will tell you worse things and will leave you to go find someone who tells them they are"

"But what about when they aren't bad? Why do you have to pretend you're having more fun than you're actually having?"

"Sometimes women are just loud"

"But most of the times they are exaggerating, right?"

"Probably"

The scene ended before they finished talking so they went back to be quiet. At the end, Raquel said she didn’t like it like she used to and he said he hated it more than he used to.

They watched another movie and after they discussed for a long hour about something the protagonist did.

Raquel hated to be the one that ends their discussions with “we have different opinions” but if they kept trying to change each other’s mind then they would end up mad and they never got mad at each other, the first time wasn’t going to be because of a movie.

Raquel stayed on the couch, waiting for things to calm down a little before get going.

“Why were we arguing so intensely about a stupid movie?” he finally said.

She sighed and shook her head with a smile.

“I’ll return your clothes when I wash them, I don’t want to be accuse of being filthy” she said and kissed his cheek.

“See you” he grinned.

  
  


After that one time, Raquel spent the night almost every one of his Fridays. He spent the night at hers too, just one time though, because her couch wasn't large enough for him to fit comfortably, unlike his, where they both fitted perfectly, not together of course. They started meeting at different times on different days too.

One Monday, Raquel appeared at his apartment at 11pm asking him to join her to get drunk.

"You're turning me into an alcoholic" he said while he filled her glass.

Sergio knew it was bad when she didn't make fun of his pyjamas. He didn't ask, just joined her with a glass. Just then he realized he had wine on his fridge when never bought wine to have on his fridge.

He let her sleep on his couch and drove her home early in the morning.

"Are you okay?" he asked when he parked in front of her building.

"Yes. Yesterday was a bad day that's all" she nodded and then smiled at him. "Thank you"

"Anytime" he smiled at her too.  
  
*  
  
Raquel's day didn't start very good: she had a belly ache, someone made her spill her coffee on herself and when she got to drink the second coffee, it made her throw up.

She complained about all that at lunch while she unsuccessfully tried to eat a salad.

"Why don't you go to the hospital?" he asked.

"I think I can survive a belly ache, Sergio"

"What if it's more than that?"

"What would it be?"

"I don't know, that's why you should go"

He said that if she continued feeling bad in the morning the next day, he would take her to the hospital.  
  
Just one hour later the pain was unbearable, so she got out of work and went to the hospital.

She survived some tests until they showed her some mercy and gave her the drugs she was begging for since the minute she entered the hospital.

When the pain was gone, she wanted to get the IV off her arm and go home, but then the doctor came and said she couldn't. It was appendicitis, she was getting surgery in two hours.

"Can I go home and come back in two hours?" she asked and he laughed.

 _Why are you laughing? I'm serious,_ she wanted to say.

"Want us to call someone? You didn't put any emergency contact in your form"

"It's okay, I'll make the calls"

When he got out, she closed her eyes and tried not to cry. Why was this happening to her?

Later a nurse came into the room to help her getting ready.

"How many people die during an appendectomy?" Raquel asked her.

The nurse laughed. Why was she suddenly a clown?

She googled it but she was still so scared she was literally trembling of fear. She asked if she could be anesthetized before going in but they said no. The nurse took pity on her and grabbed her hand until she was asleep.  
  
When she was completely out of the effects of the anesthesia, the nurse told her that everything went alright and that she was going to survive.

"Are you sure you don't want us to call someone? Anything hurt less if you have someone to grab your hand" the woman said.

"I'm okay, thank you."

Who was she going to call? Of course she thought of Sergio but coming to the hospital wasn't something he should do for her. That was something her family should do, her friends. The only person she would call of her family was her brother but he didn't live in same city. And her friends weren't her friends anymore and even if they were, they didn't live in the same city either.

She hasn't talked to any of them in years, even her brother being the only person she was almost sure would care a little. They texted for Christmas or New year and stuff like that, but she also texted Laura and their father, so she didn't see why her brother was different from the people who didn't care about her. That was her relationship with her family, birthday texts. What was she going to say if she texted now? "Hey, I'm in the hospital"? They would probably answer three days later. "Looks like my appendix didn't like me either" would've been a good one. God, she was miserable. The nurse was probably feeling bad for her.  
  
On the morning she finally could eat and get up to go to the bathroom alone. The nurse said she could wash herself too and offered her help in case she needed it.

Raquel needed clothes. The nurse kept going to check her bandages every now and then and she always saw her underwear. It wasn't a time to use the same underwear two times in a row. Suddenly had her mom's voice in her head telling her not to use different socks on each foot because she could end up in the hospital and she would be embarrassed by everyone seeing that.

She should brush her teeth too. It was a hospital, they should have that, right? But she was too ashamed to ask.  
  
She took her phone and went through her contacts. The list wasn't long. Raquel knew she should call her when she saw her name. She wasn't too nice but she looked like she would help a woman in need, or at least help someone for money.  
  
"Are you dying?" she picked up.

"Alicia, hi. No, not dying yet" so, everyone knew she was on the hospital. "I just needed-"

"Goodbye then" she hanged.

Raquel kept the phone against her ear for a few seconds, her mouth still opened.

"Okay" she said and tried to call her again.

Nope.

"Fuck!"  
  
She wasn't calling Angel under any circumstance.

Then she thought, if she was thinking of calling them when they barely talk then why wouldn't she call Sergio? It was too embarrassing, she didn't want him to know that she was completely alone. She would like him to call her if she was on his place though. She decided to wait and call him later, he was probably busy.

At 4pm she couldn't handle the nurse looks anymore.

"Do you work all day?" Raquel asked her when she was changing her bandages.

"I'm covering my friend’s shift today"

Raquel nodded.

"Your family couldn't come?"

"My friend is coming after work. I'm not dying so there's no reason for him to leave early"

She wanted to say that he wasn't actually her friend but the woman didn't care about that.

As soon as she was out Raquel took her phone and looked for Sergio's number. She had to call now, her battery was running out.

She took a deep breath and called him.  
  
"Hey" he said. She knew he was smiling, he sounded like he was smiling. "Did you miss me at lunch?"

"I didn't go to Hanoi either" she said. God, why was it so hard? "Listen, I'm calling because I need to ask for a favor. Are you busy?"

"Kind of, I'm about to enter to my last class of the day, it's just half an hour. But what do you need?"

"I'm... it can wait actually" she said and was about to say goodbye when a voice sounded through the speakers of the hospital. _Really? Really?!_

"Are you in the hospital? Why are you in the hospital? What happened? Oh my god, your belly ache. Are you okay? What is it? Is it bad?"

"I'm fine!" she cut him. "Seriously, I'm okay"

"Then what is it?"

"My appendix"

"Are they taking it out? When? I'm going to the hospital, send me the location"

"No! Stop!" she said and she was sure that he was as still as he was quiet. "Listen to me. They took it out yesterday and I’m fine now. I was calling because I need you to please go to my apartment and bring me some of my stuff. It can wait until you finish your class"

"Can I talk now?"

"Yes"

"Call your building's manager and tell him that I'm going to get your key. And text me the stuff you need. I'm going to get that and going to the hospital now and you can't stop me, okay?"

"Okay"

"Okay. Send me the location of the hospital too”

Raquel hanged and shook her head. She knew she should’ve call later.

*

Sergio opened the door of Raquel’s apartment and stayed standing there for a minute. It felt wrong getting into her place when she wasn’t there. Then he shook his head and entered. She asked him to do that, he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

He took out his phone and started looking for the things on the list she texted. It was easy because she wrote where everything was. He got the things from the bathroom and came out to continue with her room.

He froze when he read the word _panties_. He decided to leave that for the last and continued looking for the other things, feeling very uncomfortable. When he had everything but _that_ , he approached that third drawer.

The messaged said “the first one you see”, so he knew she was uncomfortable with it too. What if he called the manager to do that? No, that would be stupid. Why was it so hard? It wasn’t like he would be seeing _her_ wearing it. And thinking that made him more uncomfortable so he walked away from the drawer.

She was his friend, it was still new for him that he felt so comfortable with her, _that_ he wasn’t comfortable with. She was his friend; he was not supposed to see her underwear.

He was not supposed to see her underwear, he thought while he approached the third drawer and just opened but he walked away from it faster than he opened it.

Oh, he was hot, he was sweating. He loosened his tie. Why was he being so awkward? No one was seeing him.

He took a deep breath and with his eyes closed he took her panties with his fingertips and rapidly put it on the bag with the rest of her clothes. He closed the drawer and finally breath. It was done, he had everything.

Oh my God, she was in the hospital and he was there being awkward about seeing her underwear. He wanted to punch himself, but instead, he just got out and drove to the hospital.

He wanted to get her some flowers but that would make him lose more time. He would get her flowers later.

*

Raquel was looking at the wall listening to the news on the tv when someone knocked at the door. She knew it was Sergio because the nurse never knocked.

“Yes?”

And there he was.

“Hey” he said, quickly walked to her and kissed her forehead. “How are you?” he brushed a lock of hair behind her ear and tenderly stoked her cheek.

“I’m fine and you shouldn't have skipped your last class to come” she softly scolded him.

“I don’t understand why didn’t you call me yesterday. Were you even going to call me if you didn’t need this?” he gave her the bag with her stuff.

“It was nothing and I didn’t want to bother you” she started checking if he didn’t forget anything.

“You don’t bother me, that’s what friends are for.”

And there it was. _Friends_. He said they were friends. She wanted to cry, until that moment she didn’t let herself believe that they were friends but they were. She had a friend again, she wasn’t entirely alone.

“Okay stop” she said when she noticed that he was still talking. “I should’ve called yesterday; you shouldn't have skipped your class today”

“If you would've called me yesterday, I wouldn’t have skipped my class” he said.

“I’m hurt, are you seriously going to fight me?”

“No, you’re right, I’m sorry” he kissed her forehead again. “But seriously, how are you?” stroked her cheek _again_ and she smiled at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos AND the comments! Still too shy to respond, sorry. But I really appreciate it and love that you're liking it so far!


	6. I hate to see your heart break.

“Raquel, you’ve been in there for a while, are you okay?” he asked knocking the door of the bathroom.

“Try to wash yourself with an IV on your right arm and without touching your incision” she said.

“Do you need help? Want me to go get the nurse?”

“She had to help me pee yesterday, I think it was enough”

And Raquel got out of the bathroom 5 minutes after that. Sergio helped her to get back in the bed.

“Is it horrible?” he asked.

“It's not that bad”

“That _is_ horrible” he pointed at the IV.

She moved her arm looking at it and he turned away from her. She frowned.

“I am the one who has it, why do you seem more uncomfortable than me?”

“I just hate it. Aren’t you afraid of the tube getting stuck inside your arm?”

She avoided laughing. “Are you serious?”

“What are they giving you anyway?”

Raquel just shrugged.

“You don’t know what is going inside your body?” he said scandalized.

“They are doctors, Sergio, I’m sure they know what they’re doing”

He just shook his head. Of course, he made a hundred questions to the nurse when she went to check just that.

When they brought her dinner, he went quickly downstairs to get something for himself and came back to eat with her. He sat on the bed and they both ate on the overbed table while they talked lowly.

After, he just sat back on the chair and they stayed in a comfortable silence.

“Do you need anything?” he asked after a while.

She shook her head. “You can go if you want”

“No, I was just checking” he sighed, looking at the room. “How was your night here?”

“Scary” she admitted.

He gave her a soft look. “I hate that you’re here. Stupid appendix”

“Hey! It was stupid but it was mine” she joked and he smiled a little. “How much do you hate being here?”

“I remember the day I got out I sworn I would never put a foot on a hospital again”

“Sorry” she said.

“Oh, this isn’t my first time after that, it would’ve been amazing though”

She laughed and regretted immediately.

“Sorry” he said getting closer to take her hand.

“It’s okay”

Minutes and minutes happened and Sergio just stayed there, sitting on the chair now closer to the bed, staring at her in silence without letting go of her hand. He didn't seem to have anything on his mind so she wasn't worried about his silence. She just held his gaze.

She still liked him so much. It was weird, every time she liked someone in the past, she wanted to take them to the bedroom and kiss them _everywhere_. Now she was looking at him in the eyes and didn't want to stop doing just that. She would prefer stay looking at him forever instead of getting in bed with him.

She smiled at him and he smiled back.

"What?" he asked.

"You're very cute"

He chuckled.

"You're very cute too"

Raquel bit her lip. She wanted to bite him, to eat him; maybe that's what the butterflies in her stomach wanted so much. She knew she should stop looking at him because she would make him uncomfortable, he didn’t seem to care though.

"Is late, you should go" she finally broke the eye contact.

“I don’t mind staying”

“I want to sleep”

“Good night then” he said and she grinned.

“Sergio, go home”

He seemed to think about it. “I’ll go when you’re asleep, I don’t want you to be scare.”

“I’ll be fine.”

He hesitated.

“Just go” she smiled at him to make him see that it was okay.

Sergio sighed and got up.

It was written all over his face that he didn’t want to leave and she almost told him not to.

“Sleep well” he kissed her cheek and she noticed how it was a bit longer than usual.

“Drive safe” she whispered, her heart was about to explode. He kissed her forehead. “Good night” said so low that thought he might not heard her.

“Good night” he responded.

He left and she closed her eyes, trying to control her breathing, her heart was beating too fast.

  
  


*

  
  


Raquel was grabbing her stuff so ready to leave when Sergio knocked the opened door.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

“Good morning to you too” he kissed her cheek. “For you” he gave her the flowers and took her bag off her hands.

She looked at the flowers and then at him.

“I wasn’t going to let you go home by yourself” he explained.

“I can perfectly go home by myself”

“Of course you can, but you don’t have to”

A nurse, finally a different one, came into the room with a wheelchair.

“Is that really necessary?” Raquel asked.

“You can walk but not that much, so yes”

“I can take it” Sergio said and she nodded. “Thank you”

Raquel looked at him when he was waiting for her to sit.

“I can’t, it’s too weird” she said.

“Is only to the exit, come on. You’ve never used one? I used to love them when I was a kid” he grabbed her hand with one hand and put one on her back to make her sit. “Me and my dad used to play racing with other patients and we always won”

“The hospital staff let you?” she asked while they got out of the room, finally.

“Not really”

He drove her home and made her grab his arm while they walked into her apartment. He made her get into bed and asked her if she was hungry.

“Don’t you have work?”

“Not until noon”

She frowned.

“I wanted to be with you” he shrugged. “It’s nothing. Come on, are you hungry? What do you want to eat? You should make me a list with the things you can and cannot eat”

The following week he spent more time at her apartment than at his own. Her couch wasn’t comfortable for him and he stayed two nights anyway. She was feeling so cared she literally wanted to cry all the time. He never asked any questions about why her friends and family weren’t there, she was almost sure he didn’t even notice.

One night, when she got up to drink some water, she watched him sleep for a few minutes. For a moment she felt the urge to kiss him but she quickly went back to her room. No, she was over that.

Four weeks after everything she finally felt like herself again. It was weird having a new scar, she had a few ones but none of them from a surgery, she actually liked that one. Sergio never stopped being caring, he didn’t seem to notice though, like it was normal for him.

*

_June._

Sergio knocked at her door and listened a “come in!” from the inside. He frowned and opened the door hesitantly.

“Hey” he said, feeling like she was actually waiting for someone else.

“Hey” she said while angrily doing the dishes, didn’t look at him.

“What is that smell?” he asked smelling something burned.

That seemed to make her angrier and he regretted saying it.

“The food” she said drying her hands, then throw the towel on the kitchen counter. “Sorry, you’ll have to eat whatever I order” she took a bottle of wine out of the fridge and put it on the counter.

“It’s okay”

She took two glasses out the cupboard and when she walked back, she accidentally dropped one.

“Fuck!”

He stopped her when she wanted to pick up the broken glass with her bare hands.

“Better do it with the broom” he said grabbing her by the wrists.

“Let go of me!” she yelled and he rapidly let go, but he didn’t move away.

“What is it?”

She closed her eyes and took a step back, she was trembling. “I’m sorry” she whispered.

“Raquel, it’s okay. What is it?”

“It’s just…” she shook her head and looked at him. “Today is my mom’s death anniversary and I’m just…”

He hugged her.

He was never the one who started a hug with anyone, but when she said that, with that broken voice and those watery eyes, he couldn't help it. He held her tight, trying to make her feel all the love he had for her.

She cried. He gave her three kisses on the cheek, feeling her tears on his lips, and continued hugging her.

She hugged him too, tighter than she has ever done. Hid her face on his neck and breathed him, it felt like home. It wasn't and it would never be as good as her mom’s hugs but it weirdly felt like home.

A few minutes later she slowly broke the hug. She wanted to stay there but she felt that it was too much to ask. Yet he kept holding her, one hand on her back and the other stroking her cheek.

"Have you eaten anything today?"

"Not really"

"Can I make you something? I know you're probably not hungry but you have to eat"

She smiled with lips tight and nodded. He wiped away her tears and gave her a little kiss on the nose and then another one on her forehead. Suddenly he wanted to fill her with kisses and hugs, but he let go, quickly swept the broken glass of the floor and started making something. He wanted to do it fast so she could eat and he could go back to hugging her.

Just ten minutes later he put a plate of soup in front of her and sat next to her, a hand stroking her back.

“Thank you” she said. "You don't eat?"

"Yes, I just want to make sure you eat first"

"That would be weird. Get a plate and eat with me, please"

He nodded and did that. He wasn't very interested on eating but he finished his soup without noticing because he was looking at her.

When she finished, he took their plates and quickly washed them. When he came back, she was crying again.

"Now that I started, I won't stop" she said.

"It’s okay. Cry all you need to"

"God" she covered her face, embarrassed. "Sorry"

"Please, don't" he took her hands. "You can cry in front of me, please don't be ashamed of it."

"It must be uncomfortable for you"

It used to be. He would run every time someone started crying. But he didn't mind staying when it was her, because she was his friend.

"It's not. I hate that you're crying but I understand. Just let me know if I can do anything to make you feel better"

"You being here is more than enough." she smiled at him, her eyes full of tears. His heart bled. "Thank you."

"Always."

He came back to stroking her back. He wanted her to stop feeling sad, he wanted to take her pain away and he didn't know how to do that, he never felt more useless in his entire life.

"I miss her so much" she sobbed. "The only thing I could think all day was how I just wish I've stayed with her. All those nights that she wanted to watch a movie on the couch and I didn't stay because I went out with my friends" her voice broke but she kept talking, faster. "Or when I moved with Monica when we started college, I just wanted to be a grown up and I shouldn't have. I should have stayed at my mom's house, living under her rules, learning every little thing about life she tried to teach me" she cried harder and he hugged her, quickly wiping away his own tears. "I lost so much time with stupid things instead of spending that time with her" her crying became louder. "She was my person and she's gone, and she's never coming back"

He felt actual pain and just hoped he was at least taking hers away, at least a bit of it.

Some hours later they had moved to the couch and just stayed there, each on one side, both with a glass of wine. She was still crying but quietly, her gaze lost and her mind somewhere else. He was there, giving her space but being there for her.

Once she realized, it was very late.

"Can I stay? I don't want to leave you alone" he said.

"You can stay, but please don't do it for me, you don't have to."

"I want to."

She nodded. "Okay. Good night."

She was going to her room but she stopped, turned around and looked at him.

"This is going to be really inappropriate but I have to ask"

He looked at her, waiting.

"Can you come and hug me until I'm asleep? You don't have to stay in my bed, just until I'm asleep"

"Of course."

"Are you sure?” she asked. “You don't have to do it, it’s more than okay if you don't want to and I won't get offended or anything"

"I told you to tell me if I can do anything to make you feel better. If that will make you feel better then I don't mind doing it, it would be my pleasure."

"Okay."

In her room, he took off his jacket and lay down on her bed with open arms. She lay down close to him and he hold her; her head leaning on his chest while he stroked her back with one hand and her hair with the other.

“Thank you” she whispered and closed her eyes.

When she was asleep, he stayed for a bit just to make sure. He didn't want to leave her, he didn't want her to feel alone. However, he carefully got up and went to sleep on the couch.


	7. Let me kiss you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I felt kind of brave yesterday and I attempted to respond to your comments but after the second one I just cringed because I didn't know what to say so I stopped, and yes, I wont stop thinking about it for at least a week haha. Anyway, I just feel bad for not responding to each one, just wanted to say that I really appreciate you taking the time to comment, or leave kudos, or just read this fic. I feel like this story was way better in my head and I just ruined it with my writing, so it means a lot to me that you're liking it. Thank you!  
> Since I'm here, I have to say again that english isn't my first language, sorry for all the orthographic and grammatical mistakes!  
> That's it, have a good day!

Sergio woke up early in the morning, he barely slept, his chest ached all night. Before, he would've worried, but now he just knew it was for her. It was the first time he saw her cry and he never wanted to see it again, he didn’t want her to cry ever again. He knew it was normal to cry, he has done it many times, but he just wanted her not to cry ever again, how hard could it be? He took it as a new goal: to help her feeling better every time she felt sad. Hopefully, she would never cry again.

With that on mind, he got up of the couch. He stretched, his entirely body hurt. That damn couch was small, should he begin with buying her a new one?

He went to check on her, she was still asleep. Then went to the kitchen and started making breakfast. His mind was looking for ideas to make the day a good day. Being a good friend was hard.

When everything was done, he went to her room. He didn’t know if he should wake her up; it wasn’t late, she could sleep some more. Then he remembered she barely ate yesterday and he decided to wake her up.

He sat down on her bed, reached out a hand and slowly brushed a lock of hair off her face.

“Raquel” he called softly and stroked her cheek. “Raquel.”

She seemed fine, calm and peaceful. He hesitated for a second, maybe he should let her sleep. He was about to take his hand away when she put a hand on his and stroked it.

“Hey” she whispered and lazily opened her eyes.

“Good morning” he smiled at her.

“Good morning” she smiled back. _Yes!_

“I made you breakfast”

Her smile widened. He was killing it.

“I should cry more often” she joked.

_Please, don’t._

“Like I never made you breakfast before” he took off her blanket. “Come on, get up.”

“No!” she grumbled while he grabbed her hand and made her get out of bed.

In the kitchen, they were both eating in silence, but she could feel his look on her.

“You can ask or say whatever you want” she said and gave him a little smile so he could see that it was okay.

“It is always like yesterday?” he asked.

She sighed.

“Not really. I don’t think I’ve cried like yesterday since _the_ day” she said. “I think I never let myself cry before.”

He stretched out a hand and stroked her cheek. How she loved that. How he loved doing that.

She leaned her face against his hand with closed eyes, enjoying it.

His heart skipped a beat as she did that. “Come here” he got up.

She didn’t hesitate and ran into his arms.

“Your hugs are too good” she fake cried and he chuckled.

He would hold her forever if he could.

He spent the day spoiling her and she enjoyed it even though she was better and that wasn’t necessary. He made her lunch, he watched her favorite movies, he even tried to dance with her when she felt like listening to music. And trying to keep making her laugh, he was telling so many bad jokes she eventually felt sorry for him and had to tell him to stop. He was offended for a minute.

“I think I’m too offended to forgive you so easily” he said after she said sorry.

She was joking when she said sorry because she thought he was joking about being offended but now it seemed too real.

“I’m sorry, really. I’m sorry you suck at telling jokes.” she laughed when she saw he was more offended. “That was a joke. See? I suck too”

But he wasn’t looking at her anymore, his arms crossed. He looked like a little boy and she wanted to squeeze his cheeks and ruffle his hair.

“I’m sorry for that too, honestly. What do I have to do for you to forgive me?”

He pretended to think about it.

“I think a kiss would do it.”

She stopped breathing for a moment.

“Where the kiss?” she approached him, with a little smile. She knew where but deep down she was hoping it would be somewhere else.

He put his face close to her and pointed at his cheek. She grinned broadly and gave him a good kiss on the cheek. She could see him trying not to smile.

“No, it didn’t work. Maybe another one.”

She chuckled and kissed him again. He thought about it for a second and finally nodded.

“I forgive you.” when he looked at her, she was still close and smiling. “You are so pretty.” he just said.

Oh, all those emotions couldn't be good for her heart.

“You suck at telling jokes, and I’m not apologizing again.” she whispered.

He finally left later that night, because he didn’t shower in all day and felt stinky, he also didn’t brush his teeth and she was very honest when he asked her if he had bad breath. He blamed her and scolded her for not having an extra toothbrush. She offered him both clothes and her toothbrush but he just shuddered by that last thinking. He actually considered the first one thinking that it would make her smile but he just had to go, being a good friend was a little exhausting.

*

On Friday Raquel was drinking her coffee when someone knocked at her door. She frowned.

“Yes?” she asked to the man there.

“I have a package for Raquel Murillo.” he said.

“I didn’t order anything.”

“You don’t have to pay anything.” he said like he was used to it.

Raquel signed right away. _A package,_ she thought smiling.

“What is it?” she asked.

Less than fifteen minutes later she was looking at it, in the middle of the way between the bedroom and the kitchen. The guys who brought it were gone.

Sergio.

She called him, shaking her head.

“Good morning.”

Oh, she wanted to punch the smile she knew was on his face.

“You bought me a couch?”

“I didn’t buy it for you, I bought it for me, I am the one who sleeps on it. It’s one of those that turns into a bed” he said eagerly.

“You _don’t have_ to sleep here” she simply said.

“Come on, it’s way better than the one you have. I will go to your place later so we can burn that one together.”

“Why all the hate to my couch? It is my couch and I like it”

“It is uncomfortable and ugly. Is too small for the all the space you have. And that color, Raquel? Really? It doesn’t even go with the rest of your stuff.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, didn’t know you were an interior designer” she chuckled, still a little mad.

“You don’t like the couch or you’re just mad at me for buying it without telling you?”

“Different than you, I’m not a couch hater. I’m _your_ hater right now”

“Thank God, I was actually scared that you didn’t like it” he sighed with relief.

So he was actually worried then.

“Will you let me pay you?”

“Absolutely not. It’s a gift. Remember that I bought it without telling you, I deserve not to be paid”

“You don’t deserve to paid” she agreed and nodded. “I have to go to work now but will you come over later to help me get the other one out of the way?”

“It will be my pleasure.”

Raquel grinned and hanged.

She looked at the new couch and then at her couch. It was too ugly compared to the new one, she felt sorry for it. She sat down and stroked it.

“I’m sorry” she whispered. She wanted to say more but she felt stupid, so instead, she just got up and went to work.

*

  
  


What Raquel thought about not needing to touch him? Didn't last. She didn't actually _need_ to touch him, she just did it before she could think about it. She didn't even notice at first and he didn't seem to care. She was touching him all the time: his hand, his arm, his hair, his beard, his back. And he touched her too, she was more conscious of that, he touched her just like she touched him, even more. He squeezed her knee before getting up of the couch. He touched her belly over the clothes, tickling her, trying -successfully- to make her laugh. Once, after stroking her cheek, he let his hand run down through her neck to her shoulder; she felt her knees weak and got goosebumps all over her body.

They spent so much time staring at each other. Once, they spent half of their lunch just holding each other’s gaze in silence and if it wasn't for the argue between a costumer and a waitress that brought them back, they wouldn't have even noticed the pass of the time. They just liked each other's eyes so much, it made them feel like the world didn't exist outside.

And they _hugged_. They hugged sometimes when they said goodbye, it never lasted much, sometimes where just seconds but it was nice. It was like recharging energy.  
  
For him, it was so weird to feel so comfortable with someone invading his personal space, but didn't think about it too much because he didn't want to start feeling uncomfortable, even though he already thought it was impossible. It was too nice having her close to him, it was a feeling that made him happy. It made him happy having her close, it made him happy to have a friend when he thought he never needed one. He knew he didn't _need_ her, but now that he had her he wanted her to stay.  
  
*

_July 3rd._  
  
On just another Monday, they were laughing at lunch, talking about the night before: they were walking back to his car after watching a movie when a colleague of Sergio pretended to try to rob him and Raquel literally grabbed him and put him against a wall.

"He does that to everyone" Sergio said.

"I didn't know that!"

"It was actually really annoying but there's no way I won't laugh every time from now on."

"I don't think he will ever do it again after yesterday."

And they burst out laughing again. Sergio imitated her as the night before with his colleague and they laughed louder.

People were looking, clearly annoyed, but they didn't care. Raquel was literally crying with laughter but she couldn't stop. Now _th_ _ose_ were the kind of tears he wouldn't mind seeing more often.

Every time they were about to calm, they just started again.

"Please, stop." she begged, wiping away the tears. "It hurts."

"Yes, it wasn't that funny" he said suddenly really serious.

That didn’t help her and she throw him a napkin. He laughed too; he loved her laugh so much.

A few minutes later she was with her face hidden between her crossed arms on the table.

"Are you okay?" he asked worried.

"Yes" she answered. "I'm afraid that if I look at you, I will start laughing again and it was too much already, I haven't laughed like that in years."

He grinned.

"I won't say or do anything."

She stuck her eyes out. Sergio put his hands in the air, showing that he wouldn't do anything. But Raquel hid her face again.

"What?" he asked.

"You put your hands in the air" she said with a voice that proved that she was trying not to laugh.

He covered his mouth with his hand, trying not to do it either.

"I'm sorry, I promise I didn't mean to."

Raquel was about to laugh again when her phone started ringing. She looked up, frowning. He was there, who was calling her?

She took the phone out of her bag and saw it was Angel. Something had to happen for him to be calling her.

She picked up immediately. "What?"

Sergio saw her frown grow and grow.

"Are you sure it isn't there?" she asked. "I'll be there in a minute" she hanged.

"Is everything okay?" he asked. He wanted her to start laughing again, not frowning.

"Apparently a really important document that I had on my hands is missing and they can't find it. They are so stupid I'm sure I will find it the minute I get there" she said while grabbing her stuff.

"God, I have to go too" he said looking at the hour on his watch.

They left together. Out, he helped her find a taxi.

"Are you sure everything is okay?" he asked, seeing her too serious all of the sudden.

"I promise you it is" she gave him a little smile for him not to worry.

He stopped a taxi.

He kissed her cheek and before he could pull back, she kissed his. Suddenly they were very close. Her lips stroked his beard as she pulled back a little to look at him.

1 second: they looked into each other's eyes.

2 seconds: their lips were against the other's.

4 seconds: her phone started ringing again.  
  
They both took a step back. She picked up the call. He opened the door of the taxi for her.  
  
"I said I'm coming" she said as she got into the car. She told the driver the directions and kept 'listening' to Angel on the phone while she looked at Sergio through the window as the taxi started moving away.

Sergio ran a hand over his face and looked around, wanting to find someone looking at him to ask them if that really happened, and also making sure nobody saw that because he was embarrassed like a little boy after kissing the girl he likes. He wanted to go home, get into bed and cover himself up to his head with a blanket.  
  
What the hell was that? He felt nervous all the way back to the university. He loosened his tie, he was struggling to breath.

What the hell was that? No, she was his friend, he wasn't supposed to do that.

 _What the hell was that?_ He didn't understand, was it an accident? Did he kiss her or she did? No, no, no.

She was his friend, he didn't see her like that, did he? She was beautiful, he wasn't blind, but he didn't like her like that. He knew he loved her, he wasn't _that_ dumb, but loved her as _a friend_. He even compared her to his brother once, when he was thinking about whether he loved her or not. He thought: if they were drowning, whom would he save? He couldn't choose. That way he knew that he loved her, because he never loved anyone out of his family. He even thought of her as a sister!

He was panicking.

He would never kiss his brother, that thinking made him want to vomit. Then why did he kiss her if she was like a sister to him? Why didn't the thought of kissing her wasn't making him sick? Okay, so he wasn't thinking of her as a sister anymore. But even as a friend, he shouldn't kiss his friend, friends weren't supposed to do that.

He walked to his next class and started preparing himself. When his students came, he was the professor and the professor didn't have any friends so he didn't kiss anyone he shouldn't have.  
  
*  
  
As Raquel said, she quickly found the document everyone was looking for and, in the end, it wasn't the document they actually needed, the one they needed never touched Raquel's hands so she was free of them.

She wouldn't have minded to keep hearing them though, that way she wouldn't have to think of what she had just done.

She wanted to kick herself. She has been liking him for almost three months, she was doing great at not showing it and then, she kissed him. What was she going to do? She couldn't see his face ever again, that for sure. She was too embarrassed, she felt like everyone were looking at her and judging her even though she knew no one noticed her existence. She wanted to cry because now she wanted to kiss him again, for real this time. She was screwed.

Once again, she ruined a friendship. Why was she so bad at it? Why was she able to keep making friends being her? Why was she allowed? She shouldn't be. She shouldn’t make friends never again, ever, for the sake of those poor people, she didn’t deserve them.

She was insulting herself more than ever before when her phone sounded with a new text.

Sergio: Usual time tonight?

She frowned. Something wasn’t right.

Then she remembered that it was him, the kindest person in the entire world. Obviously, he would tell her in person that he never wanted to see her again.

She was already dying of shame, but she owed him.

Raquel: Yes.

  
  


*

  
  


Raquel didn’t know if she should make dinner. He would eat first if he had to, he was so polite, but she just wanted to rip off the band aid fast. So she didn’t make or ordered anything. Plus, that way it was less time of embarrassment.

She waited for him, sitting on the couch he gifted her. Should she get a new one now? No, she would keep it as a reminder of the friendship she didn’t know how to take care of.

She heard the knock in her door and she breathed in and out deeply, she was not going to cry.

When she opened the door, Sergio was not smiling as usual.

“Hey.”

“Hey” she faked a little smile.

She stood aside so he could come in but he just took a step forward, large enough for him to close the door behind him.

So he would do it in her doorway then, okay.

He approached her. Her heart raced. He gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. She closed her eyes and exhaled. Just like earlier that day, before he could pull out, she kissed his cheek too. She wanted a last kiss to remember; because it was the last kiss, wasn’t it?

Her lips moistened his cheek as he slowly pulled his head back.

They looked into each other's eyes. A silent conversation, they've done that before.

_Do you want this? I know I do. Should we be doing this?_

_I'm dying_ _for it._  
  
Eyes on each other's lips. Eyes back to eyes.  
  
 _P_ _lease._

 _Y_ _es, please._  
  
And they kissed. A real kiss this time. Every little thought abandoned their minds. They were full with the feeling. They just felt everything: her hands on the back of his neck, one of his hands on her cheek and the other on her lower back. _Their lips_ _together._ It felt too good. It was all over their bodies it was overwhelming.

He pulled her closer, pressing her body against his. She pulled his head a little lower and stood on tiptoes to kiss him more deeply. He let out a groan against her mouth and she sighed. She felt his hand stroking her back _under_ her shirt, and even though it didn’t feel wrong, she didn’t want it, but she didn’t want to ruin the moment either. Without breaking the kiss, she slowly grabbed his hand and took it off her shirt. Luckily, he got it, and continued stroking her back _over_ her clothes now.

She smiled during the kiss. She didn’t remember feeling that happy in years.


	8. Can't believe you notice me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments on the last chapter! I'm really glad you liked it.❤️

_Summer, 2017._

They never talked about it.

After that first kiss, that extended itself for fifteen minutes, they didn’t say anything. They said goodbye without looking at each other, both blushed, he left and they didn’t talk about it.

They were both very embarrassed to call so they didn’t talk at all that weekend.

On Monday, however, they met at Hanoi. They were in an uncomfortable silence, waiting for the other to say something, until Raquel started talking about anything just to end the silence. And it wasn’t uncomfortable anymore. They just didn’t talk about it.

That night, he waited for her to arrive to ask her what she wanted to eat, he knew what she liked but always wanted to be sure. She sat on the couch while he ordered and then he sat with her. It was automatic, he sat and five seconds later they were kissing. The food arrived, he got up to get it, left it on the table, went back to couch and they continued. A lot later, when she was leaving, he told her to take her food and eat it at home.

The next day was the same, and the rest of the week.

They never talked about it, they actually didn’t talk at all when they were alone. They met in Hanoi at lunch or dinner when really wanted to eat and talk, when they met at each other's places though, they just didn't talk. It was different, when they met for lunch, they seemed to forget about all the kissing that they have being doing, when they were alone, they seemed to forget of everything else that wasn't kissing.

Raquel was worried, she didn't know what to think, what the hell was going on; when she was with him she didn't think at all but every time they left, she would freak out. She wasn't going to ask, she was afraid she will ruin everything. No, if he wasn't talking about it then she wouldn't either.

Sergio wanted to talk about it, he had that intention. He didn't want to do it in Hanoi because of the lack of privacy, but every time they were alone, they would just kiss. Every time he drove to her place or waited for her at his own, he was determined to talk; not kissing, just talk, maybe some kissing later but talk first, talk was important.

When she went to get dinner at his place, she thought he didn’t cook because they weren’t going to eat but he asked her to cook with him.

“You haven’t cook yet?”

“I got distracted with my computer” he said.

“ _You_ got distracted?” she also wanted to ask about what was he doing on his computer that he got distracted but it was none of her business.

He got distracted doing some research to be ready for the talk. He ended up on a girly website doing some test called “Do I have a crush on my best friend?”, he wasn’t a girl but he made it work. Turned out he did have "a crush" on her, he did a little research about that little word too. He didn’t completely understand though, why did he never notice? He couldn't say when it started, he never wanted to kiss her before and then they kissed and he got addicted, it didn’t make sense to him.

After eating they sat on the couch with a glass of wine, it was the moment to talk. She was talking, not about that, but talking, he just had to bring the thing up. He tried to talk but he couldn't, he was busy making a superhuman effort for listening to what she was saying and not get distracted by her lips. Not much later he just kissed her without letting her finish whatever she was saying, it was magnetic how he just reached up to her.

And the talk continued going down the toilet every time, he couldn't help it.

After a few days they just forgot about it, they would talk when have to. They just continued with the kissing every time they were alone and forgot about it every time they were in public. It was okay, it was good, they liked it.

The kissing was good. Very good. Extremely good. Raquel lost herself completely in the moment each time. Sergio thought he didn't but he did: he always thought about it for a few seconds, amazed by how good kissing was and how he never liked it that much before, then Raquel touched his tongue with hers and he was lost completely.

It was just kissing, but it was heating a little day by day. At first it was soft, then not that much. There was some tongue, some bites. They lay down on the couch to be closer, then he laid on top of her or she laid on top of him, until he moved her to his lap and that became their most recurrent position. They became bolder with the touches and soon their hands where everywhere, always over the clothes though. The first time he touched her ass he did it shyly, he asked her if it was okay and she said it was, not much time later he got obsessed with it and she loved that. They kissed more than the lips, like the neck and a little down it. The kissing became hotter and they knew it could never come back to not being hot.

The first time he got an erection was when she kissed his neck for the first time; he was sure he didn’t even like neck kisses that much, it was the fact that _she_ was kissing his neck. It was uncomfortable for him at first, she was going to ignore it but she couldn't if he was uncomfortable.

“It’s okay” she whispered against his lips and kept kissing him for a bit. Then she realized he might still be uncomfortable. “Do you want to stop?” she asked.

He just shook his head and they continued.

And they got used to the erections, it was weird to end the night without one. Although he clearly needed more, he never asked for it, after the first time he put his hand under her shirt and she took it away, he never tried again. She was going to tell him when she wanted more; he knew that, she knew he knew that and he knew that she knew he knew that.

 _It's just kissing_ , they both thought. They always ended the night before they were about to explode, so it was just kissing. Raquel always took a cold shower after he was out, tried not to think about what he was going to do to resolve his problem. She was sure no one ever ended up with more blue balls than Sergio, she thought they could fell off at any moment now. She felt sorry for him but at the same time loved how he never tried anything, how he was clearly in pain every time he left and never complained about it. But she was sorry for him. She was sorry for herself too, she was just as horny and couldn't even masturbate. She didn't try again, she was tempted but she didn't, she didn't want to ruin it.

She kept kissing him and only kissing him, feeling like a teenager afraid of having her first time.

It was on one night, when Raquel was rocking her hips against him and started moaning that she realized what she was actually doing. Sergio was grabbing her ass, strongly pressing her against him and kissing her neck, panting. She continued for a moment, trying to go back to not thinking but she couldn't.

"It's late" she said as she stopped.

She moved off him and they both tried to catch their breaths for a moment. Sergio was with his eyes closed and his head back.

She wanted to just continue but she couldn't, she felt ashamed for some reason.

He got up, gave her a last little kiss, said good night and was about to leave when she stopped him.

“Sergio.”

He looked at her.

“Your glasses” she handed them to him.

Raquel started taking them off because she kept hitting them with her nose and she wanted to kiss him in peace.

When he left, she laid on the couch, writhing. She was about to cry, she needed it. She unbuttoned her pants and just got a hand in there. If she needed, she would do it, she was sure it was going to be a disappointment but at least she would stop wanting it. It didn’t feel bad but she wasn’t feeling anything at all. She tried it for a few minutes but finally gave up, got up of the couch grumbling and went to take a shower.

The next nights, Raquel lost herself on it and stopped before it was too late. She was feeling pleasure, but when she tried to finish after he left she just couldn't, she didn’t understand what was she doing wrong. It was until the cold shower stopped working when she decided to try something different.

She was on bed trying to sleep, still horny. She laid face down, took a cushion and put it under her in between her legs. She moved slowly, patiently, Sergio and only Sergio on her mind. After a while she began to like it, she sighed and tried not to think. It grew so slowly she didn’t even notice and suddenly she was panting, her entire body tense. Finally, she held her breath, her eyes closed tight, gripped the pillow and buried her face on it, suffocating a loud moan when she came. She continued moaning as the powerful wave went through every inch of her body, making her tremble, she even felt like she passed out for a moment. She couldn't say how much it lasted but it took another long minutes to come back. When she opened her eyes, moved her face to the side and leaned her cheek against the pillow. She just stared to wall for a while, not entirely back yet. She was still panting when she realized what just happened. She was divided between laughing and crying, finally, she did both, she laughed while the tears ran through her cheeks, and hide her blushed face on her pillow. She couldn't believe it. 

After that she felt ready to have sex with him.

Sergio was on top of her and she had her legs wrapped around his waist, she took his shirt off his pants and unbuttoned three buttons instead of two like she always did after untying his tie. He was rubbing himself against her, stroking pretty tightly her breast after she took his hand and put it there. She wanted to do it but she couldn't. So, in the end, she didn't do anything.

Since apparently she wasn’t ready, she continued masturbating, all by herself, still amazed by how she was able to do that again. She was humping everything all the time, she felt eleven again, discovering she could do that thing that felt great. She felt she owed it to Sergio, no, she didn’t owe it entirely to him but he helped a lot. So, one night before he left, she just thanked him.

“What for?” he asked.

She shrugged. “For being you, and being my friend” she said.

He gave her a smile.

“You’re very welcome” he nodded. “And thank you too, for being you and for being my friend” and he left.

Raquel was just enjoying more than ever all the kissing and rubbing that she was doing with him, and he was clearly enjoying it a lot too. It was perfect but she began to want more and more every day, she didn’t know how long was she going to be able to hold back.

  
Sergio didn't want sex, his body clearly wanted it but he didn't, he knew it wasn't worth it. He didn't like sex, he tried it many times before and he didn't like it. The best he had was at least a little uncomfortable and he would pay all the money in the world to forget the worse. He was sure he was asexual, he tried to have sex a few more times before declaring it just to make sure -because he knew he didn't have to like every person- but he was asexual. He accepted it, he embraced it, he even came out to his brother. He knew he didn't need to do that but he was tired of Andres always asking about his love and sex life.

When he told him, Andres laughed at him and said everyone liked sex. Sergio didn't let him discuss much.

"If I respect that you are heterosexual even though you have sex with guys every once in a while, you have to respec that I am asexual"

"Asexual people have girlfriends or boyfriends too, you know" he said and Sergio rolled his eyes.

He didn't think of that before. But he didn't think about it much: just like straight people may like different things, and gays and bisexual people too, he could like or dislike different things than other asexuals. That didn't make him any more or less asexual.

It did surprise Sergio when he started this kissing thing with Raquel, that he liked it a lot, like never before. Maybe he liked kissing; he remembered enjoying that part a couple times before. He was still sure he didn't like sex though. He wasn't worried about it, he knew Raquel didn't want it any time soon either. He was excited because he thought Raquel might be an asexual too, and if she was, then maybe they didn't have to have sex. It was perfect, just kissing was enough.

Or that's what he thought until Raquel started rubbing herself against him and he became more aware of his erections and what his body wanted. It was getting into his head too, he couldn't think of the sex he knew anymore, he could only think of how good that friction was and how he never wanted to stop, it was better and better every time, until once he had to stop her because he felt he was about to come.

He let a loud moan out and stopped her by the hips.

"Stop, stop, stop. Please" he rasped out.

Raquel looked at him, breathing hard too. She started kissing his neck without moving her hips.

"Raquel, please." he was clenching his jaw.

And she stopped immediately. He meant stop everything not just her movements. She got off him and just looked at him. His head back, his eyes closed, his fingers buried on the couch so tight his knuckles whitened.

"Sorry" she whispered, still unable to breath normally.

"Don't. It's okay" and he finally opened his eyes. "I better get going, is late."

He kissed her one last time, hard enough for her to believed he wasn't leaving. She followed his lips a little when he pulled back. "Good night."

Okay, maybe he liked a few other things besides kissing. He was enjoying that a lot and he was sure that if he would’ve come there, it would’ve felt way better than ever before. He masturbated when he got home but it was nothing new, he thought it was because he was doing it to himself and that it would be better with her on top of him.

He never tried that before, the rubbing, the clothes on; maybe he didn't like the part of taking his clothes off. But if they could come with the friction and the clothes on -because even though they never did he was already sure they could-, shouldn't that be called sex too? What the hell was sex anyway? Penetration? The rubbing was better for him than that.

He was confused, he didn't understand anything anymore. He was upset because he felt like a teenager trying to know what he like, because his forties shouldn't be the age to experiment and find out what he liked, he should've known that by now. He knew people did that, find out what they were at an older age, but he didn't want to be one of them, he felt dumb.

If he liked doing that with her, did that mean he wasn't asexual? He read that some asexual people liked sex but not like other people, or had sex once in a while, they experimented sexual arousal but not very often. He wasn't sure if he was like that, he wanted to kiss her all the time nonstop. He knew he had to do some research but he decided not to, he was tired of thinking and getting nowhere. He put a label on himself before turning 30, he spent a little more than 10 years calling himself that, in all those years he did doubt a few times and tried again but always went back to being an undeniable asexual. So he was going to keep being an asexual until he proves himself different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so soft for demisexual Sergio, sorry if you don't like that


	9. Let me adore you.

_September._

Raquel needed to talk to someone about him because otherwise she would go mad. She didn’t understand how did she survive so many years without no one, then she remembered that nothing really important happened in her life for more than three years. She didn't need to talk to anyone because she had nothing to say. She used to talk to the TV, to the characters of the movies she watched, she would laugh, cry, or get mad at them, she yelled at the TV so many times and then forgot about it because none of what she watched was real. She had something to talk about now. She wanted to talk to Sergio but it would be too weird to talk with him about him. She thought how could that be, she could make some kind of deal with him and pretend he wasn't him, or that he wasn't making out with her every night. She was so desperate she started talking alone, she did it a lot of times before but just in her mind, talking to herself out loud was too much.

One morning at work, Raquel was watching videos on her phone when she saw a video of kittens. The moment she finished the video, she googled about cats adoption and got up to get herself one. It took all morning, but at noon she had her little cat at home. She was sure no one noticed her absence at work so she didn't come back for the rest of the day. She stayed at her apartment, sitting on the kitchen floor, playing with her cat. She wanted it to have someone to talk to but once she got it, she couldn't think of anything else that wasn't that beautiful cat, she was in love. They stayed on the floor all day, playing, eating side by side, talking about life. Raquel asked it questions about the life on the pound and nodded pretending it answered.

"Oh, please, I don't want to talk about me, I'm sure your life it much more interesting" she said.

The cat was barely paying any attention to her but she kept acting like it was telling a lot of things. She was officially insane.

At night, she got a shower because Sergio was coming and she was sat on the floor all day. She left the bathroom door open in case the cat wanted to come in.  
  
When Sergio arrived, Raquel forgot about the cat and got completely into the kissing.

Sergio was kissing her neck when he heard a little "mew". He frowned but kept kissing her. When he heard it again, he looked at her.

"What?" Raquel asked.

He thought it could be her but then he heard it again and saw it wasn't her. He looked around.

"Oh, yes, that's my cat. Don't worry, she fine" and she continued kissing him but he was curious now.

"You have a cat?" he asked against her lips.

"Uh-huh" she said without stopping.

"Since when?"

She looked at him. "Since this morning. We are in the middle of something, Sergio."

He grinned. "I want to meet her."

She sighed and went to get the cat.

"This is little Stockholm."

Sergio took her and Raquel saw how he melted in seconds.

"Why Stockholm?"

"Because I kidnapped her and I'm hoping she falls in love with me."

He looked at her quickly.

"I adopted her" she rolled her eyes. "But I'm sure she didn't want that so she's here against her will"

"Why wouldn't she want that?" he laughed, softly stroking the cat.

"Well, it's me."

"I wouldn't mind getting kidnapped by you" he said. "I'm sure she's happy of being your prisoner too, right?" he asked to the cat and then he looked back at Raquel. "She's beautiful."

"I know” she nodded. “Can we go back to our business now?"

"Right" he left the cat on the floor right away. She run away as soon as she could. "Maybe she isn't that happy" he laughed. Raquel went back to kissing him and he forgot about the cat.

Raquel tried to talk to Stockholm after Sergio left but it was useless, the cat wasn't going to respond and what she needed was an advice.

Raquel was ready. She bought condoms, she felt ashamed in that moment and that never happened to her before. She shaved again for the first time in very much time, that part was nice, the first day, then it itched and it was not fun anymore, she wanted to do it just to make it worth it. She always put on some sexy underwear, or at least the “sexiest” underwear she owned. She was ready in case it happens but never felt ready to make it happen. She was frustrated, she was never like that.

She didn’t feel ready for it but for some reason she was feeling better with herself. She raised her eyebrows one morning after washing her face, kind of surprised, she wasn’t looking _that_ bad. She never put too much makeup on, it was embarrassing for her thinking that people would think she was trying too hard and not getting it. She always put just the amount of makeup she needed to look natural but not disgusting like she always felt without it. Sergio saw her without makeup many times before, he would still say that she looked pretty but she didn’t believe that, he was his friend, he _had_ to try making her feel better with herself. But that morning she felt she didn’t look disgusting, she looked like a forty year old woman who wasn’t that bad for her age. She almost went to work without makeup on, but no, even though nobody ever looked at her she wasn’t that brave, she would die if someone saw her like that.

She was feeling great that morning so she obviously had to do something to blaming on that moment of confidence after. She was bored and wasn’t thinking when just fifteen minutes after sitting in her chair, she got up and went straight to her boss’s office. She didn’t knock, she didn’t let him talk. She got in there and started talking, crazy fast, with arguments she wasn’t even sure if made sense. She was just so tired of doing nothing and getting nothing, for the first time in years she felt she deserved better.

Her boss scolded her for not knocking, all the nonstop talking and for making him shush when he tried to say something.

All her braveness vanished as she sat in front of him when he ordered her to do so.

He talked about her past, about all of her mistakes when she was going through all of that. Raquel didn’t know he had all the information, she was ashamed. They talked so much she felt he was a psychiatrist trying to find out if she was ready to do her real job or not. She had been there before, it wasn’t hard. She did lie a little then, and now too, but nothing that would be dangerous.

Raquel left that office thinking that that was too easy to be over. Was he going to tell her that if she wanted to get real work again, she just had to ask? No way.

She understood when, just fifteen minutes later, he told her she could be part of a real case but the inspector on charge wasn’t obligated to actually hear her opinions. He asked her if she still wanted it and she said yes, it was better than nothing. When he sent her with Alicia Sierra, she knew she would be even more invisible than she already was.

For some reason, after being ignored by Alicia all morning, Raquel felt useful. She got to know all about the case by herself and just seeing all of what was going on was already something, it wasn’t like she was expecting to be in charge of anything all of the sudden. She just had to work to be actually useful, she had been through all that already. She was moving forward, though it was by baby steps, she was closer to be who she was, at least the inspector she was.

Raquel was too happy and that was too obvious when she arrived to Hanoi. She kissed Sergio’s cheek and sat in front of him.

“I thought you weren’t coming, I would've waited for you” he said, about to finish his lunch.

He smiled automatically when he saw she was smiling.

“What?”

“I’m on a case, a real case” she said excited.

She knew she shouldn’t be so happy because it was nothing but she couldn't help it. And he looked so happy for her, she couldn't tell him how really was what she was doing.

Suddenly he was more excited than she was and got up to hug her. He never saw her working and still believed in her more than many people ever.

“I can’t stay much longer” he said looking at his watch. “But we have to celebrate and you have to tell me everything about it. So if you are free tonight, we can get dinner at some fancy restaurant or something.”

“If I am free?” she chuckled. “I just told you it isn't a big deal, I’m not getting any extra hours.”

“Great then. See you tonight” he kissed her cheek and he was about to go but came back to hug her once more.

“Go!” she laughed.

“See you.”

Raquel stayed there with the biggest smile on her face. But it didn’t last much.

Everything was great but what if she ruined it? She did that too many times in the past, she ruined her own life, why would it be different now? How much was this happiness going to last? She wasn’t doing anything important at work but she could still ruin it and her boss would think she couldn't do anything else other than paperwork. She and Sergio were… She could ruin that too. She could kill her cat or do something that could annoy her and force her to escape from her. Oh god, she could feel it, she was better than ever, it was obvious that something bad was coming, she couldn't be happy, she was too stupid not to ruin it.

She shook her head. No, she was okay, she didn’t have to ruin anything. It was impossible for her to do anything wrong at work since she didn’t get to decide anything. She and little Stockholm were bonding very well. And Sergio… She knew he could get out of her life at any moment and she accepted that already, if it was her fault it would be just getting ahead of what was going to happen eventually anyway.

Suddenly she realized why she couldn't have sex with him, she was scared he would disappear after that. She was delaying it because after that he might not want her anymore. Now she was anxious. The uncertainty, felt like being repeatedly beaten on the floor, not knowing if she was going to survive or not, but just less painful. Was he going to disappear after that or not? Did he already know what he was going to do or was he waiting to try it first? Then she remembered he could leave at any moment, it could be after sleeping with her, it could be months after sleeping with her, he could delete her number at that exact moment and just never call her again. Then she thought, that wasn't him. No, she didn't entirely know him, but he couldn't be like that, could he? She couldn't be so blind again, she should've seen something by now if he wasn't what he was with her. No, that wasn't Sergio. Yes, he could still leave, but he would at least tell her before doing it.

She was afraid of him leaving but at the same time she would totally get it, she would run away from herself if she could. If he was there was because he wanted so she would let him be in her life for as long as he wished, and she would still be grateful after he left, he already gave her so many good moments when she wasn’t supposed to have any.

Raquel knew her happy days wouldn't last forever, so she was going to enjoy them while she could.

  
  


That night Sergio picked her up just in time and Raquel complained, all the way to the restaurant, about him picking her up when she could’ve got to the restaurant by herself. He was acting like she got a big promotion, telling everyone she was on a case as if they knew what that meant, and she was so embarrassed, she told him to stop many times and after a while she understood he was doing it on purpose because he knew how it embarrassed her and he was clearly enjoying that. So she stopped asking him to stop and he stopped. He continued treating her like she got a promotion though, he told her to order whatever she liked because he was paying and instead of wine, he ordered champagne.

“You really have to get so bored on your daily life for this to excite you” she shook her head.

Sergio grinned. “Can’t I just be happy for my friend?”

“It is nothing, you’re making such a big deal of it” she hid her face, she couldn't look at him.

“Now it isn’t, but baby steps, right?”

They brought the champagne and he filled her glass with a big smile on his face.

“I honestly hope your wallet to hurt after tonight” she drank, refusing to toast.

Sergio didn’t drink much because he was driving and Raquel didn’t want to get drunk alone. She did take the bottle to take it home tough.

“Are you serious?” he asked, looking around to make sure no one was looking at them.

“What? You paid for the whole bottle” she shrugged. “Oh, you are embarrassed now?”

He put a hand on her back and took her out of there so quickly that it looked like they were leaving without paying.

In the car, none of them talked at any moment. Sergio didn’t seem to be thinking anything but Raquel was getting more and more nervous with the minutes, she drank a little from the bottle a couple of times. She looked at him, so relaxed, she thought he might be drunk. She asked him, wishing he to say yes, but he wasn’t.

When they arrived, he walked her to her door. It was late, they already used all their time of the night.

Raquel opened the door, took two steps in and looked at him. Sergio got in to kiss her cheek but didn’t say good night, he was waiting for her to say it. She didn’t say good night, she kissed his cheek and ran her lips through it, all the way to his lips.

She kissed him for a moment and then just walked to her room without saying a word. She waited for him in there, afraid of him not coming.

Sergio froze at her doorway for a moment, he couldn't breathe, he was panicking. He closed his eyes and breathed in and out, slowly. He wasn't sure if he wanted do to it, he was scared, he didn't want to disappoint her. Then he calmed; she was her friend, not some stranger. She got him, everything was better with her, _he_ was better with her in every way. He breathed in and out again, and walked to the bedroom.

She was waiting there, standing next to the bed. It was dark, the only light coming from the living room, but he could see that she already took off her blazer and her shoes. He thought of turning on the light but knew that if she didn't do it was because she didn't want it. It was better that way, they both would feel less intimidated. He approached her and stood one step away.

Raquel started unbuttoning her shirt, slowly, looking at him so he knew he could stop her at any moment if he wanted. When she finished with the buttons, her shirt was opened and he was able to see her bra. He felt like a virgin seen a women's underwear for the first time. She took the shirt off her shoulders and let it fell to the floor. She was already breathing fast, and trying not to tremble.

Sergio took off his vest and left it on the foot of the bed, took off his tie and couldn't continue because he saw her struggling to take off her bra.

Raquel felt her cheeks warm; it wasn't the moment to struggle to take off her bra. She saw he was smiling and sighed, with a little smile too. She turned around and he unhooked it, she let it fell to the floor too. She was too nervous to turn around so she unbuttoned her pants and took it off before. When her panties where the only thing she had left on, she took a deep breath and turned around. She saw that he swallowed hard and kept looking at her eyes, why didn't he want to look at her? Without thinking, she cut the distance and started unbuttoning his shirt. Two buttons off and she stopped to look at him, she didn't even ask before doing that. He stroked her hands and helped her with the rest of the buttons. She ran a hand through his bare chest and felt how hard his heart was beating, her heart skipped a beat. Sergio took off his shirt and quickly continued with his belt, he wanted to be done with the undressing part already.

Raquel laid down on the bed and he took of his pants faster than ever. Finally, he settled himself on top of her and started kissing her, he wanted to stop thinking. She wanted the same, she was feeling so nervous until he kissed her. Before, she thought she would panic by being naked under him but now she was _almost_ naked under him and she stopped thinking. She totally stopped thinking, her mind was totally empty, the only thing that existed for her in that moment was Sergio, his hands touching her, his lips kissing her. She was with him, she was entirely with him: body, mind, soul.

They kissed for a long time but if they were asked, it was only five minutes, it was not enough, never enough. Soon, they were kissing like they always did, with the entire body. Raquel felt him hard between her legs, with only their underwear in the way, just that made her feel she could explode. His body was warm, hers was too. She had her legs around him and he was rubbing himself against her; it was different without their clothes on, much more intimate. She wanted to feel him completely so, she stroked his back, from his neck all the way down to the line of his underwear. She tested the waters, sliding a single finger first. She didn't have to do anything, Sergio took it off himself. She smiled during the kiss while he shook his foot to finish getting it out. She had to do the same, she started taking off her panties but he had to get on his knees and help her, slowly stroking her legs all the way. He looked at her for a second, she wasn't very scared because there wasn't much light and he didn’t have his glasses on. Still, he was looking at her for too much time so she pulled him close with a hand on the back of his neck and continued kissing him.

Sergio started kissing her neck for the second time of the night but stopped when he felt she had her fingers twined in his hair, tenderly caressing him. He gave her a last kiss and just rested there, lying on top of her, breathing against her cheek, slowly running a finger through her neck to her shoulder.

Raquel hugged him, her eyes closed, just enjoying the closeness. She was naked, he was naked, he was _on top of her_ and still, she felt safe.

"Want to call it a night?" Sergio asked, quietly.

"No" she responded the same way. "You?"

"No" he looked up and she opened her eyes to look at him. "We don't have to do anything."

"I know that. Do _you_ know that?"

He nodded, stroking her cheek. His heart was so full.

"You're beautiful" he whispered.

"You can't even see."

"You _are_ beautiful and I don't need to totally see you to know that you _look_ beautiful."

"You too" she kissed him shortly on the lips and stroked his cheek.

He kissed her again and they kept kissing like that for a while, softly. They didn't want to rush anything.

Finally, Sergio looked at her and she nodded. He got up to get the condom from his wallet and quickly got back in bed. He didn't notice she was looking at him the whole time, well he noticed, but he didn't mind, he wasn't ashamed of it. He was on his knees between her legs, naked, and felt fine. But he was nervous and Raquel noticed it when he struggled to open the condom wrapper.

"Are you nervous?" she asked, a little smile on her face. It was sweet that he was nervous.

He chuckled. “A little.”

"Me too" and they both laughed. "It's okay, relax" she said and he finally got it.

He struggled to put it on too and she just caressed his wrists all the time, making sure he didn't rush because that would make it more difficult.

Sergio didn't know if he should tell her that it was his first time in years, he didn't think it was necessary but he wanted to tell her just so she knew in case he messed up, as an early apology. But if he told her that, then she would be expecting him to mess it up and he didn't want that either. Finally, he didn't say anything.

"You know we don't have to do this if you don't want to.”

"I want to do it. Do you?"

Oh, if she wanted to, he wanted to.

"I want to do it."

"Great then."

He touched her. She sighed and closed her eyes; her heart was about to jump out of her chest at that point.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

He knew she was ready, he was feeling it with his fingers, but he wanted to know if _she_ was ready. Just like when he began to get hard every time they kissed; his body reacted then but he didn't want it from the beginning.

Raquel nodded.

"Words, please."

She smiled. "Yes."

Sergio guided himself to her and slowly entered her.

Her mouth opened but not a sound came out as she breathed in. Her eyes closed, she held her breathe. Then she felt his breath against her ear and she allowed herself to breathe out.

He was on top of her, _inside_ her, and it felt good, she wanted to cry. She stroked his back as she softly kissed his cheek. He kissed hers back and looked up when he felt her tears on his lips.

"Are you okay?" he asked, worried.

"Yes, just... Go slowly, please. It's been a while"

"Of course. However you feel comfortable" he kissed her lips and whispered against her mouth: "However you like it."

"You can move" she smiled.

He stared at her as he first started moving, he wanted to make sure she was okay and enjoying it.

"Is it okay like this?"

"Oh, yes."

Oh, he had to stop himself from coming right that moment. He couldn't believe how good it felt, he thought he was dreaming, it was impossible for something like sex to feel so good, that wasn't how he remembered it at all.

Raquel bit her lip not to make any noise, but then he rested his forehead on hers, groaning, and it was too much for her to handle. She felt his breath against her mouth as he breathed faster and she lifted her knees at her sides for him to get in deeper. They were moaning and groaning against each other's lips, yet without kissing, and she opened her eyes with the need to see him. She felt ten feet tall; he was enjoying it as much as her if not more, and seeing the pleasure in his face just increased hers. Oh, she was dying to see him come, she weirdly wanted his orgasm more than her own, it was like if he came then she would do it too.

Sergio wanted it to last, it was too good to be over so soon. He held it for as long as he could, his entirety body tensed, his eyes tightly closed, he was trying to breathe. But then Raquel kissed his neck and whispered something in his ear, he couldn't even tell what it was but it broke him and he came with a deep moan.

Raquel rapidly looked at him. Oh, it was so hot that she felt so close, but she just knew it wasn't going to happen so just enjoyed the feeling of being right over the edge, and mostly, enjoyed the sight of him, enjoyed knowing she was making him feel like that.

Sergio let himself fell over her and stayed like that for a moment, processing what just happened, trying to come back because he was almost sure he left his body for a while there. He was feeling a lot of new things and tried not to try understanding them just now, he didn't want to ruin the moment with thoughts. She was so amazing. He just experienced sex, real sex, good sex, for the first time in his life and he wanted to cry because it took him 40 years, he spent 40 years without that feeling. He lifted his head and kissed her shortly, then leaned his forehead against hers. She was so amazing.

He felt Raquel scratching her fingers through his beard, and opened his eyes to find hers, tenderly looking at him.

"God, I’m so sorry" he apologized immediately, realizing what he just did. “It’s been a while for me too.”

"It's okay, it's okay" she didn't let him pull himself away when he tried to, putting an arm around his neck, other on his back, and kissed him.

He wanted to stay right there, just like that, forever.

"I have to take it off..."

"Oh, right" she let him go.

"Is just a second" he said as he got up.

She watched him disappear into the bathroom for a moment and came back right away. She wanted him to never put-on clothes again.

Back from the bathroom, Sergio laid on top of her, in their previous position, and they kissed again for a bit. Then he moved his kisses to her neck and she felt he didn’t take his time as usual, the kisses were immediately going lower. She let out a startled moan when he started sucking her nipple. Her entire body shivered; she was sure her body was exaggerating though.

"Do you want to do it again?"

He didn't answer, he was busy.

"If not, you can go home if you want."

"Do you want me to go?"

"I want you to do whatever you want."

"I want to continue with this" and he came back to sucking her nipple.

Her hips moved toward him involuntarily. She was already too excited, that was what was going on, her body wouldn't calm until she came. But if he didn't go, she wasn’t going to be able to masturbate. She didn't want him to go, she wanted to make him come again, she wanted to make him feel good. She had a feeling that that wouldn't be too hard though, he looked pretty satisfied.

When he left her nipples alone, he did it reluctantly. She wanted to tell him that he could stay there for as long as he wanted but she understood why he moved from there when he started kissing even lower.

"Oh, no, please. You don't have to do that" she rapidly said.

She knew that wasn't going to give _him_ pleasure, though didn't understand why he looked upset of leaving her nipples when that didn't give him any pleasure either.

"I want to" he didn't stop his kisses until he was settled between her spread legs. "Unless you don't want to" he looked at her.

Oh, she wanted to, seeing him there just made her wanted it even more.

She ran her fingers through his beard as she bit her lower lip. "I want to, I just don't want you to do anything you don't feel like doing."

He smiled. "Please stop me if I'm doing it wrong. And _please_ , don't worry about my ego, I care more about you than that."

And it was her turn of smiling.

He kissed the inside of her thighs and lightly bit her too. She was still smiling to him when he looked up, but her smile disappeared as she breathed faster, he really liked to create suspense. He held her gaze all the time as he lowered his head and pressed his mouth against her. Raquel closed her eyes, she couldn't look at him anymore. He was so soft and gentle, she wanted to cry again.

"A little faster, please" she asked and he obeyed her. "Yes, just like that."

She wanted to only focus on what she was feeling, but it was _him_. She opened her eyes and she raised herself up on her elbows to look at him, yes, that was so much better. She bit her lip. He was fully focus on it, he seemed to enjoy it. She sighed and her eyes automatically closed, but she wanted to look at him.

"Faster" she asked, breathing hard. "Please", she felt she needed to add even though he obliged her as soon as she asked and that wasn’t necessary.

She threw her head back and moaned. She couldn't stay on her elbows for much longer so she sat and leaned on her hands instead. He moved his hands from the inside of her thighs where he was pressing to keep her wide open, to grab her legs and pass them over his shoulders so he could reach out a hand and shortly stroke her lower back, then moved to her breast and pinched a nipple. She griped the sheets, bit her lip, and tightly closed her eyes as she felt her legs began trembling. Finally, she cried out and grabbed his hair with both hands as a way of asking him not to stop just yet. Her legs tightly closed with his head still between them, her abdomen tightened as her entire body shivered. After a few long seconds of pure ecstasy, she let out a last sigh and fell back on the mattress.

She felt sleepy and couldn't tell if she actually fell asleep but he was by her side when she lazily opened her eyes again. That was... oh, she couldn't even think yet. She started at him, still catching her breath, he was nervously waiting for her to talk.

She sighed. "I can't even look at you right now" she got up.

"What?" he asked worried as he saw her slowly going to the bathroom.

Her legs felt like jelly and she was still a little dizzy.

"'Stop me if I'm doing it wrong'?"

He sighed with relief.

"You knew exactly what you were doing."

He laughed. “Well, I’m glad.”

Sergio have done that before, almost every time he slept with someone, but always because he felt guilty and not because he actually wanted. He didn’t really know why did he do it with Raquel, but both enjoyed it so it couldn't be wrong.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked when she wasn’t coming back.

“It’s been only a minute. And I said I didn’t want to look at you.”

Raquel was about to get out when she saw herself in the mirror. She was a mess, so she fixed that a little and then she came out.

She laid on her side and he mirrored her. Sergio reached to her and kissed her softly on the lips. She smiled when after that, he rubbed his nose with hers. They looked at each other in silence for a moment.

"You are so amazing" he finally said.

She chuckled. "Well you, my friend, are even more amazing."

"That's impossible, but thanks."

She rolled her eyes. He kissed her again, harder this time. She put a hand on the back of his neck and when he felt her fingernails on his skin, he pulled her closer, pressing her against him.

“That was fast” she said when she felt he was hard again.

She passed a leg over his hip and started moving against him.

They didn’t need much time of foreplay that second time. She took the condom from her bedside table, he put it on and they got straight to it in that exact same position.

It was different. After a few minutes of being on their sides, was Raquel who got on top. She forgot how good was being able to be herself during sex, though she was still mainly focused on him, he seemed pretty turned on by her taking control and that was what made her feel safe to be herself. Sergio didn’t think it could be better than the first time, but then he was able to see her come, to _feel_ her come, and it was incredibly better.

  
  


"I’m too tired to go now. Can I spend the night?" he murmured

"Since when do you ask?" she murmured back, with her eyes already closed.

He chuckled. "Can I sleep here with you? I promise is just for tonight."

"You can if you don't mind Stockholm demanding half of the bed, she's very strict with her personal space at night time as you can see" she pointed to some scratches she had.

"I don't mind. And we ignored her for too much time now, she deserve half of the bed"

"Okay, stay with us then."  
  
Stockholm did literally take half of the bed so he was sharing the other side with her, after putting some pillows separating them from the cat, so no one would receive any scratches for crossing forbidden territory. She was right over the edge, wanting him to take as much space as he wanted.

"Never thought that sharing the bed with two girls with be like this" they laughed. "Want me to take that place so I am the one that falls off in case someone has to?"

She smiled. "I won't fall, don't worry."

Sergio pulled her close, grabbed her leg and passed it over his, her arm over his shoulder, then he put an arm around her waist to prevent her from falling.

Finally, he kissed her forehead. "Good night, Raquel."

"Good night, Sergio."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, as always, for the kudos and comments!


	10. You didn't mean to say "I love you."

Raquel turned off her alarm but didn't want to open her eyes. She knew she was alone, she didn't feel it different than every other morning. She turned around and looked the emptiness of the rest of the bed. It wasn't totally empty, at least Stockholm was there.

Raquel tried to touch her but she got off the bed immediately.

"Yeah, I know you liked him better, but you're stuck with me" she told her, seeing she was scratching the door, wanting to get out. "I'm sorry, I understand" she apologized right away. "I'm still not letting you out yet."

Raquel took a deep breath, looking at the ceiling. What did she do? She knew he could leave after sleeping with her and she did just that, she slept with him. She knew it was for the best, rip off the band aid as soon as she could, but it hurt.

She breathed in and out, and got up, determined to cry about it later.

She showered, thinking if she should violently rub a sponge against her skin or not. She almost cried at the thought of not smelling like him ever again. She knew it was for the best, take him out of her system as soon as she could, but it hurt.

Once she got out of the shower, she accidentally saw herself in the mirror of the bathroom and closed her eyes as if it hurt. How did she get to have sex the night before? Sergio must have been desperate. She actually believed that, but then she thought that that might be his thing. She saw how he was around people, all shy and nervous, he probably looked for women who were insecure, even shy like him, he probably felt better around them and that's why he was so comfortable with her. He got to be the good-looking and smart friend while she was the ugly and not even that funny friend. Wow, it was incredible how she just realized that, after he left. She really was blind, and dumb, and very ugly; that had nothing to do with anything, but it was always good to remember it.

She still loved him though, she would still let him use her as much as he wished.

Fuck, it hurt.

She knew she had to dress but she couldn't look for clothes because she knew she would feel disgusting with whatever she wears, she didn't want to look at herself in the mirror to check if she looked decent to go out, she didn't want to look in the mirror to do her makeup, she couldn't do any of that today. She was standing in her room, in front of her mirror turned, trying to find the strength to turn it around.

She hated to feel, she preferred nothingness before pain. When she felt nothing, she didn't care about waking up alone, about being ugly, about existing. With nothingness she was like a robot, waiting for its battery to run out. With feelings, she was this ridiculous lonely woman, who hated herself so much to the point where even death was way too good for her.

Her entire body was shaking, the tears were coming out of her eyes with no control. She did that to herself, she did it again, she was so stupid. She wanted to hurt herself even more, she wanted to turn the mirror around and punch it with her face while she still looked at her reflection in broken the glass. She could feel a hand on the back of her neck, trying to push her to it, a voice in her head telling her she was nothing.

But she finally moved, not to the mirror but to the door, she had to go to work. She thought she would be brave enough to get ready after a coffee.

She opened the door and Stockholm ran away from her. What was a little salt on the wound? Sadly, it won't kill her.

She was walking to the kitchen, wiping away the tears, when she saw him. He saw her too.

"What is it?" he walked to her quickly and she hugged him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck.

She made a big effort to stop herself from crying again and kissed him before he could ask anything else.

"Raquel, are you okay?" he tried to ask when she started stroking him over his pants.

"I want you to fuck me, please" she quickly undid his pants and put her hand inside it to grab him.

That was working, but she didn't know if it was the 'fuck me' or the 'please'.

"Please, I'm begging you. Please, fuck me."

Sergio pushed her to the bedroom. When she was on the bed, he untied the belt of her robe and opened it to see her. She got his pants and underwear down and wrapped her hand around him.

"Fuck me, please" she wanted to please him, she was going to say both things until she found out what was it that turned him on so much, and then she would repeat it nonstop until he was done with her.

"I don’t have any more condoms" he said hoarsely, looking at her hand touching him.

"I don't either."

She knew she would regret practicing with the other two condoms before, she didn't even have to put it on him in any of the two times they did it.

"It's okay, you can pull out or I can take the emergency pill after. And I'm clean, you don't have to worry" she guided him to her.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

She didn't know if he meant if she was sure about doing it without a condom or sure about being clean, but it was the same answer anyway.

"Yes. Fuck me now, please" and she moaned as he entered her.

"I'm clean too, by the way" he said while he started moving in and out of her.

Oh, he was actually sweet, but she didn't care about herself enough to care about that.

"Harder, please."

She strongly bit her lip to stay quiet. It hurt a little because she wasn't wet enough, but it wasn't about her, it was about him; he was still there. It did work seeing him to get herself turned on, soon she started enjoying it too. But it was too late, he was about to come. She touched herself, trying to come with him, but then he pulled out and masturbated until he came, all over her belly and hand. It was so hot she actually couldn't tell if her orgasm was fake or real.

"That was amazing" he said, lying next to her.

Their breath was the only noise in the whole apartment

"Yeah" she looked at him. "Can we do it again sometime?"

"You want to do it again?" he looked at her.

"Yes, as long as you want to."

"Oh, we can do it every day if it's up to me."

She smiled. She would make sure of maintain him very pleased.

"Are you okay?"

"Oh, yes. I'm just sensitive and cry for no reason sometimes, that's all."

"I understand"

"You do?"

"I cried while I had breakfast because I wanted to eat with you but I was hungry and I didn't want to wake you up before your alarm because I know that annoys you."

She chuckled. "Did you actually cry?"

He grimaced. "Not really, but I felt like doing it."

"The important thing is... Did you make breakfast for me?" she raised an eyebrow, with a little smile.

She didn’t know if she was hungry or if she just wanted to eat with him.

"Of course. But I think we should clean first" he looked at her belly and had to look away.

He was unbelievable, he felt like a horny teenager and that never happened to him.

  
  


Sergio was surprised by how good he felt when he woke up. He smiled to one asleep Raquel for a few minutes, then he stopped because he felt like a psychopath.

He was hungrier than he had ever been, and sensitive too, he didn't understand why was he being so weird about eating without her. Not to think about that, he thought about the night before. He felt all those things he didn't understand; strangely, he didn't want to understand. It was a waste of time to try understand things like feelings, he was never good at it. He spent ten years thinking he was asexual for God sake.

About sex he was actually curious. Did he get it all wrong before? Was he exaggerating when he said he didn't like it? Did he actually dislike it before? Did he dislike it and started liking it now?

Whatever it was, he was ready to sleep around and enjoy it, he wanted to be a hoe just like his brother. Just not yet, it would be weird sleeping with a bunch of strangers while he was sleeping with Raquel. Plus he had this crush thing that made him think she was the prettiest woman on earth and he wouldn't be able to look at other women without comparing them with her, and comparing women with other women wasn't okay. No, he was going to wait until he was over his crush; if they were lucky, he would do that before Raquel got bored of him.

She was so cool, sleeping with her friend and not demanding any kind of committed relationship. He would marry her if she wanted though.

_Marry her? What the fuck._

He shook his head and focused on eating the most delicious eggs he ever tasted.

The food tasted better, the colors were brighter, the air was easier to breathe; he was like a teenage boy who just lost his virginity and was happy to be alive.

*

  
_October._

That little crisis Raquel went through when she woke up alone, never happened again although she kept waking up alone. It was different because he went home after saying “See you tomorrow” or he slept on the couch and they had breakfast together in the morning. It was better when she stayed at his place because there, she was a hundred percent sure no one was running away. She knew him, a part of her still doubted but she knew him, she knew he cared about her, maybe just as a friend but she didn’t care, he cared about her and that was all that matter.

The sex continued being wonderful. It was amazing for both of them, how they could communicate with their eyes. They knew when they were going to have sex and when they were just friends. They actually never stopped being friends; yes, it was something they didn't do like Sergio and Raquel but they were still them, they still cared about each other. It was rare, it was like Sergio and Raquel were the ones being friends but then there were this two people who just _were_ together, they just _existed_ together, as if they were just one person. It was just inexplicably.

Raquel was sure she _never_ loved sex that much, and she was almost sure he wasn't the best she ever had. Well, he was the best, he wasn't the best but he was. It wasn't just him, it was the moment. She never connected with anyone the way she did with him. She knew he knew how much she liked it when they were in bed but he still asked every time "Is this okay?" and after she responded he continued asking "Is it good? Do you like it?” or just “Do you like it like this?" She knew that, contrary to other men who asked just because they really liked to hear it, he asked because he cared and wanted to make sure she was enjoying it. But he was a man after all and she was able to literally see how the worry would leave his body and the man would just be hornier by her answer. She loved it though, how he was so turned on by her pleasure. She asked him too, she didn't need it either but it was _so_ _hot_. It was the most incredible thing in the world how they cared so much about each other's pleasure that they would get hornier by the other's care and horniness. That way they just got hot and hotter until they exploded of ecstasy every time.

They only talked about it in bed. One thing Sergio had to add to his mental list of things he liked, was pillow talks. They talked about a lot of things: they got deep, they got dumb, they told embarrassing secrets, they said things they thought would never say out loud, bad or questionable thoughts they sometimes had. They never judged, it was a safe place. They talked freely about sex, not about them having sex but about sex. They were one after all.

He wanted to know the things she liked and the things she didn’t, so he had to start if he wanted her to talk. They did that, they answered their own questions first so the other felt safe to answer too.

The only thing he said he didn’t like, he actually clarified that he didn’t dislike, he just felt uncomfortable with it. When she touched his ass very close to _that_ zone. She was divided between rolling her eyes and a laugh, but she didn’t do any.

“Why do you feel uncomfortable with it?”

“I don’t know, it’s weird.”

“Why?”

“Because no one should get anywhere near there” he shook his head.

She smiled. “I’m pretty sure you touched me there before, more than once.”

“You didn’t like it?” he asked, concerned.

“I never said that. I said you touched me there, so why is it wrong if I touch you there?”

He frowned.

“Is okay if you don’t like it, but if you do like it, why shouldn't I do it? I want to do the things you like.”

“You don’t think is weird?”

“Why would it be weird?”

He just had to give her a face for her to understand. She knew it.

“You know, many straight men like it, many manly men like it. It has nothing to do with any of that, if you like it than it can’t be wrong.”

“I never said I like it” he rapidly said.

She laughed. “I never thought you were that kind of guy.”

Sergio covered his face with a pillow. He didn’t want to be that guy, he just wanted to be the kind of guy he thought she liked, the kind of guy he thought all straight women liked. A man.

“Won’t you think I’m weird or something, if I let you do that?” he asked, his voice muffled by the pillow.

“Never” she took away his pillow and gave him a kiss. “I like it when you enjoy things freely, so I will never think that any of the things you like make you weird.”

He was blushing. Her heart was beating fast because she loved when he was blushed.

“Your turn” he said, wanting her to stop paying attention to him.

“I like everything you do.”

It was true, but she didn’t want him to make him insecure with anything else, she didn’t want him to stop wanting her.

“Let’s suppose I believe you. Something I never did that you never want me to do?”

He was honest, she had to be too. She took a deep breath.

“Let me control my own breathing” she murmured.

“Okay” he frowned. “Please, tell me if I don’t let you, and know in advance that it isn’t on purpose.”

She smiled and nodded.

“Something else?”

He was literally perfect for her. He put her pleasure before his and that was perfect because she put his pleasure before hers; they both gave, and that meant they both received.

With that on mind, she felt free to tell him a bunch of things she didn’t like.

“I’m sorry, but I have to say…” he started and she stopped breathing. “Your previous sexual partners were horrible if they did any of that even once.”

She laughed.

“Well, I just told you the things I don’t like, but there’s a lot more that they did that I do like, and many of those things you never did to me.”

“I’m listening.”

  
  


*

Raquel discovered one thing about him, a way of knowing how horny he was without asking or actually seeing it: if he was normal horny, he would put his clothes on the chair next to the bed, if he was extra horny, he would throw his things everywhere without thinking.

She observed him when he got up to get a condom. He threw his wallet away when he didn’t find any there, he let his pants fell back the floor when he didn’t find any on his pockets either. She saw he was getting mad when he looked into his wallet again.

"There are some in the drawer" she pointed at the bedside table.

"Couldn't you say that before?" he quickly searched for it.

She chuckled. "Sorry."

She stared at him while he put it on, she loved to see that for some reason.

He settled himself over her. "Sorry for forgetting to bring one."

"It's okay" she pushed him aside to get herself on top.

She knew what she was doing to him, she wanted him to literally explode inside her.

  
  


After, they stayed there, looking at the ceiling for a while.

"I think it would be better if I start just taking the pill. What do you think?"

"I don't know, that's your decision. I don't mind using condoms, really. I wouldn't want you to suffer the side effects of the pill when I can just use a condom."

"It's not that bad, it won't affect me" she assured. "I don't mind taking it and we wouldn't have to be getting condoms all the time."

He nodded. "Like I said, it's your decision"

"I will get on the pill" she decided. "We just... we will have to be careful. I don't need you to give me any details but I will appreciate that you tell me if you don't use a condom with someone else. Or you don't have to tell me, just use a condom with me after that."

"Don't worry, I don't think I will be sleeping with anyone else any time soon" he said. "But that rule is for both of us I hope."

"Of course. I would never do that to you" she smiled. "But just so you know and don't worry, I'm not sleeping with anyone else any time soon either."

  
  


*

  
  


Stockholm always got into the bed during their sexy times, as if she was curious. They always ignored her because she left after a few seconds, Raquel knew the cat found them weird and got scared every time.

But once, she got there before they actually started the action. They were already naked but just kissing, they weren’t hurried. So, Stockholm didn’t get scared, she didn’t find them weird when they did that, it looked cozy and she always got in the mood for cuddles when she saw them hugging and kissing. She would get over the back of whoever was on top, or would get in the middle of them if they were on their sides. She would get their love and attention for a few minutes and then she would leave, very satisfied. This time was different. Raquel softly pushed her away with one hand, not bothering on stopping the kissing for one second. Sergio pushed her away too, when she was clearly trying to climb on his back. They thought the cat left but they forgot she was very persevering.

The kisses were getting hotter with the seconds, but suddenly Sergio got up.

“She licked my ass!” he started screaming, the same thing, over and over.

Raquel didn’t understand anything, until she saw Stockholm getting out of the room. She started laughing.

“Why are you laughing? Aren’t you disgusted?” he said, strongly rubbing his ass as a way of cleaning where the cat licked.

“She licks your entire face all the time, what’s the big deal?”

“It’s different, it was my ass this time” he said scandalized.

“Want me to kiss that spot so you have something better to remember?”

He thought about it for a bit. “No!”

Raquel started laughing again.

“Why not? You did it to me, I think it would be fair”

“Stop laughing at me, it is not funny, is disgusting.”

Raquel didn’t listen to him, she continued laughing, louder every second. He was starting to find it funny too, just because she was laughing and he loved to hear her laugh.

“’She licked my ass! She licked my ass!’” she repeated, already crying of laughter. “You are so- I love you so much” she wriggled with a hand on her belly.

He laughed. “You know what? You laugh all you want. I’m taking a shower, I feel disgusted.”

“Can I join you?” she wiped away the tears, still laughing a bit.

“Sure, but we’re not doing it in the shower, we could fall and die.”

She rolled her eyes. “What would be the point of showering together if we’re not doing it?”

“To shower? Not to waste water?”

“So boring!”

But then she got up and got in the shower with him.

“I thought you weren’t coming since we’re not doing it” he was rubbing the soap on his butt.

“Oh, we are doing it. I’m just going to stand here, naked, until you can’t control yourself” she said with a smile.

Raquel was faking her confidence, of course she was, she stopped being that woman ages ago. But fake it till you make it, or fake it till you get what you want at least. She almost touched the real confidence every time she was with him, she actually started trying because she saw the effect it had on him, she knew people liked confidence.

“You are so wrong. You laughed at me when your cat practically assaulted me.”

She rolled her eyes and she stayed there, against the wall, looking at him. Sergio couldn't get his eyes off her; he knew she knew that and she was clearly taking advantage of it.

He stared at her while he finished showering, his erection growing until he was rock hard. He took a towel and dried himself quickly, then grabbed her by the hand and took her out of the shower where she still was, still looking at him.

He fucked her on the sink, she wanted to do it in the bathroom after all.

And she managed to get him in the shower with her a couple of days later.

*

Sergio said it first actually, two times before she said it.

The first time, he was talking about how pretty her name was and how well it suited her, amazed by that realization. She was raising an eyebrow as he talked, so serious. He started repeating her name over and over just because he said he enjoyed saying it. It was when he was leaving that he said it.

"Goodbye, Raquel" he kissed her left cheek. "Goodnight, Raquel" kissed her right cheek. "I love you, Raquel" kissed her left cheek again. "Take care of yourself, Raquel" the right one. "See you tomorrow, Raquel" the left one. "Raquel, Raquel, Raquel" gave her three kisses on her right cheek as he said that.

She laughed. He left.

It was when she was trying to sleep that she realized and her eyes widened. She thought he didn’t mean it that time, that he said it just because, the way people just say those words to anyone for anything nowadays. She didn’t think it much, she just forgot about it.

But then he said it again.

  
  


She was on his lap with her legs around him, they hugged after they finished. He gave her a last little kiss on the neck and feel asleep there, breathing her. Raquel didn’t move, just held him; a hand on his neck and the other on his back, lightly stocking him with her fingers, her cheek resting on his head and her eyes were closed. It was so peaceful and it felt so safe. Raquel couldn't say how long they were like that, if depended on her they would've stayed like that forever.

But Sergio woke up.

He looked up to her, confused.

“Hey”, she whispered and smiled to him.

He stared at her for a few seconds, trying to figure if he was dreaming or she was actually there.

“You look like an angel” he murmured.

She chuckled.

“And apparently you’re still asleep” she rubbed her nose against his.

He sighed and looked at his watch. “3am. I’ve been asleep for almost 5 hours, why didn’t you wake me up? You must feel uncomfortable for being in this position for so long.”

“Well, you said you haven’t been sleeping well and now you looked so comfortable I couldn’t wake you up.”

He smiled at her with a soft look in his eyes. “I love you.”

She couldn't say anything, that caught her completely off guard.

“Now we should move because we are will be sore” he kissed her nose.

She got off him and he got out of bed.

“I can’t feel my ass.”

“Don’t worry, it is there” she said, giving it a good look.

He laughed and shook his head as he picked up his clothes and started dressing.

  
  


She got to the conclusion that it wasn't important. He said it like it was nothing, he clearly didn't care much about it, so why should she? Three words, that was it, it was just words. She held it for so long and then he said it and she didn't have to hold it anymore. The words were out and absolutely nothing changed, because they already loved each other before, saying the words was just putting it out there. She knew he loved her as a friend and would never love her the way she loved him, but again, she didn't care. She didn't care about how he loved her, she cared that he loved her. It was love, different kinds of love but love after all.


	11. People you (used to) know.

_November._

“You know, when you asked me to help you to cook, I thought you meant help _you_ to cook, not that I had to cook for you. It’s your Friday, you should've order something if you weren’t in the mood for cooking” he said setting the table.

“I’m in charge of the music today” she said with her eyes in her phone, though she was playing the music in her computer.

“I don’t even like your music” he teased her.

Raquel looked at him. “Really?”

He nodded.

“Oh, thank God. With your taste, I would've reconsidered mine if you liked my music.”

His mouth dropped. “Now I’m offended.”

She laughed. Just a second after, she sighed loudly and closed her eyes as she reclined in the chair.

“You will know the results tomorrow” he looked at her from where he was cooking.

“I don’t want Alicia to take the credit for it if I was right.”

“Still a bitch?”

“I think she was born that way. She did look at me the other day when I said good morning, I guess she’s evolving” she lifted her phone in the air again, checking if she had enough signal.

He looked at the sauce again, not wanting to look at her when he said: “So you said you gave this guy your number, right?”

“Yes. He promised he will send me the results as soon as he got it, why hasn’t he?” she was about to lose it.

Oh, he was uncomfortable. “What if he thought you gave him your number for something else?”

“Like what?”

He didn’t say anything, just waited for herto get it, and she did it in seconds.

“Oh no, he had a big ring on his finger, he didn’t think that” she shook her head.

Sergio felt like a big weight left his shoulders; he didn’t know if it was because the guy was married or because he just confirmed she didn’t give him her number with that intention. _What do you care?_ he thought to himself.

“Maybe he thought that and that’s the reason why he didn’t send you the results.”

She frowned, thinking about it. “Oh, and I begged him” she cover her face, embarrassed.

He thought the guy must really love his wife not to have called Raquel already. Who could not obey her when she begged? He though it didn’t exist a person strong enough.

He found himself thinking about the times Raquel begged him and shook his head.

“You should've given him your email instead of your number.”

“Wait, maybe I did” she stopped the music in her computer and checked her emails.

“’Maybe?’ You don’t remember? It happened today” he shook his head. When she was quiet for a few long seconds, he asked: “And?”

“My sister is getting married in two weeks” she said.

“What?” he looked at her.

She turned the computer towards him for him to look at the virtual invitation.

“Oh” he nodded and looked back at her. “Is it bad or something? Why do you look surprised?”

“I-” she stared at her computer. “Oh my god, she wrote a whole text, I can’t read it” she got up. “I can’t read it” she said in front of him, very close to him, staring at him.

“Want me to read it?” he asked, knowing that was the reason she was so close.

“Yes, please. Read it, read it” she pointed at it.

“Okay, okay. Can you check the sauce?”

“It’s not going to burn if you to stop stirring it for a second” she took his place and continued for him anyway.

He sat in her chair and started reading. He tried to just say the words without paying attention because he felt invasive but he couldn't, she asked him to read it after all.

Raquel tensed when he said Alberto’s name and almost asked him to stop reading but apparently Laura said nothing about him, nothing Sergio shouldn’t know at least.

“Are you still stirring?” he asked.

Raquel knew he said that because he was uncomfortable and wanted to make it less serious. “I am” she smiled.

Her sister basically said she knew they weren’t talking and they were never really close, but she was her sister and she wanted her there.

“I will be waiting for you until the very last minute, so I guess you have until the day after to think if you want to come” he thought the uncomfortable part ended there, but then he read: “Oh, and I sent you this and not a real invitation because I don’t know where you live.”

He looked at her, still standing with her back at him.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes” she murmured.

Sergio got up and hugged her from behind. She smiled when he gave her a kiss on the neck.

“You haven’t spoken to your sister in four years?”

Raquel shook her head. “I haven’t.”

“I’m guessing this Alberto guy has something to do with it” he felt she tensed in his arms and his heart constricted.

“He’s my ex husband. He started dating her right after our divorce, but I know they saw each other since before that.”

“Well, she isn’t marring him. That’s good, right?” he nuzzled her cheek.

“No, she is just marring my teenage crush.”

He stared at her and she turned her head to look at him, a smile in her face. “Are you serious?”

She nodded, laughing.

“You two have really similar tastes then” he switched off the kitchen stove and made her turn around, didn’t left her waist. “Are you okay?”

“I got over him when I was nineteen, I’m fine” she joked.

He leaned his forehead against hers and looked her in the eyes.

“She’s my sister and I love her” she whispered.

“I know” he whispered back.

He kissed her forehead and hugged her for a couple minutes.

“Did the scientific’s guy send you the results?” he asked and tried to look up at her but she hugged him tighter.

“I didn’t give him my email” she whimpered. “I gave a married stranger my number and begged him to call me, Sergio.”

He tried not to laugh.

While they ate, they talked about whether she should go to the wedding or not. Sergio went with whatever she said, encouraging her, but she changed her mind every two seconds. In the end, she decided not to.

"She won't even notice" she said.

Sergio nodded. "Good, because I didn't want you to go, I want you here with me."

She just laughed. If she wanted to go then he would have said something good about she going too.

She tried not to think about that anymore. But apparently, he continued thinking about it.

The next day, they were laying on opposite sides of the couch, he was getting his foot under her book to get to the other side and prevent her from reading.

She tickled him, he laughed and took his foot away, but he came back every three minutes for more.

"Did I ever tell you about the day of my brother's fourth wedding?"

She put down the book to look at him. "You never talked to me about any of his weddings."

"Well, you know, it was his fourth time and I was tired of it."

"And?"

"We fight, pretty badly, the night before."

She kind of had an idea of what he was trying to say.

"But I showed up, said congratulations and said he looked well, he said thank you and that I looked well too. And that was it, we barely talked but I was there because I knew it was important to him."

She took his legs off her and got up. "You said it is okay if I don't go."

"It is" he said as he sat up. "I just want to make sure you're not deciding not to go for the wrong reason, I don't want you to regret it."

"Look, it's different, okay? You and your brother fought once the night before his wedding. My sister and I haven't spoken to each other in four years."

"She’s your sister."

"Yes, my sister, _my_ sister" she walked to her room and left him there.

Sergio sighed and closed his eyes.

He knew he didn’t know how it was like, he didn’t know anything besides the two things she told him, he didn’t know the whole story, but he saw the look in her face when she decided not to go, he was sure she was going to regret it and he didn’t want that, the thought of her feeling bad about anything made him sick.

He left her alone for a few minutes and then went to her room. Raquel was lying in bed and when she saw him, she turned with her back to him. He didn’t know if roll his eyes of just laugh, she annoyed him and at the same time filled his heart because he thought she was the cutest.

He walked to bed and lied next to her.

He barely got to open his mouth when she said:

“Don’t.”

He frowned and looked at her. How the hell did she know exactly when he was about to say something?

He turned around and got closer to her, brushed her hair out of her neck and started kissing her. She tilted her head.

“Can we talk about it?” he whispered.

She rolled her eyes. “You can’t do that” she said as she took his hand off her waist.

He kissed her neck again.

“Stop!” she started laughing.

“Turn around, please. Look at me.”

She turned around. He put his head close to hers.

“Tell me.”

“I don’t know” she confessed. “Maybe she invited me because she felt she had to, maybe she doesn’t really want me there.”

“Would you have found out if she didn’t invite you?”

She shrugged.

“Then I think she had no reason to do it if she doesn’t want you there” he saw she was thinking about it. “Do you want to go? Do you want to be there?” he looked at her as she remained quiet. “She invited you, you can go if you want, you _should_ go if you want.”

“I’m going to really be nervous” she looked into his eyes, wanting _him_ to bring up the ‘you can bring whoever you want with you’ of the email.

“You’re going to be fine” he wanted to be there and hold her hand but he thought that might be crossing a line. “What are you going to wear?” he asked, just to stop thinking about that.

“I never said I was actually going.”

“Oh, you are dying to go! And now that I know that, I’m forcing you to go.”

She raised her eyebrows and laughed.

“But what do you mean what am I going to wear? What’s wrong with my clothes?” she wanted to make him nervous but that was getting harder with the time, he was comfortable with her.

“Nothing. You dress well, you look amazing with it. But none of that is wedding clothes.”

She chuckled. “Okay, expert. Go find wedding clothes in my closet.”

He seemed excited when he got up and examined her clothes. He wanted to try and see her underwear now, obviously he wasn’t doing it because that wasn’t what she said, but he was curious, would he get nervous like the last time he opened that drawer?

“Why do you look like it’s so fun to see my clothes?” she got up.

“I don’t know, it’s like seeing little pieces of you” he explained. After a few seconds he took out one of her shirts. “You were wearing this the first time I came to dinner” and put it back in its place. “I like how you divide your work clothes from the rest, and everything is divided by color!”

She wouldn’t have let him search between her stuff if everything wasn’t in order.

He smiled. “You were wearing this pants the other day when you-” he was touching the pants with his finger when he stopped talking.

Raquel came closer to see what pants was he talking about. She didn’t remember when was the last time she wore it but apparently, he did.

“When I what?”

“Wedding clothes, right?” he said and kept looking.

She frowned. Now he seemed a little nervous. She preferred not to know, what if it was bad?

Sergio was thinking about how when she used it, they struggled to take it off, so they didn’t completely take it off. And she still managed to do a lot of things with her pants half on.

“Raquel, if you weren’t you, you’d look like a very sad person” he finally stopped his search.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you can pull off anything, but your clothes on its own…”

She tried not to laugh.

“If you don’t like my clothes then I guess you can return that shirt you borrowed from me” she crossed her arms, with a serious face.

“What shirt? Listen” he shook his head and ignored the subject. “You have elegant clothes but they are too serious and clearly something you wear to work. Why don’t you have any dresses?”

“It’s been ages since I’ve wore one” she shrugged. “I miss it though” and sighed.

“Then why don’t you get one for the wedding?”

“I’m not using a dress for the first time in years to my sister's wedding.”

“Why not?” he frowned.

“I want my shirt back” she got serious again.

“You said you miss it, why don’t you wear a dress?”

“Stop trying to change the subject!” she laughed.

“You’re trying to change the subject!”

  
  


*

  
They were nervous and uncomfortable as they entered to the store. Neither of them went shopping very often, so they weren’t used to it and still got nervous every time. They bought the present before and Raquel thought it was already a lot for the day.

“You’ve been postponing this for too long, the wedding is this weekend” he whispered when they were in. "It can’t be that hard."

"You say that because you are not the one who has to talk and try clothes" she glared at him.

"We are adults, you just have to remember that. Come on, you got this"

A girl not older than 25 approached them with a smile in her face.

"How can I help you?”

Sergio slowly took a step back.

 _Coward_ , Raquel thought.

Raquel was doing excellent, until the girl walked her to the fitting room and they were alone.

"I hope you don't mind me asking but I can’t help it" the girl said from the other side of the door.

Raquel waited to see if someone answered that, but when she didn't hear anything, she guessed the girl was talking to her.

"Yes?" she said, still afraid of not being the one she was talking to.

"Is he your boyfriend?"

Raquel sighed and closed her eyes.

She was used to women looking at him, but not to being asked about him. It was the second time in less than a month, for fuck sake. She thought of saying he was her boyfriend; the girl wouldn't ask him if it was true and he would never know. But she couldn't do that, it was his decision what to do with that girl.

"No, he's just a friend" she answered.

She could swear she heard the girl smile, was that possible?

"Is he single? He's so hot."

Raquel wanted to get out and slap that girl’s face, but why? Because she made a question? Because she said something it was true?

"He is single" she said with a fake smile, afraid of the girl knowing she was upset.

"Do you mind if I go talk to him?"

"Why would I?" she felt her heart aching.

"You call me if you need anything."

Raquel heard her heels as she walked away.

Raquel looked at herself in the mirror. She knew she shouldn't compare, that girl was in her twenties, her best time, it wasn't fair to compare herself with her. But she would still be uglier than any woman of her age.

She turned around and there was another mirror. That was a nightmare and suddenly she remembered why she always bought the same items online and why did she only do it when she really needed. She turned to the door and started taking the suit off. She brought Sergio to get his opinion but she didn't need his lies in that moment.

When she got out, she saw they were talking and smiling to each other. She couldn’t tell if he was uncomfortable or not.

"So? Do you like it?" the girl asked her.

She didn’t want to slap her anymore. That girl was the kind of woman who would always be pretty; at her twenties, her forties, her sixties... No one deserved to be slapped for being pretty and worthy of Sergio.

"Yes. I'll take it" she nodded as she forced a smile.

She wanted to cry. The suit was pretty, that wasn't the problem. The problem was her, nothing would look pretty on her because she wasn't pretty.

When they were leaving, the girl said 'goodbye Sergio' and he said goodbye back. Even her name was pretty. Well, anything would sound pretty if it came out of his mouth.

In the car, she was uncomfortable, she wanted to be invisible. He saw her standing next to that girl, she would have vomit if she would've been able to see that. She tried to remember to herself, that friends didn't care about looks. He wasn't his friend because of how she looked, he wouldn't be his friend if he would've cared about that.

She took a deep breath and tried to act normal.

"So...?" she asked.

"So?"

"Do you have a date?" she smiled mockingly.

"What?" he looked at her for a second. "No, I don't. That was you?", said with an upset voice. "Why are you so desperate to pair me with someone?"

"Desperate to pair you with someone?" she frowned. "Is this about the other day in Hanoi? Because I thought we were over it."

"We were but you just did again."

"I'm sorry, okay? It's not my fault that women like you" it was hard enough for her. "They see you with me so they come to ask _me_ if we are friends or something else."

"Are we friends?"

"Yes!"

She thought he asked if they were friends or not, but he was asking if they were friends or _more_.

Sergio had been confused, full of more unknown feelings. He wanted her, all of her all the time, and it started being annoying.

"Well, next time tell them that I'm married, or gay or whatever. I'm not interested on dating anyone."

"Okay. Sorry" she said, feeling like a little girl being scolded.

He was mad, again.

That first time in Hanoi, she went to the restroom and a woman who had been looking at him, followed her. She got in her way when she got out, asked her if they were a couple or if he was single. Raquel encouraged the woman to go ask him out, she even waited there to give them time alone. She didn't know if she was jealous or not, if she was scared or not. She wanted him to be happy and she would give him anything he wanted: if he wanted to sleep with other women at the same time he slept with her, she won't complain; if he wanted to start a relationship with that girl, she would stop sleeping with him, or continue if that was what he wanted.

She thought she was doing something nice when she told the woman to go talk to him, but when he found out it was her who practically sent her, he got mad. What did she expect? She cried for two entire hours when she got home, thinking he hated her. Then he came and had sex with her as if nothing happened. She asked him about it after, maybe she thought wrong and he wasn't mad. He said he wasn't, it bothered him but it wasn't a big deal.

"I'm sorry too" he said, realizing that their tone wasn't very nice.

"It's okay."

They didn’t talk at all in the rest of the way to her apartment and Sergio took her to the bedroom as soon as they arrived. He hated when they fought like that, he hated to feel away from her.

He was moving fast and they were breathing fast, when she said desperately:

"Sergio? Please, don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you. I can never be mad at you. I love you."

"I love you."

She could see desperation in his eyes. He was holding her face still, not wanting to break the eye contact. What was it? It looked like he was trying to say something but she couldn't say, not even he seemed to know.

When he finally closed his eyes in frustration, she felt bad. Did he don't know what he wanted to say or was she too stupid to get it? She wanted to ask him to say it out loud but she thought there was a reason for him not saying it out loud, he trusted her to get it and she didn't get it. Oh, they were losing what was like their superpower, they were coming to an end.

"I love you" she repeated, full of fear, and kissed him.

*

  
  


The minute Raquel saw her brother her hands began to sweat, she had trouble breathing and her head hurt. She hid all of that, but she didn't know for how long was she going to be able to do it.

It disappeared for a second when she hugged him. He hugged her so tight she wanted to cry.

'"I missed you" he whispered without letting her go.

"I missed you too" she managed not to cry.

It was when she hugged her sister-in-law and her nieces that all the panic came back.

"You were too little when I moved, there's no way you remember me" she told to the little girls.

They were seven, they weren't going to hurt her.

"We have pictures of you and dad always tells us stories about you" one of them said.

"Yeah, you're like a superhero" the other one said.

"What lies have you been telling them?" she asked her brother and they all laughed.

In the car, she was on the back seat between the girls and she felt like dying. It was a lot, she couldn't handle it. They talked and she feared them, tried to remember that they were seven but it didn't work.  
The only person she was used to talking with, was Sergio. She was different when she was with him, she was fearless. When she wasn't with him, she didn't need to talk to anyone else, not about her at least.

She lost a big part of her social skills through the years, she barely talked to anyone. It began being hard to communicate with people for the simplest things, she noticed it when it was difficult for her to do something as easy as order a coffee.

The place was full so the girl who was taking her order was hurried, and when Raquel realized she wasn't saying it right she just got more nervous. She was sure the girl wasn't going to remember her face the minute she walked away but she never came back to that place. The girl forgot about the stupid woman who didn't know how to order a coffee, but the scene repeated itself on Raquel's mind for almost a month.

When she met Sergio, it was natural. She still got nervous of course, with him and everyone. With him it didn't happen very often, but she liked him, it was normal to be nervous sometimes; with the rest of the people, she got nervous only if they stared at her, and that almost never happened.

She used to be the person who talked to anyone, if one of her friends were shy or got nervous about talking to someone somewhere, she did it for them. Now she and Sergio fought about who had to buy the tickets for the movies, because both of them were afraid of talking to the person on the other side of window.

Why did she have to be able to actually talk to people? She only wanted to talk with him, and the rest was fine, she could talk when it was necessary.

When they arrived to the house, she went directly to lock herself in the bathroom. She wanted to hide there for the rest of the weekend. She controlled her breath with a hand on her chest, noticing how her heart slowly went back to beat at a normal pace.

She didn’t want to be there, she wanted to go back home. She wanted to be with Sergio and Stockholm, what was she doing there?

Sergio encouraged her to come, it was because of him that she didn’t change her mind about it, he didn’t let her. But then he took her to the airport, and they were saying goodbye when she said she wasn’t sure. Sergio said “Say no more” and tried to push her back to the car as she laughed. He appeared at her door the night before and said he had so spend the night with her because he was going to miss her. He was “kidding” and Raquel followed him with the it, but they both knew he was being serious.

Raquel frowned at herself in the mirror of the guest bathroom. Why was she at her brother’s house when Sergio and Stockholm were together waiting for her in Madrid?

She thought she could just go back home, but she was there, she had to do it, how hard could it be? She gave herself a little talk and got out of the bathroom ready to face it.

It wasn’t that bad. Her brother made a lot of question but she didn’t have to lie much. Her sister-in-law was always really nice and she answered most of the questions Raquel made. After a lot of talking, she preferred to go play with her nieces. They were scary but at least they didn’t make difficult questions.

She got there on Friday and the wedding was on Saturday so she had time to prepare herself to face the rest of her family. At the end of the day, she and her brother talked more than she expected. He was the less scary one, he was nice and she knew he still loved her.

“Are you planning on going to the cemetery while you’re here?” he asked. “Because if you are, I’m taking you.”

Raquel smiled. “Sunday before I go?”

He nodded.

“Thanks, Dani.”

They finished their beers in a comfortable silence, then he said good night and went to bed. She stayed there, wrapped in a blanket in the backyard, looking at the stars.

Being with her brother was like opening a door to the past and she felt like a kid for a second, like she had a second chance to live her life again and do it well this time. But she wasn’t little and her life was what it was.

She texted Sergio for an update on Stockholm and he ended up calling her. They talked for a couple minutes and he made her feel calm enough to go to bed and sleep easily.

*

  
  


Sergio was sleeping peacefully when certain cat woke him up with some licking on his face.

“My alarm didn’t even sound yet” he complained but the cat kept licking him. “What do you want?” he finally opened his eyes.

Stockholm settled herself comfortably on her chest and went back to sleep.

“You woke me up for this? No, no, no” he tried to push her away but he couldn’t, she had her claws stuck in his shirt. “Look, you might have Raquel wrapped around your little claw but you won’t have me, okay? Here you are going to learn to behave” he said raising a finger. He could swear she smiled and his heart melted. “God, you are so cute” he frowned with the realization. “Stop that, seriously. Stop it!”

He got up to give her breakfast and make something to himself. He put her and her little plate on the counter so she had breakfast with him. The more he talked to her the most he missed Raquel.

It was a weird Saturday, normally Raquel would be there or he would be at her house, but they would be together. It was his first Saturday alone in a while.

“I know you are here but it’s not the same” he said to Stockholm.

He did what he always did with her on a Saturday but it was boring. She wasn’t there to discuss the books they were currently reading, she wasn’t there to fight about what movie to watch or what music to listen, she wasn’t there to talk about anything that came to their minds. It was the first time she wasn’t there and he was already missing her.

He forced himself to do what he always did on Saturdays before her, except the run, he didn’t want to leave Stockholm alone. He used to miss the routine, _his_ routine, so much that there were times when he didn’t go to her place nor called her because he wanted to be alone. But if he didn’t go to her, she always came to him. He never complained, he always forgot about his plans the minute he saw her, but he was afraid of getting use to her and not being able to spend time alone anymore, not because he thought they could not be friends anymore one day, but because she had a life too, he knew she wasn’t going to be there every time and he wanted to be fine with it.

He was not fine with it.

“Was I wrong when I insisted that she had to go?” he asked, lying on the couch. “I know, I know” he rolled his eyes. “She was the one who decided to go but I encouraged her to do it. Would have she stayed if I asked her to?” he lied on his side, his head leaning on one hand. “Hey, does she talk to you about me?” he asked her with a smile. “Stockholm?”

Nope. The cat was ignoring him completely.

“You’re making me feel even lonelier!” he sighed and laid on his back again.

He wanted to believe that it was being hard because it was a Saturday and he had nothing to do. Well, he had things to do but he was used to do it after spending the day with her, or with her being near him.

“Does she get like this when I’m not with her?” he murmured. He knew the cat wasn’t going to answer but he had to get it out, he was tired of getting it trapped inside his head. “Am I going crazy? Is that what this is, Stockholm?” and he chuckled. “I’m not crazy for talking to you, crazy would be if you answer and I know that isn’t happening” he looked at the cat, who seemed to be on her own world and he sighed. “She has me wrapped around her little finger just the way you have her” he finally admitted aloud. “No, don’t try to denied it. She lets you sleep on the bed with her while I sleep on the couch, you clearly are her favorite.”

And now he was mad at a cat for being Raquel's favorite. He was insane. But not that insane, Raquel was the insane one for having a cat as a her favorite. Wow, she was really pushing down his self-esteem with that one.

His crush was going to be the death of him and the worst part was that he was happy to die if he died on her bed.

*

  
  


Raquel thought about seeing her sister before everything but she decided not to, she just acted like every other guest. All the people that knew her were looking at her and she wanted to sink into the ground. She was afraid she was ruining it to Laura, stealing the spotlight from her. But then there she was, her little sister in a beautiful white dress, and all the eyes were on her.

Raquel wiped a few tears during the ceremony, trying to control herself as much as possible, but it was Laura. Lucky for her, it didn't last long. She wanted to approach her and congratulate her like a lot of people were doing but she couldn't. She still had the party to finally try to talk to her. She knew they wouldn't talk like she wanted to at a party, but at least they would talk a little.

A three words question: _how are you?_ That's all she wanted to ask, to make sure everyone was happy and healthy, so she could continue living her life away from them without feeling guilty for not being there. In all those years, she had those feelings: on one side, it was the caring and loving person she always was, wanted to be there to try make people feel good and happy, and on the other side, she felt useless and not important at all, it was stupid to try being there when they didn't even care, none of them needed her, she was just a burden and they all were better off without her. But there was a mix of both, that made her feel she could be there and be useful when they needed, and they could throw her away as a Kleenex after using her. In the end, she understood no one noticed if she was there or not, she was not important enough, they probably didn't think of her once in all that time.

Her father barely looked at her, he couldn't. She couldn't say if it was because he felt ashamed of her or of himself. They just said 'Hi' when they saw each other and nothing else. He was sat in front of her and they weren’t talking at all, they had to thank her brother and her nieces for saving the moment from being awkward. During the night she managed to ask, when they both got cut of the conversation his brother was having with his family. He said he was okay and asked her how was she doing. It was obvious that none of them was going to give details of their lives, it was obvious that he wasn't going to tell her about his problems or anything, just how she wasn't telling him. They talked a little about nothing and then went back to the silence, less uncomfortable after that.

She had to ask Laura if she was okay. It was stupid, Laura just got married, she was more than okay. She had 10 girls playing bridesmaids, she didn't need her sister, she had enough people in her life that cared about her. But Raquel still wanted to ask.

It was when everyone was enjoying the party and too busy getting drunk that Raquel approached her. Laura saw her before, they made eye contact at least three times during the ceremony and the party, they just nodded the three times, nothing else. But now there was nothing stopping them, so Raquel took the first step.

Laura was dancing with her now husband and two other girls Raquel didn't know, but the minute Jorge saw her he told to the other girls they should let the sisters talk.

"Hi" Laura said.

"Hi" Raquel already wanted to cry. "Congratulations. You look beautiful."

"Thanks. You too."

"You're married" she laughed.

"I'm married" she laughed too.

They looked at each other for a few seconds, the tears peeking out of their eyes. Raquel opened her arms and Laura jumped into the hug.

"I'm so sorry" she said with a broken voice.

"It's okay" Raquel whispered.

"I should've believed you."

"Don’t worry, I know what it's like to be manipulated by him"

Raquel saw that they were getting people's attention. "It's okay, don't cry because people are staring" she made her look at her and wiped away the tears on her face. "What kind of makeup do you use? It still perfect."

Laura laughed.

They already talked about it before, they didn't need it. When Laura left Alberto after he slapped her, she waited three weeks and then called Raquel to talk about it. She apologized for not believing in her and Raquel forgave her, because Raquel understood her. Raquel was more worried about _her_ then, asked if she was okay at least ten times; and she was relief that Laura finally left him, she literally started sleeping better knowing her sister was safe. But even after that, they still were away, and they knew they weren't going to be the same.

They already talked about it but it was on the phone, it was different. Raquel didn't want to talk about it again, she was over that and besides, they were at a wedding, Laura's wedding.

"So Jorge, huh?" she said to talk about something different. "How long?"

"We had been dating for a year and a half" they both looked at him. "Was it too soon?"

"I don't know, I waited three years and it still went wrong so I don't think I know about those things."

Laura grabbed Raquel's hand and squeezed it. They weren't talking about it but they knew exactly how the other felt.

"You really like my leftovers, don't you?"

Laura looked at her in shook. "I can't believe you just said that" she said offended. "Number one: he isn't part of your leftovers, you and him never were a thing. And number two: you are one to talk, you always went behind the guys I liked."

"You know that was all fake and I was just trying to annoy you."

"The kisses were very real and the pain was too."

Raquel laughed. "Sorry. I guess you can keep this one as my apology."

Laura rolled her eyes.

"Is he good to you?" Raquel asked, just wanting to make sure.

Laura looked at her husband, and Raquel didn't actually need an answer. "You know him, he is good to everyone and better with the people he loves."

"Good."

They stayed there for a while, holding hands, looking at the people dancing.

"Raquel, I'm really happy you decided to come."

"Yeah, I was in the mood for a party" she chuckled. "And I needed a break anyway. You know? from work and people."

Laura nodded.

Why was she lying? No one was asking her any uncomfortable questions. She didn't have any important work, and people, was one person, and the last thing she ever wanted was a break from him.

"Whatever it was, I'm happy you came. I’ve been thinking about mom all day and really missed her. Having you here made it better, for some reason it made me feel her close."

Raquel forced a smile and looked back to the dance floor. She just squeezed Laura's hand; she couldn't say anything because if she talked, she was going to cry. But she had to say it, so she held back her tears and said it.

"I'm sure she is really happy for you" and took a deep breathe. "She must be really proud too, you didn't have any baby before marriage as we thought you would."

They laughed.

"You thought that was going to be me? You were most likely to be the one to get pregnant before getting married."

"Me?" Raquel asked in mock disbelief.

Suddenly she became aware that her aunts were looking at them and squeezed Laura's hand again to make her look as she motioned towards them.

"Why did you invite them?"

"I still suspect they are real witches, I don't want to mess with them."

Raquel chuckled.

"Hey, have you told Monica you were here? She’s always asking me about you every time I see her."

Raquel shook her head. "You didn't invite her?"

"I don't see her _that_ often" Laura laughed. "And I still don't like her."

"Are you serious?"

"I know you always wished her to be your sister instead of me."

"That's not true."

Laura raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, it is. I'm sorry" Raquel laughed. "I know we were never that close, but you are my sister and I love you. You know that, right?"

"I know" Laura smiled. "And I love you too" she nudged her.

After a few more minutes of being there saying nothing, they saw Jorge looking to much at Laura. They laughed.

“You should go with him.”

“Will you dance with me later?” Laura asked.

Raquel shook her head, “No, I don’t think so.”

“Come on, you love dancing!” she said going to the dance floor with Jorge.

Raquel did love dancing.

She sighed and looked around, apparently her aunts found something else to gossip about and she was invisible again.

Before, she would’ve been the life and soul of the party. She would've talked to everyone, even if she didn’t know them. She would've said scandalous things to her aunts just to see their reactions, she even would've enjoyed the gossip like she was another one of them. She would've danced every song and drink a lot.

The change wasn’t just on her clothes, she actually would've worn what she was wearing.

She was so busy thinking of how much she missed a lot of people, she forgot that the person she missed the most was herself, her old self, her favorite self.

*

A little chat with her now brother-in-law -where she made him promise he was going to take good care of her sister- and a few drinks later, Raquel was about to fall asleep in her chair and she decided it was time to go. She didn't say goodbye, it was better that way. She just looked for her brother to get the keys of the house, asked him if he wanted her to take the girls home but she didn't need an answer, her nieces were dancing energetically on the dance floor. She felt old.

At the house, she took off her heels and abstain herself from throwing them to the trash. She was never using that kind of shoes again. She also took off her bra while she walked to the guest room.

She was tired and meant to sleep, but she was also a little drunk and she missed her cat. She knew she missed Sergio even more but she tried to convince herself that she missed Stockholm more.

It was late, she knew she shouldn't call. She did it anyway.

It almost went to voicemail but he got to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Hey" she bit her lip. She didn't know she missed him that much until she heard him.

"Oh, hey."

"Were you sleeping?"

"At 3am? Hell no."

She laughed. He sounded sleepy. She imagined his sleepy face and it warmed her heart.

"I was calling to check on Stockholm. How is she?"

Sergio didn't know if she was serious, but he got jealous of the cat again. "She is fine. She is sleeping now."

"In your bed?"

"Yeah."

"I'm jealous."

Sergio smiled. "Are you drunk?"

"No" she shook her head and throw herself on the bed. "Sergio? I missed you today."

Sergio was dying, she was killing him.

"I missed you too" he whispered. "A lot."

"A lot."

"You know, before you go, I was actually thinking..." he stopped himself, already regretting it.

"What?"

"I... No, I prefer not to tell you that."

She frowned. "Now I want to know."

"It's nothing."

"Sergio" she said and he knew he had to say it.

Raquel felt bad, he didn't have to tell her if he didn't want to. She was about to tell him not to but then he started talking.

"I was thinking it would be good if you went away for a day" he heard himself and immediately wanted to kick his own ass. "I mean, I thought it would be good for us, to have like a break from this, you know? We spend so much time together I thought it could be good. I felt like I needed a break."

"A break from me?" Raquel tried to keep her voice normal, but she wanted to cry. "Are you getting tired of me?"

"No! God no. That's not what I meant, that came out totally wrong. Please don't believe that" he ran a hand over his face in exasperation. "I just... I was always a person who enjoyed to be alone, a person who needed to be alone and have his own space. Then you came and my time alone disappeared."

"It's not like we are together 24 hours a day" she said.

She didn't know exactly what she was feeling but she didn't like it, it was a mix of sadness and anger.

"No, I know. But it's still a lot of time" he took his glasses from the bedside table and put it on, he needed to think better and he couldn’t if he didn’t see well. "You know? ever since I was little, I took breaks from people. Once, my dad didn't come into my room at the hospital for an entire week because I asked him space. And after that, I reorganized the schedule of my favorite nurse not to see her for a while."

Raquel laughed at the thought of a little boy asking for space.

"This time I wanted a break from you."

"That's why you wanted me to come to this."

"Yes" and he sighed. "Now I regret it."

"Why?"

"Because I missed you like crazy today."

And Raquel was happy again. She knew it was bad that her emotions depended on him like that but she couldn't help it anymore.

"I don't want a break from you ever again."

"Good" she said.

“Did you have a good time at least?”

“I think so. I don’t regret coming, I needed to be there for my sister, I would've never forgiven myself if I didn’t come.”

He nodded. “I’m glad you went then.”

They fell into a silence and Sergio thought he should hang but he didn’t want to.

“Did you fall asleep?”

“No” she shook her head. “Sergio?”

“Yes?” he asked, his heart racing because she had that voice he knew very well.

"What are you wearing?"

“What?” he thought he heard wrong.

“I want to picture you.”

"I’m wearing my pyjamas."

"Your librarian pyjamas."

He rolled his eyes. "Those exactly."

"Top and bottoms or just the bottoms and my t-shirt?"

"No?" he answered and smiled when she laughed. "Do you still want it back?"

"No, you're right, it’s too big for me and perfect for you."

"Thank you."

"But I want something in return."

"What do you want?"

"A picture" she bit her lip. "Of you with my t-shirt on."

"I'm only sending a picture if you send me one back."

"Deal."

He took the picture and sent it. He didn’t expect to get a nude in response. He was expecting something sexy but not _that._ She was really considered for asking him a picture with her shirt on instead of a nude, she knew he couldn't do that.

“Put me on speaker and look at the picture while you talk to me” she said, breathing fast.

“Raquel, Stockholm is sleeping next to me. I can ignore her when I’m with you but I can’t now” he couldn't believe he was saying that the first time he was going to get some over the phone. He was hating the cat with his life.

“Then get out of the room!”

Sergio got up and practically ran out of the bedroom.

"You are on speaker" he said when was settled on the couch.

"Good" she sighed. "Tell me, do you like the picture?"

"I... y-yeah. Yes" he swallowed hard. "You look amazing as always."

"Does it make you want to do things to me?"

"So many things."

"Like what?"

Sergio didn't know he had it in him. Again, Raquel proved she knew him more than he knew himself. He loved it when she made him find out things about himself that he would've never find out on his own. And if he found it out while hearing her come and looking at her nudes, he was happy to continue letting her help on his self-discover.  
  
*  
  
Raquel couldn't wait to go home. The night before, she fell asleep just seconds after coming, she didn't even get to say goodnight.

She thought of going to the airport right after breakfast but it was stupid because her fly wasn't departing early just because she was hurried. And she had to visit her mom while she was there, she couldn't not to.

She and her brother talked about the wedding all the way there and Raquel was happy to confirm that Laura was happier than ever. She didn't trust herself on that, she didn't know Laura very much anymore.

When they arrived to the cemetery, they stayed in the car for a few minutes.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yes, I just... I don't come here since a left the city."

"It's okay, I'm sure she understands" he smiled and made Raquel smile. "Me on the other hand…"

"When was the last time you came?"

"The anniversary."

"Then you're fine."

"You know how she always got mad at me when I spent a lot of time without visiting her."

Raquel laughed. "I remember being jealous of how much she cared about you."

"Oh, we knew" he laughed.

Raquel sighed and he grabbed her hand.

"I'm coming with you, you're going to be fine."

She nodded and they got out of the car. He didn't let go of her hand at any moment.

"Hey, you" Daniel said.

Raquel smiled at him. She heard him talking at her mother about the wedding and updating her on his life and the girls lives.

When he was over, he looked at her.

"Want me to stay?"

"No, I'm okay. You wait for me in the car."

"Okay" he kissed her cheek and walked away.

Raquel sat on the ground.

"Hey, Mommy."

She didn't know what to say, knowing that she wasn't going to answer made it really hard, not seeing her made it really hard. She began with an apologize for not visiting her sooner, saying that it would've been painful to come back so soon. Then she talked about a few insignificant things, until she remembered Stockholm and started talking about her as if she was her real daughter.

"No, she doesn't have a dad" she said and looked at her hands in the gap between her crossed legs. "I guess she has an uncle."

She remembered the heated conversation they had last night and shifted uncomfortably. She was in front of her mother's grave.

"His name is Sergio and I'm crazy about him" she bit her lip. "You would've like him too. We're friends and he loves me, he said it before and I think he means it."

She didn't talk about him with his brother, nor her nieces or sister-in-law, neither with Laura though she didn't even ask. She had people to talk with that weekend and she didn't, she kept it as a secret, her secret. Hers and her mother's now.

"I love him, mom. I really do."

After that she stopped talking about him and stopped talking completely. She wanted her mother to talk to her, that would've been better, funnier. She just sat there in silence for a few minutes. She closed her eyes and almost felt like she was there, sitting next to her.

"I miss you" she whispered. “I miss you every day.”

Not much later, she got up, said "see you" and left.

It was time to go back home.


	12. I love you more than you will ever know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if they said in the show when Raquel's birthday is so😂

Sergio didn’t expect it to be her when he opened the door, but as soon as he saw her, he pulled her against him for a hug.

“You said your flight was delayed” he said without letting her go.

“I lied. I wanted to surprise you, are you surprised?” she said, her voice muffled.

He was afraid of being hurting her but his body seemed to be following its own need instead of obeying his brain. He intended to let her go but he just hugged her tighter.

“It’s that a yes?”

He laughed, happier than ever. He lifted her up and carried her to the couch.

He sat down with her on his lap, both of her legs to one side. Stockholm climbed on the couch to join the hug and Raquel placed her in the little space between them.

She had her head on his shoulder and he leaned his cheek on it. There, in his arms, with Stockholm licking her hand, she was home.

“Was she good?” Raquel asked.

“Of course not, she’s a demon.”

She laughed. “Shut up, she’s the best” she stroked the cat but apparently she didn’t want that, so she left. “She is a demon but we love her.”

“Sure.”

She looked up at him. “I missed you.”

“No more than I missed you.”

She bit her lip. He mirrored her.

“Would you mind showing me how much you missed me?”

Sergio didn’t need to hear anything else to start kissing her. He was fine with just hugging before that but once he kissed her, he could never had enough. She took off her shirt as he went straight to her pants. He unbuttoned it but didn’t let her stand up to take it off, he didn’t want to stop hugging her. He could have the hug, the kisses and the sex at the same time, couldn't he?

“Sergio” she laughed, breathless.

He reluctantly let her stand up and helped her pushing down the pants. It was a great view, he’ll give her that. As soon as her pants were off, he grabbed her and pushed her down to the couch. Kissed her mouth and then kissed her neck, hard; that while he put a hand between her legs.

“Careful, you can get tired” she teased him.

He chuckled and looked at her. “Never” said shaking his head.

Left a chaste kiss on her lips, an opened lips kiss on her neck and a few other ones all the way down.

"I want to hear you like last night" he requested when he pushed her legs over his shoulders.

“I don’t think that’s up to me now” she smiled. “If you want to hear me, you’ll have to make me.”

“It’ll be my pleasure.”

Raquel sighed as she felt his tongue against her.

It didn’t take him much to get what he wanted. Then she undressed him and made him lay down to get on top when it was her turn to show him how much she missed him.

"I'm going to get you so tired" she promised, still breathing fast.

Just a few minutes later, they were intertwined in the couch. She brushed his hair backwards and ran a finger through his jaw. He put his face closer to her and she kissed him on the lips.

She sighed. "I missed your face" said stroking his cheek. "I missed it with glasses. Where are your glasses? You know Superman intimidates me!"

He chuckled. "You didn't seem very intimidated a while ago" and reached out to get them from the coffee table. He gave them to her and she put them on his face, both smiling to each other. "Better?"

She kissed him again.

"I’ve been meaning to ask: was it real?"

"Was it real what?"

"The story, about your brother's wedding. Was it real or you just made it up to try to convince me of going to my sister's wedding?"

"It was real. I don't remember if it was for the fourth wedding or the third one though" he chuckled. "Why are you asking?"

"I remembered it on my way here, I wanted to know if it was real."

"It was. I don’t make stories up” he brushed a lock of hair behind her ear and gave her a quick kiss. “How was it, by the way?”

“The wedding?”

He nodded.

“It was alright. Me and my sister talked, we are okay.”

“I’m glad” he put his head closer to hers. “I’m not gonna lie, I’m gladder you’re back than that, but I’m happy for you.”

She laughed. “I love you.”

*

  
_December._

Sergio knew things, he had a list to turn to when he wanted analyze his feelings, it was like a guide.

  * _I love Raquel._




He wrote the first time and that was it, because that was all he needed to know.

He wrote 'crush' the day he discovered he had one on her.

Then he felt more than that and didn't know what it was.

  * _I love Raquel more than I thought I did._




He was surprised by it. It was a very strong feeling and he wasn't used to that. It was a little annoying, uncomfortable, but he could live with it for a while. He knew it wasn't going to be forever.

He thought he could start sleeping with other people, get a new a crush maybe. The crush he had for Raquel wasn't very nice anymore, it wasn’t very pleasant to feel; it was doing things to his body and his mind and not being able to control it was something he wasn't willing to accept. He wanted to go back to the beginning, when it was the best thing ever, but he already loved Raquel too much for it to go back to just love her. He needed a new crush, someone he didn't love and had a crush on at the same time.

He started looking at women, everywhere. He was looking respectfully but he felt bad anyway, disgusted by himself. After the first day, he gave himself a little talk about it: it wasn't wrong looking at women. He wanted to ask them permission to do it but that would've been even weirder. He still questioned himself every time he did it so he stopped for a little while. Why was he looking at women? It wasn't like he was going to like someone and that person would agree to be his new crush just like that. He wanted to look at them to know them, to see how they were like, maybe find his type. He knew his type was Raquel, but even he found someone who _look_ like her, that person might not _be_ like her.

Women were beautiful, he couldn't deny that, but he didn't like them that way. Every time he saw a pretty woman, he tried to think if he would like to have sex with her, and the answer a definitive no. He couldn't imagine himself doing it with someone other than Raquel.

"You should go ask her out."

Raquel's voice brought him back from his thoughts.

"What?"

"That woman you're looking at so much" she nodded towards her.

"What? No" he shook his head anxiously.

"Why not?"

"I can't."

"Want me to help?"

"Please, don't" he laughed. "I don't want to ask her out."

"Why not? She's pretty."

"She is, but not enough for me to want to ask her out."

Raquel raised an eyebrow. "You set the bar very high."

Raquel wanted to hid, to run, to be invisible. He looking at other women made her feel bad, he saying that that woman wasn't pretty enough for him to want her, was just like staving a knife in her heart, like hitting it like a punching bag, like taking it off her chest to cut it in pieces, cook it and give it to animals for them not to eat it because they preferred starve instead of eating something that came from her.

If that woman wasn't pretty then what was her?

"You set it there" he said and Raquel felt like dying. Was he playing with her? "As long as you're in the room with them, no woman has the chance to be pretty enough."

Raquel rolled her eyes with a fake laugh and an aching heart. Did he know what he was doing? Was he doing it on purpose?

Sergio knew he could never find a woman prettier than Raquel if they stood next to her. Raquel won the game every time.

And instead of being him who awarded the winner, the winner awarded him by riding him big time when they got to his apartment, which happened to be the one closer to Hanoi.

  
  


  * _I love Raquel more than I thought I could love someone._




The feelings weren't just overwhelming anymore, it was painful to think about even. It was driving him crazy.

The realization that he wasn't going to find someone anytime soon as long as he continued sleeping with Raquel made Sergio think that the solution was in to stop doing it. He didn't want to, but maybe it was for the best.

He meant to tell her the next time he saw her after making that decision, but she kissed him as soon as she walked through the door and he couldn't stop after that. The next time after that, they didn't have any sex and he forgot completely about it, it didn't feel like they were sleeping together at all, it felt like they were normal friends. Then they went to the movies and Raquel stroked his thigh with intention during the two hours that it lasted, he was determined to tell her as soon as they get out, but he drove to his apartment with her giving him a handjob and they did it in the back seat of the car in the parking. He had to tell her; he was getting mad and didn't know if it was at her or himself.

It was when they were in bed, _after_ the sex, that he felt like it was time. The sex was amazing and he didn’t want to say it then, but he couldn't just continue without saying it, and bed was their safe place, they were honest with each other there.

She looked at the ceiling for a few seconds after he said he wanted to stop, she had no expression in her face and that scared him.

"May I ask why?" she finally said.

"I think I want to sleep with other people and I feel that I can't if I'm sleeping with you."

"But you can. I have no problem with that, I promise."

All the problems she had with him looking at other women, all the problems she had with the thought of him sleeping with them, all of that, she could live with that as long as she had him.

"No, I know. You're the best, I know I could do it. But _I can't_ do it if I keep sleeping with you, not because of you but because of me, I just can't."

Raquel didn't look at him once. He was on his side, looking at her, and she was laying on her back, staring at a point in the ceiling.

"You're insanely beautiful and mind-blowingly good in bed, I'm sure there's a long line of men waiting for you to turn around and look at them."

She knew he wasn't trying to be bad but he was making it worse.

"Okay" she said.

He put his head close to her, nuzzled her cheek and gave her a little kiss. "I love you" he smiled.

"I love you too" she slowly breathed in, the air burning her lungs, and looked at him.

He was the only person who ever looked at her and he didn't know that.

"You should dress and go, don't you think?" she forced a smile.

"Right" he kissed her forehead and got up.

Raquel sat and pulled of the sheet to cover herself firmly. She was used to feel ugly but she never felt uglier than in that exact moment.

"See you tomorrow?" he asked when he was about to get out of the room.

"Yes, see you."

"Good night" he said leaving.

"Good night" she whispered but she knew he didn't care.

She tried to remain calm. She was seeing him tomorrow, he still loved her, he was still her friend. She knew he was going to get bored of sleeping with her at some point, she should be happy that at least he was still her friend.

The thought of him sleeping with other women hurt even more than it did when she was sleeping with him too; then she thought they could share, now she had none of it.

She cried in the shower that night and then sucked it up.

He was still her friend and she should be thankful for that.  
  
  
Sergio went to a bar alone two days after. He was in abstinence and seeing Raquel was getting harder, and not seeing her wasn't an option. He was done looking for women that looked like her, he barely cared they were even pretty. He was desperate. But as soon as he got a woman's attention, he ran out of there before she could get to his side in the counter. It was harder than he remembered. The woman must have thought he was crazy, sending her a drink and then running out. His felt his entire face burning all night.

He thought of downloading one of those applications for the phone, and he could do the talking there and when he met the woman go straight to the sex. No, he would be even more embarrassed with that.

He didn't last more than a week.

He was walking mad around his apartment, he was so angry at himself, he was about to cry of how much he was feeling when someone knocked at his door.

He let out a tired sigh when he saw her.

"Are you okay?" she asked, worried.

He kissed her and took her to his bedroom.

She took him back without any question. She was amazing and he didn’t deserve her, he thought while he leaned his head on her chest and she stroked his hair.

What he didn't know was that Raquel was desperate to ask what changed. In all that week she could barely sleep thinking he was sleeping with someone that wasn't her. But when he kissed her and had sex with her, she felt immediately better and the thought of share him didn't hurt that much now. Share was better than not having anything at all.

Sergio had to admit that the thought of her sleeping with other men had a big influence on him surrendering to her again and he hated it. She was beautiful, smart and the best person he knew, she deserved to have whoever she wanted in her bed. It annoyed him the fact that she could want other people while he was stuck wanting only her. Not that it wasn't enough, she was all and a lot more than he ever dreamed of, but he hated that while she was everything for him, he might be just a little for her. He wanted her all for himself and that wasn't okay.

So the stress he was already going through by his own feelings, plus the idea of her sleeping with others, plus this new possessive feeling he was completely denied to feel, just made him feel like he could explode, like _needed_ to explode, in a literal and not at all nice way.

  * _I love Raquel more than a person is humanly capable of love._




It couldn't be just a crush anymore, what he read about it was nothing compared to what he was feeling.

But that thinking scared him so he chose to go back to not thinking, at least for a while, he needed a break from it. He wished he could give his heart a break the way he was giving it to his mind, but he couldn't control that. He had Raquel close again, his heart had what it wanted, or at least some, enough not to hurt much.

His body was relieved too, he never thought he would _need_ sex the way he needed it that week. But he knew he wasn't like that, he was just too stressed and his body needed some tension relief; that was it, he wasn't some sex addict.

*

  
Sergio was finishing setting the table when he heard the keys on the door. The first idea that came to his mind was screaming. He let out a very loud noise before screaming actual words.

"Stop! Don't come inside. Stop right there!"

Raquel froze at the door just a little opened.

"What is it? Are you naked?" she asked.

"Why would I be naked in your apartment?"

"As if that never happens."

He reformulated his question. "Why would I be naked in your apartment without you?"

"I don't know" she said.

"Okay, close your eyes and come in. It is uncomfortable to talk to you about being naked while you're still outside."

She did what he asked.

"You're not seeing, are you?"

"No, I promise" she closed the door and started walking reaching out a hand in front of her and the other touching the wall. "Why do I have to keep my eyes closed? Is Stockholm dead? Is that the emergency for which you used your only-for-emergencies key?"

"As if you don't use yours to rob my wine when I'm not there."

"Shut up!" she smiled. "Seriously, what is it?"

She stood still with a hand against the kitchen door frame. She heard the sound of matches lighting up and she shuddered. Then he kissed her cheek when he stood next to her and she heard him turning off the lights.

Sergio put on some quiet music, looked at the place one last time to check everything was how he wanted and stood still aside the table, nervous.

"You can open your eyes."

Raquel opened her eyes and didn't recognized her kitchen with the mild lights of candles. They were thoughtfully set in specific places not to need a lot of them to lit the whole room. The table was beautifully set, covered with a white tablecloth, two tall candles in the middle, the plates were covered with a cloche as if dinner was a surprise, two glasses and the wine, and a single rose in her side of the table.

Was it a date?!

"Happy birthday."

Raquel looked up at him. He was dressed as usual with a white shirt, the sleeves rolled up and his tie loosened around his neck. He was the same but he looked amazing at the candle lights.

She held a laugh while she approached the table. "Today isn't my birthday" she finally left her bag in a chair and started unbuttoning her coat.

"Yes, it is. December 13."

She frowned while he took her coat off her shoulders and hang it in the back off her chair. She doubted for a second, not remembering very well.

"Today isn't 13" she took her phone to check and her eyebrows raised in surprise. "It is."

"You forgot your own birthday?"

She heard something in his voice and she didn't like it.

"Well, the major bitch is keeping me very busy by constantly testing my professional abilities, I don't have time to think of anything else" she took a bottle of water out of the fridge and served some in the glass on the table. "Actually, that's a lie. If that wasn't happening, I would've forgotten anyway. I don't really care about birthdays."

He looked disappointed and her heart hurt.

"But this looks nice. Thank you" she said and took the rose on the table to smell it. "What's for dinner?"

He looked excited when he lifted the cloches to show her the food, her favorite.

"I made it myself from the scratch" he said proudly.

She smiled at him; her heart filled with tenderness.

"You know, I may not care about birthdays but that doesn't mean you don't have to do anything about it."

He frowned.

"You haven't kissed the birthday girl yet."

His grinned broadly and came closer. "Happy birthday, birthday girl" and kissed her in the corner of the mouth.

"Let's eat" she said, trying to control herself not to push him to the bedroom right away.

He cooked for her, she had to eat.

Preferred not to say anything about the romantic atmosphere, he probably didn't do it on purpose. He was trying to be nice, not romantic.

"So, how was your day?" he asked while serving them wine when they were halfway finished eating.

She accepted a glass and drank a little before talking. It was the expensive wine and she wanted to kiss him as a thank you for the effort.

"Normal, I guess" she left the glass back on the table. "How was yours?"

"It was fine. I would've liked to spend the day with you though."

Would she ever stop getting wild butterflies in her belly every time he said something like that? She was sure she wouldn't.

"Did I saw you today last year?"

"No, I don't think so, I would remember it."

"Maybe if you told me it was your birthday, we could've hanged out."

"We knew each other for less than two months back then, Sergio. We wouldn't have hanged out."

It was on _his_ birthday that she told him when hers was, after giving him a new copy of one of her favorites books for him to read as a present. They were still not very close so the dedication was just a ‘Happy birthday, professor’ and she signed it with both name and last name.

"Thank you for this, it was delicious" she said grabbing her glass again when she finished eating.

"I have a present for you" he got up and left the kitchen.

"Wasn't this my present?"

He came back with a pink paper shopping bag in his hands. Was it lingerie or something? Did he do all that to trick her into fulfilling some fantasy he had?

"Happy birthday" he gave it to her.

"You can stop saying that now" she chuckled and looked inside the bag.

She looked at him for a second and then back to the bag.

"You said you missed wearing dresses" he started explaining himself and she hated that he felt he needed to.

She took it out of the bag to look at it.

"It's okay if you don't want to use it, you don't have to. But since you don't have any, I wanted you to have one, just in case you want to use a dress again one day. I wanted you to have the option."

She smiled and held the tears.

"It's beautiful" she nodded her head. "Thank you."

It was a short dress, string-tie shoulders, color white with embroidered purple flowers on the skirt part. It wasn't one of those that stick to the skin, it wasn't tight, it wasn't extremely short. That dress wasn't meant to make her look sexy and she felt bad for thinking he would buy her something for himself.

"Would you like me to put it on?"

That took him by surprise and he began to stutter. "I- I don't..." he swallowed hard. "I don't know, maybe, if you want to. Like I said, you don't have to use it, it's okay if you don't want-"

"Sergio" she cut him off. "I wouldn't be asking if I didn't want to. Yes or no?"

She wasn't actually sure if she wanted. She thought maybe he could help her decide.

"I... Yeah, sure" he nodded.

"I'll be right back" she got up and went to her room.

When she put it on, she wasn't sure of coming out. She wanted to look at herself in the mirror to check if she looked okay but she was afraid that if she looked then she wouldn't get back out at all. It looked fine from her point of view, the dress came up to a few inches above the knees, it wasn't too short but not very long either. She thought it was perfect but she had to look at herself in the mirror to confirm if it looked well on her.

She took a deep breath and turned the mirror around. As soon as she saw herself, she looked away. She didn't recognize herself and it was uncomfortable. Determined to act like a grown woman, she looked at her reflection again. It wasn't the kind of dress she would earn a slap for, but it still showed more skin than she was allowed to. Sergio saw her naked already and no one else was outside that bedroom, so it was okay. It looked nice on her actually. She smiled shyly, slightly moving for skirt of the dress to move.

The woman in the mirror wasn't ugly or bad to deserve all the hate she threw at her every time she saw her.

She wiped away some tears that managed to come out of her eyes and breathed in and out.

It wasn't the first time he gifted her something, but it was the first birthday present she received in many years and that was making her emotional.

She was a little embarrassed for forgetting before, it was like admitting to him that no one told her happy birthday during that day, no one reminded her of it. She checked her phone during dinner, Laura texted and asked her to tell her at what time was she free for her to call. Her father said happy birthday too. No one else.

When Raquel came out, the table was clean and free of dirty dishes. He was drinking the rest of wine in his glass but he looked at her as soon as she walked in.

She got nervous. "Do you like it?"

"That is a very obvious question" he smiled. "And no matter how good it is, my opinion doesn't really matter, right? The dress is yours and you are the one using it after all. I care more that you like it."

She looked at herself again, unsure.

"Do you like it?" he asked.

Raquel stared at him, looking for an answer in his eyes. He seemed to like it, so she felt she really liked it too. She smiled and nodded.

"I'm glad" he looked shy after saying that and she knew he wanted to say something else.

"What?"

"Like I said, my opinion doesn't matter but... I think you look very beautiful."

She laughed. Walked to him and with a hand on his shoulder, leaned in to give him a little kiss on the cheek.

"Your opinion matters to me, so thank you."

Sergio sighed and looked at her up and down. Put a hand on her waist and stroked her with his thumb. She was doing things to his heart that he could never explain but he didn't want her to stop, he didn't want her to ever stop.

He looked up at her and she was still smiling. He wanted to see her smile every day for the rest of his life.

He felt her fingernails against his skin as she caressed the back of his neck and he closed his eyes. He moved his hand from her waist to her lower back and pulled her closer, left a soft kiss on her belly through the dress, leaned his head against it and hugged her.

Raquel looked at him, confused by him being more delicate to her than usual. She bushed his hair and caressed his back.

"Are you okay?" she asked in a whisper.

He lightly nodded against her belly. "Let me hug you for a couple minutes more, please? We can make love then."

She smiled at the first time he referred to sex as making love. The way she adored him was stronger than the way a religious person adored God. That was definitely not the first time she restrained from kneeling to kiss his feet.

They didn't go to the bedroom right away. He got up from his chair and hugged her right. They danced for a few minutes, so slow she didn’t even notice they were dancing.

She was the one adoring him and somehow, she felt adored too.

"Thanks for tonight" she whispered in his ear.

"It isn't finish yet."

"I know, but it's already perfect."

He looked at her and leaned his forehead against hers.

"I love you, Raquel."

"I love you more."

*

  
  


She was lying face down with her chin on top of her hand, looking at him. He was laying on his back next to her, looking at her too.

“You know... you may not care about your birthday but I do.”

“Why?”

“Forty-one years ago today you were born and I’m forever thankful for that, I’m everyday more convinced that you were born to be in my life and change it, to make me happy.”

“You’re telling me I was born for you, that being in your life was my only mission? You mean I was born to please a man?” she pretended to be disappointed.

She felt hypocritical for saying that since the only reason she got out of bed in the morning for the last months was for him.

He rolled his eyes and she laughed. “I’m trying to say something nice here!”

“But that can’t be true since I was born before you. I think you are the one that was born for me” she kept teasing him.

"I give up" he held up his hands.

She laughed again and reached out to him for a kiss.

"I understand what you mean, I just don't think I'm that important."

He frowned. "You don't know how important you are for me?"

"No, I know. I mean in general, like, for the world."

"The world we know wouldn't be the same without you."

"Oh, really?"

"I don't know" he admitted. "I know _my_ world wouldn't be the same" he stoked her cheek fondly and she sighed. "You are important, Raquel. Essential I'd say."

She turned her head to kiss the palm of his hand.

"I would love to spend the rest of the night, telling you how important you are until you believe it. But I have one last surprise for you, my birthday girl" he kissed her forehead and got up to put on his underwear.

"What-"

"I suggest you to wash your hands if you didn't when you went to the bathroom before" he said walking out of the bedroom.

She obeyed him and went to wash her hands.

Then, she was sat with her legs crossed in the middle of the bed when he came back into the room, holding a cake with a lighted candle on it.

He clearly wanted her to cry in front of him and that was the only thing she wasn't going to give him.

She smiled as he started singing happy birthday for her. He sat in the bed as he finished the song, the cake in front of her waiting for her to blow out the candle.

She was about to do so when he stopped her.

"Hey, make a wish!" he reminded her.

She looked at him for a few seconds. He was all she needed. But even if he was there, half naked, telling her she was important, she could never have him the way she wanted.

She thought it couldn't hurt to waste her wish on it anyway.

_Love me, please._

And blew out the candle.

Then he took off the candle and put it on the bedside table. Handed her a spoon and they started eating it.

"Did you ask for my favorite cake in a mini form or do they make this and I wasn't aware?"

"No, this was specially made for you. Antonio says happy birthday."

She smiled happily. "Really?"

"Yes. Apparently he gives you free cakes too" he said jealous and she chuckled.

He didn't know if he was jealous because Antonio was always giving her free food or because _Antonio_ was always giving _her_ something. What intentions did he have? And there was again, the jealousy and the possessiveness. No, he couldn't let it ruin the night.

"Can I sleep here tonight?"

"Of course."

The cake was mini but it was too much for them to eat anyway. They didn't know when to stop but then Raquel spilled some in her thigh and Sergio automatically licked it. He was willing to continue eating but then he looked at Raquel's face and knew it was time to forget about the cake.

*

  
  


Raquel woke up startled because of a phone ringing. She touched Sergio's back and he turned around with his eyes still closed.

“It’s not mine, that’s not my ringtone” he muttered.

She frowned. That was true, it wasn’t his ringtone, it was hers.

She took her phone from the bedside table and understood when she saw her brother’s name on the screen.

“Sorry” she whispered to Sergio and left the room to take it, grabbing her robe in her way out.

She picked up as soon as she was out. “Hello?” she said, putting her robe on.

“I’m so sorry, sis. Happy late birthday.”

He sounded so sorry that she forgave him immediately.

“It’s no big deal, I didn’t even notice.”

That was a lie. She didn’t expect for birthday massages ever, she didn’t care about any, only her brother's. He was her favorite man and favorite person alive; second favorite now, but still.

“Too busy celebrating?”

She got his teasing tone so she went with it. “Maybe.”

“Now, honestly, did you have a good birthday?”

She opened the door of her room and looked at Sergio sleeping _naked_ in her bed.

“The best in years.”

“What did you do?”

“Just dinner and some wine with a few friends.”

“You don’t have any friends.”

“Oh, thank you for that.”

They talked a couple minutes more, her brother handed the phone to her nieces for them to tell her happy birthday too, and they said goodbye.

When she looked at the time, saw that they had half an hour more to sleep yet, so she didn’t wake Sergio up.

She leaned against the door frame and stared at him. Suddenly she heard the quiet music still sounding in the kitchen and realized they forgot to turn it off. Smiled at the memory of them dancing the night before. It really was the best birthday she had in years.

He was so passionate that night, so loving and affectionate; it wasn't sex but love making, he actually made love to her for the first time.

She wanted to believe that he loved her as much as she loved him, but she couldn't, she was sure that wasn't possible. But even if he didn’t love her that much, he loved her enough for her to feel loved, and that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for the kudos and specially the comments!💚


	13. Please be mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say two things in this note:
> 
> First, to wish you a very happy christmas!💚 I know it's weird this year but try to enjoy it!
> 
> And second, wanted to explain something about this chapter and this fic: I'm trying to make Sergio more innocent, and like, pure and open, because is his first time experimenting this kind of love, so he's just trying to understand his feelings and how the thing works as he enjoys being with the woman he loves. And Raquel in the other hand, is scared and needy at the same time, she has been through a lot all alone, she needs a little love but doesn't know how to take it.  
> Or that's what I'm trying to write 😂. Just wanted to clarify it in case I'm not writing it well, I know I can suck. Maybe me saying it helps you to read it better. Or maybe you don't have to see it that way, everyone can interpret it differently and it's okay, so I guess you can totally ignore this part of the note lol
> 
> Anyway, here's the chapter. Let me know if it was unnecessarily long and if you prefer it to be shorter.

“My brother wants to meet you.”

Raquel wasn’t expecting that and almost choked on her food.

“You talked to your brother about me?” she asked trying to sound normal.

Sergio was talking like it was normal and she didn’t understand.

“Of course” he chuckled as if it would’ve been ridiculous not to. “He arrives this afternoon and he said you should come to dinner with us tonight. I told him I would ask you if you wanted, so this is me asking.”

“Okay.”

She had to remember herself that they were friends and that was why he was talking about introducing her to his only family, that was the only reason he was so normal about it.

“Okay, I’ll tell him.”

She would've preferred to have more time to prepare herself, but she could do it. It wouldn’t hurt to postpone it a few days though.

“How long is he staying?”

“I don’t know. We were thinking we could spend Christmas here and maybe go to Italy for New year.”

She forgot about meeting his brother. He was leaving?

“Are you telling me you don’t have a plan? You?”

He chuckled.

“We never plan it much.”

She nodded.

Italy wasn’t that far away but she hated the idea of him being in a different country, the distance between their apartments was already too much for her.

“What are you doing for the holidays?”

She didn’t know if she should be honest or lie.

She knew she was welcome to spend those days with her brother but it was uncomfortable for her to think that he would be with his family and she would be an intruder there, just because no one else would take her for the holidays. Her sister always went her own way with other people, but now she had a new family too so there was that. They let her know that she was welcome at their houses, but she would never go, it was too humiliating for her.

“The usual.”

He nodded, knowing that if she wasn’t telling him, it was because she didn’t want to.

The usual consisted on trying to sleep early not to cry. But she always ended drinking wine and watching ‘Love Actually’ in bed, crying. She didn’t actually cry... _anymore._ The first time she spent Christmas alone was the worst time, but then it got easier. And now was proud not to have cried in the last two Christmas. It sucked but she tried not to give it much importance anymore.

“So, you talked to your brother about me…” she started.

He looked at her and stopped chewing for a moment.

“Does he know about…?”

“No, how would he know that?” he frowned.

“I don’t know, I thought maybe you told him. Men do that sometimes.”

“I don’t. He doesn’t have to know. That is ours and ours only.”

“Right.”

Raquel didn’t know how to feel. If he would've told his brother she would be kind of mad, but now she didn’t feel better. Why hasn’t he? Was he embarrassed of sleeping with her?

“Wouldn't you be mad if I do that?”

“Why would I?”

“Isn’t it wrong?”

“I don’t know. Wrong it would be if you share to much details or talk bad about me, if you disrespect me.”

“I would never do that. That’s why I wouldn't tell anyone.”

“It’s not wrong to tell either, women talk about it all the time with their friends.”

“Have you told anyone?”

“Of course” she wasn’t looking at him, trying not to laugh.

“Whom?”

“Stockholm, we don’t keep secrets from each other” she said trying to sound serious.

He smiled. “Really?”

She nodded.

“How could you keep that secret from her if she sees us literally all the time? The poor thing is traumatized.”

Raquel laughed.

*

Raquel didn't know what was she so nervous about, Sergio was with her all the time. Andres was kind of an idiot but Sergio warned her about that on the way to the bar, so she was ready. It wasn't that bad actually, he was kind of funny, that or the shot they drank to start the night relaxed her.

They were talking a lot, Andres was telling her a lot of things she didn’t know about Sergio and she wanted to stay there all night and hear absolutely everything. They also talked about a lot of things she didn't talk about with Sergio. She did roll her eyes like a hundred times though; he made the most stupid comments. Sergio said 'Andres' all those times, with a voice she deduced he used when he taught and wanted to be taken seriously. He was scolding his older brother all the time and it was doing things to her, to the point she wanted to be scolded by him too.

But the night was about Andres, he was funny and interesting to talk with when he wasn't making any stupid comment. He had a very interesting life and apparently didn’t mind to talk about it with a complete stranger.

"I don't know. I think if you liked one man then you are bisexual, it doesn't matter if it is one man between thousands of women. That could mean you have a preference for women but the attraction to men is there" Raquel said.

"We are all bisexuals then” he laughed at that, finding it ridiculous.

"I kind of believe in that theory actually."

"No, for me, you have to be at least a fifty percent homosexual to be a bisexual. And like I said, I'm only a thirty percent, and one hundred percent straight."

She laughed. He was so in denial.

"What is your homosexual percentage?"

"I could be a fifty" she nodded.

"Really?" he asked interested.

Suddenly Sergio started listening to them again.

"But have you been with women?"

"A couple times in my twenties, I was definitely a seventy/eighty percent then. But unfortunately, my attraction to men grew more and now I have a preference for them.”

"You never told me that" Sergio talked for the first time in several minutes.

"You never asked" she drank from her glass with the straw.

"I told you thousands of things you never asked me. I shared all of my secrets with you."

"That's impossible" she smiled. "You might have shared thousands of things with me but you still have other two thousand things you didn't and never will. Don’t worry, it's okay."

He frowned to her and she resisted the impulse of kissing him. He was sitting next to her and Andres was in front of them. None of the two noticed Andres raising his eyebrows at that interaction. He observed them all night: how they leaned against each other when they laughed, how they touched each other's arm when they wanted to say something, how they looked each other's eyes and lips when they talked, more when they talked to each other, being so close. Andres wasn't stupid.

They broke the eye contact and looked at Andres again.

"So, how long have you been together?" he asked and almost laugh at their reaction.

Raquel almost choked with her drink and Sergio’s eyes widened opened.

"What?" she asked.

Sergio shook his head at him, shooting him a look as a way of telling him not to do it.

"You're together, aren't you?"

"No” she said at the same time Sergio said:

"We are not."

"Okay. How long have you been sleeping together then?"

Both of them got uncomfortable. Sergio wanted to kill him.

"We are not. We are friends" he said.

"I have to go to the bathroom" Raquel said looking at Sergio.

"Go then. What do you want? My permission?" he chuckled nervously.

"I want you to move so I can get up."

"Right" he got up and let her out.

Sergio sat again, feeling like it was very hot in that place all of the sudden.

"I asked you to be behave, Andres!” he whispered.

"I just asked a question" he shrugged.

"A very inappropriate one."

"Why? Are you going to tell me you're not sleeping together?"

"That's none of your business” he said through clenched teeth.

"Yes, it is. My asexual brother suddenly has a girlfriend to have sex with!” he murmured with a smile.

"She's not my girlfriend."

"But you want her to be."

"No, I don't. She's my friend."

"Come on, Sergio. I know you, you're not the kind of guy who has a friendship with benefits. Before her you weren't even the kind of guy who had friends at all."

"Andres, stay out of my business."

"I just want to make sure you're happy."

"I am” and he sighed.

He wasn’t ready to talk about any of it.

"Really? Because you seem very much into her to be fine with her not being your girlfriend” he got serious. “Is it enough for you?”

"No, it's not" he said louder than he meant it.

He looked around, waiting for the people who heard him to look other way. "But it will never be enough, will it? Even if I get a little more or a lot more, it will never be enough" he loosened his tie, already feeling like he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t want to think about it. "You know what I think every time I am with her? How much a want to die inside of her."

"Didn't need to know that" Andres said laughing.

"I'm not even talking about sex" he shook his head. "I’ve thought of how I could kill to be literally a part of her body, to be always with her. I-" the tears were pinching his eyes, his heart was beating so hard it hurt in his chest.

He had to stop talking, he couldn’t tell his brother all of the things he had in his head, he would put him in a mental institution.

"I've known her for just a year and I can't imagine my life without her anymore" he swallowed hard. He had something trapped inside of him that it was fighting to get out, it was killing him. "It's like I'm an addict, I can't spend more than a day away from her, I can't-" his voice broke so he stopped talking.

He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, wiping away the tears before they came out.

He cleared his throat looking at his glasses and then put them on again. "I don’t know, I must be I'm sick or something. I'm going crazy."

"You are in love" his brother laughed again.

Sergio looked at him, frowning. He couldn't say anything because Raquel was walking back to the table.

"You shut up" he said before she arrived.

Andres had that smile in his face that Sergio knew very well. He wanted to get on his knees and beg for mercy, he was so tired.

“So, Raquel, did you know my brother is asexual?"

She chuckled, "What?"

Andres nodded.

"What is he talking about?" she looked at Sergio.

“Nothing, he’s just doing what he knows best: acting stupid.”

“How do you know he’s acting it?”

And Sergio laughed. He loved her so much he wanted to cry.

He called it a night a few minutes after that and told Raquel he would walk her home. He didn’t drive there knowing that they were drinking, it was his brother who they were meeting with after all.

They were outside the bar and were about to say goodbye when Andres said:

“Raquel, it was nice to meet you.”

“You too” she smiled.

“I hope to keep seeing you.”

She nodded. She hoped that too, that would mean she was still Sergio's friend.

“Actually, I really want to see you again. Would you like to grab a coffee tomorrow?”

Raquel frowned. Sergio frowned.

He got closer to her and whispered: “Don’t worry, I just want you to come with me to buy Sergio's Christmas present. He still believes in Papá Noel and Papá Noel should know what he wants but I have no clue.”

Raquel laughed and looked other way for Sergio not to see her. But Sergio saw her, he was seeing everything. He tried, really hard, not to feel what he was feeling, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to rip his brother’s head off.

“Tell me the time.”

And Sergio thought he could explode of jealousy. What the fuck was his brother doing?

“He will text me the time, don’t worry”, he said, trying to look relax.

They looked at him and looked at each other.

“The invitation was only for her, brother” Andres said and didn’t let her say anything. “Want to give me your number? I text you the time” he gave her his phone and she tipped her number.

Sergio was getting nervous, he didn’t understand what was going on. Was that a nightmare? He wanted to cry. He wasn’t made to feel, he couldn't handle any of it.

After that, Andres grabbed his brother by the arm and pulled him a little away from Raquel.

“Did you see that? That’s how easy I, or anyone, can steal her from you. Do something!”

“You won’t steal her?” Sergio felt he could breathe again.

“I would never do that to you”, he laughed.

Andres kissed his brother's cheek, said goodbye to him and Raquel, and entered the bar again.

“He’s staying?” Raquel asked.

“He and a woman were giving each other looks all night. He’s not leaving without her or at least her number.”

“And I felt special for a second”, she pretended to be hurt.

“Really?” he asked worried.

He felt hurt because she liked his brother and hurt because she was hurt by his brother. And mad about both things too.

“No!” she laughed. “He didn’t invite me to grab a coffee with him that way.”

He sighed with relief. They were playing with his heart as if it wasn’t fragile. He wanted to go to bed and wrap himself in a blanket.

She noticed that and didn't know what to think.

*

They entered to her apartment in the same silence they've been all the way there.

“So, your brother is kind of an asshole” she said.

“Really? I never noticed."

They looked at each other.

_Talk._

_You talk._

“What are we?” he finally said.

“What do you mean 'what are we'? We’re friends”

“Friends who… have sex?”

She looked at anywhere but him. Oh, they were finally going to talk about it.

“Yes, I guess. Why? You don’t like that?” she asked looking at the floor.

“No, I like that, I like that a lot” he rapidly said. “I just…” and sighed. “You know, my brother said this thing when you went to the bathroom.”

“Your brother the asshole?” she looked at him and he chuckled. She smiled.

“My brother the asshole went through five marriages, and I’m not saying he’s good at it but he knows things” he was staring at her as he talked but she wasn’t. It was like she was giving him space or privacy not to feel observed while he said what he wanted to say. She was giving him freedom, to said whatever he needed to say. “He asked me if I was happy with what we have, if it was enough for me”

She looked at him for a second and then looked at the floor again.

“And?” she asked, a little concerned.

“I am happy. Well, I don’t really know if what I feel is happiness, but I feel okay, I’m fine. I really like what we have. But the other part…”

“It isn’t enough?”

“I don’t know, I…” and he took a deep breath.

“It’s okay” she looked at him, just so he could see her eyes. “Take all the time you need, don’t rush it. We have all night, and all day tomorrow if you need it” she smiled at him, because it was okay.

He nodded. _Thank you._

He took a time to breathe, he was scared as he had never been.

“I don’t think it will ever be enough” he finally said and saw she got tense. “I’m not saying I don’t want it because is not enough, I’m saying I want more of it” and saw her close her eyes with relief. So she was as scared as he was. “I’m not taking about sex, of course I want more of it because it’s _so good_ but-” he stopped talking when he realized what he said and covered his mouth with his hand as he turned around, embarrassed.

She laughed softly.

“That was so inappropriate, I’m sorry” he felt his face burning.

“It’s okay, it’s not like you’ve never said it before” she teased him about he saying it in bed, but it was different then.

“Raquel, please!”

She laughed again. “Sorry. Please continue, whenever you’re ready” she knew he needed a moment.

“I…” he looked at her again. She was leaned against the back of the couch, still staring at the floor. “You know, I want to kiss you without it leading to sex. Why does every kiss have to lead to sex? Sometimes I just want to kiss you.”

It wasn’t working, he was so bad for the talking. If he started naming every little thing in his head he would be talking for ages and he would get her confused like he was.

“Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy having sex with you. But sometimes I just want to kiss you. I don't want to be holding it when I don’t feel like sex."

"Then please, don't” she held his gaze for that one, wanting him to see how much she meant every word. “You can kiss me whenever you want, it doesn't have to lead to sex if you don't want it to. I don’t want you to hold anything, I want you to do anything you want.”

Great. Now he was thinking of how to tell her he wanted to be the only one with the right to kiss her, forever.

“Is there something else?”

"Do you have enough time?"

She chuckled. "Tell me."

“Well…” and she looked at the floor again. God, she was the best. “I don’t want you to leave the bed” he said. “Of course, if you want to come home after, that is more that okay and I understand but when you get up and go to the couch is just… No, why do you do that? My bed is big enough and I know my couch is very comfortable but… You can stay, I promise I will give you space and I’m not a hugger.”

She giggled. “Okay, I’ll think about it”

She didn't need to think about it. He was saying he wanted her on his bed, for fuck sake. She was about to start jumping of joy.

Sergio nodded.

"You can stay too" she muttered.

He stayed in her bed twice. Their first time and for her birthday, not any other time. They used to do that, get up and leave the room before actually sleeping. They didn’t look at each other much then. She didn’t want him to see her eyes yelling 'stay, please'. She didn’t know he didn’t look at her because his were yelling 'I don’t want to leave you'. And the same happened every time they were at his apartment, she didn’t want to go, she never knew he didn’t want her to leave.

“I don’t like you going home so late. And my bed is big enough too”

“Okay” he nodded. “So, we're still friends who have sex?”

She knew he didn’t like that not being clear.

“We’ll always be friends.”

“Yes. I love having you as my friend, I don’t want that to change” he shook his head, his brows furrowed.

She wanted to hug him so bad but even if they agreed not to hold it, they weren’t finish talking. “It doesn’t have to change."

That was good but for some reason he wasn't satisfied yet. She could still sleep with other people? That was what worried him the most. He wanted to tie her to him and at the same time wanted her to stay free. He couldn't live like that, he had to make a choice, and even if he made a choice, he didn't know if she was going to agree with it.

He wanted to cry for the thousandth time that day.

"What is it?" she asked.

"I want you. I want you to myself" he confessed.

"I'm yours."

“But I still want you to be my friend first, it is really important to me” he was getting desperate and he was too tired already.

Having feelings that deep was exhausting.

“You have more experience on this, you tell me, guide me”

“I had boyfriends, I had friends, I even had friends with benefits but none of that were ever like you and me” she finally put it out too. “So, this is new for me too”

He was too overwhelmed and she was able to see that very clear, her heart ached.

“We can be more than friends but we will always be friends first, okay? You don’t have to worry about that”

“I don’t want to lose you” he whispered, afraid of saying it aloud like it was tempting fate.

“You won’t, never.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

“Okay" he breathed in and out, but it wasn't over for him. "So, are we more than friends now? What is that mean?”

"What do you want it to mean?" she smiled at him. "What do you want us to be? What do you want me to be?"

"You know…"

"I don't."

She wanted him to say it but he wasn't brave enough.

"I already said it, I want you to be mine" he murmured, barely moving his lips.

"So you want me to be your Raquel?" she joked.

He grinned. "That sounds good to me."

She bit her lip, holding a smile. "And will you be my Sergio?"

He nodded with enthusiasm. She wanted him to be hers too? What did he do to deserve that? He was so lucky.

"Okay. Breathe now."

"Right" and he focused on breathing.

He said what he wanted to say, or at least some, enough for her to be his now. He survived that and now she was his.

After a while he was calm again and he finally felt the excitement all over his body. Christmas came early for him and that was the best day ever. He was so happy he wanted to cry, but he would do that later, preferably without company.

He laughed and she laughed with him.

He walked to her but he stopped before touching her.

“Don’t hold it” she said.

And he kissed her. Her kisses tasted better knowing he was the only one that was getting them. He wanted every kiss her mouth could give.

“I know I said I don’t want every kiss to lead to sex but… I would really like it if it does right now” he said against her lips.

She smiled. “Okay”

“Yes?”

“Yes” and groaned in surprise when he lifted her in his arms.

*

“Raquel, are you okay?” he asked softly.

Sergio lied on his side, looking at her, for five entire minutes before saying that. He felt it too, but now she was exaggerating.

It wasn’t different: they already had sex in those two positions before, they already had rough sex in those positions too. They already did that but it felt different.

They were loud, that was new. Before they were never louder than the noise that their skin crashing together made or the sound of headboard against the wall. Now they were loud enough to scare Stockholm away from the room.

He knew he felt different because he was in peace with his feelings now. But what changed for her? He saw how long her orgasm was, she came before him and kept coming even after he did. And apparently was a good one, for a moment he was scared she was having a convulsion.

He didn’t do any new things. She had to be exaggerating.

“I’m okay” she whispered.

Raquel couldn’t think before, her brain wasn’t working properly and she took some time to come back, she had to force herself to come back. She was okay but she could still feel it between her legs.

“Wow” she sighed.

He laughed. “I know.”

“Wow” she laughed.

With a hand on her cheek, he turned her head to kiss her.

He was about to compliment her for being so amazing, when she suddenly said something that left him frozen.

"Why did your brother say that you're asexual? What is that about?"

She knew there was no way he was asexual.

Sergio sighed.

"Do I have to talk about it?"

"Not if you don't want to. You never have to do anything you don't want to."

He smiled and gave her a little kiss on the nose. "Is that reverse psychology?"

She laughed. "No, that is respect. I respect you and if you don’t want to tell me something, I’m not going to force you"

And he laughed.

"I..." he approached her and talked low, like he was telling a secret or was embarrassed of it. "I declared myself asexual when I turned thirty. I really thought I was asexual, you know, before you."

"Why?" she frowned.

"I never felt anything for anyone, I never wanted anyone. I didn't like sex, not even touching people"

"How is it that you like me?"

She knew he liked her. She didn’t understand why, but she knew he liked her.

"Well you are my friend, I love you and I care about you, is different. I never felt the way I feel about you before."

"How did you have sex if you never been attracted to anyone?"

"I don't know if I never felt attracted to anyone, I found a lot of people pretty, it just wasn’t in a 'I want to have sex with them' kind of way."

"But how did you have sex without feeling like wanting to have sex?"

"I just did it” he shrugged. “Remember how I got hard every time we kissed at first? That was only my body, I didn't want it until later"

She panicked.

"I already wanted to when we first had sex" he said for her not to worry and saw how she relaxed immediately. "I was able to do it, I just didn't really like it."

"Yes, I get what you mean" she sighed. "Did you do it a lot of times?"

"I don't know, definitely not much compared to most men."

"Did you ever felt like you were broken or something?"

Sergio thought about it for a few seconds.

"I guess I did. If I would’ve accepted it from the beginning, I wouldn't have had to pass for a lot of unpleasant situations."

"You know you weren't nor are broken, right?" she stroked his cheek.

He smiled. "I know" and kissed her hand.

"So, you started liking sex with me, huh. I'm not gonna lie, that helps a lot to my little ego."

"Well deserved" he put a hand around her waist and stroked her back.

His hand was going lower when she took it away.

"But what about before? Tell me. Body count, things you did. I can't picture you having casual sex."

"It was actually not that hard, I went to some bar and women just threw themselves at me."

She rolled her eyes.

"No, but seriously, you would be surprised by how many single women past their thirties you can find in a bar."

"Wait, thirties? Weren't you already asexual at your thirties?"

"Yes" he already felt his cheeks turning red.

"How old were you sleeping with those women?"

"I was already 21 when I started experimenting, so, don't worry."

"You slept with women ten years older than you?"

"Mainly. Women my age weren’t very interested in me” he said trying to get her to pity him.

When he saw it wasn’t working, he tried something else. “Are you going to tell me you never slept with a man much older than you?"

He had a point.

"So you like older women, huh."

"Are you saying that because of them or because of you? Because I didn't really like them."

She laughed.

“Can we stop talking about it now?” he put his hand on her again and started kissing her neck.

“As if you don’t need more time” she mocked. “Stop, I have more questions.”

“About what?” he whimpered.

“Your brother gave me a lot of new information, we have to talk about it. Like, is it true you were the best of your class always?”

“Does that surprise you?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Smug much?”

He blushed.

“But no, it doesn’t surprise me” and she rolled her eyes at his proud smile.

“Is it true that you got your first job at fifteen?”

“I was about to turn fifteen” he corrected.

“And is it true that you taught Andres to drive?”

He nodded.

“Who taught you?”

“I paid for classes” and he had to add: “And I taught Andres to drive a car, but he taught me to ride a bike and a motorcycle.”

Andres didn’t say those things. He could have bragged about how many things he taught him, but instead talked about how many things Sergio did and taught him. He was like a proud mama, only needed to show her his baby pictures and he was done. Of course he would've done the opposite if he wanted to impress Raquel, but he knew Sergio liked her so preferred to make him look well.

“You know how to ride a motorcycle?” her eyes widened and he laughed. “That was your mistake. You would've attracted more women your age with the motorcycle instead of the car!”

“I attracted you with the car” he tried to kiss her but she turned her head.

“What about the dresses he said you used to wear?”

“We are done talking” he climbed over her and kissed her before she could keep talking.

She was still very sensitive and he needed more time, so they just kissed for a few minutes. He didn’t want to stop but she was so curious, and not in the way he liked.

“You’ve worn dresses?” she asked against his lips.

He sighed and lay down next to her again.

“Are you going to tell me you never worn dresses?” he tried the same strategy but it didn’t work.

“Not saying it’s wrong, but even now it's still controversial.”

“It wasn’t dresses” he clarified. “When I was little, after my mom died, I used to take her clothes and put it on to feel her close. It was mostly shirts, but were bigger and they fit like dresses.”

She smiled fondly. Suddenly she let herself think, only for a second, that that was why he basically stole her oversize shirt, because he wanted to feel her close when he wears it.

“My brother always laughed at me and my dad told me it was okay as long as I never worn it outside. And then in hospital he didn’t say anything but I always heard him whispering ‘it was his mother's’ to the doctors. I never understand what was the problem but since apparently was wrong, I stopped doing it.”

She was hatting the two of them and every person on earth that made them think that way.

“But luckily, I never thrown her clothes away and when I understood that it wasn’t wrong, I started wearing them again. I still have a lot of clothes that were hers and my dad’s too. You know the t-shirt you said wasn’t my type of shirt, the one with the rolling stones logo?”

She nodded.

“That was his. And I have a lot of my mom’s too, but I never worn them in front of you because I was embarrassed” he admitted with his cheeks red.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, you can wear whatever you want in front of me, in front of anyone. You said you understood it wasn’t wrong.”

“It’s different. I don’t judge but I could never be the one doing it, it draws a lot of attention.”

“So, instead of being the one doing the change you will just wait to enjoy the benefits when it’s done.”

He seemed ashamed of it. “Are you disappointed of me?”

“No, I understand, I’m like you in a lot of ways” she scratched her fingertips through his beard. “Let’s just pretend everything if okay in here, between you and me, like the world is perfect and no one will judge us for doing anything. You can be yourself with me, you can use a dress if you want.”

He smiled. “I don’t think I could use any dress anyway, not without pants at least, I would feel exposed.”

She smiled. “I bet you would look amazing.”

“I prefer leaving the dresses to you” he kissed her nose again. “I wanted to give you one of my mom’s for your birthday” and leaned his forehead against hers.

“But you couldn’t?”

“No, is not that. I just thought… It would be weird taking it off you to have sex.”

Raquel gave him a shock look. “So you were planning on taking it off me from the beginning.”

“I’m a man after all, Raquel, I’m not perfect.”

She laughed and shook her head.

“I could still give you some of her dresses.”

“Why would you? I won’t use them.”

“You seemed comfortable with the one I gave you.”

“Because we were alone.”

“It’s cold for you to use them outside anyway.”

“Okay” she smiled.

He wanted to kiss her again but there were more questions. He let out a loud sigh when she stopped him for the third time but she just laughed and kept asking things.

She knew him a lot more that night and had to thank Andres for that.

Finally, she couldn’t remember anything else and he took advantage of that, he didn’t let her thinking for a second.

They did it one last time that night. Slower, lazily. Doing it like that, looking in each other’s eyes, whispering ‘I love you’ against each other’s lips, smiling lovingly; that was special too. Not mind-blowing like the first fuck earlier that night, but special.

They were about to fall asleep when Raquel felt like she should say something personal too. She didn’t actually feel like she should, but there was something she wanted to tell him for a long time.

"Sergio?" she whispered.

"Mm?"

"I don't have any friends."

"What are you saying? You have me" he got closer to her and kissed her shoulder.

"You know what I mean" she lowered her gaze, embarrassed.

He sighed. "I... I suspected that, since I never met them and you always have time for me. But you know, you never met my brother until today and he existed so... I suppose I shouldn't have thought that."

"I don't have any friends" she repeated, shaking her head. "I had. The people I told you about, they were my friends, but not anymore."

"Why didn't you just tell me that?"

"I didn't want you to think I'm lonely."

"I wouldn't have thought that" he made her look at him, lifting her head to him with a finger on her chin. "There's a difference between being lonely and being alone."

"I know."

"Were you lonely then?"

She took a minute; she knew the answer but she didn't want to admit it.

"Yes. I was lonely for a long time before I met you."

"So you're not lonely anymore?"

She shook her head. She forgot how loneliness felt when she met him.

"Sorry I lied to you."

"It's okay, just don't do it anymore. You can tell me anything. You know that, right?" he grabbed her hand and entwined their fingers. "I love you, Raquel. If I can do anything for you to never feel lonely again, I will do it."

"Thank you" she said with a broken voice and trembling lips. Tears made her eyes look bright in the darkness of the room.

He sighed: “Come here”, and hugged her.

"I'm okay, sorry" she chuckled as she tried to push him away.

"Let me, please. It's for me, I just want to hug you."

She didn't need him to say more, just wrapped her arms around him so tight in need. She knew it wasn't just for him, she knew he was saying that not to make her feel more vulnerable when she was trying to play cold.

She let out a couple tears after that but she was so tired she fell asleep before she could apologize for it.

*

Andres was knocking her door at 10am, an amused smile displayed on his face when it was his brother who opened the door.

"Don't act like you didn't know that I was here" Sergio raised a hand to stop him from saying anything and let him in.

"Very good morning, lovebirds" he said.

Raquel chuckled, trying not to care about the word, but her red cheeks exposed her. She saw Sergio was blushed too but he seemed to be used to it.

"Morning, Andres" Raquel said. "Want a cup of coffee?"

"I thought we were grabbing some out."

"We will. One cup is never enough, don't you agree?" she said pouring some in a cup for him.

They drank in silence but he kept looking at the two of them and it was making her uncomfortable.

"Sergio told me you were the one that ruined Papá Noel to him."

"He was practically asking for an entire library for himself when he couldn't even read very well yet. And we didn't have any money, he needed to face reality."

"I was four!"

"Did he tell you that he cried?" Andres laughed at him.

"I cried when I found out too and I was nine" she put a hand on Sergio's back and ran it up and down.

He laughed at her too.

Ten minutes later, Raquel and Andres they were leaving.

"Why don't you come? You don't have to get his present?"

"Do you even know him?" Andres asked but they ignored him.

"I got it when I got your birthday present. I never leave a task for the last moment."

"Of course" she smiled and kissed his cheek.

"I'm going home to shower, but I can come back after, make you lunch?"

Raquel couldn't answer.

"Don't bother, cariño. We will probably eat out" Andres said. "Can we go now?"

"See you" she said as Sergio kissed her cheek.

  
  


Raquel thought Andres wanted to interrogate her or something, maybe threaten her not to hurt his brother. But no, he acted like it wasn't weird to go shopping with a person he just met. He did ask questions about her life, but just stuff to get to know her, and told her a lot about himself too.

She tried not to think it much but she ended up asking anyway.

"Why did you really wanted me come with you? You clearly know what Sergio wants more than I do" she pointed at the two books he had in his hands.

She would have never thought Sergio could like those books, but she was sure of it now. And Andres bought other things for him before, didn't consult with her once, he knew his brother.

"Sergio didn't have anyone other than me before, now he has you. You’re my brother's new family and that means you're my family too, right? I'm not going to stay much so I think we should try to get to know each other while I'm here."

Raquel knew she should have focus on the 'know each other' part, but he said she was Sergio's family! How could she think about something else after hearing that?

"Right."  
  
In the end, she was the one asking him for help.

"Raquel, I'm full of bags and you bought nothing yet" he said after leaving another store.

"I know, I just don't know. What do you think I should get him?"

Andres looked around to the stores and when he smiled at one place, she looked too. Quickly glanced at him, mouth and eyes wide opened.

She was about to send him to hell when he put a hand in the air as sign for her not say it.

"Save it. Insults don’t hurt me if come from family."

*

They were talking about a girl he flirted with in that last store when they entered to Sergio's apartment.

"Maybe she doesn't mind if you join us, I know I don't" he said and Raquel laughed.

"Andres" Sergio said and they both looked at him.

"And here's where the fun ends" he said. "Raquel, it was pleasure to share it with you."

She said nothing, just approached Sergio to give him his kiss. She meant to kiss his cheek but he turned his face and ended up kissing his lips. She quickly looked to where Andres was but he was busy looking for something in his bags and when she looked back at Sergio, he didn't seem scared of his brother seeing them, he even passed an arm around her waist to pull her closer. Apparently, it was intentional.

What's got into him? She didn't really care, she had zero problem with it.

"How was shopping?"

"It was fine. It can be fun when you shop with an adult" she mocked him.

"That's the adult?" he pointed at Andres.

He was sat on the floor, trying to get the tree to stay up.

"Hey, what do you have there?" Sergio asked him.

"We bought you a tree. Where are you supposed to put the presents if you don't have a tree? For years you've been saying you will get one and you never do" he looked at them and smiled when he saw them hugged. "I wanted to get a bigger one but there wasn't any left. You should see the height of the one Raquel bought, it's not taller than my foot" he said laughing. "Hey, are you two going to help me here?"

They both sat with Andres to decorate the tree.

“We are in our forties, right?" Sergio asked, finding stupid the situation.

"I guess I could say that next year when you complain about not getting a present."

"The presents part is different than the tree part."

"You would really complain if you don't get a present?" Raquel asked him smiling.

"If I buy him one, he has to buy me one."

"That's not how it works, Sergio. You don't give only expecting to receive."

"I know, I know."

When they were finish, they got up from the floor.

"So, Raquel, what are you doing for Christmas?"

Raquel looked for Sergio's gaze to ask for help but he wasn't looking at her. She knew he wanted to know too.

"I don't know. Drink some wine and watch a movie I guess."

"You're not going to see your family?"

Raquel shook her head.

"Wait, you're going to be alone?"

"Andres."

"It's not that bad" Raquel chuckled.

"No way. If you're going to be alone, better come with us, we going to be alone too. You come and we'll be three."

"I don't know..." she looked at Sergio again but he still wasn't looking at her.

Did he want her to join them or not?

"It wasn't a question."

Raquel raised an eyebrow and Andres felt intimidated for the first time in years.

"You say something, dumbass!" he slapped Sergio's arm.

Sergio finally looked at her.

"You can come if you want" he murmured, feeling nervous. "I would like it if you do. You should come."

Of course he wanted her to come but he didn’t dare to ask before. He had to thank his brother for that, if she said no, he wouldn't be embarrassed by her rejection.

But she didn’t reject the invitation. "Okay."

  
  


Luckily for Sergio, Andres and Raquel seemed to be getting along. He didn’t know if they did it for him though, sometimes it looked like Raquel could kill him. Sergio was glad they stand each other and were able to be in the same room together at least. It was like a dream come true for him, the two people he loved the most, the only people he loved, were with him at the same time and he never felt more loved.

It was also the first time he and Raquel were with someone else, interacting with someone else being together. It was interesting, he thought he would feel inhibited and wouldn’t be able to treat Raquel the way he was used to, but he was fine. His brother made fun of him, obviously, but he didn’t care.

It was the first time he saw Raquel actually talking with someone and she was different. She didn’t talk to his brother the same way she talked to him, she didn’t look at his brother the same way she looked at him, she didn’t smile at his brother the same way she smiled at him. He was so ready to take his heart out of his chest and hand it to her, literally now, because metaphorically she already had his heart for a long time. It was also a delight to see her when she was talking and wasn’t paying any attention to him. She was so beautiful. And she was his.

  
  


The first time they went out together after their talk, Raquel grabbed his hand when they walked. He stopped and looked at their entwined hands.

“Oh, sorry. You don’t like that?” she released him immediately.

“No, is not that. I don’t know, I’ve never done it.”

Andres, who was walking in front of them, looked back. “Are you two coming or what?”

“We don’t have to do that” she walked behind Andres.

“No, no” he followed her. “I’m sorry, it just surprised me. I don’t think I dislike it, can I try again?”

She gave him a confused look but offered him her hand anyway. He took it and watched their hands together as he entwined their fingers. Walked like that for a moment.

“It’s nice” he smiled.

She chuckled and shook her head.

It felt right for him. It felt amazing actually, it was like screaming to people that she was his and he wanted to literally scream the words. He walked with such confidence and smiling proudly. He couldn’t believe it until that exact moment.

  
  


She was his and he became more aware of that every day. He was allowed to kiss her whenever he wanted and he took advantage of that. He slept in her bed and he didn’t want to get up ever again. Since they woke up next to each other with the same alarm, they didn’t brush their teeth before a good morning kiss and he even loved her morning breath. They hugged more too, not only when something happened, they just hugged because they wanted it; like when they watched a movie or lay down lazily on the couch. She became a little more vocal than she was in bed, as if she was embarrased of it before. And she started talking a lot more too, telling him things about herself, complimenting him more than usual, simply communicating with him more.

And all of that happened only in three days. He sometimes thought he wouldn’t survive until the end of the year; he was about to explode because his body was too small for so much happiness to fit in it.

Christmas finally arrived and he never loved it that much, he was feeling like a kid excited for everything. The only new thing was that Raquel was with them but it changed everything for him. He was smiling so much even his brother had to tell him to calm down.

But the best part, the memorable part, was much later that night.

He was in bed waiting for Raquel to come back from the bathroom. He was planning to sleep, but when Raquel came back with his bathrobe on and a playful smile on her face, he knew they weren’t getting any sleep.

She closed the door and leaned against it, “I didn’t see Andres outside, where did he go?”

“He had a Christmas date remember?”

“Well isn’t that convenient?” she slowly approached the bed.

“For him or for us?” he asked and smiled when she smiled. “What is under the robe, Raquel?” it was killing him not knowing if she was wearing something or not.

“Your present” she put her hands together behind her back. “I think you’ll like it. Why don’t you come and open it?”

Sergio never got up so fast.

*

For the first time in two years, Raquel cried on Christmas, but it was a happy cry. It was literally the best Christmas in years and she delightedly showed Sergio how happy he made her.

It was like a break for her. A break from the confusion she was living in.

Raquel was feeling more insecure than ever. She didn't know how to act or what to do. She didn't know before but it was different, he just wanted her body, but what now? He wanted her, all of her he said. What was all of her? She already gave him all of her free time, her body and in some way her mind, all that he wanted she gave it to him. It was weird, sometimes she didn't know if she wanted something or not, it was like she would want it after knowing he wanted it. Raquel didn't know what she wanted anymore, not that she ever did, it was easier to be told what to do or say. But Sergio wanted _her_ , what did he mean? He already had her, all of her, she didn't have anything left to give him. She didn't have much, all that she had was her body and she gave it to him every time he asked for it, even if he didn't ask for it, she would give it to him anyway just in case he wanted it.

What else? Did he want her entirely for himself? Like, have her in his apartment 24 hours a day? He already said he liked to have his own space and she was afraid to ask. She would do it though, leave her job and her house and follow him like a lapdog wherever he went. But he didn't want that, she knew him, that was actually her, she wanted that. It would be so easy: to get up when told, to eat when and what told, to shower when told, to wear what told, to speak when told and say what told, to think as told. She knew anyone would get bored of that eventually but she could change if needed.

What the hell did he mean with wanting her for himself? She already belonged to him, but she knew she wasn't enough, what was her? Nothing. Her body was older every day, she wasn't smart enough, not compared to him. What could he want from her? He could do so much better. Was she actually some kind of experiment? Or an act of charity? Was he trying to give _her_ something? No, he wasn't like that, she knew him. She knew him, didn't she?

Eventually she stopped thinking and limited herself to do. If he wanted her to think he would explicitly ask her to. If she did something wrong, he would tell her too.

Raquel enjoyed being his, doing whatever he wanted her to do, she wanted to please him after all.

And even through all the confusion and the doubts, she was feeling happy. He made her happy.

*

It was after they got rid of Andres after New Year, in a very spontaneous trip to Portugal, that they made it official.

They were doing it like dogs in heat all week, happier and hornier that ever. Then all of the sudden, the last night before going back home, he was kissing every inch of her body when a doubt didn't let him continue.

"Raquel?"

"What?" she asked breathing fast.

"You being my Raquel means you're my girlfriend, right?"

She smiled. "Yes, Sergio. I'm your girlfriend."

"And I am your boyfriend and we are together?”

“Yes.”

“Good" he sighed.

It was clear and he was calm again. Well, calm as he could possibly be while he had her naked with her legs opened under him.

"Now be a good boyfriend and go back to what you were doing, please."

"Right, of course.”


	14. I am with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, happy new year! Wishing all the best for you!💚
> 
> Second, thank you so much for all the comments on the last chapter! I'm really glad you liked it, it made me so happy💖
> 
> And lastly, at this point I have to admit that I'm just putting a bunch of parts together for each chapter and it may seem like rushed or just senseless. I read myself before posting and I cringe so bad, but I try not to let that get me because otherwise I will delete this and desappear from the world.  
> By the way, to remind you that english isn't my first language so, sorry for all the horrible spelling and grammatical mistakes!

_February, 2018._

Raquel already had her brows furrowed when she opened the door.

"What are you doing here?" she asked barely sneaking her head not to open the door much.

"Breakfast" he said, confused by her question.

"My father is here” she reminded him.

Her sister called her, just two days before, talking to her with a voice that she thought would never hear again that was the voice Laura made when she wanted something from her older sister.

It never worked before, but Raquel wasn’t as hard as she used to.

"I know, I brought extra donuts" he smiled, lifting the box. “You didn’t make breakfast already, did you?” he said looking at the time in his watch.

She frowned with her lips closed tight.

"What? He doesn't like donuts? Is he like me? I know it isn’t very healthy but it can’t hurt to have it for breakfast once in a while, we have it."

The worse part for Raquel was that he didn’t seem to be kidding.

"I bought myself a muffin too, I can give it to him” he suggested. “Are you going to let me in?”

Instead of doing that, she came out and closed the door.

“Sergio, I’m only going to give you ten seconds to think about this” she crossed her arms.

Raquel saw how he took it as a challenge and he stayed still with a concentration face.

“Oh!” he said in what Raquel counted as four seconds. “Sorry, didn’t know it was such a big deal for you.”

“Wait. What? No, it isn’t.”

“Then what is the problem?”

She looked into his eyes trying to understand him. Clearly, they weren’t talking about the same thing.

“Do you want to meet my father?”

“Yes?” he said looking at her carefully, not knowing what he was supposed to say.

“Do you, Sergio, want to meet my father?” she asked again, as a way of telling him that it was his choice.

“I slept alone last night, Raquel. I just want to have breakfast with you and if your father is there, I don’t mind. It’s not like we kiss while we eat, never again after that time you burped in my mouth.”

She let her arms fell asides her and gave him an upset look for bringing that up. “It wasn’t a burp!”

“Right, it wasn’t. Are you going to let me in or not? You don’t have to say I’m your boyfriend if that’s what’s worrying you so much.”

“I’m not worried, I really don’t care” she said opening the door and coming in with him walking behind her.

Raquel let him introduce himself. He just said his name, not her friend or boyfriend, just Sergio Marquina.

After a few minutes while she saw them talking so much, she began so suspect that Sergio was there for her, not because of breakfast or because he missed her, but because he knew she wasn’t very well with her dad and was just trying to save her from a bad time. He made it, even if it wasn’t his intention. He was the one doing the talking, actually completely ignoring her and fully into the conversation with her father. She looked at them amused and kind of disgusted by how alike they were while they talked. If anyone saw them, they would think they were family and not she and her dad.

When Raquel announced that they had to go, Sergio offered them a ride and she held back not to kissing him so much.

In the car they kept talking and Raquel was the calmest she had been since she saw her father at the train station early that morning. But they arrived to the hospital and she knew her calmness was ending.

Her father said goodbye to Sergio and got out saying he would wait at the entrance.

“How are you doing?” Sergio asked once they were alone.

“I’m fine” she nodded and Sergio just had to stare at her for a few seconds to take the truth out of her. “It’s a little uncomfortable but it’s fine, really.”

“Are you nervous?”

“About him going to the doctor? No, it’s just routine. Though he hasn’t done it in years, I’m sure he is very healthy.”

“Remind me why couldn't he do it in Toledo, or Barcelona with his other children.”

Sergio hated every little thing that could cause her discomfort and that was discomforting her.

“His doctor transferred here. That’s the reason why he hasn’t done it. And don’t start telling me that is better if you always see the same doctor, it is unnecessary and stupid” she said holding a hand in the air and he laughed.

“You should go. And I should too” he said watching at the time.

“Thank you for this” she looked at him with a thankful look and he smiled, put a hand on her knee and squeezed it.

“No problem, mate.”

She giggled at another of his attempts to give her an affectionate but not cheesy name. “Come here, I need a kiss” she said unfastening the seat belt.

Sergio leaned in, stroked her cheeks and kissed her, very excited all of the sudden.

He wouldn’t have minded to keep kissing her all morning but Raquel pulled away.

“That was great, thank you” she licked her lips.

“Any time.”

She chuckled. “Have a good day” said getting out of the car.

“You too.”

Sergio left only after she looked back and waved at him.

“He is more than a friend, isn’t he?” her father asked, a little smiled on his face.

She didn’t know what it meant but answered, not caring about it.

“Yes.”

And that was the first time she said it to someone other than Stockholm. It didn’t feel better than that time.

She always thought that the parents meeting the boyfriend was really important, that was why she only introduced them after being together for longer than six months and if she felt really in love. She was really in love with Sergio, like never before, they were together for less than two months but she was ready to marry him if he asked for it. But it didn’t feel important to introduce him to her father. She thought it might be because her father wasn’t as important as it used to be for her, if it would've been her mother, she would've felt more excited for it.

Raquel wished Sergio to stay with them for the rest of the day, she knew he would've done it but she couldn’t ask for that. They talked a little, about Laura and Dani, her nieces, work. Raquel saw his face, he was dying to talk about themselves, to talk about all the things they weren’t talking about, all the reasons they weren’t talking to each other as they used to.

He tried. He brought up the Alberto thing, asking how was she with all that. “I'm over it and glad Laura left him” was the only thing she said and he stopped talking.

Then he tried to talk about her mother. “Over it too” she said. They already talked about it when they had to. “We are good, dad” she patted his hand. That was the first time she touched him in years, that was the first time she called him dad in years, it felt weird. It was the first time she called him anything actually.

It broke her heart seeing how much he was trying and not being able to talk to him, not being able to talk about Sergio or how she got Stockholm, how really was work going, how really was her life going. She missed him but couldn’t do anything about it.

She made him questions instead, showing him that she was interested in how his life was going, showing him that she still cared about him even though she couldn’t talk to him.

  
  


At night Sergio showed up at her apartment again, but didn’t let her say anything this time.

He kissed her as soon as she opened the door and pushed her against the wall.

“Three days is a lot of time” he said against her mouth. “How did that even happened?” and kissed her again as he tried to undress her.

“Sergio!” she pushed him away and looked inside. “He’s still here” she whispered.

“I thought you said he wasn’t staying for the night.”

“It’s late. He’s sleeping in the couch and leaving in the morning.”

“Isn’t he kind of old to sleep in the couch?”

“Is also a bed, remember? You bought it.”

And they moved from the doorway when he came out of the bathroom.

“Have you two had dinner?” Sergio asked, uncomfortable now because his boner didn’t completely disappear yet.

  
  


In the morning, when Raquel said goodbye to her father, he hugged her.

She was surprised by it because she was thinking on doing it and she didn’t dare. But he did it for her, she just hugged him back, patting his back.

She smiled at him genuinely for the first time in years.

She felt finally in peace with every family member she had left, or at least every family member she cared about.

And she went through all that day holding back a smile.

*

  
  


“Raquel? Do you think we are going to find each other in our next life? Maybe in heaven or hell?”

Neither of them could sleep, it was early. Raquel was trying, with her back to him. Sergio was looking at the ceiling, thinking.

“What makes you think we are going to the same place? What if you go to heaven and I go to hell?”

“I don’t actually believe in heaven or hell. I don’t think there is a place for each person, just one place for everyone.”

She turned around to look at him. “I thought you were the kind of person who believes there’s nothing when you die.”

“I started believing in heaven when I met you” he said looking serious.

She let out a loud laugh and he laughed too.

“I am that kind of person. I’m just saying no one really knows.”

She sighed.

“And I really like to think that there is something and we could be afterlife mates.”

After a few minutes of silence, he looked at her thinking she fell asleep, but she didn’t. Raquel stayed quiet and he knew she was thinking of her. Every time they talked about death or heaven, she thought of her. He hated himself for a moment for bringing up those topics.

“Maybe I can meet her there.”

Raquel smiled. “I’d like that.”

“And you’re going to have two people to receive you when it’s your turn.”

She laughed. “As if you’re going to die before I do, please.”

He chuckled. “I hope so, I don’t think I could live in a world without you anymore.”

She rolled her eyes, shaking her head.

“How was she? You never told me much.”

“She was the best mom in the world. So kind and loving. The funniest person I ever met. And the smarter too, at least emotionally, she was normal book smart, she didn’t really like reading.”

Sergio’s mouth opened in fake shook and disappointment, but Raquel didn’t laugh.

“She would be really disappointed of me” she said quietly.

“Because you read?”

She chuckled. “Yes, because I read.”

She got closer to him and leaned her forehead against his. He thought she was going to say something but she made a question instead.

“How was your mom?”

Sergio sighed.

“I didn’t know her much because she died when I was really little. For the pictures you can tell she was really pretty. My father always said she was the best person he ever met, and the strongest. For him it was very important that I know that.”

When he stayed quiet, she noticed he was thinking of something. She didn’t know if she should ask or change the subject.

Finally, she changed the subject.

"Who was your favorite parent?"

"I didn't have a favorite parent. Wouldn't that be wrong?"

"It's not wrong, everyone has a favorite parent, just like every parent has a favorite child."

"Do _you_ have a favorite parent?"

"My mom" she said very sure.

"That was quick."

"I thought of this before. Now you tell me" he didn't want to and she could see that. "I promise I won't tell anyone. Come on, say it quietly."

He got closer to her and whispered it in her hear.

"I knew it!"

"It's not that I didn't love my mom is just... my father was there you know, still his very last. My mother was too but it was different, I was too little, I can barely remember her. And my father was there when I got sick and he manage to make me laugh even when I was in so much pain that I wanted to die."

She ran a hand through his hair and stroked his cheek.

"I'm glad you had your dad when all that happened."

“Me too” he smiled. "Did you ever... wish it was your dad who died?"

"A lot of times. Is that bad?"

He shook his head. "I wish I died and my dad lived" he got closed to her and started whispering again. "Do you know that ethic problem, with the train?"

"The one with one person on one track and five people on the other?"

He nodded. "I would save my father if he was the one being alone" he confessed and looked ashamed of it. She wanted to kiss him all over his face so bad. "I don't know the other people, what if they are really bad?"

She laughed. "You are trying to feel better and justify yourself killing five people" she finally gave him a little kiss. "Call me selfish or a bad person but I wouldn't care if the other people are good or bad, I'd save my mom a hundred times."

"Really?"

She nodded.

"I feel better for thinking that way now."

She smiled. "So you're capable of killing five people for the people you love, I think most of the people would choose that."

"I would’ve chosen my father and my mother. I would choose my brother" and whispered again: "I would choose you."

She felt her heart warm. She wasn’t sure if all of that was okay though.

"You are my person, my favorite and only person right now, I would kill not five but a hundred people for you" she could see his eyes lit up. "But I'm sorry, I love and miss my mom so much that would kill _you_ for bringing her back" she said laughing.

He laughed too. "I love my father but I wouldn't kill you for bringing him back."

God, she felt so much love for him.

"I guess I love my mother more than you love your father" she said proud like she won a competition.

"I guess I love you more than you love me" he said bringing her closer with a hand on her back.

"That's not fair" she murmured feeling his erection when she passed a leg around his waist and he started kissing her jaw.

He didn’t take it too far though, he wanted to keep talking.

"You sounded so sure when you chose your mother over your father. I'm sure your mother was awesome but shouldn't it be hard to choose? Is your dad bad? He didn’t look like it."

“No, he isn’t bad. I used to prefer him over my mom when I was little, but growing up I just saw he was human and imperfect.”

Sergio seemed curious and she felt she had to talk to him even though she didn’t want to. What if he didn’t agree with her?

“When my mom was diagnosed, she told him it was okay if he wanted to go, that she would understand. Me and my sister told him to go if he wanted to, because if he stayed he had to stay until the end and we wouldn’t forgive him if he walked away when it got hard. But he walked away when it got hard.”

His eyebrows furrowed and she didn’t know what he was thinking.

“My mom forgot about us but never forgot about him, never stopped asking for him. She never forgot him and he still walked away.”

He shook his head. “I don’t understand. Why did he do that if she didn’t forget him?”

“She was a big responsibility” she sighed. “I’m not mad at him anymore, I understand. I hated that he didn’t leave when my mom told him, I hated that he waited, but I understand. I just never saw him the way I used to again, the idea of him changed completely for me.”

“I’d still be mad, he was an asshole.”

She laughed. She was relieved he understood her point of view.

She kissed him as a thank you.

After that, they hugged for a bit and then tried to sleep. Raquel felt she was finally falling asleep when he talked again.

“Andres told me his father used to hit my mother” he whispered.

Raquel stopped breathing for a second.

So that was what he was thinking before.

She thought of playing asleep but she didn’t need to say anything for him to keep talking and it would feel so bad not to say something. It was a very delicate subject for her and she didn’t want to think those things happened to anyone other than her.

“He said he saw it since ever, until he and my mother left him.”

She opened her eyes. “Did he try to stop them?” she asked.

“I don’t know, I never asked.”

Raquel stroked his cheek and then moved her hand to caress the back of his neck. “How old were you when he told you that?”

“Fourteen. My father was four months dead and Andres was drunk when he told me.”

Raquel didn’t know what to say. That’s what he would feel if she told him about her?

“He was twenty and had to assume the responsibility of his younger brother, he was tired. He never asked for it, he could've leave me and keep living his life but he had no choice.”

“If he stayed was because he wanted” she said but he wasn’t looking at her. “Sergio, please.”

“It’s okay, we already talked about it, we are fine” he shook his head. “It’s just… Sometimes I can’t help but feeling like I ruined his life.”

“You didn’t.”

“I know” he sighed. “It had a happy ending though. After that, I got a job and started taking care of myself more so he was free to do what he wanted. We stopped being like a son and a dad to be brothers, like a team.”

Raquel smiled softly.

“And my mother was happy too” he said with a half smiled. “She left that son of a bitch, then met my dad and I was born. The three of us loved her a lot. Andres said she became a whole a new person and was really happy."

He grabbed her hand, entwined their fingers and squeezed it. She seemed moved for what he was saying and he loved her for caring.

"She had a family that loved her. You know, I think that's necessary. I can't imagine how a woman recovers from something like that being completely alone. They should have someone who loves them, someone to tell them they deserve a lot more."

He realized she was crying and that he didn’t like.

"Hey" he frowned and wiped her tears.

"I'm sorry" she laughed. "I'm just... so sorry your mom had to go through something like that. And that your brother saw it"

"It's okay. My mom got to be really happy and Andres is fine too."

She smiled and hugged him, just to hide her face for him not to see her cry. She made an effort and stopped a minute later. She wanted to make love to him to make him forget about she crying but she thought it wasn’t right after he told her that. She was uncomfortable, she wanted to drew the attention away from her. He was talking about him, her mother, his family. Why was she getting the attention? She felt so selfish.

“It affected him more than me. I wasn’t even here when it happened. I just wanted to tell you because you asked me how my mom was and that was something important about her because she didn’t just survive that, she fought against it too. She really cared about it, she helped a lot of other women in that situation.”

Raquel smiled, feeling like crying again, but she refrained from it. “Sounds like your mom was an incredible woman.”

“She was” he said, and added with a smile: “Don’t know if more incredible than yours though.”

Raquel chuckled. “Oh, she wished.”

He laughed. “Let’s say they both were incredible. We shouldn’t compare them.”

“You’re right.”

After that, Raquel turned around and pulled from his arms for him to spoon her. Sergio found that weird, they usually gave each other space to sleep, sometimes they woke up cuddling but they didn’t fall asleep like that.

He didn’t mind though.

Just a few minutes later, she started crying. He felt it, she was shaking a little.

He held her closer and whispered in her ear: “Are you alright?”

“Yes” she sighed. “Just a little cold.”

He covered her better with the blanket and hugged her again, tighter than before.

She couldn’t help it and sobbed loudly, to the point she couldn’t hide it anymore.

“Would you like to talk?”

She was crying because of Sergio's mom, because of Sergio, because of herself, and because all that talk about their mothers made her miss her mom even more. But she felt embarrassed of each part, so she shook her head.

“Just hug me, please. Let’s try to sleep.”

He kissed the back of her neck and squeezed her in his arms.

They fell asleep just a few minutes after she stopped.

  
  


In the morning, Sergio woke up feeling like he was being pushed off the bed. When he opened his eyes, Raquel was pulling from the sheet under him to take it off.

"Get up and give me your pants too" she growled, clearly in a mood.

He quickly got up but he was still a little asleep to understand. She was wrapped in her bathrobe and had her hair wet. He was confused; she always showered after him while he made breakfast, she took the opportunity to sleep a few more minutes while he showered.

“Sergio, your pants!” she asked again.

When he saw the blood on the sheets, he got it. He looked at his pants and there was a little blood on it too.

He quickly took it off. "Good morning" he said handing it to her.

He didn't understand why he said that in that moment, he could’ve literally said it two seconds earlier or two seconds after. He didn't mean it like that. He should've stayed quiet.

She glowered at him. "Get in the shower. I’ll wash this" she said getting out of the bedroom, holding the sheets and his pants.

Sergio guessed it could've been worse.

He remained standing there, still waking up.

So she got her period, that had to be the reason she let herself cry in front of him the night before. He did a mental calculation and frowned; it came early. He had to ask her what was that about after.

"ARE YOU IN THE SHOWER?" she shouted.

His eyes widened and he finally moved.

When he came out and went to the kitchen to make breakfast, she was sat, still in her robe, with her brows furrowed as she stared at the mug in her hands.

He didn’t say much, not really knowing what to do. He was sure that if she was like that was because of the blood everywhere, she would’ve been normal if that wouldn’t have happened. Raquel didn’t usually get in a mood because of her period, she got in a mood because of other things but not because of her period. She was less patient and easier to irritate when she was on her period but never really in a bad mood.

Sergio was a little uncomfortable. Normally she would lock herself in her room or leave his apartment if she was there, but now they had to have breakfast before work. He thought of leaving her alone but was she going to eat something if he didn’t make her breakfast? He wasn’t sure. And she was on her period, she had to eat.

He acted normal but quietly, trying not to bother her. She tried not to take it out on him. Neither of them succeeded.

Before leaving, he kissed her cheek and wished her a good day as every morning, also wanted to tell her she looked pretty but she was in her robe and would’ve probably thought he was making fun of her. He assumed that commenting on her appearance would be wrong not matter how good the comment was.

But not much later that morning, he got a text from her.

Raquel: I'm sorry

And he felt free to say it.

Sergio: You look cute when you are in a mood

Just like that, they forgot about that weird morning. She even asked him to please get her some things on his way home later and that was how he knew she back to normal.

Later that day, they were making out on the couch with their hands everywhere, when he asked:

"Are you in pain?"

“Why? Did you brought me pain killers too?” she teased him.

He ignored that and stared at her, waiting for her to answer.

"No” she finally said.

He looked disappointed and she chuckled.

"Do it anyway” and kissed him again.

He unbuttoned her pants but she noticed he wasn’t as excited as other times.

"Do you like it when I'm in pain?"

"Of course not. I just really like being able to make you feel better” he got his hands inside panties. “What kind of boyfriend would I be if I wanted you to be in pain?”

“I don’t know” she smiled and closed her eyes as she felt his fingers against her. “You seem to enjoy it.”

“I never enjoy your pain, I just enjoy this part.”

Sergio really liked that part and always questioned himself for it. He didn’t want her to be in pain but enjoyed making her feel better if she was. That couldn’t be wrong.

*

Raquel hated how honest and how communicative Sergio was getting. The ease with which he said what he felt even if he didn't know what was it. He was a little dumb when it came to emotions but he wasn't at all dumb when it came to communicate it to her. He would try, hard, to let her know what he was feeling. And it seemed so normal for him he could say literally anything without making it a big deal. Most of the times, sometimes he could be such a drama queen.

Once, she felt him changing of position several times on the couch when they were laying down on opposite sides, as they usually did when they read or just wanted to rest on the couch and weren't in the mood for cuddling.

"Am I bothering you? Do you want me to get up?"

"No, is not you" he said and moved again. "Well, it's you but not this."

She frowned.

"I feel so uncomfortable in myself, it’s like I have some kind of big and ugly monster inside of me."

She held a laugh. "What?"

He sighed. "I'm just beyond overwhelmed I think."

"Why?"

"Because of you."

That wasn't funny.

"Sorry" she apologized and sat up to look at him. “I can go out and leave you alone for a few hours if you want.”

“No. Why should you be the one to leave? This is your house.”

She guessed he was right. "You can go home, you know."

"I don't want to go home!" he turned around to laid on his stomach and hide his face on a cushion. "I want you to stop!"

"What am I doing?"

"You're existing" his voice muffled by the pillow.

That caught her off guard, she didn't know what to think.

"Excuse me?"

"You exist and so I love you, and it's very uncomfortable today."

She sighed with a little smile spreading on her face. "Why is it uncomfortable?"

"Because it's everywhere and it's strong, and I'm just tired" he fake cried. Or Raquel hoped he was faking it. “I feel like I’m going to explode.”

“That could be because you ate a lot today. What was that about by the way?”

“That was anxious eating!” he said angrily. “And you shouldn’t talk about it like that!”

For a second she thought he was actually going to cry. She didn't think when she climbed him and laid over his back.

"That's nice" he whispered.

"I think I know what you’re talking about. Don’t you feel like you need to be squeezed like a sponge?”

“Now you’re comparing me with a sponge.”

She laughed. “Maybe crushing you will work."

"Yes, I think it's working."

She kissed the back of his neck. “It’s okay. I’m with you, I got you. You’re not going to explode.”

He turned his face out of the pillow so he could breathe and sighed: “Thank you.”

Raquel stayed over his back until he fell asleep.

She liked that so much. She hated that he felt that way obviously, but being helpful felt very good.

The next day, he sat with her and explained that maybe he did need to go home and spend some time alone. Since they got together two months before, they never slept alone again except for two or three nights and never more than one in a row, they’ve been stuck together every minute they were free and maybe they could use some space.

She tried not to laugh about how serious he was being, making her sit to talk about it. She didn’t need such explanation, or so she thought. When he left and she was alone again, she thought a lot of it and if he hadn’t explained her what was going on, she would've freaked out. So maybe he being so communicative was good.

  
  


Raquel hated it anyway. She hated to know that if she wasn't so messed up, she would be emotionally smarter than him. For him it was the first time and she in the other hand, had a lot of experience. But it wasn’t being like that, he was learning so fucking fast. He knew when he needed some help to understand things and unfortunately for her, he wasn’t embarrassed of it.

They were at his apartment, stuck together again not even a week after, when he got a package.

She was trying so hard to resist the impulse of checking what it was when he left it unopened on the counter and went to shower. She was curious, he always told her about the things he bought and he didn't tell her about that one.

It was when he came out that he opened it. She was sitting on the couch playing with her phone when she heard him opening it and just casually got up and approached the kitchen area to make herself some coffee. She was a little disappointed when she saw it were books.

"What is it about?" she asked.

"Relationships” he said, but that wasn’t the important part to him. “If you couldn't read the tittles from where you are when you were spying, then you need glasses."

"They are upside down from here!" she already told him she would never need glasses. Then she realized what he said. "Why are you buying that kind of books?" she said laughing.

"I have to be a good partner if I want this to last. I have a lot to learn to be really prepared for anything."

She saw him actually reading the books after that and laughed at him every time, but the man was actually learning and she hated everything. He talked to her about anything he read in the books or told her some stuff just because he was excited by knowing new things. Seeing him like that was nice but he was getting ahead of her and that wasn’t nice.

In the end, he gave her the books for her to read them too. Raquel hated how good they were and how bad they made her feel because she knew she could never be that, they just made her feel more insecure.

She finished them just to know what to say when Sergio made her questions. It was like a test from the professor in him.

Sergio didn't stop with those two books, he read three more of the kind and other three that where more about being individual in a relationship, something he said he had to learn because she wouldn’t want him to be physically stuck to her someday.

In the contrary, Raquel felt like she was moving backwards. She completely forgot how relationships worked. She knew there was not a boss in a relationship, there wasn't someone in charge. Or knew that that was how it was supposed to be. Sergio was in charge of their relationship and she knew that, he probably didn't but she did. She wasn't completely at his mercy, no, but he was just bigger that her, stronger than her, smarter than her, better than her, and it was naturally more than her. That was what happened when a person got with someone superior than them, it was just how it worked. Sergio was leading their relationship, and she was okay with it because she felt like she didn’t know anything anymore.

If there was something Raquel knew was that she loved him. That was the only thing she was entirely sure about.

Sergio told her he loved her _every_ night and she was slowly starting to believe it. It was hard, she didn't trust those words anymore, she knew when she loved and when she didn't, but she could never know when people were being honest when they said 'I love you'. She was told those words after being hurt in a lot of ways before; after being cheated on, after being dumped -Sergio himself did that without knowing-, after being hit, even while she was being hit, while she was told she was nothing and no one else will ever love her. For a long time, she thought those words were bad, that loving someone wasn't nice, but she knew it wasn’t like that. She loved well, she just wasn’t being well loved. Now Sergio was loving her well, or better at least, in a way she liked more; she still couldn't say when love was good or bad, well or wrong. She couldn't even say if it was love, she knew what she felt was love but other people’s love? She could never be sure.

Sergio told her he loved her every morning too, if he didn't wake up in her house, he sent her a message, but he made sure she always heard or read it.

Raquel always thought he was too much for her, that she didn't deserve him. But she started winning a little self-worth, a little confidence, and began to understand that he wasn't _that_ much for her, he was just a little much; or maybe he was that much and she was not so little. She didn't know if they would ever be equals, if she would ever feel she was totally worthy of him, she was hoping she would. He deserved the world and she was too little compared to that.

*

_March._

They were kissing in bed and Sergio was being extra soft and delicate as he was all weekend after the horrendous Friday she had. Raquel was insatiable and he would've preferred her to talk to him instead of that but wasn't complaining. He knew she was probably not okay but didn't know what else to do to make it better, he didn't know what was a boyfriend supposed to do when her girlfriend made a mistake at work that almost cost the life of an innocent man.

He still got goosebumps when he remembered her desperate voice over the phone begging him to come over to where the tent was. He could still feel his heart stopping like when he was escorted to an ambulance after he said that the sub inspector Murillo was waiting for him. He could still feel his heart constricting when he remembered the sight of her with an oxygen mask on her face because she couldn't breathe. He could even feel the anger he felt when he had to stop Alicia from getting into the ambulance; he yelled at her for leaving Raquel alone, saying that Raquel shouldn't be making such decisions, that all of that was her fault. And when she asked him who the fuck he was, he felt even angrier. But the worst part was that she ended up being right, saying that if Raquel would have done something well instead of making a mistake while she was left in charge for less than half an hour, he would’ve been congratulating Raquel and not blaming her. He still didn't let her get into the ambulance and that was the only thing he did well that day.

If Sergio still replayed those entire hours in his head, he couldn't imagine how Raquel's head was. She said she was okay but he was getting more and more convinced that she wasn’t. She wasn't okay and instead of talking about it she was making him horny to get him to fuck her. And he felt he was the worst for doing it and forgetting she might not be okay. But if she didn't want to talk, at least that was making her feel better, right?

"Are you okay?" he asked her when he felt she was less enthusiastic than just five minutes earlier.

“Yes. Please, continue.”

He kept kissing her but it wasn’t feeling right. He felt like he was kissing another person. He felt that during the weekend, not much at first but it was growing little by little. And now was undeniable.

“Are sure you are okay?”

“Yes, a little tired, that’s all. Just do it already, the sooner you start the sooner it ends.”

She didn’t think that straight, she didn’t think before talking. And the worse part, was that she didn’t seem to know what was wrong with what she said.

Sergio lay down by her side, sighing.

Raquel took a deep breathe, gathering strength. She got on top of him and started kissing his neck, with her eyes opened.

“I think we should sleep” he tried to stop her.

“You don’t want to sleep” she said rubbing herself against him.

“Yes, I do.”

“I’ll make it quick then” she kissed down his chest.

“Raquel-” he tried to say but wasn’t sure she was listening. “You’re tired. Just ignore it. Let’s sleep.”

She touched him through his underwear.

“Raquel, please stop” he said firmly and she stopped immediately.

She froze, still looking at his erection. Moved her gaze to somewhere else, and then to his face.

“You really want to stop?”

“Yes.”

“Sorry” she muttered and quickly lied on her side of the bed.

“It’s okay, let’s just sleep.”

“Okay.”

A minute later, she turned her head at him and saw he still had his eyes opened.

“I’m just…” she got up. “I’ll be right back. You sleep” and walked to the bathroom.

Sergio sat up to wait for her, but the minutes passed and she wasn’t coming out.

“You don’t talk to me, Raquel” he said.

She cleared her throat. “I have a stomach ache, okay? Just sleep, don’t worry.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. Thought of just going to sleep but he couldn’t.

“Have you ever had sex with me when you didn’t really want to?”

“You would’ve noticed that, Sergio” she leaned her head against the door and looked at the ceiling. “Don’t start overthinking, okay? Everything is fine. Please, sleep.”

“Are you going to tell you were in the mood just now? When you were about to give me a blow job?”

“As if you never went down on me without feeling like it.”

Sergio ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath. “I never did something I didn’t want to, Raquel. Did you?”

“Just forget it, please. I’m tired.”

“Come to bed if you’re tired” he said annoyed.

She didn’t get up from the floor.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

She didn’t say anything.

“Answer me, Raquel.”

She sighed. “Please, Sergio.”

“Have you ever had sex with me when you didn’t feel like to? Or have you ever faked an orgasm with me?”

“Don’t make questions you don’t want the answer to.”

“Fuck, Raquel!” he got up and started putting his clothes on.

“I’m sorry.”

He felt bad, disgusted with himself, mad at her, mad at himself. He felt a bunch of ugly things he didn’t like and didn’t want to feel.

He stopped when he heard her sob. He sighed, took off his pants and got in bed.

“You’re tired, just come to bed.”

She didn’t get up.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“I want you to whatever you want, Sergio.”

“I want to do what you want me to do.”

“Sleep then.”

He sighed and stared at the ceiling. He didn’t know how many minutes passed but she came out of the bathroom, got in bed, with her back to him.

“Good night” she said.

“Good night.”

He didn’t sleep much. He analyzed every time he remembered, trying to know if she was really enjoying it. The fake orgasms didn’t bother him that much compared to her not feeling like sex and doing it anyway. He didn’t know what to think, what that meant, what that made him. He felt gross, what kind of boyfriend was he if he couldn’t tell what was real or not?

He knew he had to talk to her that weekend, he should've insisted more, asked more. But he was sure it didn’t start that weekend, and if she didn’t make it obvious, he would've never noticed she was doing that.

  
  


They didn’t talk much in the morning, actually didn’t say more than ‘good morning.’ They had breakfast without looking at each other and when Raquel thought he was leaving without saying anything, he said something.

“You saying you want me when you don’t, is lying. You faking an orgasm, is lying. Don’t lie to me, Raquel” he said grabbing his stuff to go.

“I’m sorry” she said without looking at him, embarrassed.

“Have you ever wanted to stop and never said it?”

“No, I always want you to come.”

“Did I ever hurt you?”

Sergio didn’t want to know really, he wouldn’t forgive himself. But he had to ask.

“No. You would have noticed that.”

“I don’t know. You were faking orgasms and I never noticed.”

She closed her eyes. She hated herself so much. Why did she start all that? She was so stupid.

“You never hurt me.”

“Is that the truth? I said I don’t want lies.”

“You never hurt me badly.”

“Fuck” he started walking around, running a hand through his hair and his face.

Raquel knew he was mad because he was cursing like that, and he never said that outside of bed.

“It was just at the beginning and it was just one time, and I came that time!” she tried to fix it. “I think” had to admit.

He was sure that if she would've told him things that conversation wouldn’t be happening, but he blamed himself for not being someone she talked to. He was mad at her for not telling him that, besides all the things he was used to not being told, and blamed himself for not being able to make her talk.

He took a deep breath and looked at her. “I can accept you not telling me things, you have your secrets and your past and I respect that. But one thing is not telling me something and other thing is telling me something that isn’t true.”

She moved her eyes around the room, trying not to cry. The hardest and painfullest part was that he was crying. What did she do? She deserved him to leave her.

“I talk to you, Raquel, even when I don’t know what I want to say, even when I don’t know how to say it.”

She slowly breathed in, not wanting him to hear her, and breathed out.

What did she do? Why did she always have to ruin everything?

“But that is just me, I understand you’re not like me” he wiped away the tears. “You know, I can tell you everything because I trust you more than I ever trusted anyone. It feels like if I tell you something I’m not actually telling it because it’s like sharing it with myself, but I feel better after because I let it out.”

“I-” and cleared her throat after hearing at herself.

“No, it’s okay. I just sometimes forget we’re not the same, and that you are your own person and I am mine, we are not one. We are not one” and he repeated one last time: “We are not one.”

“Sergio-”

“Don’t lie to me ever again, okay? You shut up about all you want but if it involves me, if it involves fucking sex, you tell me.”

“I promise.”

“You tell me when you don’t want something.”

“Yes. I promise.”

“If you ever lie to me that way again, we’ll be over.”

She nodded.

He ran a hand through his hair one last time and rubbed his eyes before looking at her. “See you later. Have a good morning” he was about to leave but he stopped.

She knew he was thinking if he should kiss her as usual. He wouldn’t have thought of it if the fight was about something else, he always kissed her no matter what, at least on the cheek.

He didn’t do it.

“I love you” he said and left.

Raquel covered her face with her hands and started crying.

  
  


For Sergio, it was a hit of reality. That made him realize their relationship wasn’t as perfect as he thought it was. He wasn’t doing it as good as he thought he was. Raquel didn’t trust him the way he trusted her, as he thought she did.

He felt he knew her, sometimes he thought he could read her mind. She just had to look at him the way she used to do it in bed, and he knew she loved him. Or when she had a lost gaze, he knew she was in a dark place and just hugged her to let her know he was there. He knew when she didn't like something, or so he thought. Maybe he was crazy, imagining everything.

That morning he looked at her and there was nothing, he didn't know what she was thinking, clearly he never really knew.

He noticed it just a few days after Lisboa, that she wasn’t actually talking to him. She was talking a lot more but it was nothing, he didn’t know her better. Raquel had a talent to speak for hours without saying anything in particular, she could talk about a topic freely without giving her opinion on it, she could tell him things about her life without letting him know _her_ better. He was a little disappointed when he discovered that, but didn’t let it put him off. He made questions and at first he thought it was working but then noticed she was doing the same thing, answering without answering, without meaning or sense and he felt stupid for falling for it even if it was once. He wanted to talk to her, to know what was going on, but he simply couldn’t; he didn’t want to force her to tell him anything, he wanted it to come from her because she wanted it.

He stopped worrying much about it but kept trying every time he saw the opportunity, kept letting her know that she could tell him anything. She did tell him things, not the way he did but she did. He knew it was a matter of time, they were only starting, he just had to be patient.

He never doubted of their love and connection though. He was sure it wasn’t him, it had to be something before him that made her be so private, or maybe that was just her personality, he himself was very private with everyone else that wasn’t her, he understood her. He tried not to take it personal, until that happened. But he understood, they weren’t the same, the fact that he was able to tell her absolutely anything so freely didn’t mean she felt the same way. Maybe it had nothing to do with trust, maybe she just liked having her own secrets and stuff. Maybe he got too excited with feeling so safe with her and overshared, maybe he was the one that should shut up a bit. Maybe he scared her with how invested he was, with how obsessed he was with her, with how much he loved her, maybe he was being too intense.

He knew they needed to talk but didn’t know how to do it, for the first time it didn’t feel so safe.

  
  


In the afternoon of that same day, Sergio came over, flowers in his hands and an apologetic look. Raquel frowned at him, not knowing what was going on. For a moment was afraid that he was going to end it.

Instead, he apologized, for everything. For the way he spoke to her that morning, for getting mad when he should’ve tried to understand her, for not noticing it sooner. Raquel remained still, staring at the floor all the time, until he started apologizing for not being able to make her feel comfortable enough to open up with him. She jumped into his arms and hugged him tight, “I am so sorry” she repeated nonstop until he gave her a kiss and asked her to stop, saying that it was okay.  
  
They hugged so tight that night, feeling like they would fall apart if they let go.

Things slowly went back to normal. Sergio didn’t want to touch her much at first, but then, a week later in bed, she whispered to him “I want you, please. I really miss you” and they did it. After that he asked twice every single time before starting to do anything. He used to do that their first times but then stopped because he thought they didn’t need words, but apparently, they still needed it.

Raquel stopped hating on herself so much and did something about it. She talked.

“I really love making you feel good. I never not want that, Sergio, I never not want you. If I ever did something without feeling like it, that was my body, who did it and who didn’t feel like doing it. But Raquel, I, I will always want you.”

“If it’s your body the one doing it, Raquel, then you have to listen to it.”

“I’m doing that, really. I promise you, Sergio, I’ll never do anything my body doesn’t want again, ever. Please, let’s just forget about it, let’s go back to normal.”

“We can go back to normal, but I will never forget about it and I don’t want you to forget it either. You remember this, remember to listen to your body, please.”

“Okay.”

  
  


And they never really talked about it again.

Raquel said when she didn’t want to, though shyly. Sergio kissed her head and hugged her every time, reminding her that it was okay. It was hard for Raquel, like she said, she never not wanted him, it was hard to know when her body didn’t, when she didn’t feel like to, but if she doubted, she stopped anyway; it was better not doing it when she wanted to than doing it when she didn’t want to.

She never faked again, those were the worse part. He wanted to make her come and it was twice harder to tell him to stop when she couldn't make it happen. They had a really necessary talk about it, he didn’t understand what was the point of doing it if she didn’t come. But they got to a conclusion together and it wasn’t that hard anymore.

It was hard for Sergio not to feel guilty for coming every time, but she reassured him and they were okay.

That was their first time actually working together for their relationship and they thought they did pretty good.

They didn’t talk about Raquel not opening up about other things. Like Sergio said, he respected it. But now that Raquel knew that was hurting him, she started trying. She was just afraid of him not liking her anymore, or disappointing him, or hurting him. She thought she trusted him the way he said, as if they were one, but Raquel would never trust anyone that way. She didn’t even trust herself. She trusted him with her body and life, he could do anything to her, but she wasn’t telling personal stuff and being completely vulnerable. She and her past were only for herself to know. Raquel thought it was in fact unnecessary, it didn’t change anything, he didn’t need to know who she was and what she went through.

What she didn’t notice was how Sergio stopped talking too, just a bit, reserving some things to himself. It was hard, he never thought it could be so hard not to talk, she was his best friend and he wanted to share everything with her. It was maybe for the best though, he shouldn’t open up too much with someone who didn’t do it with him, with anyone actually. That thing he felt for her, where he could be so honest and free, that should be something for himself, he should be his own best friend and confidant first, then her. So no matter how hard it was, he was determined to do it. He didn’t have to tell her everything, couples had secrets and it was perfectly fine.

Sergio was optimistic, they loved each other a lot, they could overcome anything.

Raquel in the other hand, felt the clock running, like it was a matter of time for it to blow up. All of what happened just proofed she couldn’t do it, she wasn’t capable of doing it, it was too much for her to handle, she was going to ruin it. And that made her remember that, she was fragile.


	15. I know we weren't perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a first part, I have no idea when I will be posting the second part  
> I didn't think of splitting it, but it was getting too messy so I decided to do it. And with that I'm not saying this one isn't messy. I was struggling to write it until I realized I was taking it too seriously and if it's serious it isn't fun so, yeah, this chapter isn't the best, hope you don't hate it 😂

_June._

Sergio grew up thinking love wasn't for everyone, just for a few lucky people He thought most people faked it or confused it with something else and that was the reason it always ended. For him, if it was love then it was forever. He would've never admitted if someone asked him, but he always wished he was one of those lucky people. Love seemed like a beautiful thing to feel.

Then, at the age of fifteen, after drinking too much trying to get less shy at a school party that his brother practically forced him to go to, he got his first kiss and lost his virginity to a total stranger. He wouldn't have known if he didn't wake up naked next to the girl. First, he freaked out thinking he took advantage of her, but then she woke up and clarify that she suggested it when he confessed being a virgin. He was relieved when the girl said she was seventeen and not a virgin before him. After making sure that they used a condom and the girl was okay, he left that house almost running.

And a perfect love story started to sound too good to ever be true.

He told Raquel that story once and she laughed at him for being so sad about it.

"How would you feel if you couldn't remember your first time?" he asked her.

"Grateful?" she said laughing.

Sergio hated everything about it: not remembering it, doing it with a girl he didn't know, doing it at a stupid party. He wanted it to be special, with someone he cared about. For years after that he said he was never doing it again, actually he said he was never doing it before marriage. But since that ruined his idea of everything, he didn't care the next time three years later, the time he counted as his first. And that made him feel a little glad for not remembering the first if it was anything like that one.

He thought he could be gay, but he liked boys a lot less than girls so he didn't think about it much.

Then he spent his twenty's trying to like sex, deep down hoping to meet someone special. And as a birthday gift for his thirties, he decided to stop doing that to himself. He accepted that he was going to die alone and the idea didn't make him sad, he actually liked it. He liked himself and that was okay, he was spending the rest of his life being only one after all. He wasn't one of those lucky people who would get to know how love felt and it was okay, though he would've liked to feel at least that kind of love that didn't last, but he guessed it was better not to feel love at all than feeling that little thing that everyone felt, it was probably nothing and everyone was exaggerating.

And finally, he met Raquel.

Love was nothing like he thought it was, nothing like he ever read about. It was a thousand times better; it was stronger and deeper. It took him forty years to find it but it was worthy because he was so sure not even those lucky people could feel the kind of love he was feeling. It was everything.

He thought it was the kind of love that was forever and never considered it being anything different.

*

  
  


"How is Raquel?" Andres asked.

Sergio frowned for a second. He wasn’t really listening to him until that moment and Andres had been talking for at least fifteen minutes since he arrived to his apartment and they got in the car. But now he was listening and it was the first time he heard her name in weeks.

"I don't know" he finally said, like it was a random question. "We don't talk anymore."

"Did you guys fight?"

"No, not really."

"Wait, did you break up?"

"I guess" he shrugged.

"When?"

"Three weeks or so" he didn't look at him at any moment.

"It is definitive?"

"Yes."

"Are you okay?"

"Sure" and he didn't let Andres say anything else. "Look, we're not friends anymore so I don't see the point of talking about her. You have her number if you want to call her to know how she's doing"

"Really? You think I should call her? That I should call Raquel?"

Sergio understood what he wanted to say. "You're free to do whatever you want and so is she" he said with a dismissive wave. "But if you don't then we should stop talking about her, it really doesn't feel right to talk about a stranger"

"She's not a stranger Sergio, she was your girlfriend" Andres was looking at him as if he was the total stranger.

"Exactly, was. She's not in my life anymore so we should stop talking about her and just move on."

Andres just kept staring at him. He was acting like nothing happened.

"Did anything else happen in your life that I should know about?" he asked.

Sergio thought of it for a second. "No, everything's normal"

"So, boring then"

Sergio rolled his eyes. "Yes, normal boring" he said. "You know, it never stopped being boring; boring single professor, boring in a relationship professor, boring single professor again" he moved his head to each side when he said that. "What about you? I'm sure you have a lot to tell since you have a very exciting life."

Andres looked at him for few seconds and then started talking about himself again.

As usual, Andres did most of the talking and Sergio just say a few words about the things he said.

They had dinner, they laughed a little and then, Sergio was ready to go home when Andres came back from 'the bathroom' with a bottle of tequila and a shot glass.

"God, I really don't like you" he sighed. "You call me when you're done. Or better call a taxi. I'm tired" he said getting up but Andres pushed him back to his sit.

"This is for you, not for me."

"You're not funny" he tried to get up and Andres pushed him back again. "Fine, drink, I'll wait for you" he wasn’t in the mood for arguing.

Andres filled the shot glass and shifted it through the table at him.

"Wait, are serious? I'm not going to drink."

"You're going to drink and I'm not, I'm driving you home."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I wasn't here when you just broke up but I am here now."

Sergio’s jaw clenched unconsciously. "It's been three weeks and I'm over it. I'm not getting drunk like fourteen year old."

"The first heartbreak hurts the same whether you're fourteen or forty one. Drink."

"Thank you for worrying but my heart is perfectly fine. Seriously, Andres, it's 11pm and I'm tired."

"The sooner you drink the sooner you're going home" he pointed at the shot. "I didn't bring you salt or lemon because I didn't think you would like to put the salt on your hand and lick it."

Sergio did that before and he was right, he didn’t like that part.

He looked at him. "Are you trying to get me drunk to film it and then make fun of me? Because with that the only thing you're going to get is me not talking to you anymore either."

"I would never do that to you when you're heartbroken."

"Oh, for god’s sake, my heart if fine!"

"Drink!"

Sergio took the shot and just did it.

"That is disgusting and I'm not drinking it again" he said with a disgusted face.

But Andres filled the glass again and Sergio drank it. The sooner he was drunk, the sooner he was home. And it could even help him sleep, he needed a good sleep.

Andres asked for a drink without alcohol and kept filling his shot every 5 minutes. He could perfectly see his brother's mask slowly falling off.

It was after the fifth one when he just looked at the place, not feeling well.

"Andres, I want to go home, please. I don't want to be here anymore. Please" he said rubbing his eyes under his glasses.

"Okay" and they got up. "Can you walk?"

Sergio nodded.

In the car, Sergio looked through the window, wiping away some tears hoping his brother didn't see him. In the end he just pressed his head against the headrest with his eyes closed, breathing in and out.

"Do you want to throw up?" Andres asked.

"No, I'm fine."

When they got to his apartment, he let himself fall in the couch and buried his face on a pillow. Andres could see his body shaking and knew he was crying. He went there and sat down, got the pillow out of his face and hugged him.

Sergio cried like a little boy, like he didn't do when she dumped him.

"I just..." he said and held to his brother tight, his fingers squeezing his arms. "I don't understand" he buried his face against his brother's chest. "Why did she leave me? What did I do wrong?" he sobbed and kept crying for an entire hour.

He didn’t want to admit it at first, they had worse fights before and that one was nothing. He was fuming when left her apartment that night and went straight to bed when he got home, cursing her name, not being able to believe he was in love with such an idiot woman who couldn’t handle a bad day and said such stupid things when she was tired. In the morning all of that was gone and he was waiting for her to call so he could say sorry for the things he said in a moment of anger, because he obviously didn’t mean it. But she didn’t call.

That night he was planning on going to see her but got angry again; why he was the one who should take the first step? Was she offended by him telling her that? She told him, yelled at him, a lot more than that; once, he froze watching at her with wide open eyes like a child hearing someone cursing for the first time, she said so much things he never heard before. He was going to call her but he felt he didn’t do anything wrong so it was time for her to come back after a fight. But she didn’t come back. He waited, patiently, writing little memos in his phone about all the things he had to tell her when she stopped being the stubborn woman she was and come back. But she didn’t, she didn’t come back.

When two days later he got her key in an envelope by mail, he knew it was serious for her. He left his on her table the night of the fight, because she was talking about breaking up and in the heat of the moment he took it too seriously, but it wasn’t serious. Feeling that everything was slipping out of his hands, he took his phone and searched for her number. He wanted to say sorry for whatever he did that made her think he wanted to end it. But he stopped. She sent her key by mail, she clearly didn’t want to see him, probably never again. He was tempted to call her anyway, ask for an explanation or something, because it wasn’t over for him; he wanted her to give him a reason, a good reason, and he wanted the chance to make it up to her if he had done something that wrong. He didn’t have a problem to say sorry, but there was a limit of how much a person could take and he had enough. He didn’t see what he could've done wrong and he was sick of being the one who was always coming back and apologizing when he wasn’t guilty of anything. He had a pride and he wasn’t giving it the importance it deserved. He put the key in a drawer and forgot about it and about her.

For the next two weeks -and three days-, he pushed the thought of her and their broken relationship away. But now it was the only thing in his mind and it hurt more than anything ever hurt him. He knew there were worse things, painfullest things, but he couldn’t compare it with anything he ever felt and he couldn’t lighten it to make it less than what it was. It was like all the love he felt for her turned into pain; loving her became painful and the worst part was that he knew it wasn’t going to end. He knew she was and will always be the only one for him, forever. The break up just meant that their relationship wasn’t forever, but the way he loved her? There was no way that wasn’t being forever. Not all the pain in the world was going to break that, not all the pain in the world could ever break that.

"I miss her" he said when Andres went to get him a glass water.

"I know."

"Do you think I should call her?"

"No! No no no" he said quickly and handed him the glass. "You don't call your ex girlfriend when you're drunk nor ever."

"I really want to hear her voice, I miss her."

"Just drink the water and then let's get you to bed, you'll thank me later."

He was still crying a little when Andres helped him to get in bed.

"Can you stay, please? I don't feel like being alone right now" he asked.

He couldn’t sleep. Just then he realized that she left him, she actually left him. He wasn’t going to talk to her anymore, he wasn’t going to touch her nor even see her anymore. He lost her, she promised him that was never going to happen and he believed her like an idiot.

Sergio got up running less than ten minutes after he laid down.

Andres followed him and made a disgusted face when he literally saw the vomit coming out of his mouth. He was silently gagging but he walked in anyway, got on his knees next to him and rubbed his back.

“Are you okay brother?”

“Was the alcohol supposed to make me feel better?”

“Not really” and looked away when Sergio threw up again.

  
  


"I feel so ridiculous" he sighed when he sat on the floor next to the toilet. "Before I used to feel like there was something missing in my life, in my body. Then she came and I was complete” he laughed but the tears in his eyes proved there was nothing funny in his words. “Now she's gone and the void is bigger than before. I'm such an idiot. I'm so stupid” he knew he had to wash his hands and brush his teeth but he was too tired to get up. “I am so so stupid. I can't- I'm ridiculous. I just-" he laughed again. "Do you think she's laughing at me? She should. Of how stupid I am, I can't believe it, so fucking stupid. Stupid stupid stupid" he hit his head against the wall.

“Stop punishing yourself.”

“What did I do? I just want to understand. Did she ever love me? I thought she loved me. I probably screwed it up and didn’t notice, that’s how stupid I am.”

"No, if you don’t know what you did is because you probably didn't do anything wrong. Women are just crazy."

He glared at him. "Don't you dare talk like that about Raquel."

"I'm talking about women in general, not just her."

"Well leave her out of it. She is not like other women."

"She is, Sergio. You're just too in love to see it. If you forget about her you will find a good replacement soon."

Andres was kind of expecting Sergio to get up and try to fight him. He did get up but never came. He just walked away and a few seconds later Andres heard his bedroom door closing with a slam.

He went to check on him but the door was locked.

"I thought you would understand" Sergio said from the inside.

"I do, Sergio. I was kidding before. She's different, especial, unique. I know what you feel."

“She taught me what love is, Andres.”

He didn’t know what to respond to that.

“Nothing could ever beat that. No one could ever replace her. She is the love of my life” he said with a broken voice. “I need her in my life.”

Andres sighed. He was kind of regretting getting him drunk. “What you need is to brush your teeth and sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning, come on.”

Andres wanted to ask that man who was he and what he'd done with his brother. He knew Sergio was a romantic, it ran on the family and he grew up reading novels and watching Disney movies, Sergio definitely was corny in the inside and had a soft spot for love stories, except for his brother’s, obviously. But Andres never heard him talk like that, he thought his brother didn’t have a heart, not for romantic love.

After he brushed his teeth, Andres helped him to get in bed again, and lay down next him to keep him company.

  
  


Sergio woke up late in the morning, still feeling like shit. He stayed in bed, eyes closed, just breathing. He already wanted to cry again but it was too early for that, so he got up.

Andres was making him breakfast and he wanted to cry even more. He was so sensitive that he wanted to kick himself, he actually wanted to hug himself but it would be less embarrassing if he kicked himself.

“Good morning” he said and sat in front of him.

Andres smiled at him. “Good morning to you” and handed him a cup of coffee. “How are you feeling?”

“Better I guess” he suddenly remembered the night before and felt ashamed. “Thank you… for last night” he muttered.

“You should eat. Does your head hurt?”

“No more that I can take.”

Okay, it was enough for Andres. He should feel better after that night, show he had some pride at least.

“So, Sergio, I was thinking. Now that you broke up you can show me… You know” he said with a smirk he knew pissed him off.

Sergio glared at him, waiting for him to apologize. “Keep talking and I’ll kick your ass.”

Andres was tempted but after thinking about it just lifted his hands in defeat.

They already fought for Raquel once, not physically because Andres wasn’t there but Sergio would've done it.

Andres got forbidden to talk about her. He always asked questions about her, he was interested in their relationship because he cared about his brother. He wasn’t expecting Sergio to give too many details or ask for advice if he ever needed, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t know how were they doing. Sergio didn’t mind to talk at first, but then he started asking inappropriate questions. It happened when Andres asked him if she ever sent him nudes and he couldn’t answer. When Andres said he should be a good brother and share it, Sergio let out his most genuine and angrier ‘what the fuck, Andres?’. Way before that, he already told him he was tired of asking him not to send him the pictures of his girlfriends but he gave up eventually, just deleted the pictures right after receiving them, without doing anything else because the one time he called the woman to tell her, she said she knew and she didn’t mind, she even asked for his opinion and it was the most uncomfortable phone call he ever had.

But that time it was Sergio’s girlfriend they were talking about. He called him a lot of things, some of them weren’t true and he didn’t mean it, but it didn’t matter because he was furious and wanted to hurt him. It didn’t work anyway, Andres just laughed at him through the phone until Sergio hanged. He didn’t talk to him again for almost a month. He deleted all the pictures of Raquel he had because it felt wrong to keep them, knowing that someone else knew that they existed.

Raquel made him talk a week later, she wanted to know why wasn't he talking with his brother. When he told her that Andres asked for her nudes, the panic was all over her face when she asked him if he sent them to him. Sergio almost got offended by that but understood because at no time he told her he didn't do it while he was telling her that. He assured her he didn't and confessed that he deleted everything.

Raquel felt bad for him, so she tried to cheer him up saying that he didn't need any pictures, he could look at her as much as he wanted. She undressed in front of him and did some other things that were way better than a picture or a video.

Oh, he was going to miss being able to see her naked at any time of the day.

Sergio was shy of asking at first but he wanted it so much. So he just said it, he wanted nudes. She laughed at his awkwardness and told him that there was no problem as long as he sent her some too. To make him feel safe, even though she didn’t need to, she sworn that she would take those pictures to the grave.

And they surprised each other with some nude every once in a while. Sergio did it only at night, when he wasn't with her. “Thinking of you” he always said and it always ended with a call. He actually wanted to sleep alone at least once a week because "he needed time alone" but he just really wanted the pictures and the call. The way he loved phone sex wasn't normal and he would deny it to death, that was a secret not even Raquel knew. She was bolder, she sent hers when she knew he was in class, or at any time during the day. “So you don’t dare to think of anything else that isn’t me” she said. He always made sure not to look at it much if he was in public, but he loved her doing that even if he felt tense for hours until he was alone again.

“You don’t have to show me but you still have them, right?” Andres’s voice brought him back to reality.

“Stop talking.”

“You’re going to need those pictures if you’re not planning on going out right away.”

“Andres. Stop. Talking.”

He was getting angry, not only because he was talking about Raquel's nudes again, but because for safety he deleted every picture less than a day after getting them. But it was better that way, if he spent his nights looking at her nudes then he wasn’t going to get better.

“What? You’re going to kick me out and not answer my calls again? You need me now that you’re alone again.”

And Sergio got up to finally fight him. He had to relief some tension some way or another anyway.

Sergio hated to admit it but Andres was right, he needed someone and he was the only person he had left.

The last time they didn’t talk for a month, until it was Sergio's birthday and he felt forgiving, and a little because Raquel made him but he only gave in because he felt forgiving. And even after forgiving him, he didn’t let him in a room alone with Raquel not even for a minute, he spent his birthday holding the urge to pee but he didn’t leave them alone. Raquel laughed at him later when he confessed but he saw in her face that she was actually thankful.

Now they didn’t say a word for an entire hour because they were busy with the ice on their hands and faces. They ended up talking about the fight, about how good Sergio was and how neither of them got any faith on him. He, once again, forbade him to talk about his now _ex_ girlfriend. Andres promised it and they were okay.

  
  


At the end of the weekend, before leaving, Andres told him they should clean his apartment and make it Raquel free. Asked him to get everything that reminded him of her and put it in a box to throw it away.

"Can you put this entire place in a box?" he asked and said the car should go away too.

When he finally took him seriously, he told him he had nothing but her teeth brush.

"Take both. She was always using mine without telling me" he said when Andres went to get it.

They always made sure not to leave a lot of things at each other's places, they brought the clothes they would use the next day and they take it back as soon as they could, and the same with everything else. Most of the times they borrowed things instead of bringing it from home.

He was also putting in the box her t-shirt and all the other presents, like the book she got him for his first birthday as friends, the watch she gave him for Christmas, the notebook and pen for his last birthday along with the photo of them and Stockholm that was still with a magnet on the fridge’s door. That picture was the last thing he had to take but he couldn't find the strength to take it down, he just stood there staring at it.

"Do I really have to do this?" he asked, his throat felt tight as he talked.

"I think it would be the best thing to do."

"I don't want to" he shook his head and felt the tears running through his cheeks. "I don't want to" he said with a broken voice and started crying again.

He didn’t want it to be over.

In the end Andres said he could put everything in the box and keep it, somewhere outside his view maybe. He agreed and wiped his tears as he took the picture from the fridge, put it in the box with the magnet too, it was a Portugal flag they got in Lisbon. She had the same one and as he closed the box, wondered if she kept it too or threw everything away. She was stronger than him, she probably threw it away.

  
  


On Monday he went back to work as if nothing happened. He knew how to handle bad times, or so he thought. In every break, he had to go lock himself in the bathroom and control the tears. He felt stupid because no one died, he got dumped and was acting like it was the worst it could happen to someone.

The first week he felt like he was going to have an anxiety attack at least once at some point during the day every day. Luckily it never happened. He wore her t-shirt every night and tried not to cry himself to sleep.

The second week he just felt tired. It was ridiculous being so sad, he was angry at himself all the time and it was exhausting.

The third week, after not getting up in all weekend, he felt brand new. He was able to look at his two weeks ago self and realized he really was a drama queen like Raquel said he was. It still hurt but he knew he was going to be okay.

He started doing things to get better and feel less lonely. Because for the first time in his life he felt lonely, really lonely.

He went to Italy as soon as summer break started but he didn’t handle more than a week. He loved his brother and he was desperate for some company, but Andres wasn’t his kind of person. No one was his kind of person anymore.

He couldn’t handle being in the same country with his brother yet he tried to talk to him more over the phone anyway, but he couldn't talk to him the way he talked to her. She made him love talks, even small talks, stupid and senseless talks. He loved to talk to her and to hear her. Her voice was something that made him feel at peace and at home. Now he had to play some podcast or something because he couldn't stand silence. He found someone he loved to talk with and he lost her.

He was lonely and full with things he needed to say. He needed someone and he never needed anyone before.

He thought a lot of it, like for a day and half, and made his decision. When he was at the pound staring at the cats, he regretted it and left with his face red by the embarrassment. He felt sorry for himself and felt like everyone else did too. There was nothing wrong with being lonely, no one knew he was lonely, but he was ashamed of it anyway.

When he became aware that he was writing a lot of notes on his phone every time he felt the need to share something, he knew what he had to do.

He had a notebook where besides having his schedule and every to do list, he was always writing something, like some idea that crossed his mind or things he didn't want to forget. But he never thought of writing about his day or how was he feeling. He searched for the notebook in the Raquel box and started writing in there, he felt a little stupid at first but then there was nothing he didn't write about. It definitely made him feel a lot better. He couldn’t help but notice how much he changed about talking and communication, before he used to keep everything to himself, now he couldn't even if he wanted to.

Since he felt better apparently his body too. He wasn't so tired anymore, he felt hunger again and he started getting erections again. That he wasn't glad for. At first it only happened in the mornings and he took a cold shower thinking that masturbating was out of the question. Then he did it on the shower when the cold water didn't help. He started liking a lot it before, thanks to Raquel and her phone calls or nudes, now it was nothing again, unpleasant even. It wasn't as good when he didn't actually want to do it. But then he wanted to.

He was thinking of her when it happened and he doubted at first, feeling like he needed some help. He got up and opened the Raquel box again, but that time took the photo. Back in bed, he folded it, taking himself and Stockholm out of sight. Raquel looked so beautiful and happy in that picture, when they were trying to give Stockholm a bathe because she was beyond filthy and they ended up wetter than her. He smiled at the memory, thought he could still hear her laugh. It was weird that it didn't make him sad and since it didn't get him down, he decided it was time to make himself feel good. He deserved it.

He kept the photo in his nightstand after that and looked at it almost every night.

  
  


The first weeks after becoming aware of the break up, Sergio did feel the miserable he had ever felt. He wasn’t able to push the thought of her away, his mind screamed _Raquel, Raquel, Raquel_ all the time _._ He needed his friend, he wanted to ask for advise on how to get over a break up. He needed a hug, someone who understand him and tell him he was going to be okay. He wanted someone to tell him that he didn’t do anything wrong, that it wasn’t him, that it wasn’t his fault. He wanted someone to tell him that it was okay if he still loved her, that it was okay to still think of her, that it was okay to miss her and her cat. He wanted someone to tell him that he didn’t have to forget to be okay again. Because he couldn’t forget even if he tried hard to, and the memories were hurting him, to know that he would never live those moments again hurt him.

But in the end he got better. It would always hurt but not as it did at first. And he was thankful for it even if it hurt. Maybe she was gone because her job was done. Raquel changed him completely, for good. He felt he owed her, for the happiest months in his life, for all the things he learned about life and about himself.

She helped him a lot when it came to know himself. He realized he didn’t like some things he thought he did, like silence or being alone. He liked a lot of things he would've never thought of, and that made him a whole new person.

He liked phone sex, he was afraid of heights -or maybe just Ferris wheels, he learned that breakfast was his favorite part of the day, he was actually able to enjoy not working, he could be spontaneous, he loved hugs and holding hands, he didn't have much problem with PDA if he was the one being kissed, he loved middle age women with piercings on their nose -not that he had the time and the eyes to look at more than one, he was way more romantic and affectionate than he ever thought he could be, unfortunately he was way more sensitive too, he was very dramatic, he liked being spoil, he liked to be crushed by someone else's body -preferably Raquel's, he wasn't smart at everything and though he already knew that it was weird for him not to feel like the smartest person in the room, and he liked that too.

He liked better being in a relationship than being single and that was actually one of the things he wished he could forget. He didn't know if would like being in a relationship as much if they would've been together for ten years but he would never find out now.

He loved Raquel and that was something he found himself surprised by every single day, like it was new, because every day felt different, every day felt better and every day felt more, like when he thought he couldn't love her more and then she just had to smile at him for him to feel that he could die of love.

The one and only thing Sergio got confused by, was dates. He wanted to go on more dates and Raquel tried to trick him into thinking that they went on dates all the time. He didn’t know what exactly was a date but after a few failed attempts he knew they weren’t made for it. They both agreed that maybe they were made for dinner and movies dates only, or staying at home and eat pizza in their underwear after having sex, or even making love in the car at sunrise in Lisbon.

Later he realized he didn’t really want to do any of those things, he just wanted to go out with Raquel. She deserved someone who can take her to places. They talked about it and she reassured him, saying she didn’t need to go anywhere, his company at home was enough for her. But he kept insisting, so they satisfied his urge of going out with long night walks and they loved it, though they were sure it would be so much better in the summer and were waiting excited for it to come.

But it was summer and night walks got lonely. He started walking, or most of the times running, away to some place where he could look at the starts in the sky and secretly miss her. Hoping she was doing the same thing, hoping she was still thinking about him.

  
  


By the seventh week Sergio thought he was finally clean and ready to resume his life as if he never met her, rather as if she never broke his heart.

Then he saw her, and it started again.

He went to Hanoi before that a few times during the month he was feeling better, he always tried to be fast, afraid of her coming in any time. When Antonio asked him about her, he didn't have the gut to tell him that they were broken up. Antonio was so happy for them when he saw them walk in holding hands the first time. He answered shortly and got out as fast as he could. The man didn't ask again after a few times, Sergio suspected he found out somehow and he was relieved for not having to tell him.

He thought that being fast he was never going to see her but he was wrong.

That first time, he was coming in and she was getting out. They both stopped for second. Sergio didn't know what to do, it was the first time he saw her in two months -and two weeks and four days, but no one was counting. He didn't have to do anything, in mere seconds, she continued walking and passed right next to him as if she didn't know him. He managed to continue on his way too, but he couldn't talk and the barista had to guess what he wanted, it was good that he was a regular client otherwise it would've taken him forever. He didn't wait for his order there, he quickly walked and locked himself in the bathroom. It took him five entire minutes to breathe normally again and to stop the tears from keep coming out of his eyes. But he came out and continued with his day as if nothing happened.

And after that he didn’t stop bumping into her. It was like he was meant to feel heartbroken forever.

The second time, he was, again, coming in when he saw her sitting on one of the seats of the counter, her phone against her ear. He stood still until she saw him and he kept walking, trying to act normal. He waited with his arms leaning on the counter, just a few steps away from her, and she got up and left, telling to whoever she was talking with to have lunch alone because she wasn't waiting for them. He didn't let himself wonder who was she talking to.

The third time he saw her, he was having lunch there for the third time thinking that he was safe because he didn't see her again, but of course, the third time was the charm. He saw her as soon as she came in, but he knew she didn't see him until she and the blonde she was with were looking for a table. He heard her asking to the woman to order the food to go and he didn't need to hear more. He was finished and leaving anyway.

The fourth time, she was again with the blonde. They sat in one of the tables against the wall while he was sat in one against the window, the one next to their table. Their table was free but of course she wasn't going to sit there. He heard the blonde wanting to seat there but Raquel convinced her that the other tables were better. He finished his meal trying to act normal and not to rush it just because he wanted to run away. He put a lot of effort on keeping his gaze on the food or outside the window. That was the first time they didn't leave running, the first time they were in the same place and acted like really strangers. It was horrible and he wanted to throw up as soon as he came out. He hated to think that he was the only one suffering it.

But far from what he thought, that wasn't the worst time. The worst time was the seventh time, when he went to get his lunch and while waiting at the counter, he heard her laugh. He didn't know she was there until that moment. It was her laugh, he would recognize it any time, over any noise. He looked at where it came from, hoping to see her with the blonde again but it was a guy. It wasn't her brother, he knew him for some pictures, and of course it wasn't his father either. But he didn't give a damn about the stupid guy, they were sitting on _their_ table. He didn't sit in there again because he felt bad about it, and she went and sit there with another man?

Sergio didn't want to think of the blonde girl being something other than a friend, but he couldn't do the same with the guy. He knew he shouldn't care, he tried hard to get that into his head, but he couldn't. Maybe the guy was just a friend and the blonde wasn’t, god, he hopped it was like that. He preferred neither of them being more than her friends but if she left him to be with a girl he didn’t mind that much, because that could mean she didn’t like him anymore because he was a man and not because he was him. But maybe neither of them was just friends, she didn’t have any friends, she fucked the only one she had. Maybe that was her thing and that was the reason why all of them were gone. But he couldn’t imagine her being like that, he couldn’t.

Who were they? He needed to know. Was she seeing other people already? Did she ever stop? Was that the reason she broke with him, she wanted to see other people? What, she thought he was too conservative or something not to be open to that kind of conversation? Yes, was very much monogamous, he would prefer rip his own eyes off before seeing her with other people, but she could've told him! At least so he wouldn't spend months thinking there was something wrong with him.

He felt very immature when he decided that if she was seeing other people he should too, but his ego was hurt and he didn't even want to stop to check his heart.

The next time he went to Hanoi after that, he sat on their table and smiled to a stranger. And that was it for that day, it was already a lot to be just starting.

For the first time in his life, he called Andres to ask for advice. He didn't need it, he knew how it worked, but he wanted to be less shy and more of an asshole like him. Maybe he had to be that not to get hurt. Andres said he should be the one leaving them, as if he wasn't the one being dumped the five times he got divorced.

"And why did they ask for the divorce?" he asked Sergio and he understood.

Sergio was so ready; he was excited and everything. But then the time came and he always preferred to stay home and read a book in bed while having some ice cream. Ice cream was good and comforted him when he needed it the most. He knew he didn't actually want to do it anyway, he just wanted to get someone to take to Hanoi every day until Raquel saw them together to let her know that he moved on too, or to make her believe that he moved on. He wanted to get someone and rub it in her face even if she didn't care.

He gave up before doing anything.

But Andres didn't let him. As soon as he found out Sergio wasn't doing anything, he came for the weekend and forced him to go out. Not without forcing him to exercise all day first, not recognizing him after all the ice cream. Sergio rolled his eyes and didn't let him body shame him, being sure that he couldn't have gained more than a kilo and a half.

"Do you even exercise anymore?"

"Almost every night."

"Jerking off doesn't count."

"I run!" he said blushed.

And he did punch a boxing bag sometimes when he got angry. He was jerking off a lot but there was no way his brother knew that.

At the end of the day Sergio wanted to get in bed and sleep. He could've said no but Andres came only to see him and take him out, he couldn't say no, it would've felt bad.

As if the universe was trying to make him feel worse, they went to Hanoi and she was there. He immediately told Andres he wanted to go somewhere else.

"Are you kidding? This is the perfect opportunity, don’t waste it."

She was with Alicia, something he never thought he would see. And there were two men with them. It wasn't the same than that first time, it was someone different.

He let himself look at her freely for the first time. The lights weren't very bright, the music was a little loud and there were more people than usual. She wasn't going to see him, she was busy, he could look at her as much as he wanted.

She looked okay; she didn't look like she hated every second of the day because he wasn't with her. She seemed at peace, happy even. Well, he couldn't actually tell any of those things, he didn't know her. He spent months thinking she loved him. He couldn't know how she actually was. But looking at her as a stranger, she looked fine. He was happy for her, or wanted to be. He hated her and hated himself for hating her. She did nothing wrong, but he was resentful and had his ego hurt. He hated that she looked so well with him being gone and out of her life. Did she cry for him as he cried for her? Did she miss him at least a little bit of how much he missed her? At least for a mere second? He wanted to be happy for her, he really wanted her to be okay, but it hurt to see her okay without him. It hurt him to know that she was able to be happy without him.

And she looked so damn hot. She clearly wasn't comforting herself with ice cream and masturbating in a failed attempt to burn calories. She was probably having actual sex with actual people that weren't him.

"Easy on that, Sergio" Andres' girl friend told him when he finished his third glass right after the second one.

He looked at her. She was talking to him since she and her friend arrived and he didn't bother on listening to her for a second. He didn't even know her name.

"Please tell me you're here because you're being a good friend to your friend and not because you actually want to get with me."

"Would it be that bad if I want to get with you?"

"You're too pretty for that. Pretty women don't like me. I'm not enough for them so they always leave."

"Well, I don't know how she feels about you but you're right, she's really pretty."

She looked in Raquel's direction for a second and Sergio sighed. He was that obvious? He was with a nice beautiful woman and he was looking at another who was very much entertained with another man. He was an asshole and he deserved to be slapped, dumped too.

"Sorry."

"Don't worry, we all have that ex" she smiled at him and he smiled back.

"Want to get out of here?"

"I prefer to talk for a bit before that."

"Oh no, I didn't mean" he shook his head. "Andres and your friend seemed very well on their own" he nodded towards the couple kissing. "I'm just offering you a drive home."

"I don't think you should drive."

"I didn't drink that much" he laughed.

"Why don't you just tell me a little about her so we can have something to talk about until this two are ready to get a room."

He was really down to talk about her, he _needed_ it. Talking about her was the only way he found not to be looking at her all the time. He was very much into the conversation, or rather his monologue, that he didn't look at her once.

"Okay, I don't want to interrupt you but I have to say, she has been looking this way" and she stopped him from looking at her with a hand on his cheek. "Don't!"

"What are you doing?" he asked when she kept her hand there, caressing him.

"Want to make her jealous?"

"I don't think she cares enough to get jealous" he chuckled.

"Want to try?"

"Please, don't" he said when she got closer.

"Sshh, don't worry" she left a peak on his lips and turned to his ear. "Just close your eyes and pretend you like it" and she started kissing his neck.

"This is not going to work."

"You don't know that."

"No, I mean this. You and me, is not going to happen."

She pulled back to look at him. "I'm not trying that."

"Really?" he said without believing it.

"You know what? If you don't want to make her jealous it's fine. You were saying?"

And he continued with his monologue like that never happened. He needed someone to talk to and who better than a stranger?

It was when he got to the break up part that it got hard. He needed a stronger drink for that and he made sure to get it first.

It was hard because he didn't think of it much before, he would remember and just get confuse.

Was it really a fight? He couldn't tell. They'd talked to each other like that before. The first time, they said sorry. The second time they just laughed about it an hour later. By the fourth time they didn't even talk about it; they talked to each other like that and then acted like nothing happened, both thought of those fights like the kind of fights they used to have with their siblings. But that night was different, they were mad at each other, not just annoyed by something stupid like Sergio leaving the toilet seat up in her bathroom or Raquel hurting him when she insisted in trimming his beard. That ‘fight’ came out of nowhere, started out being something and ended up being something else.

They both had a bad a day for different things, they just knew it when they saw each other. They both wanted to be left alone but they needed each other to release some of their frustration.

"Why are you with me?" she started seconds right after coming, sitting on the edge of the bed and putting on a t-shirt.

Sergio sighed, not in the mood for that kind of conversation.

'What would you do if you meet someone better than me?', 'Do you think I'm enough for you?', 'Don't you feel the need of being with someone else besides me?', ‘Am I loving you well?’, ‘What if there’s someone who can love you better?’, 'Am I making you happy?' ‘What if you find someone who can make you happier?’. He always thought she wasn't serious, he thought she just wanted him to tell her how much he loved her and how wonderful she was. It was like a game: 'How much do you love me?' And he would put the tip of his thumb and index together, growing the space between them little by little as she got ‘mad’. He liked that game, he did it when he wanted a little extra love and affection. But the other questions were too serious even if she didn't mean to be serious.

They started with that. He tried to answer her question right but she was determined to take everything he said as a bad thing.

"Do you think we should break up?" she asked right after he finished talking and he knew she didn't care about what he just said.

"Why would you ask me that?"

"It’s a question. Answer it."

"No, I don't think we should break up."

"Why not?"

"Why not? Because we love each other. Do we need another reason?"

"Don't we? Why are we doing this? What is the point?"

Sergio got up and started putting his clothes on, he needed to leave before saying things he didn’t mean. He wasn’t liking this Raquel and he liked every Raquel.

"Maybe because we make each other happy" he said, wanting her to understand and stop.

Raquel laughed but she didn't look happy, not in that moment. She already told him that it was normal, sometimes people were happy, sometimes they weren't. It didn't depend on them being together.

"What will you do when you meet a woman worthy of you?"

"Don't start with that. I'm too tired to deal with it now."

But she continued, not really listening to him. "Are you afraid of being alone? Or just bored? You don't even know me, what the fuck makes you think you love me?"

"Raquel, stop. You're acting like an idiot."

"And you want to be with an idiot? Come on Sergio, you can do better."

"Can you stop right now?"

"Stop what?"

"This! What is it, Raquel? Was that bad of a day? You know you can talk to me. You don't have to treat me bad to push me away."

"You think this is being treated bad?" she chuckled. "If you think that, you clearly have no idea how that is really like."

"What then? Are trying to teach me?"

"Oh no, I'm sure I couldn't teach you anything."

He sighed. "I don't know how to deal with you when you get like this" he confessed rubbing his forehead.

"Then why are you with me if you can't deal with me?"

He looked at her but she was with her back at him. In all that time she turned her head but she didn't look directly at him once.

Sergio didn't know what to do or say, she was determined to take everything he said out of context, she was determined to fight each word.

"I don't know why we should be together" she said quietly.

He was too tired for it. She was being an asshole and he was too tired to handle it.

"You shouldn't have to deal with me. You should just go and never come back" she said harshly.

"Yeah, you're right, I should go" he grabbed his jacket and his shoes and left mumbling something that, even being angry, he expected her not to hear.


	16. but I've never felt this way for no one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter didn't turn out as I wanted and I hate it but it was annoying me so I just gave up. I hope you don't hate it though😅  
> Also, thank you for your comments on the last chapter, and sorry too I guess lol

_June._

“ _Raquel, stop. You’re being an asshole.”_

“ _I can’t deal with you when you get like this.”_

“ _Why are you with me if you can’t deal with me?”_

“ _You shouldn’t have to deal with me. You could just go and never come back.”_

“ _You’re right, I should go.”_

“ _Fuck you.”_

Raquel opened her eyes and stared at the wall, feeling too tired to move. She tried to focus on her breathing, not being able to hear herself with all the noise in her head. His words repeating over and over until suddenly it was gone and the silence of the apartment hit her. Sort of.

She heard Stockholm scratching the entrance door and abstained from rolling her eyes. Stupid cat.

She got up and walked to the bathroom.

Got in the shower and just erased him from her skin, furiously rubbing the sponge through every inch of her body until it hurt.

She lay down in bed letting out a tired sigh. She just needed to sleep.

*

  
  


Angel was the first face she saw when she arrived to work in the morning. He was clearly waiting for her and she wanted to turn around and go back home. But she didn’t do it and he started apologizing as soon as she was closer enough to hear him.

The previous day, before going home, Raquel was asked to join the team of people in charge of the most important case the precinct have had in years. And Angel was mad it wasn't him.

He started saying that they took her just because Alicia was in it and she was her new best friend. She wasn't Alicia's friend, Alicia didn't even like her; she did say she preferred her before anyone else in there but it was because Alicia didn't like anyone.

Angel said a lot of things, a lot of reason she could've been asked that wasn't exactly because of her abilities. He started with that but ended up insulting her for a lot of other things. Raquel was used to be yelled at, insulted and humiliated, it wasn't anything she couldn't take. She stopped listening, she was looking at him and not hearing a word. Until he said the words 'and that boyfriend of yours' and she was ready to rip off his tongue or cut his throat, but he didn't insult him, he just used him to keep insulting her. She wasn't able to stop listening again, she heard the truth she spent months avoiding. So, everyone knew that he was too much for her and he was going to leave her for something better sooner or later.

She left, hearing how Alicia told Angel that there were smarter people than her there but he wasn't one of them.

Now Angel apologized but the damage was done. She went there thinking of leaving the case before starting, thinking that there were other people more capable than her. But she accepted his apologize, obviously, what else could've her done?

She didn’t have the time to talk with her superiors though, Alicia shouted her name, asking her to follow her and she did it, as always. No wonder why everyone thought she was her best friend, although Raquel was sure she looked more like her pet than a friend.

*

Raquel was working harder than ever. She couldn’t help but feeling like in her first years as an inspector, trying to prove everyone wrong when they said she wasn’t capable. But she wasn’t trying to prove everyone else wrong this time, she was trying to prove herself wrong. She thought she wasn’t capable but deep down she _knew_ she was. Besides it gave her something to think. She woke up and went to work, came back and went to bed, she was the first one arriving and last one leaving.

She was clinging to work as if her life depended on it. But just a week later, when she was at her best, it slapped her.

“You really are better off without him. You’re killing it, Murillo” Alicia said, after Raquel was complimented for the third time since she started working with them. “You did good on leaving him.”

“What?” she asked trying not to lose the smile.

“What, you didn’t leave him? Did he leave you? I don’t believe that, you’re the best he could get.”

“What are you talking about? What makes you think he… What makes you think we’re not together anymore?”

“Well, he doesn’t come around here anymore and you don’t look at your phone in all day. And you clearly have a lot of accumulated energy and are putting all of it into work.”

Sergio had been around there, to pick her up for lunch or when she was leaving late, sending death looks to Alicia which she always responded with winks. After the little accident Raquel had in March, he had been around just to check everything was okay, and it became a habit. She didn’t mind, thought no one paid attention to her to noticed. But they did notice it, Angel mostly. He and Sergio talked a few times while he waited for her. She was able to see the discomfort in Sergio when he asked if she was aware that Angel liked her. Raquel laughed at him and said that Angel probably liked every female on earth.

“Look, I don’t care, I was just saying” Alicia said and leave her alone.

Why was Alicia paying any attention to her? She probably missed winking at Sergio and making him uncomfortable. And if she did miss him, she wasn’t the only one.

Alicia was right, Raquel was putting not only all of her energy into work, she was putting all of her attention in it, thinking that if she stopped for one second, she would fell apart.

But now the thinking was in her mind. He left her and she was all alone again. She wanted to kill Alicia for bringing the subject up just when she had to go home.

Instead of getting into bed immediately, she cooked and had dinner for the first time since that night, since the night before that night. She was used to cook for two so she had to give Stockholm some.

“How have you been? Sorry I haven’t been around much lately, I have a lot of work” she said caressing the cat.

She didn’t want to ask her if she missed her, she knew the answer. She guessed it was good that she got a cat and not a dog.

Stockholm let her touch her just for a couple minutes and then walked away as usual.

“You’re not hungry?” she asked as she saw the cat walking away, it didn’t touch the food. “Yes, me neither” kept talking alone and threw the leftovers in the trash before going to bed.

That was the first night Raquel wasn’t tired enough to sleep as soon as she lay down. She was in her side of the bed, trying not to think of the empty space next to her. She turned to lay on her side and stared at the wall, trying not think of him.

She tried to convince herself before, that it was for the best. He was going to leave her eventually, better sooner than waiting for later and get more attached. That way he had time to get someone worthy of him, someone who could give him everything he deserved and more. She was fine alone; she was going to be fine.

  
  


Raquel kept her routine pretty organized, she kept herself very busy. She had a plan, she was distracting herself for as long as she could, hoping it wouldn’t hurt so much after some time.

Stockholm wasn’t being very helpful, she was being a real demon. She was destroying things, she was marking territory all over the apartment, she was pushing her food bowl and throwing it everywhere. Raquel didn’t mind cleaning the mess every time she came home, but she was also mewing all night without letting her sleep.

Raquel was angry at her; she was so tired. After two nights without any sleep, she didn’t try to calm her down, she just lied in bed, crying and screaming with a pillow against her face. Stockholm not only cried loudly all night, she scratched the entrance door to the point where the marks where very visible. Raquel knew what was going on and it felt like a punishment. And Stockholm had every right to punish her, it was her fault.

Eventually she stopped and didn’t bother to scratch Raquel when she tried to touch her. Raquel almost cried when that happened, she wasn’t talking to her nor touching her because she was angry but she missed her.

“I’m sorry” she said wiping her tears with her free hand as she kept stroking her.

When Raquel thought they were okay again, she finally realized she wasn’t eating the food she left for her every morning. She couldn’t tell when it started and that scared her, she was so busy being angry about the mess and the crying that didn’t notice she wasn’t eating. She felt so bad for that, she was so stupid. She tried encourage her to eat, sitting with her and bringing the food close to her mouth, talking and treating her nicely, playing with her, things she wasn’t doing much lately. At first, she managed to make her eat a little and play, but then she stopped again and Raquel didn’t know what else to do besides crying and asking her please.

After spending the night in the floor with her and seeing that she didn’t move at any moment, she knew she had to take her to the vet. She didn’t change before leaving the apartment, didn’t inform anyone that she wasn’t going to work, didn’t even take her ringing phone. She was crying since she woke up and she cried all the time they were in the vet. She already knew what it was but at least someone told her what to do. Everything was much easier when someone was telling her what to do.

They spent the morning out, Stockholm was dehydrated and needed a drip. She was glad they let her stay with her, she didn’t feel like leaving her in that moment.

“You’re going to be okay, I promise” she whispered only for her to hear. “I’m so sorry for this, I should've notice, I should've thought of you” her voice cracking with every word. “But you’re going to be okay, I’ll do anything for you to be okay. I promise I will try to be enough, _I will be_ enough for you. It will be us against the world. I promise you’ll never be alone, I will never leave you, never” she wiped the tears quickly, afraid of someone seeing her, but she didn’t stop talking. “But you can’t leave me either, okay? I love you, I don’t want to lose you” she looked straight into her sad eyes. “Please, don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone” she confessed so quietly she couldn’t hear herself.

At home, she didn’t leave her side. Stockholm already looked a little better and she hated herself for not taking her to vet sooner. She promised her she was going to take better care of her, telling her that she was her priority now. Still in the floor, trying to make her play with her new toys, she finally took her phone and called Alicia.

“You better be on your way.”

“I’m sorry but my cat got sick, I can’t leave her” Raquel was trying to sound normal and not cry, she had to be strong for Stockholm.

“Yes you can, cats are very independent and I’m sure it can survive alone. You come here right now, they’ve been asking for you and I don’t know why but I covered for you, so be fucking grateful and come here right now, it’s an important day.”

“I can’t, I’m sorry” she sighed when she heard her talk again, angrier. “Look, Alicia, I’m sure I am very helpful but I’m not essential. You all will be perfectly fine without me.”

“Are you really going to put your cat over your job?”

Raquel didn’t answer.

“Murillo!”

“I’m the only thing she has” and she was the only thing Raquel had.

“I don’t care, it’s a fucking cat. Come here right now!”

“I’m so sorry for Comisario, he deserves better” she hanged and turned off the phone.

Raquel knew Alicia had a cat, she had it as her lock screen and Raquel just had to ask about it. Raquel hoped in that moment that Alicia also had someone to take care of him.

She looked at Stockholm and couldn’t help but take her in her arms and hug her tight until she complained very loudly.

  
  


Stockholm started getting better every day and Raquel started feeling bad.

They were alone, they had each other but he left them. It was real, it finally happened. Raquel didn't know exactly how to feel, she wasn't sure she understood what happened. She knew he left them and he wasn't coming back, but she didn't know how to react.

She centered in Stockholm as much as she could, she was her priority, but as Stockholm got better started ignoring her more often as she used to, and Raquel didn't have much to do. Obviously at work she went back to being the one bringing everyone coffee and sometimes shared her ideas, but it wasn't as appreciated as it was at the beginning. She didn't really care at first, it was perfect because she could leave early and go home to Stockholm.

Raquel had set a routine with her where they played a little in the morning and a little at night, but Stockholm didn’t even look at her when she come home on Friday. Raquel wasn't in the mood to play anyway, even if it was the only thing that made her smile right now.

That week was the most insignificant week she lived in months, literally nothing happened, but she was tired. Nothing was happening outside, but in inside her head there was a war. She spent the whole week fighting intrusive thoughts, ignoring the physical and emotional pain, trying to focus on keeping breathing.

She was tired but didn't sleep much that night.

The next morning, she got up to feed Stockholm just to lay down in the couch after. Tried to read book or watch a movie but she stared at the TV or the pages unable to concentrate.

She was too tired to cook too so she ordered a pizza and drank some wine as she waited for it.

Ten minutes and two glasses after, she sat in the couch again and opened the box just to stare at the pizza in front of her. She wanted to vomit at the idea of food going into her mouth.

Raquel was pretty sure she regained her hunger. On a normal weekend after three orgasms in a row, her stomach roared as it always did to remind her that she had to eat, but that time she felt the hunger and was craving a pizza. It was the first time she craved food in years and it was the first time she really enjoyed eating in years. She tried not to think much of it because she didn't want to get obsessed but she thought she was fine with food again.

And now she wanted to vomit at the idea of food going into her mouth. She forced herself to eat a slice but she couldn't continue because if she did, she was actually going to throw up.

She spent the rest of the day in the couch, staring at the ceiling and hearing herself screaming inside, wanting to get out of her body, wanting to ran away from her life. That poor woman trapped in her body wanted to ran to Sergio but instead she just stayed still there. She knew how it was, she knew it would pass. She just had to survive until she got used to it, until it felt like nothing.

It hurt but still she didn't know what she was supposed to do.

The night came and her apartment was dark. She took a deep breath and got up, took the box of pizza and left it on the table for tomorrow, brushed her teeth and went to bed. She didn't complain about not being able to sleep, she just stayed there for one, two, three hours until she just let the tears come out. She laid in bed and just cried, didn't make much noise because she was focused on breathing, because it hurt so much she thought she could just stop doing it at any moment. She didn't move, she couldn't, she could barely maintain her eyes opened. She felt she could die, she wanted to, but she kept breathing, forcing the air into her lungs. It was hard but she had to do it, she promised Stockholm she would stay and she wasn’t breaking her promise.

She didn't know at what time did she stop and at what time did she fall asleep.

On Sunday she got out to go on a walk feeling that needed some fresh air. It was suffocating, it never was so hard to breathe like that. She couldn't think of anything else but breathing, she was going to die if she stopped. The walk didn't last long, it just made her feel worse. As soon as she was home, she took Stockholm and locked themselves in the bathroom. She wanted to hug her but Stockholm obviously didn't want that, when Raquel wanted it, she didn't want it and when Stockholm wanted it Raquel wanted it. She needed it all the time.

She tried to breathe well, she felt her head was about to explode.

The bathroom wasn't big and it was clean and clear. She needed to feel big, she needed Stockholm in the same room not to feel alone.

She couldn't stop thinking of how big the world was and how tiny she was in comparison. How alone she was too; there was other people in the world, billions, but she didn't know almost anyone. How many of them were bad people and wanted to hurt her? She knew she would probably never meet any more of them, but knowing they were out there just scared her. She was tired but if she closed her eyes, she could only imagine the walls going away and she staying nowhere. Raquel wanted to be nowhere, she wanted to get out, but being alone scared her to death.

She noticed she was out of breath and tried to think something else. Finally, she closed her eyes and she imagined she was home, her mom was there, she was safe.

Raquel woke up because Stockholm was scratching the part of the door she was resting against.

She dried her wet face with the palms of her hands and got up to open the door. She walked out slowly, carefully looking around. She knew there was no one there, but deep inside her she was hoping everything was a nightmare and her mother was there to hug her and tell her it was okay.

She let herself fell in the bed and immediately felt Stockholm climbing to settle on her back.

"Thank you" she whispered.  
  
*  
  
Raquel didn't say a word if she didn't necessarily have to, she didn't touched Stockholm unless it was her who came and demanded it. She spent an unhealthy amount of time in front of the mirror. She didn't stop eating, it was more of a punishment doing it that not doing it. She bathed with freezing or boiling water. She masturbated and stopped right before reaching the orgasm. She slept in the floor and didn't take any painkillers when her body hurt the next day. She set alarms in the middle of the night and forced herself to get up and stay standing until she was awake so she didn't have any good sleep, but that was good, she was dreaming of her mother too much again.

She didn't know why she did any of it, but it was comforting to know that she was capable of punishing herself if she did bad, she didn’t need anyone to do it for her.

She didn't need anyone to leave her sleeping in the backyard in midwinter. She didn’t need anyone to push her head down in the bathtub. She didn't need to see anyone intentionally ignoring her when it was the only one she saw. She didn’t need any insult nor humiliation. She didn't need anyone depriving her of basic human needs such as food, water, showers or sleep.

There was some kind of comfort in that, a bittersweet pleasure, she knew she was crazy for thinking of it but it was nice, to be the one making the decisions, to be the one setting the limits, to be the one punishing. It was bad to be doing it to herself but the control was her reward. In those moments, she would fight with herself, force herself to think of every little thing she did wrong, to regret it.

And after just a few days, the punishments weren't necessary anymore, she knew exactly what she had done and she wasn't proud of it, she regretted it and learned her lesson, that was what it mattered.

She kept thinking of it every day. And she thought of Sergio when she had some time.

She got it, she got it this time: she was made to be alone. She was made to be alone and she knew how to do that, it wasn't like she ever needed him, she survived almost four years without him, she could live the rest of her life alone and it would be fine.

There were dark times, like every person she had those, it remembered her that she felt things like the other people. Once she got so dark that thought of getting in touch with Alberto, of going to see him and make him so mad until he hurt her; she wanted to know how much she could take now. But those times she just stared at Stockholm next to her, or at the window or the wall, until her eyelids weighted and finally fell asleep, and just like that it was over.

But some nights that didn’t happened.

She ate everything in her fridge and forced herself to throw up; it hurt so much that she felt her throat hurting even after. Once empty, brushed her teeth and went to bed. But she felt too uncomfortable to sleep. She ran that afternoon, trying to get tired, but she almost passed out in the street and knew she had to eat something before bed because she hadn’t eaten in all day. But when she started, she couldn’t stop, then felt physically bad and had to take it out.

It was a lot of things but it was mostly that she missed to be fucked. She got up with that in her head and the thinking never disappeared. She even thought of getting out and get fuck by a not very nice stranger. She also wanted someone to physically hurt her, she was tired of all that emotional bullshit. She could get both things from any stranger really; tell someone she was into masochism and get hit while she was fucked. But if she did that, she probably couldn't handle it. She wasn't as weak as before but still weak. She tried that in her first year in Madrid, she just started yelling and crying uncontrollably when someone touched her and no one deserved to see that, she wasn't going to ruin anyone's night nor traumatize some guy.

Raquel just wanted to be used and hurt and she wasn’t enough for that anymore, not that day. She hated Sergio for never doing it, not physically nor intentionally. If he would've hit her maybe she wouldn't feel as bad for him being gone. She would've let him destroy her, it would’ve been an honor for her, to be destroyed by him. But he was too good to be the one that destroyed her, he was too kind he wouldn't even do it right. And she didn't deserve that anyway. She deserved an asshole, someone who didn't care about her, someone who would forget about her the next day.

As if Sergio wouldn't forget about her.

Sometimes she thought of him and how happy he probably was. She thought of calling him and he not recognizing her voice, or going to see him and him not remembering her. She would just confirm how insignificant she was, how little sense her existence made. She thought of him looking at her with disgust, as if he could never touch her, of him telling her she was confused when she told him that he used to fuck her. She thought of him remembering it and being ashamed of it, of him questioning his sanity for ever doing that. She thought of him literally throwing up by just seeing her face. He was lucky of only introducing her to his brother, he would probably bully him but what brother didn't do that? He would've been so embarrassed if someone else knew he ever dated her. Even she felt sorry for him.

Raquel covered her face with a pillow and pushed it hard, she kept it there for as long as she could until she took it off and gasped for air. Her goal was to faint, but she didn't know if she could die that way. She wasn't ready to die, she had to do so much before that, like taking Stockholm back to the pound. But she wanted to hurt herself so much, she wanted to leave her body and just hit herself until no one could recognize her. Not that anyone would recognize her anyways. Not that anyone would care enough to try.

After that, she told Stockholm she was sorry, told her where the food was in case she didn't wake up. Asked her please not to eat her, warned it could maybe kill her. And finally closed her eyes.

She wanted to write to her family, ask them please not to forget her very quickly, tell them she loved them even if she wasn't sure she actually did. But she could never be sure if she was going to die or wake up in the morning. She felt that so many times and every morning she was alive. She knew she was going to live but the feeling was so real, she could've sworn that if she closed her eyes, she would never wake up again.

  
  


When she opened her eyes the next morning, didn't know if to be glad or sad.  
  
*

  
  


Alicia complimented her on her work once and Raquel thought she was making fun of her. She was the dumbest she ever been and she was doing better? She would never understand people. She didn't need to anyway, Alicia invited her to lunch and Raquel understood when she asked her to pay. Alicia had forgotten her wallet at home that morning, therefor the compliment.

Raquel didn’t know how to say no, and she took the opportunity to go to Hanoi again. Alicia made her the favor to answer Antonio when he asked about Sergio. She couldn’t look at him in the eye, it was embarrassing. She didn’t look at him to the face again for a lot of time, she knew he was giving her pity looks and she didn’t need to see that, it was humiliating.

After that lunch Alicia kept inviting her, most of the times she even paid for her own food and Raquel didn’t understand why was she having lunch with her if she wasn’t getting anything from it.

Raquel didn’t think of it much, didn’t give it much importance. Until once after ignoring her all day, Alicia invited her to some drinks after work. Could Alicia be the asshole she was needing so much? She had a gun; a bullet could be better than any punch. She accepted, she couldn’t have said no anyway.

Alicia said she should pay and Raquel didn't have a problem handing the money. Alicia drank of her drinks and she didn't have a problem with that. Alicia could've asked her do anything and she would've done it. She wasn't sure why though, she was just desperate for someone, she was willing to take anyone.

When two guys sat with them, she thought one of them could be it. But then the one sitting next to her touched her leg under the table and she got so uncomfortable. She wanted to ask him to stop but didn't know how. And that was what she wanted after all; she should've been thankful he was touching her. She drank a lot, getting ready for anything. She would've followed him to the bathroom if he asked, going home with him if he asked, but luckily for her, he didn't… Not that she remembered.

Raquel woke up the next morning in bed, not knowing when or how she got there.

She pushed away the blanket and looked at herself, scared. Her clothes were there and in perfect condition. She was in her house, in her bed. She got up quickly and looked in the bathroom: no one. She got out of the bedroom and there was no one. She ran to the entrance door and it was locked. She was alone and apparently safe.

She let herself fell on the floor and hugged her legs, hiding her face to cry. She was crying of relief, because she was so scared. She felt stupid for drinking out of home, she knew women couldn’t do that being alone, without someone to take care of them. She made sure to hit her head against the wall strong enough for her to learn her lesson.

After a few minutes her head hurt and the cry stopped, but she stayed on the floor.

Raquel didn’t want to be hurt again, she didn’t want the pain to be worse. No, that wasn’t what she wanted, she didn’t want to be hurt, she really didn’t.

She wasn’t guilty of Sergio leaving her, no, that one she wasn’t guilty of. He didn’t care about her enough to hate her, to be mad at her. He was okay and she was going to be okay too.

No one was going to hurt her, no one had that power anymore, only her, and she didn’t want to hurt herself ever again.

*

  
  


Raquel was glad to see that Sergio didn’t forget about her. She knew that wasn’t possible because he had the best memory, but still she was afraid of it sometimes.

At first, in the moment they stopped walking when they saw each other, she knew he remembered her. But then she thought maybe he didn’t remember her and was just trying to remember where did he see her face before. She didn’t give him the time, she left right away.

Raquel saw him before that. He was with his back at her and she got out pretty much running not even a second after getting in. She stopped for a few seconds outside and looked at him through the window. She missed him so fucking much.

The third time she saw him, she was waiting for Alicia, she had to go to her house first and told her to go ahead and wait for her in Hanoi. She was only there for five minutes but when she saw him, she knew she wasn’t waiting another second.

After that one she thought of never going there again, but she was sure she wasn’t going to see him that much, it was impossible.

Right the next day, she was impatiently waiting for her order, afraid of him coming in any time. Sergio told her a lot of times before, that it would be easier for her to order over the phone and then pick it up, but she never listened. She should've. She didn’t see Sergio; she didn’t really know if she would've preferred that.

"Raquel?"

She knew that voice. She still dreamed with that voice because everything was fine when she heard it daily.

She looked at her left and yes, it was her. She looked like an angel, with her cutie blonde curls and her angelic smile. She wanted to cry just by the view of her.

"Monica" she said, surprisingly with the first genuine smile in weeks. The first one caused by another person and not a cat.

"Hi!" she chuckled and opened her arms.

Oh, Raquel thought she didn't deserve her hug, her hugs were too good for her now.

"Hi!" she chuckled too and held the urge to hug her.

But Monica was better than that, Monica was better than everything or everyone in the world. She hugged her and Raquel didn't feel like rejecting it, who was she to reject a gift from heaven?

She hugged her tight, knowing that Monica wouldn't break the hug soon.

Before Sergio, Raquel's hugs ranking had her mother in the number one and Monica number two, and the other people didn't get in the top ten, they weren't worthy of sharing the list with those angels fallen from heaven.

Raquel couldn't believe how she was still able to get all the good energy Monica spread. She guessed she couldn't control it or it was maybe because they were still _them_. Monica was the first person out of her family that she loved and loved her back. Raquel knew they would always love each other unconditionally, no matter what.

She couldn't find another explanation to the fact that her hug made her feel instantly better still after all those years.

When Monica rubbed her back Raquel knew it was enough time hugging and pulled back, but Monica didn't stop touching her, grabbing her hands before she could get further away.

"How are you?" she smiled widely.

She seemed genuinely happy to see her. Raquel thought she wouldn't want to see her ever again after the last time.

"I'm great. How are you?"

"I was fine, much better now. I'm so happy to see you" she caressed her cheek and Raquel's eyes got full of tears she wasn't going to let out until she was in her house alone again.

She made sure to breathe before talking so her voice wouldn’t sound broken. "I'm happy to see you too" she laughed and stopped her hands because if she continued touching her so gently, she was actually going to cry. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm waiting for my cousin, remember him? He lives two blocks away” she quickly explained. “I never come to this side of the city and when I come, I see you, how lucky I am?"

Raquel laughed. What was she talking about? She was crazy.

"Do you live around here?" Monica asked.

"No, work" it was already weird to be asked personal questions like that one. "Wait, to this side of the city? Do you come to other sides?"

"I've been living here for almost ten months now" she said with an apologetic voice and Raquel saw it coming. "I would've called you or something but I don't have your new number or your new address, sorry."

"No, god, it's fine. You have nothing to be sorry about" she forced a smile, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.

All the years apart became real again. Raquel wasn’t the same Monica used to love.

"Well, I think I bumped into you today because you were meant to give me your number so we can have lunch or something one of these days."

Raquel was tempted to give her a fake number, knowing that she would probably never see her again, and if she did, she could play dumb and say that she made a mistake. But she didn't have the heart to do that. She just gave her her number, because she probably wouldn't text her anyway, she was just being nice to an old friend, she would soon forget about seeing her.

Raquel left, trying not to feel bad. She got a hug! That should’ve made her week, she shouldn't feel bad.

For the first time in weeks, her mind was filled by another person. It was kind of a relief but it was still painful: it was just another person that she had lost.

She was already convinced that Monica forgot about her when two days later she called her to invite her to lunch. Raquel didn't want to, it was weird, but she couldn’t say no. And Monica didn't deserve a no. So she accepted, saying that it could be good to see a friendly face for at least half an hour that was when she was planning to fake a call to finish the lunch.

But it was nice, they didn't ask many questions about the years they had not seen each other, they just talked about the present. That in the first lunch, but in the second one the questions were made and Raquel wasn't ready for it. It wasn't that bad, she could've asked about why she stopped talking to them, about her divorce and the reason behind her escape. She just asked how she'd been, if she had new friends or a new partner. She said she had some friends and hopped she never met Alicia or any of her coworkers, also said she had been happily single since her divorce and not wanting for a relationship ever again, she said she had some casual sex regularly for it not to sound too sad. She lied a lot and when she ran out of ideas avoided the questions with other questions. What else was she supposed to do? Tell her that she got a cat and named it after her because she was needing and missing her so much? No, she had to look well and happy.

Monica was still in touch with all of their friends, still having the best relationship with her family and still very much in love. Raquel was jealous but happy for her at the same time. Monica did deserve happiness, that was why she had it.

Raquel kept getting lunch with her very often and it was almost like being friends again. She felt a little less lonely and a little less sad.

Until in one of those times she saw Sergio again.

She felt so nervous, as if Monica could recognize him and ask her questions about him.

"We should take the food and eat somewhere else" she suggested, feeling her hands sweating and that she couldn't breathe.

"You were just complaining about how hot it was outside, I thought you would love any place with ac."

She didn't respond because she froze when she saw that he was getting up. Luckily Monica wasn't paying attention to her. It was obvious that he wasn't going to talk to her but still she felt her heart racing as he walked near her on the way to the exit. She could only breathe when he was out.

That was the most horrible situation she had live in years. That until she had to get lunch in the same place that him at the same time that him. She sneakily looked at him, trying to keep Monica from noticing. She wasn't worried about him because he didn't look at her at any moment. He seemed fine, he didn't look like he cared about her being there so she tried to calm down.

Seeing Sergio only made Raquel realize she was still alone. She had company for lunch and night drinks pretty much every day, but Alicia certainly didn’t care about her and Monica… They weren’t going to be real friends again, every word she said to her was a lie and she was never going to be comfortable to tell her anything true again. Raquel was faking every day all day in front everyone. She wasn’t fine, she wasn’t happy, she didn’t enjoy the company of no one other than Sergio’s. She was alone and tired of faking, but she wasn’t going to stop, what else could she do? The only thing she did besides that was cuddling her cat, Stockholm was the only one who she could talk honestly with. It was sad and Monica, let alone Alicia, would never know that.

Raquel suspected that Monica could know that she _that_ alone, when she saw her cousin, Mateo, one day when she arrived to Hanoi to have lunch with her. Obviously, he approached her when he saw her, he talked to her kindly as he always used to do. Raquel confirmed her theory when he said that apparently Monica stood him up and he invited her to sit with him in his table.

_Their table._

Raquel tried not to think about a stupid table but her heart broke a little at the idea of someone else sitting in front of her.

She tried to be nice, to talk and be nice, because he was being nice. But in the end, she just asked him if he knew about Monica’s plan. She didn’t believe him much when he said he didn’t, but she let it go, only after making sure he knew and understood that they weren’t going to happen.

“What is his name?” he asked after she said she wasn’t looking for a relationship nor _anything_ like it.

“Why does there have to be someone?”

“Because you already rejected me before, and it didn’t hurt then because I understood there was someone else and it wasn’t because of me. I need a name not to feel bad about myself.”

She laughed. “There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m sure there’s a long line of women waiting.”

“Oh, I never said there wasn’t” he said and she laughed again. “But you were always… You know.”

“Come on, the only reason you keep insisting is because I was the only one who ever said ‘no’ to you. And it’s good that I’m saying no again, your ego is a little through the roof still.”

He gave her a smug smile and she knew she was right. He didn’t want her because of her, he wanted her because she rejected him before. Of course he wanted her because he had his ego hurt before, why else would he still want her? Raquel felt glad that she was able to say no then, just needed him to stop insisting because she didn’t know how much could she resist.

“You didn’t tell me his name. Or maybe is her name” he raised an eyebrow, a little more interested.

“There is no name. I don’t want you. I can not want you, you know.”

“There is a name” he smiled.

Raquel sighed and shook her head, giving up. She let him know there was someone, but she wasn’t going to tell him his name, and she wasn’t going to sleep with him. She was lucky he didn’t show up a few weeks earlier, otherwise the story would've been different.

Did Monica know that was the only thing he wanted? Raquel was hoping she didn’t. Suddenly she got so angry at her. Who was she to stick her nose into her life? They weren't friends anymore; she had no right.

Of course, she didn't say anything to her, she couldn’t. Instead, just said she wasn’t interested and moved on.  
  
  


*

Raquel felt uncomfortable all the way from her house to Hanoi. She felt uncomfortable the moment she put on those clothes actually, she felt uncomfortable even before looking in the mirror. She could've sworn that Stockholm gave her an amused look. The last time she felt so uncomfortable with her clothes was when she tried it on in the store, and before that the previous weekend when she had Alicia’s clothes on, and before that when she and Sergio where about to go out for Valentine’s day and she had her dress on. Sergio was able to see how uncomfortable she was and let her change. Alicia didn’t see it; Raquel was lucky enough she didn’t force her to buy a dress or a skirt.

The first time they agreed to have a drink on the weekend, not after work, Alicia wasn’t very nice about her clothes, said she wasn’t getting in there with her ‘looking like that’ and Raquel almost cried, but instead nodded her head, wished her a good night and turned around to go back home. Alicia didn’t let her, she grabbed her by the arm and pushed to her car. She took her to her house and lend her some clothes.

Alicia never had a problem with her clothes before that because they went directly to the bar after work and never changed, and she somehow managed to still look amazing after a long day anyway. But that day Alicia was dressed for the night and Raquel… She didn’t have night clothes, not that kind of night clothes.

Alicia said she was taking her shopping that same day and Raquel couldn’t say no, mostly because Alicia wasn’t asking. Raquel didn’t understand why did she care so much, but when she asked why was she being so nice to her, Alicia said “If you think this is nice people clearly don’t treat you nice enough” and Raquel felt ashamed, so she didn’t ask questions anymore.

Raquel knew they weren’t friends and didn’t really understand why Alicia kept inviting her, she suspected that Alicia didn’t any friends either and that made her feel a little better with herself, she hated it but she couldn’t help it.

Raquel was glad to see her outside when she arrived to Hanoi, she didn’t feel brave enough to get in on her own.

Alicia whistled as she walked and Raquel felt embarrassed. Did she want to make her more uncomfortable?

“Murillo, Murillo” she sighed and grabbed her face with one hand as soon as she was standing in front of her. “Should we have bought makeup too?” she said putting lipstick on Raquel's lips.

Raquel didn’t see it coming and got tense when she grabbed her like that, her cheeks hurt.

Alicia rubbed her own lips together and Raquel mirrored her.

If not a friend, maybe her pet.

Raquel thought it made sense. They never talked, they just drank in each other’s company, that until men arrived and Raquel tried not to look uncomfortable, not open to it either. It worked well until now, they always touched her a little but never more than she could take, never enough for her to fear. She was lucky they understood when she turned her head before getting kissed, one kissed her neck once when she did that but Alicia saved her. She never said ‘no’ explicitly, so she was relying into them getting her signs. She knew someone wouldn’t understand someday, she didn’t know what would she do then but she was determined not to worry beforehand, she would worry when necessary.

That night wasn’t different. The guys seemed nice and Alicia knew them, so she was a little bit more comfortable, enough to forget about her clothes. She didn’t talk, as usual, she let them talk about themselves, mostly trying to impress her. Alicia looked amused and fought everything they said. Raquel felt they wouldn’t notice if she left; she was finally invisible, it was actually nice. She would've wished to be more invested into the conversation though, because if she was, she wouldn’t have been looking around and she wouldn’t have seen him.

She tried to be there, with the people she was sharing the table, looking at them, listening to them. But her heart raced at a point she could hear it in her ears over the music.

She didn't look at him much because he was looking, she could feel his stare and didn’t know how to act. She tried to smile, she laughed when they laughed, but she wanted to hide and cry.

A few minutes later Raquel allowed herself to look at him, she didn’t feel his stare anymore, and when she saw him, she got why. Why would he keep staring at her when he had such a beautiful woman next to him? He looked so good, she looked so good, they looked so good together.

Raquel was never the kind of girlfriend who hated her boyfriends' friends or relates, never even secretly wished them not to talk anymore if she thought they were a 'bad influence'. She knew that no one forced no one to do anything and if her boyfriends did something bad being with them, well they were responsible for their own actions, if they did something was because they wanted to.

Raquel didn't know how she knew but she _knew_ , Sergio's companion was Andres’ fault and she hated him for it. She knew Sergio wasn't being forced, he never did anything he didn't want, unless he had a reward of course, but she couldn't think of it as that kind of situation. He seemed to be enjoying himself and the company of that woman, he was comfortable, she knew it because he was talking a lot. He was talking and she was listening, Raquel knew how Sergio loved to talk and be heard, they spent whole nights like that, with him talking and she listening; Raquel loved to listen to him. No, Sergio wasn't being forced to be there, with her. Obviously he wasn't, why would he not want to be there with her? That woman was pretty, a lot prettier than her, clearly younger, sexier, she seemed smart, but not smarter than him, otherwise she would've been saying something instead of just listening to him, but it was hard to be smarter than him so she didn't judge her. Just when Raquel thought the woman wasn't talking, she did, and Raquel looked other way when he turned his head. If they noticed her watching she would kill herself.

“Are you alright?” the man next to her asked.

Just then she realized she was breathing fast.

“Yes” she smiled and grabbed her glass to finish her drink. “It’s just a little hot in here.”

He smiled and raised his eyebrows and Raquel rolled her eyes.

“You’re very quiet” he said and Raquel was relieved he didn’t make a joke about her being hot, but she got nervous about him noticing her silence.

“I prefer listening more than talking.”

“But I’m sure you have a lot to say…”

“She’s just nervous because her idiot ex is here” Alicia said and Raquel wanted to break her glass against her head.

“Really? Which one is he?” said the man next to Alicia, looking around.

Raquel realized she didn’t know their names and they probably didn’t know hers. Raquel hated that the three of them were looking at her now, talking to her. Why couldn’t she remain invisible?

Alicia pointed at Sergio and Raquel wanted to get out, it was enough. She just wished he didn’t notice, she was internally begging he didn’t notice.

“Ouch. That must hurt” the one next to Raquel said.

She looked at him and then looked at where he was staring. Sergio and the woman were against each other and she had her face on his neck. Raquel looked other way immediately, different than what she once thought, she wasn’t a masochist.

“It’s fine” she laughed, looking at the three of them who were looking at her. When was the last time so many people looked at her at the same time?

“We broke up months ago, I’m very much over him” she made sure to keep smiling, trying to control the pain not to cry just yet.

“Good for you” Alicia raised her glass and the four of them toasted laughing.

Raquel abstained from sighing in relief when Alicia got their attention again. That was the nicest thing she ever did for her besides taking her home the day she got really drunk and Raquel was sure it was going to cost something in the future, but she couldn’t think of it for more than two seconds:

Sergio was with someone else already. Was she it? Did he finally find the right woman for him? Raquel was happy for him of course, but deep down she was hoping that never happen. It hurt a lot, everywhere, she thought she could die from the pain. She wanted to go home and cry but she couldn’t move and she didn’t want to leave Alicia alone. Alicia was always the first one leaving, Alicia was the one who called it the night, Raquel didn’t even know if she was allowed to do that.

She looked at the man next to her, wishing to know his name.

Was it time to move on? Was it time to let someone touch her more than they already did without asking her? They weren’t together anymore but she didn't feel good doing it, it felt like cheating. They weren’t together anymore but she was still with him, she was still his. But he was doing it, why couldn’t she do it as well? Why was she still being so faithful to someone who wasn’t being it to her? She was stupid.

It wasn't that she didn't want to, she was masturbating and depriving herself from orgasms, work wasn't enough for her to put all of her libido in it, and although she was walking everywhere again that wasn't enough exercise. She didn't know if they had sex _that_ often for her to be that horny, for her to be that affected by the sudden lack of it. In the last month they were together they only had sex two or three times a week, when in her previous relationships it was pretty much every day even after a year of being together, like it was a part of the routine. But Sergio was different, she knew he was, he thought he was asexual, maybe he actually was, how often can asexuals get horny? Wow, she really let them decide over their sexual life. Why was she still letting him decide over her sex life even after months of being separated? She was so stupid.

Anger was added to sadness. Yes, that woman could be perfect for him but was she his? Was she willing to be entirely his for him to do whatever he wanted with her? She hated that woman. She hated Sergio for being with her. She hated herself for hating them when they didn’t care about her.

She wanted to cry and break things. She was so relieved when Alicia got up to leave, but she barely said goodbye and left with her man, leaving her alone with the one sitting next to her. Alicia always did that, why did she thought it was going to be different?

She didn’t let him talk at all.

“I should go too” she stood up and got nervous when he did it too.

“Let me take you home” he said.

“No. Thank you, but I’m fine” she smiled politely.

She was so fucking tired of being polite with men who spent the night touching her legs under the table without her permission. But she said anyway: “It was nice to meet you. Have a good night” and she left walking fast, holding the urge to run.

Outside, she felt she could breathe again and stayed there for a moment, enjoying the fresh air.

Sergio was inside with another woman, probably having the time of his life.

Raquel sighed and covered her face. _Not time to cry yet, Raquel_ she thought to herself and started walking back home.

She didn’t walk more than a block when she had to speed up as she felt someone behind her, and walked even faster when she was sure she was being followed. If she wasn't wrong, they followed her from the moment she got out of Hanoi. She thought it could be Alicia's friend, didn't know if that would've been better.

She was really nervous and acted by impulse when she got into a taxi that just parked for someone else.

"Please, drive" she begged and didn't recognized her own voice, she sounded so scared.

She breathed again when the car moved. The taxi driver asked and she barely answered, not that she trusted him that much. She was still scared from the person following her, the taxi driver was still a man, she wasn't going to feel safe until she was home with her door locked.

And that was exactly what happened. She paid for the ride and literally ran to her apartment.

Just there she was able to think that maybe, maybe, she wasn't being followed. Whether she was being followed or not, she tried to forget about it so her hands could stop shaking.

Minutes later, after taking a few deep breaths and drinking some water, Raquel felt calm enough to change her clothes and go to bed, but someone knocked her door and she got on alert again. Did they follow her home? She tried to ignore it but they knocked again less than a minute later.

She ran to get her gun and just then, still not feeling safe enough though, approached the door and asked:

"Who is it?"

"It's me."

And she let out the breath she didn't know she was holding. She almost opened the door to hug him, but she walked fast to hide the gun and to lock Stockholm in her bedroom; she didn't need to see him, she was doing well. A part of Raquel thought of letting her out to face him, maybe she could be angry at him and attack him, but that would've been childish of both of them.

"It's Sergio" she heard him say when she was on her way to the door again.

Did he think she wouldn't recognize his voice?

"Sergio Marquina" he said as if he thought she didn't remember him. "Raquel, are you there?"

And she realized she was taking very long in opening the door.

He was leaving when she did, but he stopped.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, not understanding why was he there, looking for her, instead of being in bed with that pretty woman.

He took a step forward and she had to take a step back because he was so close. And just like that he was inside her apartment and she was against the wall, but he wasn't touching her, not yet.

He didn't look sure about why was he there, at least not sure about answering. She thought he was sure about why was he there.

"I thought... maybe, we could..." he was so close she could feel the smell of alcohol.

That wasn't Sergio, he was just drunk. What happened to the Sergio who knew when to stop?

"No, I don't think so."

He didn't even say hi to her and he wanted that?

"Why not? You clearly went there looking for it."

She frowned at him. What was that supposed to mean?

"What? Are you waiting for that idiot you were talking with?" he chuckled.

And she got angry.

"What that fuck do you care?" and tried to push him away but he didn't move at all.

He had no right. She didn't want to believe he was the 'I don’t want you but I don’t want you to be with anyone else either’ kind of ex. He wasn’t, right? Yes, she was still his anyway but she was the one who could say it, the one making that decision, not him.

"You're right, I don't fucking care and you're free to fuck whoever you want, but right now he isn't here, I am."

"How do you know he isn't in the bedroom?" she didn't know why she said that, she was angry and wanted to make him angry, but he was drunk and she thought she shouldn't push him.

He clenched his jaw and looked in the direction of the bedroom.

"He isn't" she said when she thought he was about to go there. She needed to protect Stockholm, and it would be harder to take him out if she let him in.

He looked at her again and immediately hide his face in her neck, starting to kiss her.

"Sergio..." she moved to one side and tried to stop him.

"Please, Raquel. I'm not asking you to marry me, I just want sex."

She thought of doing it, it would be easy to please him, she just had to say yes, open her legs and let him do. But then she realized what he just said and got angry again.

"You should go fuck that woman you were with if you want it so much."

That wasn’t at all what she wanted to say, she made it so obvious that she was jealous of her. Fortunately, he didn’t seem to notice.

“I don’t want her. I want you.”

“You’re drunk and don’t know what you’re doing.”

She gasped in surprise when he pressed her against the wall, he took her off guard.

“I know exactly what I’m doing and what I want, Raquel. I’m not stupid.”

Raquel knew what he meant with that. She used to project her doubts on him. He knew it was hard for her, she thought he understood.

“Well, congratulations” she smiled falsely. _You a_ _sshole_ , she wanted to add for basically calling her stupid, but he was drunk and angry and she preferred not to push him any more. “I’m saying no. Go.”

Sergio pulled closer to her, looking directly into her eyes. No, he wasn’t angry. Was he hurt like her?

“Raquel...” he said.

“Sergio, please” she said quietly.

She was hurt, sad, still a little scared from before. She couldn’t have him around right now.

“Leave.”

He took a step back, looking defeated.

“I’m sorry” he whispered, rubbing his eyes under his glasses.

“It’s okay. Just go.”

He pushed his glasses up his nose and got out fast.

Raquel followed him through the hallway, just thinking about something.

“Did you drive here?” and she stopped walking, seeing him go. “Sergio!”

She tried to convince herself that he didn’t, because he wouldn’t do that, but the Sergio she knew would not even have showed at her door, let alone asking for sex. Did he change that much since she was gone? Or was he just too drunk that he thought of going for it?

It would've been better if she just said yes. She wanted to, whether it was because she actually wanted to or because she wanted to please him, she didn’t know, but she wanted to.

She went to bed but she couldn’t sleep. She wanted to call him, make sure he got home safe. She punished herself imagining that he went for the other woman and he was in her bed. She was now hurt, sad, worried, scared and jealous.

She fell asleep at some point at sunrise.

When she woke up, she had a message from him.

**I’m so very sorry. Please remember the good.**

And she finally cried.


	17. I miss you, I'm sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still reading after the last chapter, thank you ❤😅

Sergio spent whole ten minutes kicking and punching the air while lying on his back when he woke up that morning. He was so embarrassed because he was so stupid. He was following her like a stalker and probably scared her, and then he went to her house and of all things he asked for sex? Maybe she wouldn’t have kicked him out if he said anything else but that.

He pressed his pillow against his face and screamed.

He just wanted to be with her but didn’t want to scare her saying that he wanted her to take him back, she probably would've said no and that would've been embarrassing. He didn’t think that she rejecting sex would be even more embarrassing. She looked like she would accept sex, why didn’t she accept him? Was it because he was his ex? Was she afraid of him having feelings? He never stopped having feeling but she didn’t know that and she didn’t need to know that.

He wanted to focus on the embarrassment instead of the pain, but she rejected him and he was hurt. Embarrassed and hurt. If she didn’t accept sex it was because she didn’t like him that way anymore and if she didn’t like him that way anymore then she didn’t like him at all, because she clearly didn’t like him enough to have him around as a friend. He could be her friend if she let him, he would love to be her friend again, he never wanted to stop being her friend. And he would take anything at this point. He asked for sex because he thought it was the most insignificant thing to ask, easy, just one night with no feelings -at least not that she knew-, and because she was probably thinking of having sex that night, so he volunteered to be the one, for her to used him as she liked. Sergio never hated to be himself until now, because he was sure she rejected him because he was him, his ex, the person who loved her and knew her, and its never casual sex when it’s with an ex. He was just hoping the guy from Hanoi wasn’t in her bedroom, she said he wasn’t but maybe she lied for him to go. What he could've done anyway? The only thing he could've think in the moment she insinuated that he was in her bedroom was to get in there, put his hands around his neck and drag him out, maybe kick him a little bit but just taking him out. Whether he was in there or not, Sergio was relived he didn’t even go check, because doing that would've been worse, he wouldn’t just be embarrassed, he would literally hate himself for that. He wasn’t her boyfriend anymore, he had no right to even express his opinion on who was in her bed, but he just hated those people even if he didn’t know any of them.

He looked at the ceiling, finally still again, just sad. She didn’t want him in any way anymore and he had to accept that once and for all.

*

Once Raquel finished crying, she reread his message just to cry again. She knew she was going to cry again and she read it because she wanted to cry again, she needed to take it out, it was slowly killing her inside.

When she didn’t have any tears left, she stared at the ceiling, hating herself a little more. Always, when she thought she couldn’t hate herself any more, she did.

Sergio went there, wanting to sleep with _her_ and she dared to say no. For a moment she thought that he left that woman he was with at Hanoi for her, but then thought that probably she rejected him and that was why he was there, she was his second option. But that didn’t matter, she shouldn’t have said no, she had no right. Always, when she thought she couldn’t be more stupid, she was.

It didn’t matter if she was sad, hurt or scared, she should've done it, for him; it wasn’t about her, it was about him, it was for him. He deserved a yes and she should've given him a yes. Yes, she would've faked, lied again, but he already dumped her, so he couldn’t dump her again as he said he would if she ever faked again. She was so stupid and she hated herself.

She turned around to lie on her stomach and scream against her pillow, kicking and punching the mattress. She wanted to slap herself but she promised she wouldn’t do it again. She also promised herself she would always please Sergio and she didn’t do it that night… So her promises didn’t really matter.

“He wanted to sleep with you” she said as she slapped her own cheek with all the strength she had. “And you dared to say no” she did it a few times more but it wasn’t as real if she did it herself.

She wanted to go to him, get on her knees and beg for forgiveness. She would let him fuck her after forgiving her, she would offer it before just to convince him of forgiving her, but he would probably reject her, because the only reason he wanted her last night was because he was drunk, he wouldn’t want her being sober, he had to be insane. Maybe if she begged for that too…

She wanted to text him sorry too, but she didn’t, it was better if both of them just forgot about it.

*

  
  


**Raquel: Can I come over?**

**Sergio: Now you’re the one who’s drunk?**

**Raquel: Drunk enough to text you**

**Raquel: Not drunk enough for you to feel guilty about it**

**Sergio: You can come if you want**

**Sergio: But we’re not doing anything if that’s what you mean with “it”**

  
  


Raquel couldn’t help it, she needed it, she needed to stop feeling guilty about rejecting him, she couldn’t live in a world where _she_ rejected _him_ , it wasn’t right, it should be the other way around. She wasn’t planning on saying sorry, he thought he was the one who was wrong, and even if she was dying to tell him that he wasn’t, it was convenient for her that he thought that, because although she was planning to get rejected to fix it, to feel in order, she didn’t want him to reject her. She wanted to go and see him and please him like she should've done from the beginning. And she missed him so much. It would've been a good punishment if he rejected her, but he was better than that and she took advantage of it.

Sergio opened the door and without saying a word, moved for her to come in. He was just looking her carefully to cheek how drunk she was.

"So you're drunk too" she said.

No hello, no hey, definitely no kiss on the cheek.

“I just drank some wine, I thought we should be on equal basis.”

They were never going to be on equals basis, but she understood what he meant.

“Come in. Do you want some wine?”

“I already drank enough, thank you” and she regretted it immediately. She was saying no again. “You know what? I can take one more glass.”

She sat on the couch. He joined her right away with two glasses in his hands and handed her one.

“Thank you” she sipped a bit and kept grabbing the glass with both hands.

They didn’t talk for almost an entire minute and for the first time it was really uncomfortable. He finished his glass in one shot.

“How are you?” he finally asked.

They were sat in opposite sides of the couch. Sergio was sat normally while Raquel was just trying to occupy as little space as possible.

“Does it matter?” she chuckled. She thought he was sweet for asking, just to make conversation, he had to be very uncomfortable to ask such a stupid question.

“It matters to me.”

She believed him only for a second, but she answered anyway.

“I’m great. How are you?”

“Does it matter?” he smiled and she thought she could literally melt.

She nodded. Of course it mattered.

“I’m fine” he nodded his head and sighed. “I’m glad that you messaged me. I thought you had already deleted my number.”

“I did” she admitted. She deleted every one of his texts, the records of their long calls, all of his pictures, even his nudes which she used to keep like treasures, she deleted all of her treasures. “I still had your last message” she explained. “I thought you had already deleted my number.”

“I have a good memory.”

“Mmh” she nodded and sipped more wine. She wanted to feel special but he probably knew lots of numbers by heart.

“You didn’t take off your coat. Aren’t you hot? Are you comfortable?” he suddenly asked and she looked at herself.

“Oh, right” she unbuttoned it and took it off with him looking at every movement. It was long but she didn’t stand up to take it off completely so she stayed sitting over it as she rubbed her arm and tried not to look at him. She was so uncomfortable; she would've preferred to keep her coat on.

Sergio raised an eyebrow when he saw that she was wearing her birthday dress.

“I thought I would've to seduce you” she explained without looking at his face. She felt ridiculous, she was ridiculous. “I guess it worked” she said with half a smile as she looked at his crotch.

He grabbed a pillow and put it on his lap quickly. She was glad she wasn’t the only one being uncomfortable but she was sorry for him at the same time, she wanted him to be comfortable, always.

“And I guess we are doing something after all” she finally looked at him to the face.

“I don’t have a condom. I was about to go buy some when you arrived.”

He thought that if she was still on the pill, he would do it without it. Was it too insane not to care if she gave him something?

“I have one” she said looking for it in the pocket of her coat.

“Good.”

“It’s just one though. I don’t know if we’re going to do it more than once but if we do you can always come in my mouth or something” she laughed as if it was joke.

He laughed uncomfortably.

He knew that was her way of taking away all the romance, all the possible feelings. It was good. He was uncomfortable with that kind of talking out of bed, but it was good.

She got up and walked to him.

“Here?” he asked looking up when he had her right in front of him.

She was about to sit on his lap but she stopped when he said that. She felt her cheeks warm and it wasn’t because of the wine.

“I’m fine wherever you like. We can do it on the floor even” she said and waited for him to answer.

Again, she was taking all the possible feelings out the situation. He thought they shouldn’t be uncomfortable while doing it just because of that but he didn’t know if he should say it out loud.

When he didn’t say anything for what it felt like an hour, that were probably just ten seconds, she got her hand under her dress and tried to take off her panties but he stopped her again, grabbing one of her hands. He got up and walked to the bedroom, taking her with him.

Raquel approached the bed but just stood there, next to it, not knowing what to do. It seemed like her first steeps where wrong so she was waiting for him to tell her what to do, want he wanted her to do.

She saw him get undress. He wasn’t using his jacket, so he took off his tie first, then the shoes as he began unbuttoning his shirt. She wanted to undress him but she couldn’t ask for it, he clearly didn’t need her to do it.

"Are you going to take off your dress or just lift it up?" he said taking his shirt off.

"Do you want me to take it off?"

"Whatever you feel comfortable with"

She thought of it for a second and said: "I'm keeping the dress. I’ll just..." she lifted her dress and took off her panties, then she finally lay down.

He unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his pants. He looked at her for a second, she was lying with her legs already open, her chest going up and down as she breathed fast. He got on the bed, on his knees between her legs, put down his pants and underwear and she gave him the condom already opened. He put it on and touched her. He barely touched her hand when he leaded her to the bedroom, it was basically the first time he touched her in a week and he touched her in between the legs.

"Are you ready?" he knew she was, he was feeling it, but he wanted to be sure.

She nodded, trying to control her breath. Her heart was beating so fast she could hear it in her ears.

He entered her and lied on top of her, leaning all of his weight on his arms on the sides of her head. Raquel opened her mouth but not a single sound came out.

He wanted to ask, what changed, why was she looking for him when she rejected him a week before, but he couldn’t. He was afraid of her telling him that she didn’t find anyone else that night, that she didn’t find any better and she had to settle for him.

He started moving and she closed her eyes not being able to keep looking at him.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked.

"Sure" she said with her eyes opened again.

He kissed her and she responded him with her eyes still opened. She was very busy trying to swallow her feelings and feel pleasure at the same time.

The kiss was bullshit and he ended it seconds after starting it. He limited himself to kiss her neck and fuck her. She let out a startled moan when he picked up the pace, grabbed the sheets and bit her lip trying to stay quiet.

But he slowed down again. “You’re tense, does it hurt?” he asked on her ear.

Raquel shook her head. “No. Keep going.”

He continued for a moment, slowly.

"Would you like to take me from behind?" she said thinking that he was kissing her neck not to look at her. He always liked to look at her while fucking her, but apparently it changed, so she just wanted to do him a favor. She was less ugly from behind, and he could get more turned on and everything.

Sergio straightened and she got on her knees, lifting her dress again after it got down when she moved.

He was going slow again, but he was squeezing her hips hard enough that she knew he was holding back.

"You can go faster" she just let him know.

He thought she was asking, so picked up the pace.

She wanted him to slap her ass, to pull from her hair, to put a hand around her neck and push her back against him, but once she told him those were part of the things she didn't like and he wouldn't understand even if she tried to explain it to him.

 _Harder_. Of course she didn't ask out loud, she didn’t dare. But he put a hand on her shoulder and pushed her hard against him as he moved faster. Sergio guessed she came to fuck and that was what he was going to do. He could get in his feelings later, alone.

Raquel let out a muffled moan. She bit her lip and close her eyes tight, gripped the sheet under her hands for a moment but quickly put it against the headboard to stay still. The position of her arm made it harder for him to keep the hand on her shoulder and unfortunately for her, he took it away instead of leaving it on her neck. Since he no longer was holding her torso up, she let herself fell over the mattress, hiding her face on her pillow to finally cry out. Aware that he could still hear her, she put an arm between her face and the pillow and bit her own skin. She could barely breathe but she remained quiet.

He finally touched her in between the legs but she quickly took his hand away. She didn’t come over for that.

"Are you going to touch yourself?" he asked.

"Do you want me to do it?"

“Yes.”

And she did.

She thought she could fake but once she touched herself, she couldn't stop. Maybe she could come being with him, maybe she could let herself come just one time.

She didn’t get to finish that thought when she came, crying out against the pillow.

He stopped for a second and she turned her face to breathe.

“You can keep going” she said, she didn’t need him to give her time.

Again, he obeyed.

“Do you like it like this? Don’t you want to change positions or something?” she asked, still breathing fast.

"No, it's fine like this” he had his eyes closed, trying to enjoy her as much as he could.

"Did I already told you that you can come in my mouth if you want?"

Oh, he wasn't _that_ turned on. But why did she keep saying that? She was ruining it for him.

“Raquel, it's fine like this” he repeated.

If she wanted it to be less romantic and less emotional, that position was working well enough. Apparently she didn't get it and he didn't feel like explaining it to her, so she kept talking, saying things like he could take off the condom and finish inside if he wanted, saying more things that were making him uncomfortable because she never said such things before. Did she get used to saying those things to other people and that was why she was saying them to him? It felt worse every second, he couldn’t keep hearing her.

"I get it, just shut up!" he said impulsively. There was no way he was coming like that now. "Fuck!"

He was tensed, so close, but he couldn’t stay inside her. He pulled out, took off the condom and finished with his hand while he grabbed her butt cheek with his other hand.

He came but it was awful. What was the difference between this and the sex he had before her? Then was just really uncomfortable, this was disgusting and he wanted to throw up.

She stayed in that position until he stopped touching her. Then she got up, cleaned her ass with her panties and without putting them on got down her dress.

"That was really good. Thank you."

"At least it was good for one of us."

She couldn't say that that didn't hurt her.

"Sorry" she said feeling more uncomfortable that she already was. "I can wait until you ready to go again and give you a blowjob."

“No, that’s not necessary. It was actually really good, I don’t know why I said that” he laughed nervously.

She knew he was lying, he was just too polite to tell her the truth. She wanted to say something like ‘Lie to me again and we will be over’ but they were already over and he didn’t care about it.

“It’s probably because I’m used to it. Sex sucks most of the times with other women” no, if he wanted to lie about being sleeping with other women that was definitely not the way, that sounded so sad. “Not most of the times. And I obviously don’t tell them that, I’m not an asshole” he laughed again. “I just think about it. But you know how it is with you, I just say whatever comes to my mind without even thinking of it for more than two seconds. I can be honest with you” and he shook his head quickly. “Not that I meant what I said. That wasn’t truth, I didn’t mean it, I just don’t know why I said it.”

“We can try again if you didn’t like it.”

“I did like it. We don’t have to do it again.”

So he disliked it enough not to want to do it again. _Great, Raquel._

"It's okay, you can go"

"You can fuck me however you want, wherever you want."

He was tempted. "You would be quiet?"

"Yes."

He seemed to think about it.

"No, it’s okay."

"You can do whatever you want to me."

There was that again. Did she say that to everyone? Why did she? Did she feel obligated? He didn’t want to think of the assholes she had probably been sleeping with.

"Stop" he shook his head.

"Seriously, anything."

"I said stop!" she was making him feel so bad.

She wiped her tears quickly. "I'm sorry for all this. I won't bother you ever again" she said and got out of the room almost running.

Sergio stayed still until he heard the door, he closed his eyes and sighed. He didn’t have the energy to get mad at himself in that moment. He was such an asshole, he was disgusting.

With his heart broken _again_ , he realized that he really lost her.

Even being apart he still thought of her, he still talked his feelings and thoughts aloud when he cooked as if she was behind him listening, he still looked back laughing to say something and didn’t let the empty seat get him down, he still wrote her name at the beginning of every note in his journal, he called his journal ‘Raquel’s notebook’ for god’s sake, he still thought of her with a smile knowing that he has had someone who got him. But this Raquel was different, she made him nervous again and not in a good way, she made him feel stupid, she made him get embarrassed by the most stupid thing, she made him feel insecure enough not to be able to talk about what was on his mind. He still liked her, he still loved her, he still wanted her, she was still the love of his life, and he couldn’t say anything because she wasn’t there anymore, it wasn’t safe for him to say it because he could get hurt, more hurt.

She was different but he still loved her, he still needed her.

  
  


Raquel got home, threw her underwear in the trash and got in the shower.

She felt gross and unclean, something was wrong, that wasn't how she was supposed to feel after having sex with him. She wanted to cry but she couldn't, instead just got out of the shower and threw up. She had not eaten in all day. She didn't remember eating much in all week. She was probably skinnier and pale; she should've worn some makeup. She was probably uglier than ever, no wonder he didn't like her anymore.

She felt ashamed and wanted to kick herself. Going there was a mistake, she kept making mistakes. She didn’t deserve going with him, she didn’t deserve him to do anything with her, she didn’t deserve him to be nice when she was such a terrible fuck. She didn’t deserve to feel clean, she was gross.

*

  
  


A week later, Raquel was just like the week before. She was tired but couldn't sleep, she was thinking of him. But this time it was him who texted first.

 **Sergio: C** **ome over,** **I** **want you. Don't drink this time.**

And Raquel practically jumped out of bed. She put some makeup on this time, grabbed her ugly hair in a ponytail, he might like it and pull it or if he didn't like it she could just unmake it, she put her best underwear on and thought of putting her dress but instead she just put the big coat on. It might be sexy, god she hoped it was sexy.  
  
  


Sergio didn’t want to want her if she didn’t want him but it was uncontrollable. He thought it could be helpful, maybe if he was with her knowing that didn't love him anymore, it could help him to stop loving her. It would hurt at first, he knew that, but once he falls out of love it was going to be fine. Maybe they could even stay as sex buddy's and forget about everything else.  
  
  
  


Not five minutes after she arrived, she was kneeling in between his legs. Her knees hurt, her jaw and throat too, the tears were pinching her eyes for the effort but she didn't want to stop, she wanted to do it good this time.

Sergio touched her head. "That's enough."

"I want you to come" and she kept going.

"I want you."

She got up.

"How do you want it?" he asked.

"Whatever you want is fine for me."

He sighed. Why did she make it so hard? He didn’t know what to do, he was afraid he would ask something she didn’t want and she would do it anyway.

"Want to ride me?"

"Always" she smiled, but he didn't.

Raquel sat on his lap with her legs on the sides of his. Sergio stopped her when she was about to take him in.

“Right, sorry” she brushed a lock of hair that fell from her ponytail behind her ear as he put on the condom.

Did he wanted to take care of her or himself? She just went down on him a moment ago… He didn’t need to take care of himself, she wanted to tell him that, he might like it. But she didn’t tell him, she was afraid of him knowing she hadn’t been with other people because she still in love with him. She got a little of him back and wasn’t going to ruin it.

She focused on him, he was the reason she was there, no one else mattered besides him. She pushed him to laid on his back against the mattress and did her best.

She got worried when she noticed it was taking more time than usual.

"Why aren't you coming? Do you want me to suck it again?" she asked, afraid that her question could annoy him.

"I'm waiting for you to come" he said as if it was obvious.

"It's okay, you don't have to worry about me" she smiled to reassured him.

"I want you to come."

She wanted to say no, say she didn’t need to, but he wanted it… "Okay."

He touched her and she sighed.

Sergio was glad she didn’t take his hand away this time.

Raquel got so nervous she almost started crying. She enjoyed it the last time, she came and he didn't like it, what if he didn't like it this time either? No, he asked her to come she had to come. _Come on_.

He straightened, lifted her and let her with her back in the mattress. He kissed on the mouth, the cheek, the neck, and lowered more and more.

Raquel blinked quickly a few times staring at the ceiling not to let the tears out. He was so gentle with her and she didn’t deserve it.

Sergio wanted to say how much he missed it, how much he missed her, but he limited himself to do and be good enough for her to come back. He could cry about missing her later.

In the end she let go, she couldn’t be wrong doing what he asked her to do.

And it seemed he liked it since he came very fast after that.

Sergio stayed laying over her, waiting for her to tell him to get off, he wanted to take every little minute. But it wasn't the same, why it wasn't the same? It was her, he liked her, he loved her. Why wasn't it as good anymore?

“Did you fall asleep?” Raquel asked quietly after a couple minutes.

“Sorry” he released her and sat with his back against the headboard.

“It’s okay” she chuckled.

She got up. She needed to dress up but her coat was on the floor of the living room and she wanted to ask him first. She was scared of knowing but she had to know.

"Was it good for you?"

"Yes" he said looking at the wall, lost in his thoughts, not wanting to be present by the moment she left.

She smiled and sighed in relief. "Good."

"Can I call you some other time?" he looked at her, trying not to sound nor look desperate.

She repressed another smile. "Yes, whenever you want."

"So, this is us now, huh? Like when we started sleeping together but without the friendship thing"

That smile that wasn’t, left her face completely. She didn't know where he was going but she didn't like it.

"I guess it's better this way. Just fucking, without the talking and all that" he said harshly.

Raquel didn’t like his tone. Why did he sound like that wasn’t what he wanted? He was the one who said “I just want sex”. She thought she was giving him what he wanted.

“It’s better, right?” he asked.

He seemed very interested in her answered. What did he wanted to hear? She didn’t want to answer wrong, she didn’t want to make another mistake.

"I guess so" she murmured.

"Well, it's bullshit. I liked having you as a friend" he said mad.

What did he want from her? He was confusing her.

"I can be your friend" she said quickly, feeling her heart racing.

He wasn’t expecting her to say that. "Really?" he asked, trying _again,_ not to make obvious that he was desperate. He suspected he wasn’t doing a good job with that.

"Yes. I can be whatever you want me to be."

He rolled his eyes. "Fuck you."

She hugged herself, she was still naked and felt way too exposed. She needed to go, she didn’t feel comfortable staying anymore. She wanted to go.

"You just said it was good" she whispered and cleared her throat after hearing herself.

"I survived 40 years without a good fuck, I think a can survive the rest of my life"

"Why did you call me then?”

He looked at her. So still, so quiet. The Raquel he knew would’ve start fighting at the first time he used a bad tone to talk to her. Who was this girl and where was the woman he fell in love with?

"Because you come. It seems like it's the only thing I can get from you" he said holding back not to cry.

He didn’t know what was going on with her but he didn’t like it.

"You can have whatever you want from me, I told you, I'll do anything" she smiled, her lips trembling.

She was about to cry.

"I want you to want me again" he wanted her, he needed her back.

"I want you."

"And I want you to love me"

There was nothing he wanted more.

She looked at him in silence for a moment. She missed him and loved him so much, she missed saying it, so she enjoyed when she did:

“I love you” she murmured, her voice cracking.

He sighed as if it hurt him when she said that. “Then why did you leave me?”

Raquel shook her head; she wasn’t going to let him pin their break up on her.

She thought of it a lot, _a lot_. He was always asking her things like ‘are you sure?’ after she said something, ‘are you sure you’re okay?’, ‘are you sure you want this?’, he was always making sure she was sure of everything. But he didn’t ask much when she asked if they should break up, he clearly wanted to. She just opened the door for him and he was the one that chose to go.

She knew he might not mean it. He barely slept the night before, got up really early and was busy all day, he was tired and maybe he didn't have the energy to talk in that moment. But she didn't close the door, he could've come back and he didn't, he didn't want to come back.

“You are the one who left.”

“Because you told me to!”

“I suggested it. I said ‘you could’.”

“You said ‘you should’!”

She shook her head, not able to believe it. She wanted to say a lot of things but every time she opened her mouth nothing came out.

“Fuck” she finally said, crying.

“You didn’t want me to go?”

She shook her head again. “Of course not.”

“Then why did you…” he rubbed his eyes but the tears were already out. “Fuck.”

He looked at her again when she said sorry, sobbing. “Come here. It’s okay” he opened his arms and she ran to him, into his arms. Finally.

“I’m so sorry” she said sitting on his lap, crying on his shoulder.

Raquel didn’t want to cry, she wanted to keep fighting. So she said he should, that didn’t mean he couldn’t keep fighting to stay with her. But she didn’t care anymore, he said it was okay and she was in his arms again.

But she spent months away from him, thinking he didn’t love her anymore, thinking he didn’t care about her anymore, thinking she was alone. She spent months feeling sad, lonely and scared.

She was back home but those months finally became real and it hurt like it never did before. She was glad to be in her safe place again but she was so hurt at the same time, glad and hurt. She didn’t know why it hurt so much, it felt like she had spent months living in a never ending cold, dark and scary night and she was finally safe and back home after not knowing if she was going to survive. It was the knowledge that she had survived. She didn’t know how much she wanted to survive until she did. She was relieved because she made but it hurt her to have had to live it. She didn’t want to feel anything like that night ever again.

Sergio wanted to get up and get her some clothes but she held tight to him and he couldn’t take her out. He took his t-shirt that was on the bed and managed to put it on her. She hugged him again as quick as she could.

She didn’t stop crying and it was worrying him. He asked her if she was okay but she didn’t answer so he just hugged her, caressing her back and the back of her neck.

Then, he moved with her to lay down and she wrapped herself around him quickly again. She was with her arm tight around his torso and crying noisily against his chest.

“Raquel. What is it? Are you okay?” he asked her but she just kept crying. “Please, answer me” he begged softly against her hair.

She was shaking and he covered them with the blanket but he was sure she wasn’t cold, it was all the crying.

He moved a little down to the level of her face and tried to make her look at his eyes.

“It’s okay. Breathe, please” he asked her. He was worried she could hyperventilate. “Raquel, please” and he breathed in and out, hoping she would follow him.

And she did. In a couple minutes she was breathing normally again, yet the tears kept coming out of her eyes, tons of it.

“Do you love me?”

“With my life” he tried to wipe her tears even knowing that it was pointless.

“Please, say it” she felt she hadn’t heard it in years.

“I love you, Raquel. I love you so, so much.”

She smiled and closed her eyes. Tears and more tears.

“Thank you” she pressed her forehead against his. “I love you too” she inhaled deeply. “So much” and exhaled.

She kept crying for hours after that, but it was more of a quiet cry. He kept hugging her, he kept brushing her scalp with his fingers and caressing her back with his other hand, he kept giving her soft kissed all over her face, kept saying ‘I love you’ in case she needed to hear it about a thousandth times more.

He was glad to have her back in his arms but his heart was broken. He couldn’t help but think, did she have someone to hug her while she cried in the past months? He didn’t care about who but he hoped she did. He felt lonely but at least he had his brother. Did she have someone?

That night he promised himself he would never leave again, no matter how much she asked him, he would always come back, to hug her when she needed it, to wipe each and every one of her tears, to say ‘I love you’ every time she needed it to hear it, to love her as good as she deserved, to love her as much as he loved her.

*

Sergio didn’t want to wake her up in the morning but he prepared the bathtub for her and had a whole breakfast planned. He noticed she was thinner while he hugged her the night before and he wanted to fill her with food, he knew love wasn’t going to do that job unfortunately. And the bathtub was just a way of spoiling her, he knew she needed some good care.

When Raquel woke up, she tried to take him back into bed, kissing him eagerly but he stopped her. It took him to look at her eyes just a few seconds to know that she wanted to do it for him.

“I want to bathe you” he smiled softly, hoping she forget about it.

“Do I smell bad?” she asked with a concerned look.

“No” he chuckled. “I just want to…” he didn’t know how to say it.

_Want to make you feel loved._

She saw he was struggling to say whatever he wanted to say so she didn’t let him keep thinking of it for another second.

“If that’s what you want, I’m more than happy to let you do it” she gave him a little smile and he sighed.

He washed every part of her body and her hair, dried her as he kept smiling at her and giving her soft kisses everywhere, dressed her with his clothes and brushed her hair.

In the kitchen, he moved the chair for her to sit and he made breakfast. He tried to feed her in the mouth but that was way too much even if he did it as a joke. They ate in silence, neither of them knew if it was comfortable or not.

"I know what you're thinking" she said and he just stared at her. "I'm not a people pleaser."

Nobody liked a people pleaser and she didn’t want to be one.

Sergio frowned. "I'm not thinking that. I'm not thinking anything. Please, finish your breakfast."

She left her half toast in the plate, the cup back on the table, and crossed her arms, looking at him with an eyebrow raised.

He sighed. She was complicated and he hated himself for ever thinking she wasn't, he knew her! "I don't get anything from you eating, Raquel. Whether you do it or not, it only affects you. Please, eat."

She stared at him defiantly, but she was hungry. She was hungry again and just because of that, she kept eating.

"I'm not a people pleaser" she repeated with her mouth full of toast and didn't care what he thought. She did but she wanted to pretend she didn't. She would stop doing it if he asked though... He said he loved her, he wasn't going to leave her again for such stupid thing, right? "You know..." she began and swallowed the food that was in her mouth. "I just want you to be happy. Whether is with me, with somebody else, with me _and_ somebody else, I don't care, I just want you to be happy" she looked at him and he didn't have that fight look anymore either. "I want to be important, I want to do something, I want to make you happy, help you to be happy. I ruined my own life; I just don't want to ruin somebody else’s" she shrugged.

"You didn't ruin your life."

She gave him a lips tight smile. "You don't know me. You don't who I am or who I was, you don't know what I've done or what I've been through, what I put other people through. You don't know anything about me. I don't care about that, I don't know myself either. It doesn't really matter, it matters if I'm not doing it right for you, if there's something I need to change."

Wasn't that the definition of people pleaser? She hated it.

He was uncomfortable. He never saw this side of her before, or maybe he did and smartly ignored it. "I think I know you very well. And you can tell me the things I don't know."

"You don't know anything and I think it'd be better if we keep it that way. You don't need to hear about any of my previous relationships and how they fucked me up little by little until he came and finished the job. You don't need to hear about any of all the bad choices that brought me here. Talking about it isn't necessary because is in the past and talking about it won't change anything, so better leave it in the past" and she didn't let him say anything. "I prefer to finish my breakfast in silence now if that's okay with you."

He shut up and she continued eating as if she didn't just say all that.

Did he really know her? This Raquel was insecure and compliant, nothing like the Raquel he knew. Or was she always like this and he never paid enough attention? Whatever it was, it wasn't okay.

After Raquel was finished, she stood up saying that she had to leave.

"I'll just go feed Stockholm and come back. I won't even change my clothes."

"I'll drive you" he offered.

"I'm fine."

He was worried she wouldn't come back. He spent the thirty minutes she was out looking at his watch.

Raquel acted like she didn't leave at any moment when she was back. She actually acted like they had never been broken up, asking him if he wanted to watch a movie or something as if it was just another Saturday.

They cuddled in the couch but he didn't pay any attention to the movie. He needed to talk, he didn't know about what exactly but he needed to talk.

"I want _you_ to be happy" he said at middle of the movie.

"I'm happy when I'm with you" she answered.

And they didn't talk again for the rest of the hour.

After the movie they moved to the bedroom. But Sergio couldn't do anything more than kissing, no mattered how much she touched him, he didn't want to do anything in that moment, with her being like that.

He saw her going through different moods the rest of the day and at the end of it she was sitting in the couch with her arms around her legs and her chin on her knees, looking at a fixed point. He was worried, he had no idea what happened, what she had been through for the last months to be like this, he had no idea what was going on inside her head.

He sat with her, looking at her, hoping she would look at him and smile, saying she was okay. His heart ached when he saw a tear coming out of her left eye. She wiped it away immediately and looked at him with a little smile on her face. But she wasn't okay.

"I wasn't like this, you know" she sighed. “But I’ve been alone for almost four years” her voice began cracking more and more as she kept talking. “In four years, I haven’t had a real conversation with anyone, I never had a conversation that lasted more than five minutes, I never talked about my feelings, I even thought I couldn’t feel anymore. Because I had nothing and no one, and my life was nothing, and I was… I was nothing. Then you came and basically brought me back to life” and rolled her eyes as she dried her cheek with the sleeve of his hoodie. “God, I hate that I wasn't able to do it by myself but I hate even more that it was a man” she added laughing. “I was desperate, Sergio, I didn’t want to be alone again. I knew I wouldn’t push you away for a man because the man I liked it was you. And then you liked me back and I didn’t know how to handle it. I wanted to be enough for you, I wanted to do anything you wanted because I didn’t want you to get mad and hit me or punish me, I didn’t want you hate me. I want you to be happy because a happy person loves in a pretty way, a happy person doesn’t get mad nor hate anyone. I needed… I _need_ you to love me because no one else does” she sobbed. “I want to be what you like, what you want and what you need, I want to make you happy. I want you to be happy because I love you, and I don’t want to make you feel bad or angry, never. That’s why I need you to tell me what to do and how to be. Because I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t know how to act and how to feel. I don’t know how to be a person anymore let alone my own person. The only thing that I know is that I need you because you make me feel like a normal person who can live and be happy, you make feel loved when I thought no one would ever love me again, you love me when I hate myself the most, when I think I don’t deserve to be loved. I don’t want to lose you again, these months had been the worse months of my entire life, because I missed you and missing you hurts so much” he couldn’t help it anymore and hugged her, sobbing too. “I miss you so much. Please don’t ever leave again. My life already sucks enough, you can’t imagine how much more it sucks without you in it.”

He chuckled in between sobs. “I love you. My life is much better with you in it too” he looked at her and put his forehead against hers. “You are perfect for me. The only thing you have to do to make me happy is to exist around me and to be happy too. And you are much more loved than you can ever imagine, Raquel. You are the greatest person I’ve ever met and you deserve all the love of the world and more, please don’t ever think different. Please” he asked crying.

“I didn’t want to make you cry, I’m sorry” she said carefully wiping away his tears, caressing his cheeks softly with her thumbs.

“I am sorry” he said with a broken voice.

She was there, saying all that, feeling like that, and she was still worried about him, wiping his tears.

“You did nothing wrong. You are a good person, Sergio.”

He couldn’t stop crying, his heart bled for her. How didn’t he ever see any of that? He wanted to say sorry for not noticing, for everything.

  
  


Later, when they were in bed about to sleep, he said:

"You need-"

"Help" she cut him off and finished for him. "I know" she brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, embarrassed. "Help me" she joked and tried to smile, she was so scared.

"Professional help" he said and she looked more scared than before. "I wish I could be enough, Raquel, but I can't, I'm not."

“Okay.”

“I know someone who specializes in… this kind of… situations" he didn't know how to call it, he didn't want to say anything wrong.

“Abused women or lonely people?” she chuckled.

She was killing him. How could she chuckle while saying that?

“I think any therapist could treat loneliness. I mean... I guess.”

“Okay.”

*

Sergio’s contact agreed to meet up with her right the next week. Raquel couldn’t not notice how much she insisted in the fact that she canceled someone to meet with her. Raquel wanted to say that it wasn't necessary, she could meet with whoever she had to, but she already canceled to the person so Raquel thought it was too late. And Sergio seemed more relaxed knowing that she was going to get help.

For the following days they kept acting like they had never been broken up and were still happy, Raquel didn't let him come into her house though.

"I wasn't the only one who had a hard time when you left. I prefer us to be strong and solid before you come back into her life" she explained and he understood. He apologized for it too and she said he should save his apologies for the cat.

But eventually the day came.

Sergio wanted to go with her but she insisted that she wanted to go alone. He should've known, he shouldn't have been so surprised when Sabrina, the therapist, called him to ask what happened.

He went to her house but she wasn't there, then went to the precinct and she wasn't there either. He was getting more worried when Antonio called him to say he was concerned about Raquel. The man apologized for calling him knowing that they weren't together anymore, saying that he didn't have the blond or the redhead's number. Sergio didn't bother in explain anything, he got into his car and drove as fast as it was allowed.

When he arrived to Hanoi, Antonio pointed at their table with his head and there she was, surrounded with empty dirty plates and currently eating a whole chocolate cake with a fork.

Sergio saw when she saw him and rolled his eyes when she used the menu as a wall to cover herself.

He sat in front of her and let her keep the menu standing, but he was able to see the top of her head.

"Why didn't you just say you didn't want to go?"

"I didn't want to disappoint you" she answered quietly.

He could tell her mouth was full and sighed. This was so immature of her.

"Please, apologize to her for me."

"I already did."

"I'm sorry."

She sounded sorry. He took the menu out but she kept looking at the cake instead of looking at him.

"Don't you want help?"

"It didn't work before" she took a napkin and cleaned the chocolate she knew she had around her mouth. "The first time it was a man, an asshole like every other one. No offense."

"None taken."

"I thought it'd be better a woman. But it didn't work either" and she looked at him. "I didn't think I deserved help so I stopped trying."

"You can try again."

"I don't know if I want to try again" and she rolled her eyes as she felt the tears already coming out. She wiped them away immediately. "It makes it real. I don't want to tell someone anything about what happened to me because it will mean that it actually happened. I can't do it, I spent so much time convincing me that it was nothing. I want it to stay as nothing."

He didn't know what to say. What was he supposed to say?

"I had to move here because walking on the street in the same city as him made me feel paranoid. And even when I got here, I still felt hunted, I still crossed the street because I felt him following me, I still saw him in every corner. I had to take pills to sleep because I couldn't feel safe being alone in my own house. I actually saw him, every day of every week for the entire first year in my apartment, he was in my bed, he was in the shower, he was the kitchen, he was everywhere" she kept drying her cheeks with the sleeve of her jacket. "I isolated myself not only because I thought every one hated me but because I couldn't trust anyone. You were the first person I openly talked to in four years, you were the first person who hugged me or kissed me in four years. You were the first person I trusted and the only one I trust right now. Please don't make me do this."

"I don't want to make you. You don't have to do it if you don’t want to. But Raquel, you need it."

"I don't. I only need you. As long as I have you, I'm going to be alright" she wanted to grabbed his hand but as soon as she touched him, he took it away.

Raquel froze for a moment. She didn't move, she didn't think. It was clear. She became too much for him to handle, she knew she shouldn't have said anything.

"I wish I could be enough help, Raquel, but I'm not. You need a professional."

She nodded. "You're right."

She looked for money on her bag and left it on the table. He got up when she did.

"Let me take you home."

"No, I don't need you" she shook her head and corrected herself right away: "I don't need that. Thank you but that's not necessary" they kept looking at each other for a moment. "Bye, Sergio" she finally said and walked away.

When she was about to get out, she looked at him one last time, he was sitting with his back at her. This time she was the one leaving and he wasn't going to stop her either.


	18. Hold on to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments on the last chapter! And so sorry for taking so long.
> 
> Again, I didn't plan to split it in two, but this is already +13 words so, sorry😂

_September._

Sergio was crying. Again.

He couldn’t stop walking around his apartment, it was difficult to breathe. He didn’t know what to do. He was angry and sad, he felt guilty and useless, helpless and powerless.

He leaned his hands against the wall, feeling he couldn’t stay standing. He felt he was falling but he didn’t really care.

The person he loved the most was hurt in who know how many ways, and he couldn’t do anything, he wasn’t there to do something to prevent it, and now she was still suffering from it and he didn’t know how to take her pain away. He didn’t want to make it about him but he couldn’t help but feel.

The night she told him, he held her in his arms until she fell asleep and only after, he got out of the bedroom and cried all he needed to cry. Apparently that wasn’t enough.

Raquel didn’t give him any details and he couldn’t stop thinking of it all, imagining it and torturing himself. Sergio didn’t think it was possible to hate so much someone one didn’t know, but he hated Alberto. Sometimes he forgot that she was married before, they never talked about it, and he felt uncomfortable every time he remembered it, so he never asked. He should've asked, to know it sooner, to act sooner. But act how? To send her to therapy because he didn’t know how to help her?

He rested his forehead against the wall and tried to breathe.

Even if she got the help she needed, would she ever be really okay? How does a person recover from that?

He tried to talk to Andres before, without really telling him what was going on, he asked him what he should do. He also let out all of his doubts, all of his fears.

“ _How should I treat her now? I don’t want to hurt her more.”_

“ _She isn’t herself. What if she doesn’t really love me?”_

“ _Who did I fall in love with? What am I for falling for someone who clearly isn’t okay? Did I take advantage of her being so vulnerable?”_

“ _What if I don’t like her when she’s herself again? What kind of person would that make me? A piece of shit.”_

“ _Do you understand that I would never, never, understand? I have no idea what she’s feeling, I have no idea how hurt she_ _is_ _. And I can’t_ _erase_ _it,_ _I can’t_ _take it away, because_ _it_ _already happened and I can’t do anything_ _about it_ _.”_

“ _How could a person hurt someone so… How could a person ever hurt her?”_

“ _Why didn’t I know her before?”_

Raquel had a pain he could never get to feel and understand, a pain he could never take away, because it would stay forever with her. No mattered how much he would try to take care of her from now on, it already happened, he didn’t know her then, he wasn’t there to prevent it. Something like that happened to her, and he couldn’t understand how, why.

  
  


Sergio finished crying and took his phone again. He brushed his hair with his fingers and put on his glasses again, took a deep breath and called her.

He froze at Hanoi and let her go, he couldn’t imagine what could she be thinking. Whatever it was he wasn’t going to let her think it for too long.

But the call went to voicemail.

He waited for a few minutes and tried again. Voicemail.

By the seventh time it didn’t even ring anymore.

He went to her apartment and she didn’t open the door, she didn’t respond when he said he just wanted to make sure she was okay. He didn’t want to spend the night knocking so he left her alone for the night.

The next day he tried to call her again and sent her a bunch of texts, saying sorry, asking please. But she didn’t reply to any of them.

He went to her apartment again and she didn’t open the door that day either.

Just the third day she sent him a ‘I’m okay’ message, but didn’t pick up when he tried to call her.

When he went to apartment, he heard movement inside for the first time and let himself believe that she wasn’t there before, didn’t want to think of where she was, the important thing was that she was home.

But when he knocked, it wasn’t her who opened the door.

“Hello” the blonde said smiling.

“Hi” he said, thinking he knocked at the wrong door.

Until he remembered her. She was the one who he saw Raquel with a few times. He begged for her to be a friend, just a friend.

“Is Raquel home?”

“Yes, she will be here in a minute. You must be Sergio, hi, I’m Monica.”

“I’m Sergio” he said and realized she just said she knew. “So you’re Monica, I heard so much about you.”

“Really? I found out about you like five minutes ago.”

“Monica!” Raquel murmured and opened the door a little more when she stood next to her.

She had her hair wet and he knew she just brushed it.

“Hey” he said forcing a smile, feeling a little uncomfortable by the blonde being there.

“Hey” she said with an apologetic smile.

They both looked at Monica and she just smile at them.

“Monica” Raquel said.

“Yes?”

“Go” she nodded and Monica sighed.

Sergio suspected that she knew she had to go before Raquel told her.

“Nice to meet you Sergio” and she left.

“You too” he said though she wasn’t there anymore.

Sergio and Raquel looked at each other in silence for a moment. She wanted to hug him and she knew he wanted to hug her. He wanted to hug her and kiss her, but she looked like she was about to apologize for something and that couldn’t be good.

Raquel got closer to him and he stopped breathing.

“We should talk outside” she said, and he understand she was actually trying to get out and he was blocking her way.

He took a few steps back and she got out, closing the door behind her.

“I’m sorry for what happened at Hanoi, Raquel” he started talking right away, he didn’t want her to say what she wanted to say that felt like apologizing for. “Of course you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I will help you however I can, I will do anything.”

She smiled. “Thank you, but I decided to give it a shot. It can’t hurt, right?”

“Right, it can’t hurt” he said relieved. “I’m glad you want to try. I will talk to Sabrina.”

“It’s okay, I already called her” she smiled when he looked confused. “I found her number online.”

“Oh, yes, right” he nodded. “I guess we’re good then.”

He sounded afraid and it hurt her.

“Sergio, I’ve been thinking a lot” she began but he cut her off.

“I’m going to be here for you anyway, Raquel. When I said I couldn’t help you I meant I wasn’t enough, but I still want to help with whatever I can.”

She smiled to try to calm him. He was breathing fast, and she didn’t want to him to be afraid nor nervous. “I know. Thank you.”

He took one step forward and she took one back when he tried to touch her.

“I was talking” she said.

“Sorry” he moved back.

“Some things happened these days that I didn’t see you. Sorry for not answering your calls by the way, I was…”

He nodded. She didn’t have to explain, he understood.

“I talked to Monica” she pointed at the door behind her with her hand over her shoulder. “And my family. I talked honestly, told them how I’ve been feeling and everything, I…” it was hard for her to talk to him while she looked at him to the face, with her family it was over the phone and with Monica, well she was hugging her all the time she barely saw her face. “Turns out I’m not so alone after all. We will talk often and they’ll come to see me soon. I’m not alone, I won’t be alone.”

“Of course you’re not alone” he said with a smile and it hurt her.

She knew he was talking about himself. She wasn’t alone because he was there. It made it harder for her to say what she needed to say.

“Like I said, I’ve been thinking a lot” she started again. “I always knew I needed help... I need help, I always knew that. But I never went to get it, because I thought I didn’t deserve it, or because I thought it wouldn’t work, it didn’t work before, why would it work now? I knew I needed it but didn’t want it. The only reason I agreed to seek for professional help was because you asked me to, I’m doing it for you. And if there’s something I know is that it doesn’t work like that, I know I have to do it for me. For the first time, I’m feeling that I deserve it and I believe it will work. I think I could get to be myself again, and if not my old self a new self, someone I would get to know and love, because right now, I still feel like I am no one but I know I am someone, someone I don’t know and for now I don’t like, but someone. Maybe this is the new me and I just have to know me better to like me and learn to love me.”

He nodded in agreement at everything she said.

“Sergio, I don’t think I could do it for me if you’re with me, because I will be thinking of you all the time. And I’ll keep making choices with you in my mind, choices that are only mine, choices that could define me. I’m afraid that you might not like my real self and I can’t be thinking that because I have to be myself and love me even if you don’t like me.”

“I could never not like you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Well I know I could never not love you. Maybe I won’t like you, but I will always love you, that is something.”

“And I love you for that, but still.”

“No, I don’t understand. What about Monica? Your family? Why do they get to stay?”

“I’m not telling you to leave, I’m asking you time” she said with a little smile and at ease voice, she wanted him to be calm, she had to stay calm for that. “My family and Monica aren’t the people I have in my head all the time, because I’m sure they will stay with me and love me no matter what, they’ve been with me my entire life.”

“I just told you I will always love you, always means no matter what” he was talking with a normal volume, but it sounded desperate and upset. “And what is that that they’ve been with you your entire life? Is that what this is, who knows you longer? Is because I didn’t get to know who you were? And if they’ve been with you your entire life, where were they all these years? They left you alone and you’re going to let them in again just like that and take _me_ out?”

Raquel swallowed hard and still tried to remain calm. “Have you ever stopped talking to Andres for a long time? I just remember that month, but I don’t know about before. Have you?”

“No, this isn’t like that.”

“It is. You could stop talking with your brother for years, but you know you will always be there for him no matter what. That’s what this is. And they didn’t leave me alone, I was the one who left, I was the one who pushed them away every time they came back” Raquel felt the tears forming in her eyes and took a deep breathe not to give in to cry. “You are different. You are absolutely everything to me, they are not. You are my life, I stay and survive and exist because of you, for you. I want to do that for myself, I want to stay because _I_ want to, I want to survive because of _me_ , I want to exist for _me._ This isn’t only that I’m afraid of you not liking me, is that I don’t feel that my life is mine when you are with me, because being with you, right now, for me, means that I am yours. And I’m not talking the way that I'm your and only have eyes for you, I’m saying I’m yours, like you own me, and you can do whatever you want with me.”

“I don’t want to own you; I don’t own you. I’m not exercising that power, you are, doing things that you think I want, just stop! Take that power away from me and it will be over, so I can stay. Just do it!” he said desperately.

“I can’t!” she said, finally her voice broke and the tears started coming out. “This is me trying, this is the only solution I can think of. Can you think of me for one second and just respect it?”

“You said you didn’t want to lose me and now you’re pushing away” he said lowering his tone again, wiping away her tears as he caressed her cheek.

“I’m not pushing you away, I just want time” she took his hands from her face and held them tight. “I wasn’t ready when we got together and I’m still not ready. I don’t know how to be in a relationship without losing myself” she needed him to know that she didn’t want to leave him. “I’m not even saying we can’t be friends, I’m asking you time from us, from us together. I don’t want to be we anymore, we should’ve never been we in the first place. That thinking and that kind of relationship fucked me up, I don’t want us to be like that, I don’t want you to be like that to me and I don’t want to be like that to you. It isn’t healthy. I know it can feel amazing and safe, with you it feels like heaven, it’s extraordinary. I wish I could stay like that, but I can’t, because instead of staying like ‘us’, I get lost. I know how it works and I’m always the one disappearing, I’m always the one who end up lost, because I can’t control myself and I can’t control the power I give. This time I was lucky it was you and you never took advantage of that but even if you don’t exercise the power you have over me, you still have it, and I don’t want you to have it. We are our own person, I want to be my own person again. I don't want to need you to feel complete and I don't want you to need me to feel complete, and I also don’t want to love the idea of you needing me anymore. We both need to stop of thinking of us as one, because we are not one. I know you know that, and I know I know that, but we’re not acting like it. We know that but don’t see it. Can you tell where you start and where do I?”

“I didn't see I had problems because I was too busy with ours. I want to be myself and have my own problems, and I want to solve my problems. Because they are my problems, Sergio, not ours.”

“Your problems are my problems because we might not be one, but we are family. That’s what ‘us’ means to me” he explained. “I don’t want us to stop being us. Because like you said, it’s heaven” he saw how she didn’t agree to what he wanted. “'Us' isn’t unhealthy for me. I might not be able to see very clear where you end and where I start, that is the only thing we have to solve. It’s not a problem to be stuck together because we are good to each other, we love each other well and we care for each other. That is for me, but I understand if it’s not like that for you. Maybe we can work for you to see it like that, for you to learn to be yourself first. What we have, Raquel, is…” he stopped and closed his eyes tightly.

Raquel felt his pain, all of it. She took a step closer to him and wiped his tears with her thumbs, caressing his cheek and the back of his neck.

“It’s okay” she stood in her the tip of her toes to kiss his moist cheek and with her feet completely back on the floor, she lowered his head and pressed her forehead against his.

“It hurts” he whispered.

“I know” she whispered back, crying too.

They were physically together, literally touching, but they both felt how they were separating from each other. Maybe were their souls, finally giving each other some space. But it hurt, like cutting a part of themselves, of their body. It hurt, being ripped out of their home, of its warmth and safety.

“It is good and healthy to me, we just have to make it good and healthy to you” he kept whispering cause they were face to face, forehead against forehead.

“I don’t know if that could ever happen. I can’t be with someone that way without losing myself entirely” she said looking into his eyes. She didn’t know if it was his pain or hers what she was seeing there, maybe it was their still.

“Then I just have to take good care of you.”

She smiled. “I want to be able to take care of myself. I have to.”

“I don’t want anything to change. ‘Us’ is the best thing that happened to me.”

“Whatever changes would change for the better. Can’t you imagine it being better?”

“I don’t think it could be any better.”

“I do. It will be better. I know it will.”

“Wait, are you actually breaking up with me this time?” he pulled back to look at her frowning.

“I want to be with you, but right now I can’t. I’m not breaking up with you, I just need time” she pulled him closer again with her hand behind his neck. “Sergio, you are the best I’ve ever had” she bit her lower lip and ran a thumb through his. “We will be together again. If you take me back of course” she joked.

“Shut up.”

She laughed. Even if they were apart, in every way, she finally was sure he was still with her. She finally trusted in it. She didn’t have to be a part of him for him to love her and want her. Maybe she could be herself and not losing him after all.

“I don’t want to walk away from you Alzheimer's” he whispered, and she laughed.

“This isn’t my Alzheimer's. My Alzheimer's will probably be Alzheimer's.”

“No, that will be your sister.”

And she laughed again.

“I’m still your friend, you don’t have to walk away if you don’t want to.”

“Good. I don’t have a problem with us not being together if still get to be your friend” the relief clear in his voice. “I think we will never stop being us anyway.”

She smiled.

“I will never leave your side. I will always be with you” he said crying again.

And if he cried, she cried.

“Good. Because all of what I just said were just words. I can say it, but I don’t know if I can do it.”

He laughed. “I love you” he kissed her, but she pulled back right away, before it was too late. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay” she stroked his cheek, wiping his tears again and she wiped her own once he took care of his own.

“We’ll be okay.”

  
  


*

The first time Raquel spent almost ten minutes quiet, feeling uncomfortable and wanting to be anywhere but there. She said she didn’t want to be there, the therapist asked her why and where she would like to be, and somehow, they ended up talking about her mother.

 _"My mom was my safe place before Sergio. Monica never really got to be it, she would've been if we would've stayed as friends, but we didn't so... Sergio. But it’s different, no matter how he says his love for me is unconditional, he's just not like_ _my_ _mom. I don't really know how a mom loves, I'm not a mom, but I think a mom loves unconditionally. You know, you could be the worse person on the planet and your mom would still love you. I think Alberto's mom loved him really much and I'm sure she knew he was, well, a son of a bitch. It's like I kn_ _e_ _w I could be whatever I_ _was_ _and my_ _mom_ _would still love me. I think only my mom could love_ _me_ _unconditionally."_

She cried obviously.

She left that place feeling a little better than how she arrived, but it was maybe because it was finished for the day and she didn’t have to be nervous anymore, not for another week at least. She still didn't understand what talking to a professional was really going to change, but she just knew she felt better, talking was already something.

For the four times she saw her in the first month, they didn’t talk about the thing Raquel thought they had to talk, and it was fine. But she was already thinking that it was pointless. Why weren’t they talking about what they had to talk? Raquel knew she wasn’t bringing up the subject, why couldn’t Sabrina just ask?

Then Sabrina made a question, just about something she said, not about a whole new subject, but about something Raquel said.

“ _I don’t know why everyone think I need help, I’m fine. I had some tough years and I’m still here, I survived. I could’ve turned into an alcoholic or drug addict, I could've killed myself and I never even tried. I’m not dangerous to myself or anyone, I just have some little problems like everyone else, but I can solve them on my own. I am really healthy. I am fine. I don’t need to be here.”_

“ _Then why are you here?”_

She spent about two minutes trying to answer but not saying anything and, in the end, she said she had to leave early and pretty much ran out of there. She didn’t want to come back to that place and didn’t want to see that woman’s face ever again, she wasn’t going to come back and see her again, never.

She went straight to Sergio. If he asked her, she literally didn’t remember what that question was and what went through her mind when she heard it, she just knew it made her nervous and uncomfortable and she didn’t want to feel like that anymore, she wanted to run from that feeling, to take it out fast.

When Sergio opened the door, she jumped on him, kissing him and touching him everywhere.

“What happened with just friends? Are you ready already?” he said in between kisses, but he wasn’t rejecting her, he already had his hands grabbing her ass and touching her under her shirt.

"You want me" she said touching him. "I want to be yours. I want to be what you want, please let me."

Sergio hugged her. He stopped kissing her and hugged her.

"I was thinking you wanted to fuck but if you want this, that’s okay too" she chuckled.

He let go of her and took a few steps back.

"What?"

He didn't say anything, he just waited for her to understand. He knew she didn't need him to give her time to understand, he knew she knew.

"I can't do this" she sighed and sat on the floor as if what she couldn't do was to stay standing.

"I think you can" he sat down next to her, both with their backs against the wall.

"You know if it isn't you then it will be someone else."

He looked at her, waiting for her to explain. He didn't want to believe what he thought.

"You know, Monica, Ricardo, my sister, my brother, my father, Sabrina, Alicia even."

"I thought you were talking about fucking and when you named your sister it started sounding so fucked up."

"Ew!" she said with a disgusted face and he laughed.

"Sorry, you were saying…"

She sighed again. "I was saying that it doesn't matter if we are just friends, I would still do what you want me to do because I would still look for your approval. The same way I would do with everyone else."

He remained quiet, just listening.

"I have no idea what to do, Sergio. I can't stay with you, any of you, because I would keep doing things just to please you, but I can't be alone either" he was looking at her, but she was looking to a fixed point in front of them. "We actually talked about it, with Monica, and we still don't find a way. I have to love myself, right? That could be it for me to stop looking for love in other people, maybe it won't solve it completely but mostly. Now, how am I supposed to love myself if I don't receive any love? And I know I have you guys, but what I mean is, what if you stop loving me when I stop pleasing you? I ran out of love and then I won't have what it takes to love myself. I don’t think people can love themselves if no one loves them.”

“We don’t love you because you please us, Raquel. There’s not really a reason why, we just do. You exist and we love you, just like that” he didn’t know exactly what to say and tried to look calm as he talked, hoping he was saying the right thing. “You know, you turned my life upside down and I don’t regret meeting you yet, I don’t-”

“Yet?” she raised an eyebrow.

He closed his eyes. _Fuck_.

“I didn’t mean that, I have no idea why I said it. What I wanted to say was that I know I will never regret meeting you and loving you, because you brought life into my life. I love loving you because it makes me feel alive, I don’t want it ever to stop, I don’t think it will ever stop” he saw she lowered the eyebrow and almost sighed in relief. "I love you, I told you Raquel, I won't stop loving you no matter how much you change. My love for you is unconditional, you're my family and I know it’s probably not okay, but you are my other half, no matter how much you want to fight it. You stop thinking that way, I won't, and I don't care what you say."

She rolled her eyes but she was smiling.

"I think my love isn't for your person, for this" he moved a hand up and down pointing at her entire body. "My love is for your heart and soul. And I think that in your heart you already know who you are, you already know what you want, what you like and what you love. My heart and soul are with yours, and nothing will tear us apart, nothing. I am with you and I'm not going anywhere. All of us are with you and we’re not going anywhere. You have nothing to fear" he got closer and left a little kiss on her cheek. "Okay?"

"Okay."

"You will never be alone again."

"Okay" she smiled and nuzzled his nose. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome."

"Can I stay for the night?", she asked in a whisper.

"Yes" he answered the same way.

"I can sleep on the couch."

"Don't be ridiculous" and he smiled. "Or be ridiculous if you want, I will love you either way."

She laughed and nudged him.

*

“ _I don’t understand why can’t someone just tell me what to do. Why is it wrong? It would be so easier for me. If I’m here is because they told me, they wanted me to come, I came because of them. So why can't they keep telling me what to do?”_

*

Raquel was crying a lot. She cried for every little thing, but mostly because of everyone treating her so kindly. Monica was there all the time, inviting her to lunch or dinner, texting her all day. Her brother called twice a day every day. Her sister always facetimed her at least once a day, mostly at night, ‘to have dinner with her’; she cried in front of her computer the first time because Laura wasn’t making it weird, she was acting like it was a normal thing between them. Her father was also texting her all the time, mostly to tell her sweet dreams. She cried like four times a day every day for a week until she got used to it, not completely used to it but enough not to cry at the simplest things.

They all apologized when she called them the first time, they felt bad for not noticing. Laura even cried. Dani and their father were together, both of them felt guilty, they thought they should've taken better care of her. They all knew about what happened before she left but neither of them knew how alone she was in Madrid, they thought she found her people and was happy. Raquel said they have nothing to be sorry about because she was the one who never told them anything.

It was weird for Raquel at first, she felt really uncomfortable with everyone, she was thankful they were acting normal, but she couldn’t help but think they were just as uncomfortable as she was. She was tempted to tell them to stop calling her so much, that she was fine, but she liked that they were worried, not really liked that they were worried, but she liked that they cared. It made her feel loved and cared and it made her cry because she wasn’t very used to that anymore.

Just having her family there and having Monica, Ricardo and Sergio around, made her feel better and secure, she would've liked to say confident too, but that was a lot and she knew she wasn’t even close to it.

She felt confident enough to stand up to Alicia though. She didn’t say much, just reminded her that she asked to be called Raquel outside of work and called her out when she felt that she was using a bad tone with her, which was almost all the time. “So sensitive” Alicia said, but Raquel saw that she had a little smile on her face.

Raquel didn’t understand why she kept seeing her, she thought she felt bad for her not having any friends, she knew how that was like, but it could be because when she stopped feeling like her pet, really thought they could get to be friends. She even introduced her to Monica once when the three of them went for drinks. Monica felt intimidated by her at first but at the end of the night they were friends.

Sergio was jealous, he didn’t say it out loud, but Raquel knew he was jealous. They spent time together, less than before obviously, since Raquel was so busy with Monica and Ricardo, Alicia, and on the phone with her family. They got lunch together some days and talked a little before sleep, but nothing else. Sergio didn’t complain, he said he was happy for her. But when she told him she went out with Alicia and Monica, and that they were going shopping that same afternoon, she saw him get jealous. She kept talking about their plans, said they were going to a party at one of Ricardo’s friends that weekend, and the jealousy was written all over his face and body.

“Do you want to come?”

“I don’t know, you’re going with all your friends, I don’t want to bother.”

She laughed at him and grabbed his hand over the table.

“You are my friend too.”

“Right” he said as if he just remembered it.

Raquel broke the eye contact after five seconds and let go of his hand. _Friends,_ she remaindered to herself.

And she invited him to dinner with her other friends.

*

_"We met at a colleague's party. I was with Monica and she didn't like him from the beginning. I didn't hear her then, I thought we should get to him and then decide if we didn't like him. Monica obviously respected my decision of being with him, but she never liked him. I should've listened to her. I always listened to her, always, I never stayed with someone she didn't like and the first guy I decide to be with anyway, turned out to be... that."_

  
  


Sergio was nervous. He thought he shouldn’t since he was only meeting his friend's friends, not like he was meeting her girlfriend’s friends. But he was nervous anyway.

He met Monica before but only once, the day Raquel broke up with him, and they didn’t talk much. Now they were getting dinner and would probably talk a lot.

Sergio didn’t find easy to meet new people, it was uncomfortable. He realized he wanted them to like him, he never cared about people liking him before.

He tried to calm down.

It wasn’t that important; it wasn’t like he was about to meet her family. He already met her father; he wasn’t that nervous then and he was her boyfriend. Now they were friends, just friends, and the people he was about to meet were also her friends. He was going to meet his friend's friends and it was going to be alright.

“Nervous?” she asked him before knocking the door.

“Not at all” he played cool, and she held back a smile.

“Want some time?”

“I’m fine, Raquel. Just do it-”

Raquel turned his head with a hand on his cheek and stood on tiptoes to kiss him. She felt all the tension leaving his body instantly and smiled as she pulled back before he could actually respond.

“It was just a kiss, don’t get too excited” she knocked the door. “You’re welcome” she said, waiting for him to thank her.

“Oh, yes, thank you.”

Monica kissed his cheek when he tried to shake her hand.

Ricardo hugged him, patting his back. He said friends called him Denver and Sergio thought of Stockholm for a second. He was definitely missing something there.

Sergio wanted him to stop touching him, but he left a hand on his shoulder as he talked to him. He looked at Raquel for help but when he saw her, she was smiling at him as Monica took her away by the hand.

“Oh, don’t worry, they’ll come in time for dinner” Ricardo said as he moved to continue cooking.

“Where did they go?”

“To the bedroom. You know, to talk, catch up.”

“They went out this afternoon.”

How much could they need to talk that they had to be there until dinner?

“They haven’t seen each other in four years” he reminded him. “And even if they would've, they always do that, they always have something to talk about, they are Lisbon and Stockholm.”

Sergio didn’t understand anything of what he just said.

“Stockholm Monica, not the cat” he explained.

They met Stockholm too? Why was he the last one to meet them?

“You know, Monica missed her like crazy. I’m surprised she didn’t handcuff her to her wrist when she saw her again.”

Did Raquel miss Monica that much? He knew she missed her, but she never told him how much.

“Wait, I had to ask” he looked at him very serious all of the sudden. “What did you do to her?”

“What?”

“That day, you know what I’m talking about” he accused him and Sergio had no idea.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” he shook his head.

“You know, that day, over a month ago” but Sergio still didn’t know. “She came here crying, saying that she couldn’t do it alone and that she had no one.”

And Sergio understood what he was talking about. She never told him much about those three days they didn’t see each other, she just told him she talked to them honestly.

“You didn’t do anything?”

“I thought she talked to you” Sergio said, uncomfortable.

“She talked to Monica mostly. But I thought it was because of you that day.”

Sergio sighed. Maybe it was because of him, he let her go that day at Hanoi.

  
  


“He isn’t your type” Monica said, and smiled when Raquel blushed.

Raquel wasn’t the kind that blushed easily before and Monica was having fun with that change, making her blush every time she could.

Raquel lied on her back not to look at her. Monica kept lying on her side, staring at her, resting her head on her hand.

“We are friends now.”

“Please!”

Raquel laughed. “I’m serious! We’re really trying. That’s what I need right now.”

Monica nodded. “But you like him.”

“Stop! You’re making me feel like fifteen-year-old having her first crush.”

“I’m not doing anything, I’m just talking” she laughed. It wasn’t normal in Raquel to get uncomfortable talking about men. “I’m just saying that he isn’t your type. He’s smart yes but the rest is completely different from what you like.”

“He really is different, and I’m glad for it” she looked at her. “He’s the shy kind, but nice and respectful. He’s smart but doesn’t believe himself smarter than me. I hate that I didn’t look for men like him before.”

“Well, you’re doing it now so it’s fine” and she tried to change the subject without really changing the subject. “Is he good?”

“Yes, he’s the best person I’ve ever met, and he treats me so well.”

“Raquel Murillo, don’t play dumb, you know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“What?” she looked at her and got it in seconds. “Monica!” she sat up and hit her with the pillow.

“Come on, don’t act so innocent, I know all of your secrets” she took the pillow from her. “We promised always sharing details, remember? Don’t break your promise.”

“That was when we were with Luca. The promise expired when we broke up with him.”

“Come on, Raquel!” she insisted like a child who couldn’t take no for an answer.

“He is good to me. That’s all you need to know” and she let herself back on the mattress, finishing the conversation.

Monica let out a few sighs after that, acting sad. Raquel just rolled her eyes and tried not to smile.

“You know what you just made me think?”

“What?” she looked at her.

“I wouldn’t have turned to look at him if I wouldn’t been so alone.”

“I don’t believe that. It’s so obvious that you love him, you would've fell for him no matter what.”

“I don’t know” she sighed. “But if I’m right, I’m glad I was alone when I met him” and she blushed again. “He’s the first man that, romantically, loves me as I am, and I love him the same.”

“That is so cute” Monica said, and Raquel laughed.

“Don’t tell him.”

“Why would I do that?”

“To embarrass me?”

Monica seemed to think about that now that Raquel mentioned it.

“Don’t you dare.”

“Sergio!” she got up and Raquel ran behind her.

“No, Monica! He will get uncomfortable if he finds out we were talking about him!” she didn’t control her voice and basically yelled that, so when she got to her in the kitchen, they were all looking at her.

“About whom?” Sergio asked.

“No one” both Raquel and Monica said.

“I told you they were talking about you” Ricardo said laughing.

Raquel looked at Sergio with an apologetic look, but he was smiling. She smiled and rolled her eyes. Of course he loved to know that, he was getting so insecure that probably felt flattered to know that she was talking about him with her friend.

  
  


Sergio felt she introduced them to him instead of introducing him to them. They mainly talked about Monica and Ricardo, or Monica and Raquel, and didn’t ask him many questions. It was fine, he was relaxed all night because of that, but that way they wouldn’t know if they liked him. Raquel said they did, and he didn’t know how she knew that.

“I know them. And Monica always told me when she didn’t like my boy…” she cleared her throat as they both tried not to smile. “My new friends. She didn’t say anything about you.”

“And that’s good?”

“That’s good. If she thought she might not like you, she would've made lots of questions and she didn’t.”

“Alright, good.”

“Yes, good” she looked at him. She wanted to ask him if he was still jealous of them and Alicia, but she didn’t.

Sergio couldn’t stop thinking of all the new things he learned about her during dinner. It sounded like a whole different person and he was anxious to know what of those things would she keep in the future. He and that person didn’t seem to be very compatible. But he didn’t have time to get scared because he quickly started thinking about other things, about her and Monica.

They were best friends. He loved that she had her friends back, but he wanted her to himself, as a friend or whatever. If they were going to be friends, he wanted to be her best friend. But Monica and her shared so much, things like their first kiss and even a boyfriend once. He was never going to be that for her, he was never going to be a friend like Monica was.

Sergio felt her hand on the back of his neck and shuddered. His fingers tightened around the steering wheel.

“What is it?” she asked, and he smiled at her.

“Nothing.”

He knew she didn’t believe him and was thankful she didn’t keep asking.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

She caressed his cheek and he closed his eyes for a second before remembering he was driving. He took her hand and kissed it.

“I know.”

He entwined their fingers and she pulled his hand closer to kiss his too.

“Sergio?”

“Yes?”

“Tonight made me very happy” she was staring at him while he didn’t take his eyes from the road. She saw him smile and sighed in relief; he was okay. “I love all of you and I want you to be friends. It’s important for me.”

 _Why didn’t you introduce us before then?_ he wanted to say, but they finally met, it didn’t matter anymore.

“I’m happy we did it then.”

When he parked in front of her building, she unfastened the seat belt and threw herself into his arms for a hug. He laughed as she kissed his cheek repeatedly.

She didn’t want to say goodbye so she waited for him to say it, but he wasn’t saying it either.

“Is everything okay?” she asked him.

He nodded.

“Are you sure-”

“Is she your best friend again?”

Sergio remembered once asking her if she missed her friends. ‘Not really. I have you now’ she said then.

Raquel gave him a soft look. “Is that what is making you weird?”

“I’m not weird. I’m just asking.”

His jealousy wasn’t fun for her anymore, she didn’t want him to feel that way anymore.

“I don’t know” she answered honestly. “She was my best friend my whole life, you know.”

He nodded slowly and smiled at her. “I’m glad.”

“No, that wasn’t a yes, I didn’t say that” she said quickly. “I’m not sure. It’s just that she has a little competition now.”

“Alicia?” he frowned.

“No” and she laughed. “You!”

“Oh, right” he laughed too.

“You have been my best friend for quite a while now, you earned that place and not even Monica could take you out so easily.”

Sergio nodded and cleared his throat, looking away. It was a little dark but Raquel saw his cheeks red. She wanted to kiss him again so badly.

“Sorry for being weird.”

“You weren’t weird. You were just asking.”

They laughed for a moment and she finally said goodbye, in her own way.

“See you, Sergio.”

She waved at him from the entrance and got in for him to finally go.

*

 _"It started in the bed during sex. We always ended up having sex after a fight, sometimes didn't finish fighting, we just_ _took_ _it to bed. That day was like that, we were angry and wanted to make_ _each_ _other mad, wanted to hurt each other. He used to_ _call me_ _by different names,_ _names_ _like Monica or Laura. That day I slapped him_ _and he slapped me back. I never said anything and he didn't do it again soon after that, but I thought it was fair, I mean I did it first. Then he did it again and I told him I didn't want him to do that. Later he did it out of bed, he said sorry, and_ _I_ _forgave him because he really_ _seemed_ _sorry, and he promised he would never do it again. He did again of course, and I forgave him again because he cried that time. Then I finally became aware of the ways he talked to me, or how he pushed me sometimes, how he kept pulling from my hair in bed after I said it hurt. He always did that kind of small things, they_ _weren'_ _t small, but I mean that I never paid much attention to them, so they went unseen to me."_

 _"He kept slapping me in bed. I remember one time I had to use a lot of makeup to cover it up and my cheeks hurt all morning. That day wasn't actually really bad. My mom_ _was having_ _a good day and I spent, I have no idea how much time, just sitting_ _on_ _her lap with her kissing my cheek over and over. I wouldn't have minded to continue_ _having morning sex like that one if_ _I_ _got to see my mom like that after. Is it bad that I think that?"_

_Sometimes I think I wouldn't have stayed so long if he did it very often, like every day. But he didn't do that, he knew when to do it. Most of the times when he got mad at me, he didn't hit me, he just punished me in other ways. Like one time, I thought his punishment could be not doing anything just to keep me on the alert waiting for it, I didn't sleep for two days and then he said we were going on a trip. He locked me in for a week in a hotel room, without any kind of entertainment nor any way of communication, without my phone or any phone, just alone with my thoughts, ‘so you can think of what you've done’ he told me. I asked him please to open the door and I didn't get to freak out, he talked to me from the other side with such a soft voice, told me that he did that because he loved me and he didn't want to hurt me physically, told me that it was better that way. I thought he was right, and I thought to myself ‘god, I'm so lucky’. He got me to be thankful for it, to think that it really was an act of love, made me think that that was better, that he … loved me, because he wasn’t hitting me after I did something wrong.”_

_"Something that really scares me is how much we used to say 'I love you' during those things. He always said it after apologizing, it was like I didn't really believe his apologies, but I believed his ‘I love you’s’. That day when he locked me_ _in_ _, I thanked him and_ _told him_ _I loved him."_

 _"He had this look that made me just... I feared that look so much. He could make me cry and scream with one look. One day he looked at me that way and I remember getting on my knees in seconds, crying, begging and saying sorry, not really knowing why I_ _was_ _apologizing for, but apologizing, begging for forgiveness. He started laughing at me and eventually I laughed with him; I used to love his laugh, I think behind the fear I laughed honestly. He keeled in front of me and kissed my forehead, said he was testing me and that I did excellent. And I was happy for it. We sat on the floor and laughed for whole fifteen minutes and said 'I love you' a lot of times too."_

_"I hate to say this but lately I'm comparing Sergio a lot to him. They are not alike in any way, of course, and I'm so glad for it. But I can't help but compare them. It makes me love Sergio even more honestly. But it also scares me, because I don't know if I love him as much as I loved Alberto. I know we love everyone different; I love Sergio in a way I never loved anyone before, in a way that makes me happy, in a way that anyone never made me. But I'm talking about quantity, strength. I love Monica and Laura in different ways but at the same level. I love Sergio better than Alberto, but do I love Sergio as much as I loved him?"_

_"What makes me question this is that I would've never let any of my previous boyfriends to hurt me, not even emotionally. Then I let Alberto hurt me in every possible way, for years. I loved him, or so I thought, I don't know if it was love. I hope it wasn't love so I can stop thinking I loved him more that I love Sergio. But I don't know. I think I let him do it because I loved him and I would've let him to anything with me. I kept forgiving him because I loved him and I thought I could change him. I had put up with it, him, for years, because I loved him. I think I had to love a lot to be able to do that, like I said, I wouldn't have done it for anyone else."_

  
  


Raquel didn’t even get to say hi when she got home that day, she just ran to the bathroom and spent ten minutes throwing up. Then she was too tired to get up, so they stayed there.

“Would you ever hit me?”

“No, I wouldn't hit anyone.”

“Cause if you want to, I would let you.”

“What are you saying?”

“You know before everything happened, I always thought ‘how could a woman think that a man who abuses her can love her?’ because it was obvious to me that love wasn't supposes to hurt, that someone who loves you doesn't hit you. And then he hit me, but I loved him, so I believed him when he promised me he won't do it again. And he did again, he apologized more than the first time, he cried, said he loved me and didn't wanted to hurt me, but he kept doing it. I loved him and I'm still not sure if he loved me too. Since then, I don't think that someone who loves doesn't hurt you, because I was so sure that he loved me. And now I'm stuck whit this idea, that maybe he did love me, but he did it wrong. Who told us that an abusive person doesn't feel love? He loved me in a bad way, but he did, I'm not saying I should have stayed with him and I'm not saying that anyone should stay, I'm not saying that is okay. But knowing this would have help me so much. Because all that time I was thinking of whether he love me or not instead of thinking that he might love me but not well, all that time I was thinking that that was the only way of loving, the only kind of love, and I was thinking that no one could love me better, I was thinking that being loved like that was better than not being loved at all. I just hate the idea of love being like that, why does it have to exist?”

“It doesn't.”

“It does.”

“It doesn't” he hated that she was thinking that. “He didn't love you, Raquel. He might think he did, he was probably convinced of that, just the way you are right now. But no, that isn't love, maybe obsession or something, I'm not sure what but it wasn't love, it isn't love.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I love you and I would cut both of my hands before touching you that way.”

“Then you love me well. Maybe he wanted to love me well and he couldn't.”

“He didn't. If he would've, then he wouldn’t even have thought of hurting you.”

“I slapped him and I never wanted to hurt him.”

“That was wrong too.”

“You really think that?”

“We still think that a woman slapping a man isn't that bad, but we should stop. Any kind of violence is wrong, period.”

“What would you do if I slap you?”

He didn't say anything for a few seconds. “Nothing.”

“Nothing? You wouldn't slap me back?”

“No, never!” he said horrified.

“Why? Because you're stronger than me? Say yes and I will prove you wrong.“

“I wouldn't do it because I don't hit people, because I know it's wrong. If you were a man and you slap me, I wouldn't slap you back. If you were a man and you start physical fighting me, I would try to stop you, not to fight back because if I did then we wouldn't stop until someone is really hurt. I honestly would prefer being the one that end up hurt because I couldn't live with myself knowing that I hurt someone that way.”

“So, you wouldn't slap me back. Would you stay with me?

Again, he stayed quiet for a bit. “I don't know, I... Yes, I don't know. It probably wouldn't even hurt I'm sure we could talk about it.”

“If Alberto would've slapped me just once and it didn't even hurt, do you think I should have stayed with him?”

“It's different.”

“Why is it?”

“I can live with you slapping me once in a while.”

“I lived with Alberto hitting me once in a while for two years.”

“It's different!”

“Why is it?!”

“You didn't even slap me, why are we talking about this?” he didn't know if they were fighting but he felt like he was losing.

“Do you want me to do it so you can think better and we can talk?”

He crawled across the floor to get closer to her, his face right in front of her.

“Do it. Do you want to do it? Do it.”

She shook her head, the tears finally leaving her eyes, running through her cheeks. “Are you testing me?”

“You could say that. I already knew you wouldn't do it.”

“How do you know that?”

“I just know. Yes, maybe you do so someday, none of us can be one hundred percent sure, we don’t know what could happen. But I am one hundred percent sure that you don't want to, and you will never want to. I am one hundred percent sure I don't want to hit you and I will never want to, I would never”

“You said you'd stay with me.”

“I meant it.”

“No, please, promise me that you won't stay” she shook her head.

“You said that you would let me hit you if a want to do so.”

She looked at the floor. “I just love you so much I would let you do anything to me.”

“That's not okay and you know that.”

“And is it okay you saying that you would stay with me if I slap you?”

“It's different.”

“Stop that, it isn't.”

“I love you, I don't want to lose you ever again.”

He started crying and she started crying.

That night they didn’t let go of each other at any moment, they held tight even after falling asleep.

*

_"I never understood why I didn't kill myself. I've felt like I wanted to die a lot of times, but I never even thought of actually doing it. I always think of hurting myself but not about actually killing myself. It's like death is too good for me."_

  
  


"Have you ever thought of killing yourself?"

She didn't really want to know but she really wanted to talk about it.

He stared at her for a few seconds.

"I'm okay, you can talk about it" she nodded with a smile for him to know that she meant it.

"Well, I felt a lot of pain being only a child. I was eight and I was making plans to get pills or something, I was in a hospital, how hard could it be? The only reason I didn't do it was because I could barely get up, I definitely wasn't able to walk out of my own room."

"See, that's a good reason to want to kill yourself" and she realized they were talking about an eight-year-old boy. "I mean-"

He just laughed at her.

"Then my father died, and I was sad. But I couldn't do that to my brother" he continued. "Then I became aware of the burden I was to him and thought it could be the best thing to do. I don't know why I didn't do it."

"It might sound stupid or crazy, but today I couldn't stop thinking about why I never tried to do it. It's really surprising for me, I thought of it a lot of times and never really tried. I thought of the many ways I would've done it, the less painful ones and the most painful ones" she didn't want him to think that she was crazy or not okay, but she couldn't stop talking anymore. "And I wanted to die so many times. I wanted to die the first time my mother asked me who I was. I wanted to die when she died. I wanted to die every time he hit me. Once I wished he killed me, I didn’t want him to stop until I was dead, I wanted him to shoot me or to get a knife from the kitchen and just... I couldn't do it myself, so I wanted him to do it. I hated to be fine with him deciding when I had to die but I just wanted it to stop, I wanted to stop living, I wanted to stop my own existence, I wanted to erase myself. I wanted to die in these four years. I thought no one would care. I just don't understand why didn't do it" she sighed, feeling the discomfort leaving her body as she finished talking.

"Raquel, are you-" and he stopped there, he didn't want to say it.

"No, I'm fine now, I don't want to die. Not today at least" she chuckled. "But seriously, I'm fine. I'm glad to be alive. I met you, I have my friends and my family back. If I had known that four years ago, I would've waited patiently and happily instead of feeling so bad" she smiled at him and grabbed his hand. "I want to be here, Sergio. There's no other place I rather be. I want to be alive."

"I'm glad" he sighed in relief. "Thank you."

She didn't understand.

"For staying" he said, and she thought it was perfect, he couldn't have said anything better. "I'm glad you're here."

"I'm glad you're here too."

*

“ _One night, during the biggest storm I’ve ever seen, he hid my phone when I wanted to call my family to make sure they were okay and safe. The power went out and I was so scared, I just wanted to talk to someone. When I tried to talk to him, he pretended not to know me, and it was so convincing I doubted of myself. It scared me even more, I had to lock myself in our room, covered myself with three blankets as if that could protect me. The next morning, he said sorry, said he was playing a new game called Alzheimer’s. My mother was just diagnosed, he said he was just helping me to get used to not be recognized.”_

_“He was so good at mental games, hitting too, but the mental games were his specialty. He was so fucking smart. I used to think he planned everything from the beginning. I don't think it was part of a master plan or anything, but... I don't know, it feels like it. He started with little things, I didn’t notice them, and when I did it was late because they weren’t so little anymore. He made sure I was alone so he could say that he was the only thing I had left. I think it wouldn't have worked so well if my mom hadn’t forgotten me, because I would’ve had her."_

  
  


Raquel felt her blood boiling, her whole body was warm. She tried to control her breathing, tried to remain calm. She was doing great, she did great all the way home.

“ _I thought it was my fault.”_

“ _I thought it was because I wasn’t loving him well, because I wasn’t making him happy.”_

“ _I thought I had to be better. I thought it was my fault.”_

She wanted to be left alone, she needed to be alone. But when she got home, Sergio was there.

“Hey” he smiled to her and she froze when he kissed her on the cheek, momentarily placing his hand on her waist. “I was about to call you. What do you want for dinner? Today I will cook whatever you want so you just have to ask” he walked back to the kitchen. “How was your day?”

He came back when he noticed she didn’t follow him.

“Is everything okay?”

“I need you to go” she said trying to sound normal, but her voice sounded shakily, and her hands began to shake too.

“What's wrong?” he got closer and she walked away. “Raquel.”

“I need to be alone right now, please.”

“But why? What happened? Are you alright?”

“Sergio, please. Just go away. Please.”

“I’m not going to leave you alone like this.”

She clenched her fists and teeth. Tried to breathe. “I want to be alone.”

“Just tell me happened.”

“I said go!”

“Raquel…”

“Go, Sergio. I want to be alone” her voice raised little by little with every word.

“No, it’s okay. Let’s just try to calm down-”

“I SAID GO” she threw the keys she still had in her hands at him. “LEAVE, NOW!”

He moved and her keys didn’t touch him, but as he tried to speak again, she kept throwing things at him, yelling at him to go.

Sergio got out from the apartment but stayed outside just in case. He was scared when he heard things breaking as she didn’t stop screaming.

He called Monica because he didn’t know what else to do, she didn’t want him.

Monica got in and managed to calm her down within minutes.

He came in when Monica told him he could do so. He hated himself for feeling jealous when he saw them hugging on the couch, Stockholm was with them too. He wanted to be the one calming her down and holding her as she cried. Instead, he began cleaning the mess.

“You don’t have to do that” Raquel said quietly.

“I want to.”

They said goodbye with no kiss, and he kept cleaning as she and Monica went to bed.

  
  


The next morning Raquel went to have breakfast with him and apologized properly.

"Would've you come back to me if I didn't come to you?"

"It would've taken me less than a day" he kissed her hand. "I was going to give you a day. And I would've come to you and stay even if threw everything in sight at me."

She laughed. "I'm sorry for that."

He shrugged, "I dodged it well" said proudly.

"You shouldn't have to be dodging things. I shouldn't be throwing thing at you."

"You don't. But I can stand aside if you ever need to. It could be fun actually."

They laughed.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

*

It surprised Sergio how he was really happy being just her friend. They didn't kiss, they didn't make love, and he was happy because he didn't really feel like he needed it. Except for the times in which she teased him, in those times he had to run home and jerk off so hard he thought he could rip his dick off. But if she didn't tease him, he was fine. It was like before, when they were just friends and he didn’t notice he wanted her until they kissed for the first time. It was never really about sex or physical contact, he would lie if he said that he didn't enjoy it so much, but it wasn't about that, it was the connection that gave them. And they were still having that without touching sexually; with every smile or kiss on the cheek, with every hug or loving words, they were even spooning more than they did when they were together! She was only his friend and he loved her more than ever. He thought he could've past the crush phase, but that wasn't possible, he would always have a crush on her, she was so freaking beautiful it was impossible not to. But he was fine being her friend, the way she was such a good friend was actually what had him so in love.

Everything was better. Everything was going okay, everything was okay. Sergio wasn't ready when Raquel appeared at his door crying. He felt scared and hurt the second he saw her.

"What's wrong?" he asked in fear.

"I made a mistake" she said quietly.

He grabbed her hand and took her to the couch.

"It's okay. Whatever it is, you can tell me" he tried to sound calm for her, as he wiped away her tears.

She took his hands away and sat further back on the couch, far from him.

"I'm sorry" she pressed her hands against her face and kept crying.

"Raquel, it's okay" he kept saying.

He didn't know what she was going to say and she was sure he wasn't going to think it was okay when she told him.

"It's not. I slept with someone else."

She pressed her fingers harder against her eyes when seconds passed and he didn't say anything.

"Hey, it's okay" he said and forced a laugh.

She shook her head with her hands still covering her face. He was pretending to be okay with it for her not to feel guilty about it. She didn't deserve him.

"Raquel, we're not together. You don't owe me anything, not any loyalty or faithfulness, not any explanation, anything."

She finally looked at him and wiped her tears. He was making her feel worse.

"You know that isn't really true. We are just waiting for our moment, that doesn't mean we can do these things meanwhile."

She couldn't look him in the eyes, she felt gross.

"Well, let's agree that we can."

But she didn't want that.

"Seriously, Raquel. It's okay."

She rubbed her eyes and flopped with her back on the couch as she sighed.

"I don't know what happened" she saw he was smiling at her and it broke her heart.

Raquel didn't know she could ever want somebody else, she just did. It had nothing to do with Sergio and everything to do with her and her only. She was horny and would've fucked anyone in that moment. She thought of calling Sergio, but she didn't want to ruin it, she wasn't ready yet and didn't want to confuse him. But she felt terrible afterwards. It was good, not as good as it was with Sergio, it was different with love, but it was good. She just felt bad and was afraid he could hate her.

"Did you know him before...?" he asked, finally looking normal, and she was glad he wasn't acting so cool with it anymore.

"Her" she corrected him. "No. She made me spill my coffee so she bought me a new one. We had coffee together and the next thing I knew I was at her place and we were kissing and..." she couldn't keep looking at him while she talked. "You know, her roommate was there and almost joined" she started laughing. "She's in college, Sergio. What the fuck was I thinking? I'm acting like a twenty-year-old. It's embarrassing, I'm embarrassing" she felt her face burning and covered it with a pillow.

"You're not" he squeezed her knee. "It's not a bad thing, Raquel, you have nothing to be embarrassed about."

She didn't respond. She knew he wanted to say something.

"You know, I'm embarrassed... Knowing that was a girl makes me feel better" he laughed nervous. "I'm sorry, I know it shouldn't."

"No, I understand" she lowered the pillow to her chest and hugged it tightly as she sighed again. "If you told me you slept with another woman, I would feel so jealous. But if you told me you slept with a man, I would think it's kind of hot."

They looked at each other.

"I think we shouldn't think like that, it feels wrong" she said.

"No one else is here to hear it. I won't judge you if you don't judge me."

"I don't judge you. I'm glad you feel better knowing it was a girl" she smiled at him and he smiled back.

"It actually wasn't that spontaneous" she confessed. "I was thinking of sleeping with someone else."

"Oh" he nodded.

"It has nothing to do with you. Sex is better with you than it was with that girl and that it would be with anyone else, I would always prefer you" she didn't know if she was saying what she wanted to say right. "I just wanted to know if I was able to be with other people. We're not together but I still felt tied to you" she explained how she felt it, not wanting to hurt him but not refraining herself from putting it out. "And I wanted to know if I could like it, enjoy it."

He wasn't looking at her when he asked: "Did you?"

She knew the answer, but she didn't know if she wanted to say it. She wanted to take care of his feelings, but she also wanted to be honest. They had to be honest with each other, they could always be honest with each other. He was always honest with her, she felt she could be too.

"I did."

He nodded slowly, processing the information.

It certainly hurt him, he couldn't deny it. But he understood... kind of, it was hard. He didn't understand how could she want someone else, how could she like being with someone else. He was jealous because she was with someone else, but he was also jealous because she was able to enjoy being with other people. Well, he didn't actually try again, maybe he could... No, he didn't have the need, he wasn't going to force himself just because she was doing it.

"I love you" she got closer and grabbed his hand. "I like it better with you. But I can't lie, it was nice too."

"It's okay. I'm glad for you" he turned his hand to grab hers and entwine their fingers.

"No, I need you to understand."

"I understand."

"No, I need you to understand how I felt, how I feel" she didn't know what he was thinking or feeling and it was driving her crazy. "This was a mistake because I am with you, I am in love with you, you are my love, me being with anyone else is wrong. I-"

"Well you did it" he cut her off. "You can't take it back. It's stupid to feel bad about something you can't change."

Raquel realized she needed him to say something, anything, she needed him to react for her to feel better. She thought she needed him to get mad, but if that happened, she would've need him to say exactly what he was saying. Whatever he said, it wasn't going to make her feel better.

"Let's just..." he sighed. "You can do whatever you want, Raquel. Like I said, we are friends now, you don't owe me anything."

She shook her head. No, that wasn't right.

"Stop punishing yourself" he patted her leg and got up. "And you don't have to tell me next time. I would actually appreciate if you don't" he walked to the kitchen to continue cooking. "Will you stay for dinner?"

She would've preferred him to get mad, to yell at her or something like that.

  
  


Things felt weird for her the following days, but he seemed normal. Eventually she forgot about it. Until she realized he really meant the ‘we don't owe each other anything’. Because he didn't say 'we', but he meant 'we'.

He rejected an invitation for dinner and she started with the questions, mere curiosity, not an interrogation or anything. She asked about his plans for the night and asked mockingly if he had a date.

"Oh" she stopped joking when he didn't answer.

"It's not really a date, it's sort of a favor for Andres, but I don't know."

"No, it's alright" she said quickly. "Have fun."

"You too. You're inviting Monica I suppose."

"Of course. You don't worry about ditching your friend, she won't eat alone anyway."

He laughed. "Good."

"Well, I... I have to call Monica before she makes plans, otherwise I will eat alone."

"Right. Good luck."

"You too" and she shook her head as she closed her eyes tightly. "Bye Sergio."

"Bye Raquel."

She didn't eat. She called Monica and they just drank as they talked about him.

"Do you think this is his revenge?" she asked emptying the bottle in her glass.

"No. He's definitely not one of those."

"I wish he was. It would make me feel better."

"Raquel, he's yours, you have nothing to worry about."

She drank fast but didn't finish the glass yet, she filled it to the top for a reason.

"He called me, a few days after that night, said he was afraid of me falling for someone else."

Monica looked at her, already knowing what she was going to say.

"What if he's the one who falls for someone else?"

"He won't be" Monica said very sure and got up to get the other bottle, the one she brought. "You said you were his first girlfriend. He didn't get serious with anyone before you, you are the one for him."

"I am his first. The first is only the one that opens the door. With the door open he could get curious and want to get out and experiment. We both know how that ends."

"Raquel, stop. He loves you. He may experiment a bit, but he will come back to you. Trust me, I'm right about this."

"You're right about everything always" Raquel said annoyed. "When did you become the one who's always right? You were the dumb one."

"Thank you!" she said offended.

"I just said you are the wise one now, why are you getting mad?"

When they went to bed, Monica fell asleep right away, snoring and everything, but Raquel couldn't. She wished it were the snores, but it wasn't.

Raquel wanted Sergio to be happy, and as his friend she wanted him to have all the women he could want and all the attention he deserved from them. But as his girlfriend or ex-girlfriend, she didn't want him to experiment during their break. She wanted to tell him, but it wouldn't be fair since she slept with someone else already and went on a few dates after that. Even if she stopped, she owed him a few.

Since Monica was sleeping next to her, she knew it was him when her phone sounded with a message and she took it faster than she ever did.

**Sergio: are you awake?**

**Raquel: I am.**

**Sergio: can I come over?**

**Raquel: of course.**

And she heard a light knock on the door less than ten seconds later.

She sighed and got up quickly.

"Hey" she said when she saw him leaning against the wall in front of her door, his hands on his pockets.

"Should I have waited a few minutes before knocking? It was a little weird that I was already here, wasn't it?"

She smiled. "It wasn't. Come in" she moved and opened the door for him.

"Sorry for bothering you so late, didn't look at the time before coming" said as he came in.

"It's okay, you don’t bother me" she closed the door and followed him in. "Want some coffee or some tea? Maybe some wine?"

"No, I had enough. I'm okay" he shook his head. "Actually, I think some water would be good."

She nodded and went to get him a glass.

When she came back, she found him on the couch, with his face buried on his hands.

She approached and stood in front of him. "Here, drink the water."

He looked up at her but didn't grab the glass, instead, he caressed her sides and wrapped his arms around her, kissed her softly and shortly on the belly and rested his head there.

"What is it?" she asked running her fingers through his hair.

"I can't be with anyone else that isn't you. I will never be able to do it."

She felt awful for wishing exactly that before. She didn't want it anymore, not if he felt bad about it.

"I'm sorry" she said sincerely, caressing the back of his neck.

He kissed her belly over her shirt again and lifted it to kiss her skin and breathe her in.

"I'm not" and he looked up at her again. "I'm good with that. But I'm not good about you not being in the same place" he let go of her and took the glass, drinking all the water in it.

She got on her knees in front of him, her hands on his knees, softly stroking his legs to keep him calm.

"I'm not going to be with anyone else, not that way."

"I don't want you to be with anyone else in any way" he felt embarrassed and looked down, but she was there and he could still see her.

She caressed his cheek and smiled at him. She knew she might be imagining it, but for a second she thought she could feel exactly what he felt, not only because she shared the feeling, not because she felt the same way about him, but because she felt what he felt, because she still got him. And she wanted to make him feel better.

"I want you for me still. Not mine mine, but mine, with me and no one else. I know I have no right, not right now at least. I'm just saying how I feel, you don't have to take it-"

"I didn't do it again. I went on a few dates yes, but I didn't let it go there, I didn't want to. And I don't want to do it again. I got myself a vibrator and I'm very much satisfied if you want to know" she smiled mockingly. "I even considered not coming back to you…"

He seemed scared.

"Sergio, I would never choose a vibrator over you" she laughed and kissed him softly. "Someone got insecure."

"Yeah, well, you made me."

"I'm sorry" she was so sorry.

"No, it's not your fault. I have a lot to work on too apparently."

She nodded.

"I'm here for you. I am still with you as you are with me, okay? And you shouldn't be insecure about that anymore, we're not together but we belong together at the end of the day so…"

He nodded. "Thank you."

She smiled and kissed his forehead as she got up. "Let's go to bed, is late."

She took him to the bedroom by the hand and he stopped when he saw Monica sleeping in her bed.

"Oh, I think you forgot about something" he whispered looking at her as Raquel went to get him some clothes.

"She was drunk before, so she's completely out now, you can talk as loud as you want, she won't wake up."

"I'll sleep on the couch I guess."

"No, it's fine, we do it all the time. She gets in the middle when we sleep with Ricardo, but I guess I'll be in the middle this time" she stood in front of him with the clothes, waiting for him to undress. "Unless you want to…"

"I'm fine" he said as he took off his clothes and change.

In bed, he pushed Monica away from them and pulled Raquel closer to him.

"Where is Stockholm?"

"Oh, she's happy to leave the bed when it's Monica."

"And you thought I was her favorite."

"She actually leaves the bed because she doesn't like her as she likes you."

"Really?" he smiled. "That's my girl."

Raquel chuckled. "Alright, sleep now."

He kissed the back of her neck. "Good night."

"Good night" she stroked his head for a few seconds and then kept stroking his arms around her.

He fell asleep but she stayed awake for a few more minutes. She felt calm again, but she couldn't sleep still.

In the morning, Sergio became aware of how weird it was for him to have Monica sleeping with them and felt uncomfortable since he woke up, all the time as they had breakfast until he had to leave.

Then, Raquel walked him to the door and they finally had a moment alone.

"You know I am here for you, right? I'll always be" she said.

He nodded. He knew. "And I for you, always."

He kissed her cheek and said "see you", but she didn't see him again.


End file.
